Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 25

Don’t Skip Over Chapters Of Your Life When It’s Painful, Since It’s All Part Of Your Life’s Story

Resisting Life Is Futile

“You don’t just have a story – you’re a story in the making, and you never know what the next chapter’s going to be. That’s what makes it exciting.”—Dan Millman

Avoiding painful moments in life can cause suffering later when the pain resurfaces. I realise it’s difficult to face pain, especially when it arises unexpectedly. However, to avoid dealing with it means it is likely to come back at a greater intensity. Is this something you can relate to? Have you put off dealing with painful experiences and have them resurface later on? Perhaps it was a relationship breakup or the death of a loved one? Irrespective of the situation, many of us stow away the pain because we don’t want to deal with it. Let’s be real: pain and suffering is not pleasant.

Yet, life is not what is depicted on social media either where people flaunt a snapshot of their best selves, only to go back to their lifeless existence. Life is an interplay of wonderful moments, interspersed with periods of pain and sometimes suffering. The degree to which we suffer lies in our capacity to accept the conditions before us. Pain and suffering arises when our experience is not what we had in mind. We resist what takes place and expect circumstances to be different and so the ego rears its ugly head. As you know, resisting life is futile because reality trumps our expectations. Is this something you’re willing to embrace and integrate into your life? I assure you, accepting difficult moments will appease your suffering and help you move through the pain quicker.

It is worth clarifying that accepting your circumstances doesn’t mean you must enjoy it, quite the opposite. It would be remiss of me to offer this advice. What I am saying is: there’s no point resisting pain and suffering because it creates more pain and suffering. We can butt heads with reality hoping things are different or accept what is taking place and allow it to move through us. As we do, we discover valuable lessons in our experience. I realise this is not as pretty as it sounds because who wants to experience painful moments after all? Yet, if we continually skim over them, it is like skipping past chapters in a book and reaching the end, claiming not to have enjoyed what we read. Skimming over chapters of our life because it doesn’t feel good means deferring important lessons that should help us grow and evolve.

Every Experience Is Part Of Our Life’s Narrative

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth… not going all the way, and not starting.”—Buddha

I’m yet to meet anyone who has thrived in idyllic conditions. Have you? What I mean to say is: we gain growth and insights into ourselves through our hardships. While they are not pleasant, once the dust has settled, and the experience has passed, we can see how the storm helps us to evolve. I am drawn to author and psychotherapist David Richo who explains in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them that trusting our feelings and ourselves means dealing with whatever takes place without fearing the worst: “No feeling is inherently negative or inappropriate even if it seems unjustified. What is negative is repressing a feeling or being possessed by one. Some feelings are painful, but they become less painful as we allow them to move through us and as we no longer fear them… Most of us have not tried just sitting in and through a feeling experience. We have not trusted ourselves enough to let our feelings take their full course. So we never find out that a feeling is not so tough on us as we imagine it will be. We miss out on how much better we feel when we let go instead of hold back. Nothing is so hard to handle as the fear of facing it.”

My greatest realisation over the years is that life is cyclical and nothing lasts forever. This is important because if we skip over painful times, we forgo seeing the entirety of our life story unfold. This is not a way to live because it shows in how we respond to life. We become that person with a remote control who fast forwards to the next scene of a film. As a result, we miss out on vital clues that tie the story together; so it is of our life. Skimming past the dark and painful periods means we are no better than the social media accounts who promote a Utopian existence. They are allowing us to see only part of their story, not the whole. We want to know who they are when they are: vulnerable, angry or sad. I realise such images don’t make for a pretty picture to post online, but we can’t fool others.

Is this making sense? Because living wholeheartedly means to embrace the dark moments while savouring the pleasant ones. It is possible to experience both and still be kind-hearted. In fact, some of the kindest and compassionate souls I’ve ever met are those who’ve experienced great pain and suffering and remain humble and kindred spirits. We mustn’t allow unpleasant moments to scar us but use the wounds to heal ourselves and the world. In doing so, we appreciate that every experience is only a part of our life’s narrative and we wouldn’t want it any other way.

