Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 28

The Story Of Your Life Is A Narrative That Should Be Written Properly And Edited Often

Vow To Live Passionately

“Often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” — Helen Keller

I have a question for you.

This is important because I believe how you answer this question could change the balance of your life: When the time comes to leave this place, will you be able to look back on your past with fondness, gratitude, and satisfaction instead of regret and guilt? I invite you to take a deep breath and simply sit with this question for a moment…marinade in the essence of its profound implications; allow yourself to truly feel the reality of your last day on the planet for there lies the most precious gift.

I know from experience because this is a practice I indulge from time to time. I recall over two decades ago losing my father to complications resulting from type II diabetes. I remember the day of his burial and his coffin being lowered into the ground as though it was only yesterday.

There was a final ending to his time here that not only touched my family, but echoed throughout my life in the months and years ahead. It was though the universe grabbed me by the shoulders and said: “Wake up, son, your time is limited. Don’t waste another moment because you too shall return to dust one day.”

Since then, I made a vow to live passionately, to be of service to others, to enrich my life and explore my potential so as to guide others to awaken theirs. The journey has been difficult, stressful and yet daring; I’ve discovered more about myself in the subsequent years than I did leading up to my father’s passing. It was as though I was jolted with a reminder that this beautiful journey called life must inevitably end, sometimes when we least expect it.

Now, my second question for you: Can you relate?

Don’t Consider Your Challenges As Permanent

“Your life is your story. Write well. Edit often.” — Susan Statham

There’s a delightful parable told by the late Jesuit priest and psychotherapist Anthony de Mello that captures the significance of embracing life completely:

Before the visitor embarked upon discipleship, he wanted assurance from the Master:

“Can you teach me the goal of human life?”

“I cannot.”

“Or at least its meaning?”

“I cannot.”

“Can you indicate to me the nature of death and of life beyond the grave?”

“I cannot.”

The visitor walked away in scorn.

The disciples were dismayed that their Master had been shown up in a poor light.

Said the Master soothingly: “Of what use is it to comprehend life’s nature and life’s meaning if you have never tasted it? I’d rather you ate your pudding than speculated on it.”

Anthony de Mello’s fable reminds us, it is of little use to intellectualize life at the level of your thoughts. The question is: “Are you eating your dessert”—are you partaking in the sweetness of your life?” Life is to be lived fully, meaning you will experience pain and suffering, however as the adage goes: “This too shall pass.”

In such moments, the experience may be too much to bear. But as the former English Prime Minister Winston Churchill once declared: “If you are going through hell, keep going.” He knew too well that when you’re in the grips of despair, to retreat is to deny yourself the capacity to overcome your pain and suffering. Sorrow and misery are not the narrative of your life story, but one chapter of it. There will be many chapters to come and you mustn’t consider your challenges as permanent.

Whilst you may have regrets, remember they are paragraphs contained within the story still being written. I urge you to be open to what tomorrow will bring, knowing the sum of your life is yet to unfold. What you are experiencing is not the end of the world because there is so much more to your life’s narrative to unfold in the years ahead.

What Is Your Soul’s Narrative?

“About the only value the story of my life may have is to show that one can, even without any particular gifts, overcome obstacles that seem insurmountable if one is willing to face the fact that they must be overcome.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

The outcome of your choices are often right under your nose. Many people miss the signs because they are too busy moving from one thing to another to notice them. They are seldom present and engaged with the now to notice what is taking place beneath the surface of their lives. This is because they are concerned how their lives look to others, that they don’t notice their interior life is slowly crumbling.

In many ways, they have forgotten how to come home to themselves. There will come a point when those you love will stand at the edge of your interment, looking down upon you as you are lowered into the ground. They will contemplate the same thoughts as I did that day at my father’s burial.

“Is this it?”

“Surely there’s more to life than this?”

For the most precious gift that you can give to yourself is to treat each day as though it were you last. Hold nothing back. Live fully and completely, knowing when the time comes, you will have been completely used up like a sponge wringed of water. May your life’s narrative be a compelling story lived truthfully.

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8 Secrets Healthy People Live By That Will Work For You Too

Today’s contributor post is brought to by Sarah Cummings from The Sleep Advisor

I’m sure you’ve seen those interviews with 100-year-olds pop up every now and again.

Asked what the secret of their longevity is, the wrinkly legends will inevitably swear by some weird and wonderful thing they’ve done every day of their life. Be it olive oil massages, smoking cigars or eating a tablespoon of raw honey.

Pretty much the only thing we learn from revelations is something we already knew – that everybody is different. That there’s no foolproof recipe to becoming a centenarian. What works for one individual might not work for another.

That said there are some constants that are guaranteed to improve your health and give you better odds at having a happy and long life. Below are 8 lifehacks widely agreed to only be good for you.

1. Laugh More

Laughter really is one of the best medicines. When we share a chuckle with friends a flurry of chemical responses are unleashed from our brain that are as potent as any known antidepressant. Yay!

Laughing more has been shown to reduce stress and give the body’s immune system a boost. A good giggle has even been shown to have an anti-inflammatory effect on the blood vessels around the heart.

2. Sleep More

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead!” We’ve all heard this refrain as someone heads out into the night at some ungodly hour. Unfortunately for them, the statistics tell us that the more sleep they skip out on now the quicker their demise will come – and the more unhappy and unhealthy their life will be.

Exercise and good diet might be the two pillars of good health but sleep is foundation on which they are built. Sleep deprivation has been linked to endless lists of increased health risks. Anything from raised levels of stress, anxiety and depression to increased odds of cardiovascular disease, strokes, diabetes and obesity.

3. Get Outside More

Now we longer have to be afraid of sabre tooth tigers and charging wooly mammoths, it seems spending more time in the outdoors is good for our health. Studies have shown that escaping the office and getting off the couch for a regular walk in the woods can improve mental health, lower your blood pressure and even reduce the risk of cancer.

Not only that, spending more time outside in daylight does amazing things for regulating our circadian rhythms and therefore helping us sleep. Win-win!

4. Be More Grateful

Taking a just a few minutes at the end of each day to note down the two or three things you’re grateful for has been found to have a profound impact on an individual’s positivity and mental health. The process is known as keeping a gratitude journal works by retraining the mind to look at the glass as a little bit more full and not quite so empty.

5. Eat Like The Japanese

Now, I don’t mean you have to eat everything with chopsticks. What am I getting at is a concept many Japanese live by called ‘Hara Hachi Bu’, which roughly means eat until you a 80% full.

Sounds simple right. Eat until you are satisfied but not full to bursting. It’s basically a form of portion control. Considering that the Japanese have the greatest proportion of centenarians per capita in the world (not to be confused with Roman Centurions), they must be doing something right.

