Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 24

Your Self-Talk And Mental Picture Determines The Level Of Dedication To Your Actions

Develop A New Consciousness And Awareness

“Relentless, repetitive self-talk is what changes our self-image.”—Denis Waitley

What is the predominant self-talk that takes place in your mind? Is it affirmative or a disempowering voice that tries to convince you the world is a dark and scary place? It’s easy to get pulled into this narrative because the voices are real and so we conclude they must be true. Or are they? I often use an exercise in seminars where I ask participants to tell me what they will think next. I explain, if they identify with their thoughts, surely they must know what their next thought will be. Unless there are psychics in the audience, rarely do people know what their next thought will be until it occurs. The point is: thoughts come and go from our minds and unless we give them meaning, they have little power in and of themselves.

So let’s return to your self-talk. You might be accustomed to listening to the voice in your head, that perhaps you’re no longer aware of the negative thoughts? Yet, that is what we must pay attention to if we want to change our circumstances. It’s said: thoughts become things, meaning everything in the physical universe begins with a thought. The house or the apartment you live in exists because an architect had an idea for the design of the building. Your smartphone, laptop or computer, began its life with a thought. The point I wish to emphasise is: our reality is the result of our thinking, whether it be positive or negative. When negative circumstances show up, they merely shine the light on the truthfulness of our thoughts.

For example, consider a current problem in your life you want to improve. Do you believe there’s a solution you haven’t discovered yet? I’m hoping you will realise that the nature of your problem results from your thinking alone. This doesn’t mean your thinking is flawed, it means you have directed your thoughts, whether conscious or unconscious to something unwanted and it has manifested as a result. Do you agree, if we want a different outcome, we must change our thoughts or at least our perception of the problem? It was Albert Einstein who once said: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Put simply: We must develop a new consciousness and awareness in which to perceive our problems from a higher level. The same consciousness cannot solve the problems created with our current level of thinking.

Awareness Shines The Light On Our Thoughts

“The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large.”—Confucius

How does this relate to your self-talk or mental picture influencing your actions? If we replay the same script and visualise it through the lens of negativity, it must eventually manifest in our life. We agreed earlier that thoughts become things. What we think about and give our attention to, must it show up in our reality? I’m not talking about the law of attraction but universal laws that govern the framework of reality. The Hermetic aphorism states: “As within so without.” Meaning, what happens at the level of thoughts is reflected in our reality. When we combine self-talk with a mental picture, we add colour to what appears in our life. We define it and give it energy, irrespective of whether it is a negative thought or a positive one. This is an idea the motivational psychologist and author Dr. Shad Helmstetter emphasises in What To Say When You Talk To Your Self when he says: “Self-Talk is a way to override our past negative programming by erasing or replacing it with conscious, positive new directions. Self-Talk is a practical way to live our lives by active intent rather than by passive acceptance.”

People often ask: Does it mean I need to be attentive to every thought? No, since that requires a lot of mental energy best devoted to other things. The key is to observe our thoughts with an expanded awareness instead of remaining unconscious to them. Awareness is the key that unlocks us from the prison of negativity and self-destruction. It is the key to inner peace and freedom because it is the filter for our thoughts. Awareness shines the light on the congruency of our thoughts. If we wish to change our external conditions, being aware of what we think is the first step. I often use the example of a ship changing course midway through its journey in the ocean. First, the captain must change course and map new coordinates and relay this information to his crew. The same is true of ourselves: our awareness shines the light on our inner self-talk and mental picture. If we wish to change our future, it must begin by observing our mind and becoming conscious of our unconscious thoughts. It is only then, the level of dedication to our actions become congruent with a shift in awareness.

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If You’re Willing To Handle The Setbacks, You Needn’t Be Concerned With The Defeat

The Bigger The Goal, The Greater The Setbacks

“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” — Winston Churchill

The scale of your setbacks matters little, as long as you continue taking action towards your goals. How does this idea appeal to you? Are you willing to endure failure and defeat to achieve your goals? Your answer will reveal what you’re willing to accept to accomplish them. If our goals are imbued with a strong purpose, setbacks mustn’t be seen as detrimental to our success, but part of the process. Our capacity to handle setbacks means we will either interpret it as a defeat or a learning point to achieve our goals. The degree to which we tolerate setbacks is proportionate to our willingness to overcome them and take consistent action to achieve our outcomes.

Think about your current goals. Have you experienced setbacks in recent times? How did you overcome them? Setbacks can teach us a lot about ourselves because they reveal our character strengths and renew our commitment to our goals. This is because we become more efficient pursuing actions aligned with our highest intent, instead of wasting time on insignificant tasks. Setbacks help us develop determination to embark upon our goals. It’s no surprise, the bigger the goal the greater the setbacks. This is attributed to the learning curve and processes required to achieve anything of value. We mustn’t obsess over our defeats, but learn the lessons embedded in the experiences. This is the message espoused by Dr. Alex Lickerman who writes in The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self of the need to develop an undefeated mind in the face of adversity: “Even when we can’t find a smile to save us, even when we’re tired beyond all endurance, possessing an undefeated mind means never forgetting that defeat comes not from failing but from giving up. An undefeated mind doesn’t fill itself with false hope, but with hopes to find real solutions, even solutions it may not want or like.”

