Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 22

The Importance Of Being Engaged And Present In All Our Relationships

Listening Requires Being Silent

“The first duty of love is to listen.”—Paul Tillich

How engaged are you in your relationships? Are you present within the relationship? I don’t mean physically present since that is a given. I’m talking about being mentally, emotionally and spiritually invested in the relationship. To be devoted means enduring the difficult periods if the relationship runs into rough waters. I’m defining relationships here as all forms of human connections whether they be intimate, friends, family or work colleagues. Now you might think: “Tony, I can’t be overly engaged with my boss because I would cross the line of being their friend.” So allow me to explain myself. By being engaged and present means we bring our whole self to our encounters with others. For example, it is my experience as a coach that many people are ineffective listeners. They listen intending to chime in once the other person is finished. They are not taking part in communication and it is evident in their body language. Contemplate this for a moment, do you consider yourself to be a good listener in your relationships? Do you listen intently to what others are saying or do you skim over the surface of their words?

The theme of this article is inspired by a recent conversation with a client experiencing communication challenges with her boss. She mentioned the difficulty of sustaining a mutual understanding with her boss because of his intolerance to what she has to say. She recalled a recent experience that was met with disdain and indifference. The boss was certain they were listening by repeating “yep” throughout the conversation. From my client’s perspective however, they were indifferent to her communication. Listening requires being silent until the other person finishes their dialogue. You might even ask them: “Is there anything else you want to tell me about this situation?” In this manner, you create an open dialogue with the other party instead of pretending you are interested. I know of a family member who continually interrupts me by asking questions while I am explaining a story. I find it disconcerting because if they actively listen, I will tell them what they need to know within the context of the story. If I have not explained myself well enough, they are at right to ask questions once I have finished. Do you agree with these sentiments? What is your experience with poor listeners?

Bring Your Authentic Self To Each Interaction

“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard—they must be felt with the heart.”—Helen Keller

Listening is one facet of how we engage in our relationships. Other ways include: compassion, kindness and creating an atmosphere of presence with the other person. So if your significant other comes home and tells you about their problems at work, rather than try to fix it, listen without prejudice. Listen with an open mind and a compassionate heart, knowing they are coming to you because they feel safe sharing their vulnerabilities. Unless they ask for help, actively listen and give them the gift of your presence. Sure, I understand we want to fix the other person’s problem but often our advice may be unqualified or unnecessary. What it requires is empathy, presence and nonjudgement. Have you experienced this with your intimate relationships where you wanted your partner to just listen to you? Sometimes it’s difficult and we retaliate in anger because we don’t want someone to fix our problems, we want to be heard.

Who said relationships were easy? They are not meant to be easy, however they are worth it even when the other person pushes our pain buttons. We experience growth at those times because it forces us to look into ourselves even during conflicts. The importance of being engaged and present within our relationships means fostering true communication. We let go of judgement and fixed ideas of what we think the other person is really saying. There is the opportunity to heal our childhood wounds when we listen openly because we allow our ego to take a back seat. Ego wants to be heard while the heart prefers to listen. Listening is difficult because it involves silence and thoughtful reflection while the other person is talking. Moreover, not all problems need to be solved. When we try to solve other people’s problems we take away their ability to overcome their challenges. We disempower them and strip them of their identity. We ought to listen and ask encouraging questions so they arrive at the answers themselves.

Are you seeing that being engaged and present in your relationships involves more than your physical presence? It means bringing your authentic self to each interaction and letting go of judgement, blame and anger. I’m not suggesting it is simple but if we consider why we are in the relationship in the first place, we learn to see past these disingenuous emotions and truly connect with our core feelings. With this in mind, I’d like you to pick a relationship you feel is strained at the moment. It might be a co-worker, a friend, a family member or a significant other. In the next seven days, make an agreement with yourself to actively listen to what the other person is saying. Listen with the intent to connect with their words and emotions instead of skimming over the surface of the communication. Try to get a sense of what they want you to know about the situation. Are they afraid? Are they feeling vulnerable? Or angry? If so, perhaps they need unconditional love? Are you willing to give it to them without saying a word? Maybe they want you to see them through the eyes of love, even when they experience negative emotions. The true test comes when we are engaged and present in all our relationships without the need to say a lot.