6. Pay Attention To Your Gut

While we may not like talking about our bowel movements in public, we should definitely pay attention to them in private. They have a lot to say about your overall health.

Having unhealthy gut flora can be the root cause of many health issues, including mental health. Yep, that’s right, what’s happening in your digestive system can have a very real impact on your emotional stability. Maybe it’s time to start driving past that fast food restaurant instead of driving through!

Eat a healthy, balanced diet. Experiment, discover which foods work for you and which don’t.

7. Get Sweaty Every Day

Exercise at least once a day. It doesn’t really matter what you do as long as you do it for long enough to get out of breath and a little bit sweaty. Exercise helps you maintain a healthy weight, improves muscle strength, keeps your cardiovascular system strong and enhances your immune system. And they are just a few notably mentions from an almost endless list of other benefits.

When you exercise your body releases two very useful chemicals dopamine and serotonin. Known respectively as ‘your body’s natural prozac’ and the ‘happy hormone’. These two powerful neurotransmitters improve your mood and protect you against mental health disorders. Thanks exercise!

8. Never Retire

Whilst you may already be longing for the day when you can hang up your work clothes once and for all and stay in bed until noon, studies have shown that retiring from work cold turkey can actually mean bad things for your health.

Working longer has been shown to be associated with longer life, a decrease in the probability of depression and an overall decrease in health issues. That’s not to say you should carry on working quite as hard but just maybe don’t be so quick to pounce on that offer of early retirement.

Well, there you have it – 8 surprisingly simple life hacks you can make that will have a profound impact on your physical and mental health. Here’s wishing you a long, healthy and above all, happy life!

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You Are Not Defined By Your Past. They Are Lessons Learned, Not Life Sentences

Are You Aware Of Your Conscious Motives?

“By seeking and blundering we learn.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Do you ruminate about the past with regret?

Do you think about wanting to change the past?

Welcome to life where many people have similar regrets whether they be tied to intimate relationships, family, or career.

It’s easy to look back on the past with new information knowing you could have lived it differently, but it’s simply impossible.

Author Mary O’Malley explains in What’s in the Way Is the Way: A Practical Guide for Waking Up to Life how we can wake up to the troubles of the past by noticing what is taking place within us: “In the past when you were triggered by experiences in your life, you fell into victim mode. The more often you can make a you-turn and become interested in what arises inside you, the less reactive you are and the more quickly your reaction passes, opening you again to the spaciousness of your heart.”

You are always governed by your level of awareness at any point throughout your life. That is, how open-minded and aware of your conscious motives you are.

Those with regrets may act unconsciously. Similarly, there are those who are unaware that their unconscious beliefs create their reality. It’s only when events don’t turn out as planned, they wish they could have made better decisions.

I’ve always enjoyed writing and speaking about the past with openness. In fact, some years ago I wrote a book titled: Reconstructing The Past To Create A Remarkable Future in which I explore how to heal the past to create a better future.

You might ask whether I have any regrets.

It would be remiss of me if I didn’t. In fact, my regrets relate to career, intimate relationships and health choices.

Do I wish things were different?

Indeed.

Do I live with regret over those decisions?

Absolutely not.

The reason being, I’ve made peace with the past because every choice constituted the level of awareness I held at the time.

Many of my choices paved the way for immense personal growth and new opportunities in the years to follow.

Were it not for those choices, I wouldn’t be here writing this article. Whilst they caused pain and suffering, they opened me to a greater understanding of myself and my purpose.

Your Life Experiences Shape Your Character

“Failure is instructive. The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as from his successes.” ― John Dewey

Through your darkest hour there will emerge a beacon of light to guide you in the direction you’re meant to be.

There are no mistakes in a purposeful universe even though it looks that way. We simply haven’t allowed for a complete picture to emerge and base our judgement on limited information.

One of my regrets is not having pursued personal growth earlier in my life while it was conducive. I would have gained a jumpstart on my writing and speaking career had I invested in myself earlier.

Instead, I spent time and money on frivolous things that didn’t matter. These included: drinking and socialising and working out to look good.

You might say this is typical behaviour for young adults and I accept that.

However, I wish I used that time more thoughtfully and invested in myself. I would have sought a mentor to guide me, read more books and attended personal development courses.

Whilst these are mild regrets, they are avenues for self-enquiry because I appreciate my work more than ever. I also realise I was not mature enough to have pursued this line of work earlier in life.

You can hold on to the past or use the experiences as lessons for personal growth. The former means you are stuck recalling negative memories, without learning from them.

The latter means gaining the lessons that shape your character and reflected in the person you are now and will become.

The Zen Buddhist teacher Joan Halifax writes in Standing at the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet of being patient with ourselves in order to change the narrative of our past trauma: “But if we are patient and careful with ourselves and others, the narratives can shift from dreadful to heroic, and what was traumatizing in the past can become medicine for the present and the future.”

Regret and guilt are toxic emotions that steal away the present moment. They convince you life could have been different and so you hold on tightly to this false image of the past.

Although, it is a mirage held together by distorted thinking. It is when you examine the thoughts and make peace with them that you realise regret doesn’t hold a place in your life.

You are ruled by the past if you use it as an anchor to drag around. Those who carry their emotional wounds highlight their pain and suffering by eliciting sympathy from others.

They don’t realise the disempowering nature of that state because it keeps them stuck and unable to change their life.

An Awakened Heart And Mind

“The person who is to succeed will never let his mind dwell on past mistakes. He will forgive the past in his life and in the lives of other people. If he makes a mistake, he will at once forgive it.” — Ernest Holmes

You are not defined by your past any more than the words you spoke yesterday.

Granted, you may have said something you regret, however you can make amends and rewrite the karma of the past if you choose so.

Nothing is carved in stone.

Even those incarcerated may ultimately atone for their wrongdoings and seek forgiveness. Depending on the degree of the act and the dedication to their personal growth, they can change and become better people if they are committed.

There is nothing you cannot make peace with to start over.

Every unfortunate experience that took place are lessons, not life sentences, so don’t allow it to dominate your life.

Don’t be a prisoner to the past, but look upon it with kindness and compassion to rewrite a new karmic destiny.

It is the author and psychotherapist David Richo who writes in: The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them: “The practice of loving-kindness can be applied to people who have hurt or criticized us in the past and whose voices still impact our self-confidence in negative ways.”

Bathe yourself in forgiveness and make amends for any transgressions, knowing the person you were then is not the person you are now.

Use your lessons as a badge of forgiveness. The depth of our humanity means we will veer off the straight and narrow every now and again.

But it is not in how we transgress but in how we compensate for our misdemeanours that makes a difference.