Don’t Wish It Was Easier, Wish You Were Better

“How many people are completely successful in every department of life? Not one. The most successful people are the ones who learn from their mistakes and turn their failures into opportunities.” — Zig Ziglar

I don’t know about you, but I’ve encountered countless setbacks over the years, personally and professionally. It affected me at first since I associated defeat with my self-esteem. Nevertheless, after countless setbacks, I stopped caring about losing and focused on learning. I developed a Growth Mindset over a Fixed Mindset as the Professor of Psychology, Carol Dweck teaches in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Have you experienced this before, whereby you hit rock bottom and stop caring about failing? It was during this time, I noticed a shift in consciousness and I saw positive results in my life because of this shift. I realised my setbacks were not indicative of my character, but part of the process to achieve my goals. I must state I didn’t stop caring about my goals or the outcome, in fact I cared more than before. However, my failures and setbacks allowed me to develop an insatiable hunger towards my goals and therefore work proficiently to achieve them.

Can you associate with the growth that comes from setbacks? Conversely, how do you deal with defeat? Does it affect your self-esteem or give you more hunger to go after your goals? What we experience in the face of our setbacks determines how we assault our goals and highest ambitions. Setbacks can be hidden blessings since they develop our strengths and expose our weaknesses. This helps us to sharpen the saw of our resiliency, for it was the late American motivational speaker Jim Rohn who once said: “Don’t wish it was easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for less problems wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenge wish for more wisdom.” He was making the case that wishing away our problems does little to help us overcome them. We mustn’t retreat from our difficulties but grow in confidence to conquer them each time. Therefore, our willingness to embrace setbacks is equal to our capacity to endure defeat. It is said we fail our way to success. This is the premise of what the former Prime Minister of England, Winston Churchill meant when he said: “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” He knew setbacks were part of life and we mustn’t let them affect our motivation and enthusiasm, but use them to fuel our efforts.

Are you getting a sense that your setbacks can be used to your advantage instead of seeing them through the eyes of defeat? There is nothing to lose as long as you remain resolute towards your goals. Every action yields an outcome and our success is built upon the actions that follow. If we give up because of failure or a loss of enthusiasm, we miss the opportunity to build on our earlier efforts. Think of links in a chain whereby each one depends on the other to hold it together. As long as we keep moving towards our goals, we are bound to reach them or grow significantly as a result, even if we miss the mark. Giving up awards us nothing other than regret and frustration, which is relieved by being unconcerned with defeat. So I ask you: what are you putting off now that demands your attention? How can you take an existing goal or project and inject them with enthusiasm and a new mindset? After all, the measure of your setbacks will be insignificant if you’re willing to endure the tale of defeat.

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Why Everything Works Out Exactly As It Should When You Embrace Uncertainty In Your Life

Lean In To Your Fears and Insecurities

“When you become comfortable with uncertainty, Infinite Possibilities open up in your life.” — Eckhart Tolle

There’s a Chinese proverb which reads: “If you want to know your past, look into your present conditions. If you want to know your future, look into your present actions.” Life is filled with uncertainty and we rarely have a precise picture of what lies ahead. It is natural to assume we’re in control of our life, yet there’s also an element of uncertainty because the seeds of opportunity lie in the unexpected. At a deeper level, we fear uncertainty because we lack the life skills to navigate our way through it. Known as a negativity bias, it is a mental predisposition to ruminate on negative information while neglecting the positive. The security we crave can often be an illusion that provides a false sense of safety. As a result, our mind looks to our external environment to reinforce a sense of balance. Can you relate to this scenario in your life? For example, what is your relationship with uncertainty? Do you crave security and control? Your answer is neither right nor wrong, though we must know our predominant constitution if we’re to cooperate with the forces of life.

To believe we’re in command of our life can be both a blessing and curse. In one way it affirms our sense of safety, while on the other it is misleading because we have limited control, if any. It’s no surprise the mind is notorious for exaggerating events more than they appear. In psychology it is referred to as catastrophising: the inherent bias to perceive events within a negative context. So, how can we embrace the unexpected without falling victim to the negative emotions that accompany it? To embrace uncertainty requires a change in perspective. We must yield to life, not oppose it. This doesn’t imply resignation or apathy as many people believe. It means having trust and faith that life will work itself out if we allow the events to play out. However uncomfortable, we learn to lean in to our fears and insecurities but not run away from them. Running away from fear is bound to catch up to us with an overwhelming force. Yet, inhabiting our body when anxiety arises and choosing a proper time to examine the anxiety is a better antidote for overcoming fear. For example, have you experienced similar anxiety in the past? If so, are you repeating these feelings instead of dealing with them? Fear can be a confronting emotion, yet we gain the self-assurance when we embrace it as a useful emotion.