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Don’t Go Through Life Quitting. Anything Substantial Requires Seeing It Through To The End

Life Doesn’t Have A Timeline For Us

“The moment you’re about to quit is the moment right before the miracle happens. Don’t give up.”—Anonymous

Quitting is easy though we rarely achieve anything when we abandon our goals. Knowing that, take a moment to reflect on something you’re contemplating giving up on right now. It may be career related, health or otherwise. Why do you want to give up? Is it the only way? Have you considered other options? Once you’ve had a moment to reflect on it, think about why you undertook the goal in the first place. It might be that having a passion or purpose makes it harder to quit because of the emotional investment required to achieve it. Sometimes, we undertake goals we don’t resonate with but fill a void in our life. Pursuing a goal or a dream ought to provide us with a sense of value and meaning in our lives, otherwise we’re less likely to see it through. Does this make sense, insofar as being committed to the goal instead of wishing for something better to come along?

To go through life quitting weakens our character and erodes our self-esteem since we become habituated to taking the easy way out. As you know, life is not meant to be a bed of roses, nor is it riddled with pain and suffering. When we make choices aligned with our core values and highest intent, we are likely to pursue actions aligned with them. Sometimes, chasing after a goal or dream means toiling away in the trenches, for months, if not years with no respite. Occasionally, it requires walking away from situations that no longer serve us or our core purpose. This is difficult because there are no assurances we’re making the right choice. The one measure we have is whether it feels right. Our emotions become our barometer if we’re in it for the right reasons.

To achieve anything substantial requires hard work, determination and a resolute will to overcome the obstacles and challenges that lay ahead. It requires facing our demons and wrestling with them repeatedly. It involves revisiting the past and dredging up baggage we thought we once healed. I don’t believe life has a timeline for us because sometimes we must gain knowledge, wisdom and understanding which cannot be rushed. Just as a flower blooms at the right time, so do the fruits of our labour when the conditions are right. To quit means to throw away the time and energy invested pursuing a goal. What I’m saying is: We mustn’t allow difficult moments to define whether we will achieve our goals and dreams. This is the advice echoed by the American psychologist and author Angela Duckworth who writes in her bestselling book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance: “Many of us, it seems, quit what we start far too early and far too often. Even more than the effort a gritty person puts in on a single day, what matters is that they wake up the next day, and the next, ready to get on that treadmill and keep going.”

Nothing Substantial Comes Easily

“One of the most common causes of failure is the habit of quitting when one is overtaken by temporary defeat.”—Napoleon Hill

Invariably, we will face difficult moments and make tough decisions anyway, so we might as well be doing it pursuing our passions and aspirations. How does this idea appeal to you? Can you see how sticking with something long term can be a great benefit to you? It’s worth rendering a caveat here that sometimes we ought to quit when things are not working out. I don’t intend the advice in this article to mean you mustn’t ever give up. The message is simple: if you are passionate about something and you want it, find a way to get it and let go of why you can’t have it.

In this wicked world of illusion, sometimes miracles can happen overnight. Life works in mysterious ways and when least expected. Circumstances can fall into place only if we labour and toil away at our respective goal. Nothing substantial comes easily and if it does, it is likely to slip from our hands just as quickly. For example, if you’re in a relationship that has run its course, your only option may be to walk away from it, but what about investing the time and energy to work it out? Might it be in your best interest to keep trying before you quit? I don’t have the answers and neither will you until you embark on the hard work which can be tiresome and plain ugly. The hard work is not cut out for everyone and this is why many people quit ahead of time. Decide on what you want for your life and create the structure and foundation for it to rest on. Do everything in your power to complete the task, the goal or dream and then if you want to give up, at least you will have a compelling reason to do so.

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Even Though Your Wounds Are Not Your Fault, Your Healing Is Still Your Responsibility

“Within ourselves, there are voices that provide us with all the answers that we need to heal our deepest wounds, to transcend our limitations, to overcome our obstacles or challenges, and to see where our soul is longing to go.”—Debbie Ford

Pain is inevitable throughout life although to carry it unnecessarily fuels suffering. Even though our wounds are not our fault, our healing remains within our control. You’re no doubt reading this since you identified with the title, perhaps your own wounds or someone close to you has been hurt? Healing is a difficult and yet liberating journey of self-discovery. Forgiveness teaches us self-resiliency and self-reliance. It awakens us to a greater love and peace that resides within us.