Your lessons are food for growth that lead towards an awakened heart and mind. Release any memories that no longer serve you by bringing peace to them.

Practice letting go a little each time.

Notice how good you feel as you forgive and release your past memories.

Soon you will appreciate that every experience is perfectly orchestrated to awaken you to your infinite potential.

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Hard Work And A Little Faith Can Break Any Mountain, If You’re Willing To Venture Into The Unknown

Become A Greater Version Of Yourself

“Successful people are not gifted; they just work hard, then succeed on purpose.”—G. K. Nelson

Let’s get straight to the point as I want to speak from the heart.

Sometimes, a goal or dream may seem insurmountable from where you stand.

I know what it’s like.

Whilst people may consider you successful from the outside, there’s a lot hidden out of sight they’re unaware of.

Success is subjective because no two people share the same outlook. One must find their own measure of success and live by that ideal, instead of believing they are a failure.

For example, if I consider myself unsuccessful compared to an internationally bestselling author with millions of followers like Tony Robbins, I am likely to feel like a failure.

By this measure, comparing my success to others is not a correct representation because no two paths are the same.

The point is to create your own definition of success because it helps you know whether you are on track.

You must think with the end in mind since you are likely to achieve your goals and commit to the hard work. Moreover, you may not consider it hard work if you are passionate and committed to the journey.

Hard work requires a focused commitment to your talents, gifts and greatest strengths. It involves becoming a greater version of yourself in pursuit of your goals.

Success is the reward of a concerted effort.

It is the prize for harnessing your potential and directing it towards your goals and dreams.

Don’t think it’s impossible to achieve your goals from where you are now since you may be starting out or midway through the journey. Therefore, your perception is incomplete based on your assessment.

Have Faith The Finish Line Is Within Sight

“Good things happen to those who hustle.”—Anais Nin

I’ve used this metaphor in earlier articles, however it warrants being repeated.

Believing you’re unable to achieve a goal or dream is comparable to building a new home and visiting the construction site midway through the project. You might conclude from your observation the house isn’t finished because it is still being constructed.

In a related vein, it was a mentor who once offered a similar example by way of swimming across a channel.

He said: when you’re halfway between your starting point and destination, it may look as though you will not complete the swim. However, if you continue to swim towards the finish line, you will get there eventually.

Being unable to see the finish line frightens you most. Trust the finish line is within sight and continue swimming towards it, he would often say.

This is the key to succeeding at your goals and dreams. Develop the discipline to commit to the daily tasks that move you toward your ambitions.

To abandon ship midway can be disheartening because you invest much of your time and energy to get to this point.

Giving up may not be the right call. There could be other avenues to explore before you make that choice.

The toughest decisions are those when you venture into the unknown. Contained within the uncertainty lies the greatest hope your goal will be achieved.

Faith, determination and a tenacious will are vital to achieving any goal or ambition.

Goals and dreams are meaningless were it not for the person you become.

Life Can Change At The Drop Of A Hat

“The dictionary is the only place that success comes before work. Work is the key to success, and hard work can help you accomplish anything.”—Vince Lombardi

Ask those who’ve achieved success about the lessons gained during their journey. They will tell you of the difficult times when quitting was a decision away.

I equate it to my years of long distance road cycling and hitting the wall frequently.

This is a term used to describe when an athlete runs out of energy stores in their body. The physiological effects are frightening since the individual can experience: trembling, hallucinations, shivering, slurred speech, fainting and dizziness to name a few.

When you are many miles away from home and run out of food, with no convenience stores in sight, the only thing to do is focus on small landmarks to get you to your destination.

You might focus on riding to the next lamppost or the next tree. To even contemplate the finish line is overwhelming, especially when you consider how far you have to go.

The lessons gained from these experiences are: I needn’t know whether I will make it to my destination because that is not helpful at the time.

My task is to keep moving and focus on what’s ahead of me.

Similarly, your undertaking is to keep moving, irrespective of the challenges and obstacles you face.

Faith requires believing in the unfolding narrative of your journey. It won’t reveal itself until you take the next step.

Circumstances can change unexpectedly and that’s why you should continue to move towards your goals and dreams little by little.

If you act on faith alone, you will eventually get there and gain the wisdom and personal growth along the way.

You can overcome any challenge as long as you keep moving.

Rest if you must.

Take time out if needed.

But don’t give up because you can never regain what is lost if you surrender.

Sometimes, what appears as your bleakest hour can turn around and set you on the path to victory.

Work hard and savour the challenges.

Plough ahead knowing success is attainable even if it doesn’t look that way.

Commit to the path, regardless of the journey getting there.

Not all roads are lined with roses, but with sometimes with thorns, roadblocks and dead ends.

If you are willing to venture into the unknown, you will eventually break that mountain that once looked formidable from a distance.

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Life Is Like A Big Play: The Role You Resist Most Becomes The One You Are Called To Act In Next

Acting Out Unconscious Beliefs

“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.”—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life is a big play with no rehearsals other than the main act in which you are the star attraction, director and producer.

This is to your benefit because you are given the opportunity to rewrite the next scene since nothing is set in stone.

Sometimes you will feel stuck and wonder how you arrived at this point in your life. If you look back, you’ll see that every thought, decision and action led you to this point in time.

Life is an endless river flowing through you.

You cannot make a wrong decision because what you consider an undesirable outcome, contains the seed of opportunity and growth.

Author Jan Frazier states in The Freedom of Being: At Ease with What Is the need to step outside your thoughts and observe reality with openness and attentiveness, without being trapped in your judgements: “If you want to suffer less, omit no opportunity to step outside your mind and watch what it’s doing with reality. As long as you’re trapped in the world constructed of your thoughts about-something — as though they were actual objective truth — you will suffer.”

You become stuck when you act out unresolved subconscious beliefs.

I appreciate it is difficult to know whether this describes you because the average person cannot tell apart a limiting belief, nor an unconscious thought.

Some would argue, unless you have an interest in personal development, the concepts are foreign to you. This is why people repeat the same mistakes over again.

I empathise with them because I was stuck in the same predicament many years ago. It took a major life event to awaken me to a greater potential within me and my life’s purpose.

However, it is reassuring to know that “Mistakes are not a sign of stupidity. They are human ways of learning,” as psychotherapist David Richo writes in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them:

If you are attending to your personal growth, yet nothing is changing in your life, I invite you to look within to see what you’re resisting.

Undertaking personal development is great, but it reminds me of my experience working in the health and fitness industry a decade ago.

When I began my career, I worked in a major health club in my city. I often saw the same people training three or four times a week, yet nothing changed regarding their body composition.