Uncertainty Helps You Re-Evaluate The Past

“Faith means living with uncertainty—feeling your way through life, letting your heart guide you like a lantern in the dark.” — Dan Millman

We can turn down the volume on fear by being exposed to it a little each time. We don’t have to be at its mercy when it emerges. Sometimes we are consumed by the fear itself which clouds our judgement and is the root cause of our problems. Uncertainty is an inner knowing that everything will turn out exactly as it should, not as we hope for. We can still accept our life’s circumstances even if things don’t work out as planned. This strengthens our commitment to abide with the natural order of life, instead of opposing it simply because it doesn’t match our mental image. We ought to be comfortable with uncertainty because it exists and we mustn’t retreat from it but expose ourselves a little each time. It was the Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius who once declared: “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” The key is to find a balance between uncertainty and maintaining control without manipulating the outcome. I think this is a key distinction: welcoming uncertainty while maintaining some measure of control. We learn to let go of tension, anxiety and fear and embrace the unknown.

Uncertainty helps us to re-evaluate the past and make new choices in light of what transpires. It presents opportunities to create a compelling future based on new information. Often, the most ambitious plans emerge through the obscuring veil of uncertainty. Have you seen evidence of this in your life? For example, the chance encounter of a person who later becomes your significant other, or an unexpected disaster that turns out to be a blessing in disguise? These are examples of co-operating with the unseen forces of uncertainty in our lives. Therefore, we learn to welcome curiosity and excitement and slowly become more comfortable with it. Similarly, we ought to be mindful of our present actions as it relates to uncertainty. This means being mindful of our motives instead of being unconscious to them. Being intentional and purposeful allows us to plant the seeds of inspired change instead of fearing the unexpected. In doing so, we move toward the unfamiliar with a firm ambition to resolve the past.

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To Prepare Yourself For A Better Tomorrow, Do All You Can To Be Your Best Today

The Aggregation Of Small Habits Leads To Greatness

“Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later.” — Og Mandino

Do you realise your best is yet to come? How do you feel when you read that statement? Do you think: “My best is behind me”? But what if you don’t know what you’re capable of unless you continue to move forward towards your goals and dreams? Let me give you an example. When Michael Jordan failed making his high school basketball team, do you think his career was over? Perhaps he thought so at the time because not making the team might have seemed like the end of the road for him, but it wasn’t. It was the beginning of his career as one of the greatest basketballers of all time. Why? Jordan loved to play basketball and spent hours practicing and fine tuning his skills. The setbacks and defeats he experienced were part of the process to achieve greatness. They were inflection points in his career and why your best is yet to come, as long as you continue moving towards your goals. Warning: you must believe your best is still to come and keep taking the right course of action.

Your best will come from your habits, practice, growth, setbacks, victories and knowledge gained over the years. To prepare for a better tomorrow, we must commit to the tasks of today that lay the foundation for tomorrow. Nothing good can come of delaying that which we must attend to now. Whilst many of our daily tasks or habits can be tedious and time-consuming, with the right mindset they will transform our efforts into achievement. We must do our best whatever that looks like, knowing the aggregation of small habits leads to greatness. This is the essence of what motivational author and speaker Brendon Burchard refers to in High Performance Habits: How Extraordinary People Become That Way where he writes: “Being on your A game means that you are giving your best effort with full focus on the singular task at hand. To get it, you need to stoke the internal and external demands of necessity. Specifically, you assume the identity of a high performer and you set up situations that require full immersion.” How does this idea appeal to you? Is this something you’re prepared to invest in or are you already taking inspired action in your life? Whatever the case, investing in ourselves means committing to that which makes our hopes and dreams come alive.

Focus On Priorities That Make You Come Alive

“Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.” — Don Miguel Ruiz

We are the vessel upon which our tomorrow is created or conversely, one in which we will live with regret. Either way, regret is nothing more than ineffective action because we have squandered our time on things that don’t matter. To be your best today, requires bringing your whole self to every situation. What do I mean by whole self? I mean the entirety of your being, including your mind, body and spirit. The person who brings their whole self to their task is inspired by a greater purpose for their life. A person who brings their whole self to their undertakings unites with their deeper intent, so each action is purposefully guided and emanates from passion and direct intention. We are the habits of our yesterdays and the victors of our tomorrows. What we plant in our mind and sow into our hearts becomes the seeds of greatness tomorrow.

So what are you committed to? What actions are delivering you tangible results? We must be clear whether our labour compels us to move forward or keeps us stationary. Stagnancy is a misdirected purpose in the form of resistance because we are frightened by the success of tomorrow. Yet, this is the purpose of daily actions and habits: to sharpen the saw as the late Dr. Stephen Covey wrote in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It is the opportunity to refine, review and reward ourselves for actions we undertake that bring our hopes and dreams alive.