It is why I am drawn to the words of the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle who wrote on his Instagram account recently: “If you cannot accept what is outside, then accept what is inside. If you cannot accept the external condition, accept the internal condition. This means: Do not resist the pain. Allow it to be there. Surrender to the grief, despair, fear, loneliness, or whatever form the suffering takes. Witness it without labelling it mentally. Embrace it. Then see how the miracle of surrender transmutes deep suffering into deep peace. This is your crucifixion. Let it become your resurrection and ascension.” Tolle reminds us not to resist our pain but surrender to it in order to transform our suffering. I realise this advice goes against what people want to hear. I equate it to running towards a lion instead of fleeing for your life. Nevertheless, by facing our fears we allow pain to move through us and realise pain is not who we really are; it is an emotional state we have held on to and kept alive.

Beyond our pain lies an ever expansive love which at its essence is our true nature. Even though our wounds may not be our fault, our healing remains our responsibility. To heal means to accept what happened to us and discover our true selves through the healing process. Let me be very clear: acceptance does not mean we like what took place. It simply means to acknowledge the events and work towards healing ourselves of the pain associated with it. People might say: “I wish the event never occurred because I wouldn’t have to deal with the anguish, let alone the long road to recovery.” Whilst that may be true, if we believe everything happens for a reason, what if our pain is there to teach us self-compassion and forgiveness? Perhaps the lesson is not so much about the transgression that took place but how we love and nurture ourselves when we are wounded. How do you feel about this? I know it may be difficult to accept especially if your wounds are fresh. Let it sit for a while and try to see your situation through the lens of love and healing.

Dr. Mario Martinez, a clinical neuropsychologist, writes in The Mindbody Code: How To Change The Beliefs That Limit Your Health, Longevity, And Success that “When you’re wounded, especially by significant people in your life, your empowerment is challenged, and your worthiness is called into question. The vulnerability your loss of empowerment creates within you allows the wound to damage your worthiness.” To reclaim our empowerment and worthiness once more, we must cross the threshold of pain and let go of our hurt and anguish. It’s essential you understand, I am not inviting you to forget, but to forgive yourself for being caught up what took place. Through the healing process, we restore any sense of shame, guilt and anger we inherited as a result of our wounds. Dr. Martinez further explains, instead of trying to forgive the perpetrator or minimise the events of the past, we should focus on re-establishing our sense of self which is more important: “Rather than forgiving the perpetrator or minimizing the intensity of the misdeed, you recover the empowerment and self-worthiness you thought had been taken from you.”

What are your thoughts by now? Are you willing to take ownership of the past in the way you process it? There is rarely ever a right way to heal our wounds. Though, it requires courage to appreciate that our emotional wounds are not permanent and exist to awaken us to the loving presence within us. This presence can never be taken away or deprived through physical or nonphysical acts because at its essence, this is the foundation of who we are. As a result, we lean into this oneness of love, knowing like a net which supports a trapeze artist should they fall, we will be guided through our healing journey. Our priority is to nurture ourselves foremost through the eyes of kindness and compassion however painful our wounds may be. After all, the love within us is far greater than our wounds because it is the greatest purifier and healer there is.

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Why The Credit Always Belongs To The Man In The Arena Who Dares Greatly

The Man Who Strives Valiantly

“The willingness to show up changes us, it makes us a little braver each time.”—Brené Brown

Sadly, critics are everywhere these days and hide behind their uncertainties wishing they were in the limelight. They are not only people, but the inner critic within us. Sometimes, the critic appears masquerading as a family member, a loved one or a close friend. A snarky remark here and there leaves you bewildered as to their intended message. Can you identify with this narrative of the unassuming critic?

Critics come with the territory of leadership, particularly when a person advances in their career or personal life. As my mentor often reminds me: “The higher the monkey climbs the tree, the more of his butt you’ll see.” Meaning, the higher the ladder of success is climbed, the more exposed you are to being judged, however that should not deter you from reaching for success. Critics are frustrated people whose time is yet to come. Let me be clear, I am not talking about those whose job it is to write about theatre plays. I am referring to those who sit on the sidelines not willing to enter the arena.