They would often exercise for thirty minutes or less on a cardio machine while listening to music or watching the overhead television screens.

They were not entirely engaged in a strenuous work out, but felt they were given they were dressed in fitness apparel and showed up to training.

It was when they trained with a fitness professional, they noticed they’d been training within their comfort zones.

I mention this because it parallels what transpires in people’s lives.

They read personal development books and attend seminars, yet nothing changes because they are not applying the principles.

These same people are drawn to motivational Instagram quotes, yet their lives are less than inspiring because they don’t do the heavy lifting called work.

Experiences Show Up In Different Forms

“Life is a game, play it; Life is a challenge, Meet it; Life is an opportunity, Capture it.”—Unknown

I often say to clients, you must embody the principles you learn at a cellular level. They must become a part of you, so there’s a shift in consciousness and you cannot return to your former life.

If you wish for a life beyond your wildest dreams, you must do the things that align with that future.

It is what the late Dr. Stephen R. Covey who wrote the 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People calls: “Begin with the end in mind.”

Many people, resist life because it doesn’t correspond to what they hold in mind. They believe life is unfair and they shouldn’t experience hardship.

These people attract the same situations, but in a different form, until they’ve gained the lessons.

To give you some examples:

It is the person who wishes for a romantic partner and complains there are no suitable people out there, yet attracts the wrong person every time.
It is the individual who gets passed up for job promotions because they haven’t shown their value to their employer.
It is the person who is unhealthy or not at their ideal weight, yet is dictated by their emotions when it comes to food choices.
It is the person always broke when they receive their paycheque because they spend it on material objects to feel good about themselves.

These are ways in which people sabotage themselves unconsciously because they are unaware.

They are asleep at the wheel of life you could say.

Reading about personal growth without doing the work does not lead to a shift in awareness.

You are likely to keep attracting the same situations, in a different form until you’ve made peace within yourself.

As the Hermetic saying goes: “As within so without.”

For example, you might try to avoid someone causing you pain and suffering, yet it becomes a game of cat and mouse. The energy devoted to stay away from them becomes stressful and tiresome.

That’s because there’s a lesson to learn within the experience. It won’t be presented to you with a pink ribbon or smell of potpourri since you’re less likely to take notice.

Life presents you with experiences to force you out of your comfort zone and draw upon your resilience.

You have one of two choices: cower in resignation or step up to the challenge.

If you choose the former, the experience will show up in a different form until you learn the lesson.

This may be apparent by attracting the wrong romantic partner until you reconciled your unconscious beliefs.

It will involve self-enquiry or working with a trained therapist. Either way, it may be best to avoid rushing into a new relationship until you’ve made peace with the past.

I don’t know and neither will you until you heal your wounds.

Stop Carrying The Remnants Of The Past

“Cherish your yesterdays, dream your tomorrows and live your todays.”—Anonymous

Author Jan Frazier explains how the process of transformation begins in the place you are now: “Transformation is set in motion by seeing where you are now. By seeing how you keep it all going. Change happens entirely on its own.”

The role you resist most will be the one you are called to act in next because there are vital lessons contained within those experiences.

There are two ways to look at life.

The first being: “Life sucks” because challenges are difficult, or.

“Life is constantly directing you to awaken your greatest potential.”

The Zen Buddhist teacher and anthropologist Joan Halifax explains in Standing at the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet how we can investigate our challenges with openness and courage instead of fear and blame: “If we willingly investigate our difficulties, we can fold them into a view of reality that is more courageous, inclusive, emergent, and wise—as have many others who have fallen over the edge.”

Life is one big play that lasts eighty years or more if you’re fortunate enough to live that long.

It makes sense to bide your time and without hoping everything will work out.

I assure you, most of the time it won’t.

You must examine your motives and stop carrying the past into the present moment, otherwise it will be carried forward into the future.

You deserve more than that even if you don’t know it.

It doesn’t matter that I don’t know you personally. I know if you’re reading this now, you are lucky to have access to the technology to make a difference in your life.

It is not only the difference you make to your life, but the impact you have on those around you.

It is in your best interest to improve your life because you will awaken other people’s greatest potential too.

Imagine how great it is to be the creator of your own journey and that of others?

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An Identity Crisis Is Vital For Growth Because It Occurs At The Edge Of Chaos And Harmony

Internal Conflict Triggered By Chaos

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self, so therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity.”—Kahlil Gibran

It was the developmental psychologist Erik Erikson who first coined the term identity crisis.

He formulated eight key stages one undergoes through their adolescent years based on their psychosocial development.

They are:

Stage 1 – Trust vs. Mistrust
Stage 2 – Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt
Stage 3 – Initiative vs. Guilt
Stage 4 – Industry vs. Inferiority
Stage 5 – Identity vs. Confusion
Stage 6 – Intimacy vs. Isolation
Stage 7 – Generativity vs. Stagnation
Stage 8 – Integrity vs. Despair

Erikson believed a person’s personality develops in a series of stages. His model differs to Freud’s in that social interactions and relationships impact an individual’s development and growth throughout their life.

Each stage builds on the previous one which creates the foundations for growth in the following years.

At each stage, a person experiences internal conflicts, thus creating a turning point in the individual’s personality.

The conflicts are based on the understanding that an individual experiences growth or fails to develop these qualities.

In the educational book Key Concepts in Counselling and Psychotherapy: A Critical A-Z Guide to Theory author Vicki Smith gives a clear understanding of how an identity crisis can become a source of power within the individual’s psyche: “He (Erikson) believed that we all have identity crises at one time or another in our lives and that these crises do not necessarily represent a negative state but can be a driving force toward positive resolution.”

If they integrate the conflicts into their personality, the subsequent growth and development will serve them later in life. If they don’t develop these abilities, they are likely to suffer an inhibited sense of self which dominates their life.

Erikson’s understanding is that an individual becomes competent when moving through the eight stages and integrates the egoic self into their psyche.

In a similar vein, author Jan Frazier explains in The Freedom of Being: At Ease with What Is the need to transcend the ego by stepping outside the known sense of self: “In order to look at yourself, you have to step outside of it. Look not with the eyes of the ego, but with the eyes of presence.”

The Ego Is Not Meant To Dominate Your Life

“Our stories come from our lives and from the playwright’s pen, the mind of the actor, the roles we create, the artistry of life itself and the quest for peace.”—Maya Angelou

Many people identify with outer aspects of their life as the basis to their identity.

For example, an individual may believe their role is that of a mother and wife. Yet, if their husband is unfaithful and the marriage dissolves, they will question their identity since they no longer associate with that label.

Similarly, others presume their work, relationships, physical appearance, social and wealth status or performance are measures of their identity.