Nothing good can come of setting aside that which can be completed now because what we put off for tomorrow compounds and soon enough we face yet another fear. Our task is to minimise fear from our lives, so we can focus on our highest objectives through purposeful action. We ought to pursue things that make us come alive, not make us feel weary and uninspired. We must do away with commitments and obligations that hinder our progress or better still, delegate them to others so we can focus on that which makes us come alive. We must bring forth the song within our heart because this is the song that touches those whom associate with our work. So I ask you: what are you putting off today that may inhibit your tomorrow? Can you commit to the smallest task, even when you feel less inclined to? Without doubt, if we are inspired by some greater purpose, then the smaller tasks will fuel our actions because a better tomorrow is possible when we commit to be our best today.

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Why Learning To Trust Your Intuition Is The Key To Inspired Living

Intuition Is A Real Force

“Cease trying to work everything out with your minds. It will get you nowhere. Live by intuition and inspiration and let your whole life be Revelation.” — Eileen Caddy

Have you ever been compelled to do something on a particular occasion without knowing why? Do you ever get the impulse to call a friend and find out they need support at the time? If you sensed an inner voice prompting you that is your intuition. It is not a physical entity but a timeless force that is gentle and subtle which whispers and does not scream or plead with us. As we go about our day, our intuition speaks in subtle hints. To perceive it, we must keep a peaceful demeanour and thoughtfully listen to the voice within. Intuition is spontaneous. We can access intuition any time and often unexpectedly. We could be in the middle of a conversation with a co-worker and our intuition advises us they are burdened with a problem. This may prompt us to ask what is bothering them and open the door for a compassionate communication. Consider the words of spiritual author and my mentor Dennis Merritt Jones who writes in Your Redefining Moments: Becoming Who You Were Born to Be: “Accessing your intuitive guidance really does require you to enter the “wilderness” of that quiet place within you where no one else can follow. Your intuition is the very still voice arising from the authentic self.”

Intuition Is Associated More With Right Brain

“Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next.” — Jonas Salk

Intuition is a real energy that guides and directs us if we are attentive. We can become in tune to this guidance if we take the time to recognise it. With intuition there is no striving or feelings of urgency. If we are pressed, rushed or anxious, it is not the fault of intuition but rather our over active thoughts. It is believed the left side of the brain is responsible for analytical thought while the right brain is connected with imagination and creativity. Our intuition plays its role through the right brain, impressing images in the mind’s eye. Meditation and visualisation helps us tune in to our intuition and access the right side of the brain. Therefore, we ought to find time daily to be in silence to visualise and allow our intuition to show us impressions and listen as it speaks. How do you feel about this? I realise it is difficult to do during a working day, but carving out time whether first thing in the morning or last thing at night is a good practice to awaken your inner wisdom.

Whether we appreciate the outcomes of our intuition, it is always working for us. Similar to a language, the more we learn to understand its finer points the more we use it. We are a spiritual beings having a physical experience and intuition is always available to us. It is easy to forget the spiritual aspects of life and get caught up in the physical world. Go to work, come home, cook dinner, do the chores, etc. — it can become busy. Busyness diminishes the ability to perceive intuition. It is why we should take time each day to do nothing. Even 15 minutes is enough to retreat to a quiet place with no phone, no computer, no television, and no people. This time is devoted to our mental and emotional well-being. Use it to sit still and reconnect with yourself and observe the sound of nothingness. Move your attention away from your thoughts and to your body. Take a few deep breaths and relax. Let the worries and concerns melt away, since there is nowhere to go and nothing to do, other than to come home to yourself.

It makes sense to listen to our core self since our authentic self wants to connect with us. It never leaves our side, yet it is drowned out by the incessant thoughts dominated by the rational mind. All that is required is to notice our thoughts and be with them no matter how intense. Don’t judge them, just sit with them as you would a friend in need of attention. Similarly, being aware of your dreams can offer you clues about your waking life via: a feeling, an impulse or a key symbol. Do the images or symbols reappear throughout subsequent dreams? What messages do they contain about your waking life? Make the time you spend alone sacred because through this simple practice, you will begin to experience life differently. You may find yourself more relaxed and happy. You may experience your emotional wellbeing is enriched, the possibilities are endless if you take the time to honour the wisdom within. Intuition is ready to be a part of your life through inspired living. It will encourage you to grow emotionally, mentally, and physically because you are invested in the person who matters most. You may be led to a book that will revolutionise your business, a person who offers to mentor you, or a job opportunity you’ve dreamed of. Your intuition wants you to have a rewarding life but you must first collaborate and speak its language. Let today be the day you commit to taking more time to listen to your intuition. Allow it to influence your life in every way and it will be the gentle companion you come to call on more often.