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Don’t Punish Yourself When You Make Mistakes. Notice What You’ve Chosen And Simply Choose Again

Sometimes I Wish I Knew Better

“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed on an equal or greater benefit.”—Napoleon Hill

Think about a recent mistake and consider how things could have turned out differently for you. Whilst hindsight is a wonderful faculty, it can often make us feel guilt and remorseful for our actions. I want to reassure you that every choice we make is made with the awareness and level of consciousness available to us at the time. However, this does not excuse us from repeating the same mistakes. We are the product of our thinking and until we expand our consciousness, we are bound to repeat our mistakes. That’s where hindsight works to our advantage. With a new level of awareness, we can look forward to the future knowing we are not constrained by our mistakes but learn to make better decisions based on the past.

Many people make mistakes they regret. How about you? Are you still holding on to regret from the past or have you made peace with them? I realise it is difficult to let go of the past.  But, we can take comfort knowing we did our best at the time and hopefully we won’t repeat the same mistakes. This is why we mustn’t punish ourselves but notice what we’ve chosen and simply choose again; this time more wisely. This is the advice echoed by Dr. Alex Lickerman who writes in The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self: “But we needn’t waste time in recriminations or in wishing we could go back in time to change what happened. We can turn that hurt or regret into a catalyst for personal growth, into motivation for examining the reasons we made the choice in the first place and for asking ourselves how we might change to avoid making the same mistake again.” I’ve made countless mistakes in my 20s about my health and career choices. Sometimes I wish I knew better, however I didn’t have the awareness as I do now and was choosing to the best of my ability. In a recent conversation with a coaching client, she complimented me on my wisdom to help her overcome her challenges. As I considered the compliment, it reminded me of the countless mistakes I made over the years. In fact, gaining wisdom has little to do with the books I read, the courses attended or the people I surround myself with. Whilst they are important, it was the numerous mistakes I made, and the lessons gained that cultivated good judgement.

It Is About Finding Clarity

“Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.”—Oscar Wilde

Can you reflect on earlier mistakes that contributed to your personal growth? Sometimes we experience growth while other times we are destined to repeat the same mistakes until we receive a wake-up call. Nothing teaches us valuable lessons other than life’s experience. No matter how often you feel obligated to help a loved one through a crisis, ultimately they must learn the lessons on their own. My experience as a coach and speaker shows that people are not ready to receive advice unless they ask or pay for it. I mention this because we ought to refrain from giving advice on how others should live their life or overcome their problems. In fact, the best thing we can do is listen to their problems with an open mind and help them gain clarity on the situation. If you’ve ever worked with a coach or mentor, you will notice they ask many questions and seldom give advice. Rather, they help you gain clarity on your issues and lead you towards self-enquiry, so you are better equipped to find the answers yourself.

Considering this, think back to an earlier time when you faced a difficult challenge and consulted other people. Perhaps you received conflicting advice at the time? In those instances, did you find your own solution or rely on the advice given? Similarly, if you followed the advice, did it work out in your favour? If you arrived at the solution yourself, were you more empowered as a result? It is my experience, the answers to our most pressing problems are always contained within us, yet we don’t have enough clarity to recognise it or put it into action. We get stuck on life being a certain way and if it doesn’t eventuate as we expect, we get angry and disillusioned. What we ought to do is keep searching for answers and work with our intuition to make sense of the situation. It is a matter of consulting the guidance we receive and interpreting it through logic. In light of this, return to the recent mistake I asked you about at the beginning of the article. Contemplate the following questions: What do I need to learn about this situation? What is this experience calling me to understand about myself or life? Where is the growth contained within this experience? Assuredly, when we pose empowering questions, we align ourselves with the right solutions instead of feeling disempowered. Punishing yourself when you make mistakes does not serve you other than to reinforce a despairing mindset. We must notice what we’ve chosen then ask empowering questions, so we are destined not to repeat those mistakes.