I’m reminded of an inspiring passage from a speech delivered in Paris in 1910 by the 26th President of the United States of America, Theodore Roosevelt. Titled The Man In The Arena, the short excerpt underlines how critics have little place judging those daring greatly: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Greatness Is A Meal Not Savoured By All Men

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.”—Robert Kennedy

This is not a story about critics but something more. It is about acknowledging the person who dares greatly. Those vulnerable willing to scale new heights and put their reputation on the line. This is an ode to the individual who enters the arena and though they may stumble and fall, they know there is no greater service than to follow their passion and purpose. The credit belongs to those who risk defeat, humiliation and yet are purposeful in their conviction towards success. Whilst they may encounter setbacks, their cause is greater than the critics who looks down on them with disdain. Have you received unwarranted criticism in your life? How did you respond and did it affect you? Sometimes, those we expect to be our chariot of hope will let us down, however this mustn’t deter us from achieving excellence.

Greatness is a meal not savoured by all men because some do not have the hunger for it, even if it were served on a silver platter. Greatness stems from working diligently and tenaciously towards our dreams, our goals and highest aspirations. It is the victor who enjoys the spoils not the critic who laments from afar. This is the message echoed by the great American essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson who wrote in We Are the Builders of Our Fortunes: Success through Self-Reliance: “What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”

Daring greatly arises from a firm resolve and a resolute will. It is why critics abound because not all men are equipped with these virtues. The critic wishes from afar while the champion wrestles with greater powers. The battle is not for everyone and why it requires somebody with a heart forged of steel—a daring hero advancing forward even when things appear grim. I believe there are two types of people in the world: the champions and the critics. Which of these protagonists do you identify with? I trust by reading this article you associate with the former and are intrigued by awakening your greatest power? Perhaps it lays dormant or you have yet to rouse its potential, nevertheless I assure you it is there. Don’t wait another minute to step into your greatness otherwise you risk becoming a fallen comrade, a critic who wonders why success eluded them. Critics are everywhere voicing their disapproval while the champion is committed to progress and achievement. This is an affront to the critic who wishes they were in the arena daring greatly.

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Why The Obstacle Before You Is Never Bigger Than Your Power To Overcome It

Lean In To Your Difficulties

“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”—Marcus Aurelius

The reason you fear obstacles is that you doubt your ability to overcome them. Obstacles are seldom the problem, it is our lack of power to conquer them that gets in the way. For example, have you faced a difficult situation in the past and worried you would not make it through? Recall the circumstances and how you felt as best you can. Now fast forward months from when it occurred and call to mind the same situation from a renewed perspective. Can you see how insignificant it seems from your current outlook? That is, we feel incapable of overcoming challenges instead of believing we will be ok. Perhaps it’s the element of surprise or the fear we are powerless to face the problem that scares us most.

It is what author and psychotherapist David Richo refers to in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them when he says: “We worry because we do not trust ourselves to handle what happens to us. We worry because we do not trust that the way the chips fall will work out for the best. We worry because we have not yet said yes.” Therein lies the issue: acknowledging the obstacle instead of wanting it to disappear. I’m not talking about unexpected events such as a speeding ticket or your romantic interest not returning a text message. Whilst I acknowledge this may cause distress for some people, I’m talking about larger issues that call on our deepest inner strength. Saying yes to what transpires means leaning in to your difficulties even though it may look untenable on the face of it. However, if approached with an open mind, we will overcome it and gain valuable insights.

No Other Choice Than To Be Courageous

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”—Dale Carnegie

Your inherent power is one of resiliency, determination and courage. Do you believe this power is available to you? Sometimes, we won’t know the depths of our power until we are tested. I have faced many challenges throughout my life including the death of a parent and coming to terms with a life-threatening illness. I didn’t realise I had the power to overcome those experiences until I had to. In the years that followed, I not only developed a greater strength of will, but the experiences softened me and I developed a humility towards life. I came to appreciate this entity called life is much greater than me. I came to look upon it with reverence and acknowledge that whilst I’m a small cog in the process called life, it functions perfectly irrespective of my thoughts.