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It Is When You Focus On Small Continuous Improvements That You Cultivate Your Greatness

Small Continuous Improvements

“Perfection is not attainable. But if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence.”—Vince Lombardi

The smallest step towards your goals can lead to your greatest breakthroughs. Yes, I realise you’ve heard this message before, however have you ever contemplated its significance? We all want to achieve our goals and highest aspirations, that’s why you’re reading this article. But few are willing to put in the work and hours to realise success. Only a few will sacrifice their time and energy for weeks, months and sometimes decades to achieve their vision. How about you? Where do you stand in the grand scheme of things? Have you been labouring away at a goal for a while? Have you experienced any breakthroughs or is it still a work in progress? Don’t despair if you haven’t achieved the success you desire; it doesn’t mean it’s not coming together.

Cultivating greatness involves attending to the smallest details that may show little results initially because they are foundations that lead to the realisation of our goals. Let’s face it, the smallest tasks can be laborious and tedious at the best of times. Mostly, they are tasks that must be attended to daily, yet many find excuses to skip over them because of the boredom involved. How do you feel about this? Are there tasks you dislike doing, yet know they must be done because they contribute to your goals? It is what author Robert Maurer refers to in One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way as looking for solutions in uncomfortable places: “When life gets scary and difficult, we tend to look for solutions in places where it is easy or at least familiar to do so, and not in the dark, uncomfortable places where real solutions might lie.”

Small continuous improvements lead to achievement because just like the compound effect, if we focus on real improvements and constant practice, the success we yearn for may be closer than we think. Now, let me clarify what I mean by success in this context. Success denotes achieving a desirable outcome related to a goal or effort and may not result in an intentional victory. It is what the Stanford Professor of psychology Carol Dweck refers to in her acclaimed book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success as a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset. I’m certain you’re familiar with the concept so I won’t go into much detail other than to say, when we have a Growth Mindset, our focus turns to continuous improvement and excellence. These are the building blocks to success as long as we assess and refine our practices to achieve our desired outcome. Similarly, undesirable outcomes may also be beneficial providing we learn from them. You no doubt know how the Post-It Note came to be invented? Through a series of accidents, Dr. Spencer Silver, a chemist at 3M was trying to invent a strong adhesive, but instead came up with a weak one which became the Post-It Note as we know it.

Be Purposeful And Clear In Your Intentions

“Continuous improvement requires systematic evaluation. Continuous improvement requires unfiltered evaluation.”—Anonymous

In a similar vein, the Japanese are well known for a method called the Kaizen approach which involves small, continuous and incremental improvements to achieve a desired outcome. It involves a process of iterations like many software companies and apps undergo today. If we improve at 1% a day, consider the result of that improvement over 12 months. Few people focus on small improvements because as alluded to earlier, it can be tedious, and it rarely delivers immediate results. This same process works in just about every area of our life, particularly our health and well-being. For example, when was the last time you set out to lose weight and became discouraged by the third or fourth week? Most people abandon their health campaign at this point preferring to find an easier way that delivers immediate results. But as you know, immediate results don’t translate to long term efficacy. Author Robert Maurer reminds us once more that the Kaizen principle is not something to be forgotten, but used often in our daily tasks: “Try to see Kaizen as a process that is never done. Don’t put it in a drawer, forgotten, once your goal has been reached. Kaizen invites us to see life as an opportunity for continuous improvement, for ever-higher standards and expanding potential.”

If we want to cultivate greatness, we must focus on activities that deliver results and sometimes these can be tedious tasks, which explains why many people abandon them. If we set out to pursue a goal, then gradual and continuous improvements is something we must take into account, even if we cannot see the signs of success early in the piece. The goal is much too important to leave to chance and so we must give it life by attending to the smallest tasks. Equally, we ought to focus on the personal growth that takes place within us while pursuing our goals. Success is of little value if we have worked hard to achieve it and are unfulfilled once attained. So be purposeful in your intentions towards your goals. If you work towards it with a concerted effort, success may be closer than you think.

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Why The Greatest Mistake Is To Believe We Are Powerless And Without A Choice

Cultivate Our Power Through Informed Choices

“When you do nothing you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better.”—Maya Angelou

Do you believe you have the power to influence your life? Or do you consider yourself dragged along by life’s forces? This is an important question because your beliefs will dictate how your life plays out. For instance, I was talking with a friend recently who mentioned how they’ve never made a conscious choice about the direction of their life. They were merely showing up every day hoping life plays out in their favour. What struck me about the conversation is that many people are convinced they are powerless to create their life circumstances, preferring to leave it to chance. That is, they have not learned how to consciously create ideal conditions for their life. Similarly, many consider life is separate to them and that irrespective of their choices, things don’t always work out as planned. I find this interesting because it highlights the power of our beliefs.