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Why Fear Prevents Us From Feeling The Wonderment Of The Present Moment

How To Disassociate From Fear

“What is the biggest thing that stops people from living their lives in the present moment? Fear—and we must learn how to overcome fear.”—Brian Weiss

Consider the last time you experienced a fearful thought or emotion? Think about the situation that caused you to experience this. Now, how did you feel twenty-four hours following the event? Were you still experiencing the emotions or did your attention move to something else? Fear is debilitating and can wreak havoc in our lives if we are unaware. In this period of uncertainty, fear is projected into our lives without our permission. The news and social media is filled with catastrophic events worldwide. Fear is sold to us on the premise we will tune in to the media networks that promote it and remain in a hypervigilant state. But as you know, this comes at a cost to our sanity and long-term health. Assuredly, we can find many situations to be concerned about in the world, yet when we buy into the narrative fear promotes, it steals away the richness of the present moment.

It is impossible to experience the aliveness of the present when we are caught in fearful thoughts. We are projected into the future and experience a cocktail of chemical reactions that cause stress to the body. However, we can learn to turn down the volume on fear by shifting our awareness to what is happening within us. By this I mean, finding practices that help us disassociate from fear. For example, I enjoy swimming and other forms of exercise. When I swim laps at my local pool, I don’t experience fearful thoughts and even in the ensuing hours, I am still on a high. This is also true of other hobbies such as being outdoors, reading and socialising with friends. I try to tune in to selective news reports to remain informed of current events within my region and globally. The internet is a wonderful medium that has brought freedom to our lives but limited us in the way we interact with it. Many people develop addictions to surfing the internet or scrolling through their phones. How about you? How do you interact with social media and the news? How do you respond to bad news? Do you feel sad or depressed? This is one effect of news addiction, it keeps us hooked like poker machines with their flashing lights and sounds. But we have a choice and can limit our exposure.

The Future Will Take Care Of Itself

“Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry—all forms of fear—are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”—Eckhart Tolle

Fear steals away the wonderment of the present moment and offers little in return other than stress and disappointment. It is not a responsible giver but takes away our joy and well-being. If we subscribe to the narrative it promotes, we have no choice but to buy in to its way of life. When we do, we are at its mercy because it has sold us a fictitious way of life based on one aspect of reality. Life is not about fear and disasters because what we look for, we are certain to find. If we go looking for negativity and disappointment, we will find it standing on a street corner waving to get our attention. Though, if we look for joy, bliss and happiness we must intentionally cultivate them and give them space to flourish. As mentioned earlier, we ought to find activities or hobbies away from technology that invigorate us. Constantly browsing the internet and playing violent video games are not forms of joy and happiness. They are escapism and addictions and we mustn’t convince ourselves we are having fun. Granted, if you are sixteen years old and wasting the afternoon after school before your homework that is a different story. Nevertheless, peruse activities that feed your soul and give you a sense of accomplishment and nurture feelings of love. Find something that contributes to your personal growth rather than stealing away time because you are bored.

Are you comfortable with the ideas expressed so far? Does it make sense that exposing yourself to fear diminishes your ability to enjoy the present moment since you are transfixed on what can go wrong? The future will take care of itself. There is nothing to do other than let go of disempowering thoughts and emotions, to enjoy the wonderment of the present moment. Considering this, give some thought to activities you could devote more attention to that nourishes your soul. What habits would you like to reduce or eliminate altogether? Is it screen time on your computer, TV or smart phone? If so, don’t download an app to reduce your screen time but make the intention to do so and follow through with it. After all, fear will prevent us from feeling the aliveness of the present moment as long as we create a home for it to flourish. We must let go of its negative state so emotions like love, joy and happiness can fill the void.

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The Pains Of Life Are Not The Problem. It’s Your Aversion To Them That Causes Suffering

No One Is Immune To The Ravages Of Life

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”—Khalil Gibran

I’d like you to close your eyes after you finished reading this article and think about a current problem. Try to get a sense of the situation and whether other people are involved. Don’t create a mental dialogue but imagine the scenario as best you can. Now zoom out as though looking down upon yourself via Google Earth. How does your problem appear from this vantage point? Notice the other things to observe around you from that distance. You might see your local park, swimming pool, roads and freeways and landmarks. The point I’m trying to make is: when we are embedded in our problems, we are not aware of the other details of life simultaneously occurring. We become caught up in our problems and don’t realise our thoughts are the source of our pain, not the events themselves.