Not everyone shares my outlook and that’s fine. I wouldn’t want to impress my views upon others because they are uniquely mine. I’ve met many people over the years who endured similar experiences and each person formed their own meaning of the events. Can you reflect on events in your own life that changed your outlook? Was the change for the better or were you angry with others, perhaps with life? It’s hard to know how we will react in difficult moments. Sometimes there’s no other choice than to face our hardships and step into battle with fierce determination and courage. For instance, if your loved one wants a divorce, you can wallow in self-pity and claim not to have seen the writing on the wall. You might experience sadness for months or brave through it as this is happening to you and see where it leads, not because you want to but because there is no other choice; sometimes there is no other choice than to be courageous.

Therein lies the key message of this article: when there’s no other choice than to be strong, life calls us to exert our greatest strength because what we’re experiencing may be bigger than we realise. When we don’t have a choice other than to step into the fire, what awaits us on the other side is a journey of self-discovery, knowing we are more resilient and courageous than we imagined. It is what author Alex Pattakos refers to in Prisoners of Our Thoughts: Viktor Frankl’s Principles for Discovering Meaning in Life and Work where he writes: “Courage is not the absence of fear but the awareness there is something more important.” I’m reminded of those who lose their homes in a fire or their life savings to scrupulous insurance companies who undermine their trust or those whose family members betray them. These things happen to good people everyday and many of them have no other choice than to face their challenges. By leaning in to them, we develop the capacity to yield to the forces that oppose us. We learn the obstacle is never bigger than our power to overcome it. It is our willingness to move towards it with faith and determination, trusting the experience itself, which will activate our inherent power.

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Speak Your Truth When It Scares You Because It Is The One True Measure Of Your Authenticity

“When you show up authentic, you create the space for others to do the same. Walk in your truth.”—Anonymous

Why bother speaking the truth in a world full of fake news? Because truth is the only measure of our authenticity expressed through our soul. To deny expressing it means hiding our authentic self behind a veil of falsehoods. Reflect on the times when you spoke your truth even if it hurt those you love. How did you feel? Did you notice a weight lifted off your shoulder, especially if you held back communicating something of importance? I have been in this situation many times where I thought speaking my truth would fall on deaf ears. I believed they would not receive it in the way I intended and so I held back.

Sometimes people are not ready to hear the truth and, although they listen, they’re only hearing what they want to hear. Do you get this impression? It can be difficult because your truth and my truth differs, and this causes conflict between two people, even amongst family members. I often laugh when someone begins a sentence by saying: “Do you want to know the truth?” What I’m really hearing is: “I’m about to tell you something which you’ll disagree with but here it is anyway.” The truth is subjective to our life’s experience, beliefs, values and opinions. It is why I am drawn to the passage by the author of Toltec wisdom Don Miguel Ruiz who writes in The Three Questions: How to Discover and Master the Power Within You of the enduring nature of the truth in our lives: “Life is truth, and it doesn’t need to be understood. Truth doesn’t need proof, or even faith, to survive. And it doesn’t need our stories. Truth existed before stories before humanity; and truth will continue after all the storytellers are gone. We don’t need a thought or a theory to show us the truth. Truth can be felt in our loving and in our enduring passion to live.”

We mustn’t withhold speaking our truth for fear it will upset others. If the truth is spoken from the heart and not the egoic mind, hopefully the other person will consider it with an open mind and heart. In an age of fake news, the truth is more important than ever. More people need to speak their truth from the heart for that is how we practice authentic communication. The heart is the seat of the soul and if aligned with our highest intent, it becomes a measure of connecting through a soulful presence. Is this something you’re willing to practice? Even though your voice will tremble when you speak the truth, it will be worth it coming from the heart. I have experienced holding back speaking my truth in front of audiences due to limiting thoughts: “How will people receive what I have to say?” “What if I disappoint them?” Nevertheless, I’ve come to appreciate how others receive me is not within my control. I can only communicate from my heart and remove any sense of fear, anger or hate and allow my words to come forth with love.

Our truth is the language of the soul and carries strength in its meaning and significance. I’m reminded of the biblical phrase: “The truth will set you free” which underscores how withholding our truth can destroy us. Communicating from the heart will lead to our greatest salvation and the freedom that accompanies it. As you read this, reflect on a situation now calling you to speak from the heart yet you may be afraid to do so. I trust by the end of the article you will have gained a sense of what action you need to take. I hope you choose your words wisely and listen to the whisper of your heart speaking in the song of love, not anger, nor hate or fear.