Our greatest mistake is to believe we are powerless and without choices. This may be attributed to the thought that life happens to us, instead of expressing itself through us. This is the message espoused by the transformational thinker and philosopher Alex Pattakos who writes in Prisoners of Our Thoughts: Viktor Frankl’s Principles for Discovering Meaning in Life and Work: “By viewing ourselves as relatively powerless and driven by instinct, the possibility that we can create, or at least co-create, our own reality becomes difficult to grasp. Instead, we often lock ourselves inside our own mental prisons. We lose sight of our own natural potential and that of others. In essence, we become prisoners of our thoughts.” Granted, in some respects we may be powerless and with little control over aspects of our lives such as our birth and death. Putting that aside, there’s a great deal we have control over and it is incumbent on us to cultivate this power through informed choices.

How do you feel about this? Do you believe your choices decide your future? Or are you inclined to believe that you never get what you wish for and there’s no use trying? Our beliefs create the canvas of our life because they influence our actions and whether we create life on our terms. Despite this, life is not a game of poker where we roll the dice and hope for the best. Sure, sometimes we have no control over our destiny such as the death of an individual through illness or tragic circumstances. For the large part and barring unforeseen events, we are never as powerless as we think. These are thoughts we have given life to and found evidence to support. But what if we challenge our beliefs and create new ways to perceive them? What if we upgraded our model of reality to coincide with the life we want to live?

Contemplate Our True Desires

“The deep root of failure in our lives is to think, ‘Oh how useless and powerless I am.’ It is essential to think strongly and forcefully, ‘I can do it,’ without boasting or fretting.”—Dalai Lama

One of my favourite past times is engaging in daydreaming. I daydream often and conjure up the most elaborate circumstances related to areas of my life. The power of daydreaming allows us to test the waters of our thoughts before they become a reality. Daydreaming is a whiteboard for the mind where we get to create anything we want to before it comes to life. Is this something you’ve tried before? Using your mind’s faculty to shape your future is one way to reclaim your power because it allows you to fine tune the image in your mind before it shows up in your reality. It is the alternative medicine advocate Deepak Chopra who once said: “Daydream, imagine, and reflect. It’s the source of infinite creativity.” Daydreaming allows us to compose our future in innumerable dimensions. It is a wonderful process that engages our emotions and draws on physiological responses in the body to what is held in the mind. Therefore, our body gives us clues on the truthfulness of our daydreams and whether they are something worth pursuing.

Even if you don’t daydream, to believe you are powerless and without choices is an error in thinking and something that must be attended to. If we are not living the life we envisaged, it may be related to self-doubt which is within our power to change. Let’s be real, not all of our choices will work out as we plan and that’s okay. Failure and setbacks may be life’s way of giving us signs whether our endeavours are aligned with our greater good. If we want to make optimal choices, it pays that we spend time quietly to contemplate our true desires. Life passes us by at the drop of a hat and if we are constantly reacting to outside events, we miss out on the vital clues pointing us to the life we dare to live. So make it your obligation to devote time to yourself and get to know your true desires and why they are important to you. Only then will you create a life you are destined to live.

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In The Final Analysis, All We Really Have Is Each Other

Stressed About Little Things That Really Don’t Matter

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”—Lao Tzu

It is not the size of our bank account, nor our status or achievements that matter in the end. What truly matters are our relationships and the lives we touch along the way. Material possessions are vehicles to help us fulfil our life’s purpose, they should not become our life story, since we are likely to be disappointed if we lose them or cease to identify with them. When everything is stripped away, all that is left is our connections with each other. It is our relationships that define how well we have lived. How does this idea appeal to you? Do you value the relationships in your life or take them for granted? We ought to be grateful for them because to assume they will always be there is the greatest folly we can make.

Last week, I lost a dear friend to a debilitating illness that plagued him for much of his life. I’ve known him since childhood and sadly he passed away at a very young age. The news of his death saddened me and I still cannot believe he’s gone. It’s odd because I find myself thinking about the simple things following his passing, like his phone number stored on my phone which I can’t bring myself to look at. I’m trying to make sense of his loss and appreciate how the wounds are still fresh. When I heard of his passing, the words in the title of the article instantly came to mind. Everything we aspire to have or become in life matters little in the final analysis because it’s rarely mentioned at our eulogy.

Knowing this, why do we pursue things of little significance? Why are we so stressed about things that matter little, especially when we won’t be remembered for them? For many, there’s a preoccupation chasing material objects, symbols and status when few will remember them for their achievements. Relationships are foundational because our connections define who we are. In the long run, it is who we become that highlights whether we’ve lived from the level of the soul or the ego. The ego always wants more and is never fulfilled. It constantly tries to satisfy its needs through the desire to be, do or have. The soul on the other hand doesn’t have these needs, all it asks is that we abide by its true nature and follow our heart. The soul’s obligation is vested in love, purity, joy and bliss; this is what makes the soul come alive. It is what the Jungian Analyst James Hollis, Ph.D. means when he writes in What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life: “We do not serve our children, our friends and partners, our society by living partial lives, and being secretly depressed and resentful. We serve the world by finding what feeds us, and, having been fed, then share our gift with others.”