It’s fair to say, there isn’t one person who hasn’t experienced pain and suffering in their life. Even a young child born into the world undergoes the pain of labour via the birthing process. Its supply of nourishment via its mother’s umbilical cord is abruptly cut and it must learn to breathe on its own. No one is immune to the ravages of life, however the degree to which we suffer is within our control. What we believe about our pains and worries will decide whether we suffer from our predicament or overcome it. Are you satisfied that you alone determine the quality of your life? You must because you either stay mired in your problems or look for a solution. Life is difficult, though if we make it our centrepiece of attention, we will always find things to be disappointed about. Sometimes life goes in our favour, other times the tide turns against us and we are in a place we never expected to be.

Acceptance Means Non-Resistance

“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.”—Rumi

How can things be smooth sailing one minute and then suddenly turned on its head the next? I don’t pretend to have the answers though wisdom has taught me to observe the patterns of my life which sometimes appear chaotic and random. This does not mean life doesn’t know what it’s doing. It may be that we don’t have all the answers when certain events take place. Though, if we look back on our problems, we can see how the pieces of the puzzle come together in perfect harmony. Which means, if we cannot control the outcomes of life, what power do we have within the framework of our lives? Our attitude is the one true constant we can control and hence why the degree to which we suffer is within our own volition. It is not the event itself that causes our pain because if Viktor Frankl can survive the concentration camps of Nazi Germany and become one of the most revered psychiatrists of our time, we too can overcome our problems. Are you seeing that your problems are only subject to your thoughts about them and it is within your power to change them?

I’m not suggesting it is an easy process and requires a willingness on your part to stop being the victim and change your mental narrative regarding the problem. It requires flicking the switch to activate your inner power and resiliency, to face whatever is taking place. This might be why being thrust into hardship requires us to find our way out, otherwise we will perish alongside our problems. It is our resistance to what is taking place that fuels our suffering and inflames the pain already present in our lives. Wouldn’t it be easier not to have to contend with this? Wouldn’t it be easier if we could summon our inner power and accept what is taking place? I’m not proposing by accepting your problems you consent to it. Acceptance means non-resistance which helps you find a solution, instead of being the recipient of the pain. Going back to the problem I asked you to imagine earlier, what three actions you can take right now to help you lean in to your problem and see it in a different light? It might be as simple as changing your thoughts about the situation or finding time to journal your thoughts until an inspired solution arises. Whatever the case, we must remain vigilant and trust the pains of life are seldom the problem, it is our readiness to accept them that awakens our greatest power.

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Your Heart’s Deepest Desire Is To Simply Be At Peace

Renew The Commitment To Yourself

“We don’t realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme self who is eternally at peace.”—Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Place your hands on your heart. What do you feel? I don’t mean the beating of your heart but the emotions in that area of your body. This is a practice people find it difficult to do given the mixed feelings that arise when we cultivate the intimate aspect of ourselves. It reminds me of a pleasant experience that took place recently while I was preparing for bed. As I was washing my hands, I was overcome with a sense of love and compassion that filled my entire body. The touch and washing of my hands kindled a deep sense of love and compassion that lasted for thirty seconds or less. It was a familiar feeling I recall experiencing as a child. In that moment, I was taken back to my childhood where I relived the intimate feelings of oneness and togetherness associated with my mother. I mention this because it is the same sense of love and compassion we ought to practice with ourselves. The feelings evoked are the same ones we ought to invite into our lives regularly. Which brings me to the question: What is the relationship you have with yourself? Is it one of kindness and compassion or guilt and resentment? Irrespective of what it is, you can choose inner peace and harmony by letting go of thoughts that obscure its presence.