Regrettably, if these aspects are removed from their life, they experience an identity crisis because they created a persona around them.

I would argue these qualities do not shape your identity but are a vehicle in which to explore your life’s narrative.

Your ego is the identity the mind constructs to define itself, yet this is a fictional narrative because external events can disrupt it.

Jan Frazier reaffirms how the roles you play do not construct your identity since there is an underlying presence beneath that: “The roles you play, the features you exhibit, the things you believe in — while they matter very much in the ordinary realm of human discourse — are not what you are. When presence senses itself within you, none of these things have any substance.”

Your true identity lies beneath the shadow of the egoic self. An identity crisis is vital to an individual’s growth because it allows for chaos and order to reveal one’s authentic nature.

An identity crisis can be likened to the shell of an egg breaking open. The shell merely gives form to the ego so it can make sense of its role within society.

The ego is not meant to dominate your life, nor do you wish to banish it. It must be integrated with the authentic self to develop the wholeness of who you are.

Otherwise, the egoic self you once identified with is no longer something you can uphold.

Don’t Try To Make Sense Of Chaos

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.”—William Shakespeare

To paint a contrasting view, psychotherapist and meditation teacher Loch Kelly writes in Shift into Freedom: The Science and Practice of Open-Hearted Awareness how consciousness creates a thinker to uphold the ego, thus forming a mistaken identity in the process: “Afflictive consciousness creates a thinker out of thinking and ego function, and this thought-based sense of self forms the core of mistaken identity. Nothing more than a self-referential loop of thinking about thinking, our mistaken identity is actually a continuous conceptual proliferation that creates solid things out of images and a solid self out of thinking.”

What is essential is to unmask the egoic self so the pain, suffering and uncertainty are the underpinnings for future growth and development.

It is like the progress of performance athletes experience when training for the Olympics. They must push to the edge of their limits and discover their potential or risk remaining where they are.

If they push too far too soon, they may invoke physical injury that can sideline them. They may become depressed as a result because their identity is formed around their status of an athlete and performance.

However, from a developmental viewpoint, the experience can be vital to their performance if they can let go of their fixed narrative and former identity.

If you experienced an identity crisis, trust in the deeper psychological lesson guiding your personal development.

Don’t try to make sense of the chaos, but surrender to the process, knowing whatever is breaking apart is doing so to make way for the true self to emerge.

The post An Identity Crisis Is Vital For Growth Because It Occurs At The Edge Of Chaos And Harmony appeared first on Tony Fahkry.

Life Doesn’t Happen To You, It Happens Irrespective Of You. How To Embrace The Process Of Life

Laying The Foundations For Something Greater

“An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.

When you’re faced with a problem, it may seem the circumstances are deliberately happening to you.

It is difficult to step away from the problem and see it from a different perspective because you’re invested in it.

When you seek a different viewpoint, you are able to step back from the drama.

Psychologists talk about catastrophizing situations that are not as grim as they appear.

In the academic book Stress Consequences: Mental, Neuropsychological and Socioeconomic the author George Fink defines catastrophizing as: “Catastrophizing is a cognitive process that includes negative self-statements and excessively negative beliefs about the future.”

The key to overcoming your problems is to distance yourself emotionally and allow the pieces of the puzzle to come together before drawing a conclusion.

Life has a complex way of developing and it doesn’t always go according to plan. What may initially appear as a problem is often laying the foundations for something better to take place.

If you focus on the problem only, you miss out on the entire process unfolding as it should.

Take, for example, if you are building a new home. You may need to first demolish the existing home to make way for the foundations for the new home.

However, if someone were to visit the site and see the home being demolished, there would be no semblance of a new home other than the rubble left behind.

This setting may also take place mentally when events don’t unfold according to what you had in mind.

That is because you’re responding to what is essentially the old collapsing in order for the new to fill its place.

Many believe life is happening to them instead of appreciating that life is just happening, irrespective of them.

Step Back From The Drama

“Life is a process. We are a process. The universe is a process.” — Anne Wilson Shaef

There’s a wonderful Zen Koan in which a master is walking through the countryside with his pupil.

The pupil sees a flock of ducks flying overhead and says to the Zen master: “Look at the flock of ducks flying away from us.”

The master instantly corrects the pupil and reminds him the ducks are not flying away from him, but flying in a direction that passes over him.

Put simply: when untoward events arise, it’s easy to think you’re the victim because events are happening to you.

But what if you considered it as just another event devoid of meaning?

To take a comparative view, the renowned father of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud was once asked by a student of his fondness for smoking cigars.

Freud associated most human behaviour with a sexual meaning. He believed in symbols and by smoking a cigar, his student attributed this as a phallic symbol with a deeper psychological meaning.

Freud responded: “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”

He was stating that sometimes events do not have meaning save for the meaning you assign them.

For this reason, try to accept life as something that is constantly evolving and happening through you.

After you and I leave this earth, life will continue to evolve. It has done so for thousands of years and will do so for thousands more.

To accept life means to step back from the drama and appreciate what is unfolding is for your greater good.

To offer another perspective, Dr. Alex Lickerman explains in The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self that our obstacles aren’t externally generated but arise from within us: “At other times, the true obstacle isn’t the obstacle in front of us but the obstacle inside of us. Perhaps it’s our inflexibility, our arrogance, or our fear, but when victory over external barriers is contingent upon victory over internal ones, the greatest benefit a situation has to offer us is wisdom.”

A Tiny Piece In A Puzzle Within A Grander Scheme

“I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

I advise people to mentally step back from their problems by observing patterns throughout their life.

Patterns are all around us, whether it be via people’s behaviours or the patterns of life.

I have come to realise, when something appears untoward, it is laying the foundations for something greater to unfold further down the road.

If I’m to judge the experience based on first impressions, I would judge it as an unfortunate event and try to solve the problem.

If I am patient and allow the process to unfold, it will do so of its own accord without me judging the condition as unfavourable.

For example, you may be late for an appointment and be held up by traffic. You think it’s terrible because you’ll be late to your appointment.

But what if the delay turns out to be a blessing in disguise?

What if that delay is re-routing you to a different location to help someone in need?

Or to discover something you’ve been looking for?

Or prevent you from being involved in a similar car accident?

What I’m saying is, you are a tiny piece in a puzzle within a grander scheme orchestrating itself every moment of the day.

You are a pawn in a chess game that has millions of pieces simultaneously moving across the board.

This doesn’t mean you’re not important in the scheme of things. Rather, if you judge something on first impressions, you miss out on seeing what is likely to unfold later on.