Show Your Appreciation To Those You Love

“Those who love others grandly are those who love themselves grandly. Those who have a high toleration and acceptance of others are those who have a high toleration and acceptance of themselves. You cannot show another a part of you that you cannot show yourself.”—Neale Donald Walsch

Does this makes sense to you that there’s a better way to live instead of being controlled by your egoic needs? Are you willing to let go of what you think will make you happy in order to live from the level of the soul? I assure you living this way will bring you great joy beyond anything found in material objects. When we live this way we are awakened to the truth of our existence. Soulful living nourishes our whole self: the mind, body and spirit and is the pathway to a rich and bountiful life. In contrast, chasing things and status satisfies only the mind and body temporarily and does little to nurture our soul. I must be clear and state this doesn’t mean we mustn’t gain material things that we enjoy. What I’m talking about is chasing material objects believing they are the only source of our happiness. Material items offer us temporary satisfaction until the next thing comes along. In contrast, friendships, family and true connections keep on giving. The value of human connections is something money cannot buy and what really matters are those who will remember us for the times we spent together.

Let’s not take our relationships for granted. We mustn’t think they will always be there since life can change in the blink of an eye. Tell those you love how much they mean to you. Do it randomly with no expectations because it is the feelings that arise within you that mean the most. Show your appreciation to those you love and cherish how they enrich your life. Let’s be honest, not all relationships are a bed of roses and that’s okay because the contrasting states we experience compels us to learn more about ourselves than if the relationship were smooth sailing. Relationship challenges shine a light on our disowned selves. So make it your mission to express love and appreciation often. For there may come a time when you wish you could have told them how much you loved them. It may be too late by then if you don’t value the relationship while they’re still present.

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If You Want To Live Without Fear, Trust That Every Outcome In Life Is Perfect

Life Is A Process, Not An Event

“I’ve come to trust not that events will always unfold exactly as I want, but that I will be fine either way. The challenges we face in life are always lessons that serve our soul’s growth.”—Marianne Williamson

I don’t know a single person who doesn’t have any fears, do you? Knowing this, it begs asking: What are your predominant fears? Are you aware of them? In order to live without fear, we must trust whatever outcome arises in life is perfectly orchestrated for our highest good. I’m reminded of a delightful tale by the late spiritual teacher and psychotherapist Anthony de Mello who explains that while fear protects us, it also keeps us trapped and insecure: “How shall I rid myself of fear?” “How can you rid yourself of what you cling to?” “You mean I actually cling to my fears? I disagree.” “Consider what your fear protects you from and you will agree! And you will see your folly.”

Most people’s fears relate to: financial matters, safety and security, relationships or career. It is natural to entertain these fears, though when they impose on our way of life, we are at the mercy of succumbing to them. This is when we stop living because we are being dictated by our fears. Allow me to explain what I mean, since it may be misunderstood. Everything that happens to us has a larger purpose in our life. I am not invoking God, nor religion but suggesting a greater plan is in order which may not be apparent at the time of the event. If we look back on our life, we would notice that every event comes together to create the rich tapestry of our life’s narrative. Because life is being experienced by us, it may feel as though our challenges are permanent. However, we’re not seeing the entire picture unfold because we’re absorbed in the drama and miss the opportunity to see how it can lead to something greater.

Are you comfortable with this so far? I hope so, because it’s worth acknowledging that life is a process, not an event. Now, sometimes horrific accidents occur where people lose loved ones and we might ask how this is a perfect outcome. That is, how is the loss of someone to illness, especially a young child considered a perfect outcome? These are reasonable questions that have plagued mankind for centuries. I don’t know why these events occur and why some people survive and others don’t. This dilemma has perplexed philosophers for ages and it’s widely debated whether there’s an all-powerful and all seeing source presiding over our lives. For now, let’s consider outcomes not as catastrophic, such as being passed over for a job promotion or your beloved no longer wanting to marry you. In these instances, there may be more that develops to unravel the story. Namely, something good can arise out of a seemingly undesirable situation if we are attentive and not consider the worst scenario.

I’ve witnessed this in my life and those I’ve coached over the years. Unfortunate or unforeseen events may turn out to be a wonderful blessing if we are patient and wait for the picture to unravel. For example, I recall working with a client whose fiancée decided to call off their wedding at the last minute after dating for years. The experience was heartbreaking since he never expected it, especially from his betrothed. After he recovered from the tragedy, he moved abroad for work where he enjoyed a wonderful time in his new surroundings. He met a beautiful woman and dated for a while before proposing to her and married soon after. He later mentioned to me that his previous breakup turned out to be the best thing to happen because it forced him to move to a foreign country and meet what he described as the love of his life. Had he been caught up in a destructive pattern of self-pity, he would have never taken the chance and met his wife.