If we communicate through weakening emotions, we must turn our attention to ourselves to see where we are at war with. What part of us is calling to be nurtured? Because that is the part we most need to love. In doing so, the words we bring forth will arise from a place of spirited love and we needn’t worry whether speaking our truth will offend others. For when two people come together in this spirit of love, the language communicated is easily understood by their hearts without an agenda.

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You Don’t Always Need To Have It All Figured Out. Give It Time To Unfold

Worry Is Directly Related To Control

“Nothing is completely wrong; even a broken clock is right twice a day.”—Paulo Coelho

Throughout the ages wisemen, saints, and sages have said: “The answers we are looking for will arrive at the right time and not a moment sooner.” Do you believe this is true? I don’t know about you, but there are times — when I am enmeshed in the crisis of the moment — I want the answer and I want it NOW — especially when the crocodiles are nipping at my heels. If you can relate, read on!

The process of life is a self-sustaining system that functions within the framework of order and chaos. What we observe as chaos, is part of universal order just as the big bang created the cosmos. To highlight this idea, think of a situation in which you tried to control the outcome which turned against what you were hoping for? The point worth emphasising is, when you try to force something it never works out as planned, right? There are many schools of thought why this is so, depending on whom you speak to. Some say the universe comprises the language of mathematics while spiritual believers say the universe contains universal laws we must abide by. Irrespective of which school of thought you subscribe to, the common theme is: life knows what it’s doing irrespective of whether we try to force or control it. Actually, wishing life to be a certain way is like trying to push a boulder up a hill: it is futile because of the weight of the rock. However, if you push the boulder downhill, it is easier given you are working with the laws of gravity.

I’m drawn to the message by psychotherapist and author David Richo who explains in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them how worrying about outcomes holds us back from achieving inner peace: “We do not let go of control; we let go of the belief that we have control. The rest is grace. The givens of life are the tools the universe provides for that lesson. Worry is directly related to control. It seems that we worry about the future, finances, relationships, jobs, and all the other unpredictables in our lives. Actually, there is only one worry: that of not being in full control of what will happen.”

We don’t always need to have it all figured out since the answers are not there for us to see sometimes. What I mean is, life can be compared to a giant jigsaw puzzle working behind-the-scenes in such a way so the big picture comes together of its own time. Often what we experience is based on first impressions and is a missing piece of the puzzle still moving into place. Being impatient creatures, we often jump to conclusions too early. Where in actual fact, the process is still unfolding and will come together if we suspend our judgement of what is taking place.

Reality Will Triumph Each Time

“You don’t get explanations in real life. You just get moments that are absolutely, utterly, inexplicably odd.”—Neil Gaiman

Considering this, do you recall a recent experience that looked unpleasant initially, yet turned out to be a blessing in disguise? I remember an experience many years ago where I was constantly receiving traffic infringements for speeding. Whilst it caused distress, I realised I was always in a hurry to get from one point to another because of the hectic schedule I was keeping. I call it a wakeup call from the universe, inviting me to slow down instead of risk being involved in a motor vehicle accident and cause harm to myself and others. Whilst this incident happened long ago, I now appreciate the lesson and have learned to slow down to the speed of life. I may not have gained the lesson had I not been given several speeding infringements.

Similarly, what areas of your life are you resisting? What are you trying to control? Could there be another way? What lessons are contained within the experiences and are you willing to notice them? Whichever way you look at it, there is good news and bad news having it all figured out. The good news is: there is nothing to figure out because there will always be something to fill its place and you may chase your tail trying to control reality. The bad news is, trying to control reality is a game you will seldom win because as author Byron Katie says in Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life: “I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.”

Opposing life is a contest we’re bound to lose since reality will triumph each time. This doesn’t mean we must surrender, but learn to co-create with the forces of life. As the adage goes: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Working with the forces of life helps us realise, it is pointless trying to have it all figured out because everything has a way of developing as it should irrespective of our timeline. Moreover, we learn to let go of frustration, resistance and displeasure that life is working against us, when in fact life really doesn’t care because it is doing its job regardless and it’s just easier if we cooperate instead of oppose it. Either way the choices up to us, so choose consciously and wisely.