Psychotherapist David Richo writes in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And The Happiness We Find By Embracing Them that we lack the trust to accept how life will play out:  “We worry because we do not trust ourselves to handle what happens to us. We worry because we do not trust that the way the chips fall will work out for the best. We worry because we have not yet said yes.”

So suspend your judgement and avoid reacting to situations by practicing infinite patience.

Look for patterns throughout your life and refer to the past when similar conditions turned out in your favour.

Nothing is as unwelcoming as it first appears, it is only your thoughts that add meaning and context to a situation.

Step back and let life unravel the pieces of the puzzle before you judge something as good or bad.

In doing so, you realise that life is always serving you but not in the way you imagine.

The post Life Doesn’t Happen To You, It Happens Irrespective Of You. How To Embrace The Process Of Life appeared first on Tony Fahkry.

People Grow Into The Finest Version Of Themselves When They Are Loved Without An Agenda

Heal And Transform Your Childhood Wounds

“It is not good to try to cram our ideas down the throats of others. People grow in their own way, in their own time. Love is a feeling of wellbeing for other person.”—Ashok Gulla 

People grow into the finest version of themselves when they’re given the opportunity to awaken their authentic self.

Growth takes place by opening our hearts and minds to be tolerant of others without hidden motives.

An agenda creates distance between people since it is not vested in love or cooperation. These qualities are the underpinnings of a harmonious relationship.

If you want to help people grow into the finest version of themselves, nurture a spirit of compassion and empathy with them.

The American physician and author Gerald G. Jampolsky echoes these sentiments in his book Love Is Letting Go of Fear. He says we gain peace of mind when we accept people as they are without demands or expectations: “Peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others, but by simply accepting them as they are. True acceptance is always without demands and expectations.”

We should greet others where they stand rather than expect them to align with us.

We narrow the divide that separates us and reach out to them in a shared space of humility, support and understanding.

Growth takes place when the conditions are safe for a person to thrive and prosper.

You need only look at young children who grow up in a caring and loving household. With proper parenting and role models, they develop a healthy self-esteem and empathy for their fellow beings.

However, if their upbringing is interrupted with hostility, violence or emotional abuse, they are likely to adopt this behaviour later in life.

What is sewn into the family unit will create the conditions for the child’s self-esteem to flourish in the ensuing years.

I realise not everyone grows up in a household where these qualities are apparent. It is out of your control to choose your parents or caregivers, even their parenting style.

However, you have the power to heal and transform your childhood wounds so you don’t carry them throughout life in order to appease your parents or caregivers.

Author Matt Khan says in Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins With You that having an agenda interrupts the ability of the person’s heart to heal: “When you are driven by an agenda to be viewed in a certain way, you are unable to hold a space for anyone’s heart to heal.”

See Them Through The Eyes Of Love

“Love moves without an agenda. It just moves because that is its nature to move.”—Adyashanti

Healing and transformation is difficult and may take years if not decades to explore. The journey into oneself is worth it because of who you become.

As mentioned in earlier articles, I had a fractured relationship with my father growing up, owing to my strict disciplinary upbringing.

When I reflect on it now, I see that my childhood experience forced me to take the journey into myself and discover my true essence. This journey became the catalyst for writing the book Awaken Your Authentic Self.

As a child and young adult, I assumed the narrative my father upheld which resulted in developing low self-esteem.

In the decades that followed, I realised that my childhood experiences were an invitation to love myself and transform my childhood wounds.

I learned more about myself over the last two decades that through hardship and challenges arise the most resilient, yet humble souls among us.

“The law of Love is that you are Love, and that as you give Love to others you teach yourself what you are,” affirms Gerald G. Jampolsky.

Considering this, worship your intimate relationships because the other person has chosen you amongst others to bear their soul and allow you into their heart.

To break their heart is not only a transgression against them but also yourself.

Intimate relationships are a gateway into the deepest part of your psyche. You learn more about your true nature and awaken your authentic self through these unions.

Psychologist Rick Hanson highlights this feeling in his book Resilient: 12 Tools For Transforming Everyday Experiences Into Lasting Happiness where he writes of the transformative essence that love brings to a relationship:

“Love is the multivitamin, the universal medicine. Love helps us feel safe whether as a scared child getting a hug or as an adult walking with a friend through a dark parking lot. Love is deeply satisfying. And love draws us immediately into a sense of connection. If it’s hard to identify a key resource for a challenge, no worries. In one form or another, try love.”

Nurture your partner, friends, family and co-workers in a sea of kindness and compassion.

Greet them in a place of respect, trust and sacredness.

See them through the eyes of love not judgement, hate or anger.

When these disempowering states arise, heal and transform them into the wholeness of your being.

What you heal within yourself you heal within the relationship.

Gerald G. Jampolsky makes it clear when he says we must strive to choose love over fear in all relationships, since the two states cannot simultaneously coexist: “Fear and Love can never be experienced at the same time. It is always our choice as to which of these emotions we want. By choosing Love more consistently than fear, we can change the nature and quality of our relationships.”

Disharmony And Disease Of Thinking

“You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.”—Thich Nhat Hanh

Don’t wait for others to improve themselves first.

Tend to your personal growth at all times and create the ideal conditions for others to do the same. If nothing else changes within the relationship, at least you will have focussed on your personal growth.

Growth is vital to life otherwise we remain stagnant, stuck and our self-esteem is impaired.

This is when problems arise and people blame one another for their transgressions.

If the individual traces the steps leading to the conflict, they will see how they each contributed to neglect their personal growth and that of their partners.

Matt Kahn says: “An overstimulated nervous system doesn’t allow you to listen without an agenda since it causes you to feel as if you are someone who is unsupported, overlooked, and misunderstood on a regular basis. This is often why human beings wrestle for control in conversations or find the time to debate one another.”

Any form of war whether it be war between nations or war within ourselves always starts locally. It begins at the level of the mind with disharmony and disease of thinking.

It starts with separation instead of inner harmony.

Love those close to you with a spirit of openness, tenderness while being their agent of change.

Be the facilitator of their happiness and I assure you, what you do for another is returned tenfold.

Don’t allow that to be your motivator as you will expect things in return and be disappointed when it is not reciprocated.

Do it out of the kindness of your heart.

Do it because it pleases you to support their happiness and personal growth.

Authors Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener write in The Upside of Your Dark Side: “Unconditional love is easy to proclaim, hard to enact.”

Once we greet others in a sacred space of love, it becomes a vessel for a union built on trust, compassion and a connection between people whose lives are meant together.

Playing The Game Of Life Long Term Is The Key To Overcoming Short Term Setbacks

Life Should Be Measured In Its Entirety

“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

To dwell on your setbacks instead of playing the long game in life can be significant to your emotional wellbeing.

Obstacles are real while the future is promised to no one.