How about you, have you had similar experiences in your own life? Whilst it may not be relationship related, think about those experiences where it seemed hopeless, yet as time passed, it turned out to be the best thing to happen. To live without fear we ought to trust that every outcome serves a greater purpose in our life. Sometimes the answer may not come immediately because it involves going on a journey to discover it. It is why I am drawn to the message by the Toltec author Don Miguel Ruiz who writes in The Three Questions: How to Discover and Master the Power Within You how our irrational fears have a way of shaping our reality if we succumb to them: “Fear has had a big effect on the way we learned to view the world. Physical fear is natural and essential to our survival, but it’s important to remember that irrational fear is not. It is irrational to be afraid of what doesn’t exist. In fact, it can cause actual harm. And yet we’ve learned to let irrational fear shape our reality. We’ve learned to react emotionally in ways that other people do and to fear what we only imagine.”

Whilst it is difficult to silence our fears, we can do the next best thing as author Susan Jeffers explains in her popular book: Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway. Embrace our fears and take action knowing whatever outcome transpires, it is perfectly arranged for our greater good. We acknowledge whatever unfolds, we will be okay because we have survived every experience up till now. Perhaps life isn’t so much about abandoning our fears but learning to embrace them in order to live boldly. It is like living with anxiety: one never completely overcomes it but learns to turn down the volume. So, if we consider what our fears are protecting us from, as Anthony de Mello’s tale suggests, we realise our thoughts are the cause of our problems, not the events themselves. And this is within our power to revoke.

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Why Your Most Important Lessons Will Come From The Hardest Times In Your Life

Important Lessons Arise From Difficult Times

“Every adversity, every failure, and every heartache, carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.”—Napoleon Hill

Do you believe life is meant to be difficult or that tough times come to teach us valuable lessons? Think carefully about your answer because this will reveal whether your pain and suffering can become a doorway into self-discovery. We seldom gain fulfilment when we operate within our comfort zone since our biggest accomplishments come when we explore new horizons.

We humans are creatures of comfort and will do anything to maintain balance in our lives because being safe is fundamental to our survival. That which imposes on our safety and well-being is a threat and can cause worry, anxiety and tension. It is why people choose to stay in their comfort zones because who wants to experience these negative emotional states? Yet, there are those such as the Navy Seals or SAS Commandos who do exactly that; they put themselves in uncompromising situations to become accustomed to the harsh conditions of warfare. Closer to home, our lives are not as disruptive as the war zones these elite soldiers operate in. We still experience anxiety in everyday situations whether at work, driving our car or in our relationships. Have you experienced this in your own life where the smallest event will cause emotional discontent? These things happen due to being overstimulated via external stressors. Every person interprets stress differently and some internalise it in various ways.

When hardship occurs, it may feel like an avalanche hurtling towards us. However, our most important lessons arise from difficult times because they teach us the depths of our strength. It’s what the American Tibetan Buddhist Pema Chodron means when she writes in When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times of the need to accept our problems because there is great strength and healing contained within these experiences: “Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

We Can Control How We Respond To Difficult Moments

“The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.”—Chinese Proverb

I recall the most difficult period in my life occurred in the aftermath of losing my father to illness in my twenties. In the months and years that followed, I experienced despair because I didn’t know how to deal with the grief that consumed me. I wanted to run from it due to its intensity. However, I learned to process the grief a little at a time and gradually my pain and suffering eased. There were times where I thought it was the last of the grief, then around the corner I was met with more anguish. It felt like I was starting back at square one again. Confronting despairing emotions like grief is akin to being in battle: you face the enemy when you are strong, yet it is important to retreat afterward, since the next wave of emotions will come in when least expected.

Have you experienced tragedies in your life whether it be the loss of a loved one or something else personal? How did you deal with it? For those I’ve coached over the years, many of them run away from or defer their pain for a later period. Yet, putting off dealing with intense emotions is unwise because they have a way of coming back as a giant avalanche. Difficult moments teach us to appreciate what really matters, irrespective of why they happen or the meaning contained within the experience. We come to realise the fragility of life and what is important to us when we experience anguish and despair. In the wake of my father’s loss, I realised my family, healing and self-compassion were important components and I sought to surround myself with them. Whilst we cannot control what happens to us, we can control how we respond to difficult moments instead of remain mired in our problems.

During our greatest hardships, we might think we cannot cope with the wave of grief and despair that takes place. The key is to take each day as it comes and not look far into the future. This is where we learn to let go of expectations, and trust we will overcome our pain. I maintain that life is an interplay of dualities mixed in a sea of contrast. We can be sailing along experiencing joy and happiness one moment, no sooner than experience hardship and challenges the next. Unexpectedly, we find ourselves in the grips of despair wondering whether we were hit by a double-decker bus. This scenario is real for many people and whilst they may suffer, they eventually realise it is no way to live and slowly find their way back. It may be a long road back, yet building a home in the darkness is not what life had intended for us.

Yes, we have choices, though I believe ours is to experience contrasting states which contribute to the lessons we will learn. It is not the events themselves that break us since we are given the wisdom to overcome almost anything because as the French philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once declared: “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” This is proof that whatever happens to us, we will cope because we are infinite souls journeying through life having a human experience.

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