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We All Encounter Setbacks In Life, Yet We Mustn’t Allow Ourselves To Ever Be Defeated

We Mustn’t Give Up Hope Of A Better Future

“But man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated.”—Ernest Hemingway

If you let your defeats conquer you, they will penetrate your psyche and erode your character. Setbacks are unavoidable in this journey called life and none of us are immune to them. If you are reading this now, you no doubt live in the Western world and have access to technology which makes you more privileged than millions of others living in poverty. I mention this because life in the Western world comes with its privileges and its downsides.

Defeat is sewn into the fabric of our existence and it accompanies us our entire life whether it be our: health, relationships, career or financial. Every one of us has a story where defeat gained a foothold into our minds. Some people recoil from the pain while others rise to the challenge and overcome their barriers to defeat. Can you identify with this narrative? Have there been moments in your life when you experienced setbacks and thought you wouldn’t bounce back, yet you did? We are all tested in some form or another, some more than others and whilst it may not be fair, this doesn’t mean life is unjust. Those who overcome defeat learn quickly that to judge life based on fairness does not award them any more power than the next person.

Unfortunate things happen to good people and one need only turn on the news to see the situation in Greece with the fires and the earthquake in Indonesia where the death toll continues to rise into the hundreds. Challenges are everywhere, but we mustn’t give up hope of a better future. We mustn’t believe we are powerless in the face of our defeats. Sometimes it may feel life imposes itself upon us in a cruel and unjust way. We may want to retreat until we feel ready to emerge again. This isn’t necessarily a bad plan though we mustn’t stay down or else our self-esteem and character will be compromised if we don’t confront our challenges.

Make The Best Of Our Hardships

“You don’t have to fear defeat if you believe it may reveal powers that you didn’t know you possessed.”—Napoleon Hill

When speaking in front of audiences or coaching clients, I often ask people to think back to a time in their life that shaped their character. Similarly, I invite you to reflect on moments when you experienced hardship or defeat yet overcame it? What lessons did you learn and what skills or qualities did you develop? People often say they didn’t think they had the inner strength and the resiliency to overcome their setbacks and this reaffirms why we must face our challenges with an open mind and a soft heart. We can’t allow life to extinguish our inner light because once it goes out it will be difficult to rekindle the promise of hope, faith and enthusiasm.

I can’t explain why unpleasant things happen to us, nor would I want the burden of trying to figure it out. I’ve come to the realisation it is a waste of time and energy trying to understand why unfortunate things happen. If I look for the meaning in life’s events, I become mired in the problem and move further away from a solution. However, if I accept it and rise again to shake the fragments of defeat off my shoulder, I realise life isn’t a tale about being knocked down, but it’s about how many times we rise that makes the difference. Similarly, it’s of little use to justify life being fair or unfair since this is not beneficial and relieves us of our power to respond affirmatively. If we can summon our inner power and make the best of our hardships, we can sail into smoother waters knowing there will be times when the sea of life will be rough, yet when the storm passes it will be smooth sailing once again. It is what the acclaimed Brazilian author of The Alchemist Paulo Coelho refers to in a recent tweet when he said: “The more violent the storm, the quicker it passes.”

I’d like for you to walk away after reading this article and get a sense that setbacks are part of the human condition, though we mustn’t be defeated by them. If we do, we risk losing ourselves to what the late holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl reiterated through his writing and teachings; our ability to choose our attitude. Frankl’s passage from Man’s Search for Meaning underscores that our attitude is the last remaining hope after everything is taken away from us, as was the case when he lost his family in the concentration camps of Nazi Germany: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” You are not the product of your defeats because they are teaching points from which to cultivate your greatest strength, should you rise above them. For in overcoming our impediments, we discover the depth of our character and an abiding spirit of resiliency that follows us throughout life ever more.

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We All Encounter Setbacks, Yet We Mustn’t Allow Ourselves To Ever Be Defeated

If you let your defeats conquer you, they will pierce your psyche and erode your character. Setbacks are unavoidable in this journey called life and none of us are immune to it.

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