Disappointments can overwhelm you, though they are just one aspect of your life. The key is to keep moving forward and not get caught up in your problems for too long.

You mustn’t allow what is holding you back right now to overshadow your long-term plans.

It was Henry Ford who said: “When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”

Opportunities are concealed in your setbacks if you’re willing to look hard enough. It is once the anxiety settles that you will understand what you’re dealing with.

It is human nature to catastrophise situations that are not as bleak as they appear. The mind has an inherent negativity bias owing to thousands of years of evolution.

That’s why life should be measured in its entirety, not by your failures.

I equate it to visiting an art exhibition and observing a painting from six inches away. You’re only likely to see bold brush strokes from that close up and not the entire masterpiece.

However, if you step back and observe it from a proper distance, you will notice the beauty of the canvas as a complete picture.

Many people focus on one aspect of their life not going to plan and judge the entirety of their life by this one measure.

If you’re lucky enough, you will live a long life. So, avoid giving too much attention to your setbacks, since you’re likely to bounce back from them.

Don’t exaggerate what is taking place.

Yes, setbacks may seem real, but you will overcome them to the best of your ability. It is part of the human condition, to overcome, grow and expand into a greater version of yourself.

Author Amy Morin explains in 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do that keeping an eye on your long-term plans helps you to keep the big picture in mind instead of staying mired in your setbacks: “If you can remember to look at your long-term goals, however, it will help you put setbacks into perspective.”

Cast your attention away from negativity and what is not working and focus on your long-term plans.

Consider the following questions instead of getting caught up in negativity:

What could be taking place behind the scenes I’m unaware of?

Are there hidden lessons contained within my setbacks?

You Are Never Trapped In Your Current Circumstances

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”—Confucius

The value of adopting a long-term view is in not taking life seriously because ultimately problems will resolve themselves if you are patient.

Develop a clear picture of your intended future, instead of focusing on the setback. Recall the mind’s negativity bias I mentioned earlier?

It requires vigilance and purpose to readjust your focus and is worth the effort if you’re to succeed.

Obstacles are part of life.

Whilst they’re difficult to deal with, they allow for crucial personal growth for the journey ahead.

In light of this, adopt self-control and discipline as you think long-term.

No one knows what the future holds, but if you have a purposeful vision of what it might look like, you can overcome your short-term pain.

Author Larry Weidel writes in Serial Winner: 5 Actions to Create Your Cycle of Success how failures and setbacks serve a function in your life, not to defeat you but promote you: “Failures, setbacks, bad luck, disasters; they are there to serve you, not hold you back. They toughen you up and drive you to improve. Frustration fuels growth. It gives you the energy and resolve to clean yourself up, get organized, fix what you can, and take the next step.”

Long-term thinking helps you to appreciate that things will improve and you are never trapped in your current circumstances.

Time tests your inner resolve, your strength of character and your ability to withstand difficult conditions. Emotional growth occurs when you allow a situation to play out as it should instead of hoping for an easy path.

An easy life seldom leads to the fruit at the end of the branch.

It is difficult to take a long-term view at times because our minds are not accustomed to thinking that far ahead.

We are used to dealing with what is taking place before us and have a limited view of what tomorrow will bring.

That comes at a cost to our wellbeing because if we follow this script, we are constantly putting out spot fires instead of working on our big-picture goals.

To think long-term, set your sights on the future and review your plans to get there. Look within as you plan ahead and move towards your dreams and greater ambitions.

Imagine Your Proposed Future

“How many people are completely successful in every department of life? Not one. The most successful people are the ones who learn from their mistakes and turn their failures into opportunities.”—Zig Ziglar

Take action however small, whether it be through self-reinforcement, affirmations or visualisations.

Success is contained in the smallest details.

In his book The Time Paradox: The New Psychology of Time That Will Change Your Life, psychologist and professor at Stanford University, Philip Zimbardo states there are six time paradoxes that shape our lives:

Past-negative

Past-positive

Present-fatalistic

Present-hedonistic

Future

Transcendental-future

If you wish to take an inventory of your time perspective, I encourage you to complete the Zimbardo Time Perspective Inventory test online.

Based on his principles, your relationship with time influences aspects of your life. So if you dwell on the past, you are less likely to appreciate the present moment or the future.

The key to long-term thinking is to imagine your proposed future. Focus on the smaller destinations instead of the larger picture.

For example, if your goal is to lose 10 kg (22 lbs) by the end of the year and you are injured (setback), this will make it difficult to exercise and achieve your goal.

You could choose to focus on the setback or what you are capable of doing during this period.

Use the time to tweak your nutritional habits by consuming fewer carbohydrates, owing to inactivity.

Later, when you can exercise again you are likely to enhance your weight loss due to following sound nutritional habits.

“You need to change your self-talk in order to shift the story you’re telling yourself about setbacks and adversity. You need to seek the insight or wisdom in challenging moments,” states author Adam Markel in Pivot: The Art and Science of Reinventing Your Career and Life.

Focus On The Long Game

“Most great people have attained their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure.”—Napoleon Hill

There is always something you can do however small, to move you forward towards your goals.

Long-term thinking is something I’ve pursued throughout my adult life.

Whilst others excelled in individual areas and gained instant results, I focused on long-term outcomes.

I experience setbacks and obstacles like most people, though I don’t allow it to consume me. When I find myself stuck in a situation, I consider it a minor speed hump in what is a long journey.

I enjoy author Whitney Johnson’s view in Disrupt Yourself: Putting the Power of Disruptive Innovation to Work: “As I have grappled with my own failures, and as I have watched others dealing with setbacks, I have observed several responses that seem to ameliorate failure, transforming it into a stepping-stone to future success.”

This is the framework of this article: using your setbacks as a stepping stone for future success.

It is what esteemed Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck calls developing a Growth Mindset. “It’s difficult to maintain confidence in a fixed mind-set without distorting the world, such as acting defensively or blaming someone or something else for setbacks,” says Carol Dweck.

To overcome setbacks, recognise it as a minor blip in what is a greater plan unfolding. Deal with what is taking place by all means, but use the lessons to develop a Growth Mindset instead of a Fixed Mindset.

Consequently, I invite you to focus on the long game for your life and not get mired in your short-term setbacks.

It was Charlie Chaplin who once said: “Nothing is permanent in this wicked world ­– not even our troubles.

The gift of your hard work and commitment requires seizing opportunities as they arise instead of dwelling on your past mistakes.

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The Voice In Your Head Is Not Who You Really Are. You Are The One Who Observes It

You Are Not Your Thoughts

“But it was in this moment, lying in bed late at night, that I first realized that the voice in my head—the running commentary that had dominated my field of consciousness since I could remember—was kind of an asshole.”—Dan Harris

The biggest lie perpetrated by mankind is the idea that the voice in your head is who you really are.

It’s easy to understand why people believe the narrative in their minds because thoughts are real. They come at you every moment of the day and are unrelenting until they wear you down.

To illustrate how much we identify with our thoughts, years ago while meditating, I experienced no thoughts in what was a tiny pocket of time and believed I did not exist.

It was short lived because the experience frightened me to the extent I generated a thought in the next moment to confirm my existence.

This took place within a few seconds, yet it felt like an eternity.

Authors Steven C. Hayes and Spencer Smith explain in Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment how we form a conceptualised self which is difficult to move beyond: “The exciting part about seeing your own conceptualized self as something you hold on to arbitrarily is that truly new narratives may be possible that are, right now, outside of the story currently being told. But it can be frightening to open up to possibilities that go beyond your conceptualized self. If you are not your thoughts, then who are you?”

In this day and age we’re inundated with external noise. It has become more difficult than ever to tune it out, yet simultaneously it is taking place within our minds.

Thoughts do not confirm your sense of self as apparent in the earlier quote.

They are transitory and fleeting electrical episodes in the mind. You don’t know what you will think next until the thoughts emerge.

Similarly, you may be tired or hungry and notice your thoughts are scattered.

In contrast, when feeling energetic, your thoughts are more positive. This is when people claim they are at their best and indicative of who they are.

I would argue you are not your thoughts at your best nor at your worst.

Who are you then?

You are the receiver and observer of your thoughts. You are the radio receiving and transmitting thoughts, but not the thoughts themselves.

As alluded to in the title, you are the person recognising the experience of the thoughts.

You add context and meaning to what you experience and label it as good or bad judging by how the thought makes you feel. This is not necessarily a bad thing because human beings are meaning-making machines.

It’s wired into our genetic disposition to make sense of the world, yet it can also be a double-edged sword if things go wrong.

Thoughts are mostly neutral and have little meaning save for the meaning you add to it.

I enjoy Mary O’Malley’s point of view in What’s in the Way Is the Way: A Practical Guide for Waking Up to Life in which she writes: “Life created the mind as a tool for manoeuvring through Life, not to be in charge of it. The mind is a wonderful servant, but it is a horrible master. Giving it the task of being in charge of Life has created the world of struggle that most people live in all day long, keeping them cut off from peace and joy.”

A Pebble Dropped In The Pond

“Something I wrote quite a few years ago was: “The voices in my head, they don’t care what I do, they just want to argue the matter through and through.” It is a common mistake, to think you’re going to go into some kind of spiritual practice and you’re going to be relieved of the human burdens, from human crosses like thought, jealousy, despair – in fact, if anything, these feelings are amplified.”—Leonard Cohen

The greatest victory you can undertake in your personal development is to recognise you are not your thoughts and detach from them. This is difficult to do and requires discipline and self-enquiry.

I have come to respect and pay attention to negative thoughts such as those imbued with: fear, anxiety, anger, etc. by observing them, not responding to them.

This took many years of practice and meditation. Before that, I was constantly dragged down by negative thoughts because I believed the narrative they espoused.

For example, if something unpleasant happened, I experienced negative thoughts that spiralled out of control. They turned into destructive emotional states and soon enough I was caught in a storm of pessimism.

There came a point where I had enough and started meditating in the evening to help me sleep better.

Once I became accustomed to meditating, I started journaling my thoughts and discovered a theme interweaving throughout my thinking process.

I objectively traced the thoughts and examined the underlying mechanism behind them.

For example, if I consumed alcohol and caffeine on particular days, my thoughts were erratic and impulsive.

Similarly, if I consumed a carbohydrate-rich diet high in sugar, I observed the same erratic thoughts.

It wasn’t until I switched to whole foods and eliminated caffeine and alcohol from my diet that my erratic thoughts subsided alongside the other work I was doing.

I realise this is an extreme intervention because alcohol, sugar and carbs are key components to a Western diet. Nevertheless, I was prepared to do whatever it took to gain peace of mind.

It’s said the mind is likened to a calm pond of water, whereby a thought is a pebble dropped in the pond. The ripple effect of the pebble has an undulating influence on the mind and body.

I’m not suggesting you need to go to the extreme I did. In fact, it took two years of observations and what many nowadays call hacking one’s health to notice what worked and what didn’t.

During that time I lapsed often, yet it was important to discover how my diet and moods influenced my thoughts.

I embarked on this because I wanted to inhabit my body completely, without a cocktail of chemicals dictating my quality of life.

Sure, I miss foods rich in carbohydrates but the inner peace I gained far outweighs the moments of pleasure carbs offer.

I mention this to highlight how the voice in your head can be influenced by external factors.

If foods and stimulating drinks can influence your thoughts, the voice in your head is not the real you but subject to what you put in your body.

Even Negative Thoughts Are Useful

“In case you haven’t noticed, you have a mental dialogue going on inside your head that never stops. It just keeps going and going. Have you ever wondered why it talks in there? How does it decide what to say and when to say it? How much of what it says turns out to be true? How much of what it says is even important? — Michael A. Singer

To gain a better understanding of your thoughts requires becoming self-aware and mindful of your inner world.

Loch Kelly explains this in Shift into Freedom: The Science and Practice of Open-Hearted Awareness: “One of the most important things to learn is how to separate awareness from thinking, and then we can see that thoughts and emotions are not the centre of who we are.”

Many people are driven by their unconscious desires and constantly react to their external environment.

They are governed by what takes place outside, it becomes difficult to make sense of what is happening within.

To summarise the plan I undertook to make peace with my thoughts:

Journal my thoughts.
Be mindful of the foods I consumed.
Know how alcohol and caffeine affect me once they are consumed, particularly in the ensuing hours and days.
Observe my moods throughout the day while paying attention to external triggers.
Be aware when my blood sugar levels drop which depletes glucose to the brain. This can affect thoughts.

It goes without saying: be sensible and do not experiment with yourself if you are depressed or suffer from a mentally diagnosed condition. Seek professional advice and guidance. This is not intended to replace professional treatment, nor do I expect it to be taken as advice.

Thoughts themselves are not the problem.

The voice inside your head is something you can observe and turn the volume down on.

It is unwise to get rid of negative thoughts because they can serve a purpose.

I discovered this through many years of self-enquiry. It requires integrating them into the wholeness of your being rather than try to abolish them completely.

All thoughts have their place in the mind, even negative ones.

The key is to dissociate from negative thoughts and choose empowering ones in their place.

By turning down the volume on negative chatter you allow the authentic self to emerge.

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