In a world where nuclear war, political deception and environmental concerns are common, inner peace and harmony ought to take precedent. We are inundated with news that captures our attention and distracts us from attaining inner peace. They try to sell us a fictitious way of life imbued with fear, hate and anxiety. I do not have contempt for them since that is their business model, and my business model is one of peace and harmony. It is my obligation to guide others to connect with their heart’s deepest desire to find inner peace. Some might say the heart’s role is to express love and I would argue otherwise because we are already the embodiment of love by virtue of our existence. We do not have to seek for love other than to remove the impediments that block us from realising it. This is the message espoused by the Persian poet Rumi who once said: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” He was making the case for letting go of negative states such as anger, fear and hatred that obscure our oneness with love. This is not who we really are, but are learned emotional states that keep us from discovering our true selves.

An Ever-Flowing River Of Peace Streaming Through You

“The life of inner peace, being harmonious and without stress, is the easiest type of existence.”—Norman Vincent Peale

Inner peace is associated with the heart’s deepest desire because it is the language of our soul. Inner peace gives rise to love and allows it to expand like light in a dark room that fills every corner. You do not have to direct the light into corners of the room other than to turn it on. The same can be said of us: we must remove the barriers within ourselves that obstruct love, as Rumi alluded to. How do you feel about this so far? I’m certain you have questions brewing in your mind. I invite you to sit with them and contemplate the essence of this inner peace within you. No amount of money, fame or power resembles the inner peace within our hearts. It is merely a matter of removing that which stands in the way of connecting with our longing for peace and harmony. I liken it to stripping ourselves bare of all thoughts, beliefs and falsehoods of who we think we are. These are concepts and ideas to help us find our way in the world yet do little to help us realise inner peace. There are millions of people in the world who accumulate material possessions to make them happy, yet still long for something missing from their lives. The thing that is missing is not lost but dwells within us waiting for us to come home to.

Inner peace is our default setting and one needn’t look any further than that of a child to witness this sense of harmony and bliss. However, if the child is repeatedly exposed to stimuli like video games and sugary sweets, it will behave erratically. Yet if it is fed with wholesome food and nurtured with love, kindness and compassion it will exhibit this sense of inner peace and tranquillity. In keeping with this, I’d like you to return to the earlier exercise of placing your hands on your heart. After you finish reading this article, find a quiet place and turn off any distractions such as music or your mobile phone and sit with yourself for a few minutes. Notice the emotions that arise and make a declaration to see them through the eyes of love, no matter what comes up. Do not consciously engage with mental dialogue but feel the emotions and allow them to move through you. Hopefully, you will realise an ever-flowing river of peace streaming through you and it’s only a matter of letting go of the dam you have built to impede its flow.

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Whilst We Think We’re Done With Our Past, Our Past Is Never Done With Us

Recycling The Past Into The Present Moment

“Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Contemplate your answers to the following questions: What is your relationship with your past? Is it strained because you still carry the baggage from the past? Do you feel agitated, angry or in a bad mood for no reason sometimes? Whilst I realise these questions require you to sit and reflect on them, it is worth taking the time to think about whether you are recycling the past into the present moment. As the title suggests, whether we think we’re done with our past, our past is never done with us. Why? Events that occurred at an earlier time become embedded in our subconscious Mind Body and may manifest as pain or illness if they’re not resolved. If we don’t process the pain or wounds of the past, they creep up on us when we least expect it. The thing is, we don’t expect it to happen to us because what took place is dead and buried and should remain there. Right? But this isn’t always the case regarding our emotional wounds and scars. The past isn’t something to be afraid of, since it can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.

The past can seep its way into the present moment and stain it with unpleasant memories to seize our attention. There is nothing harmful about the past other than we haven’t fully integrated the experiences that took place. I am drawn to this honest message by the spiritual teacher and author Michael A. Rodriguez who writes in Boundless Awareness: A Loving Path to Spiritual Awakening and Freedom from Suffering: “Dwelling on the past and future, forever pursuing things that you think will (but secretly know will not) bring you lasting peace, creates an endlessly frustrating, futile, self-perpetuating loop. Waking up from this mode of misery requires that you clearly see the inherently painful nature of the habitual pursuit of things that you think or feel will make you happy and at peace.” If an experience is not resolved or integrated into our awareness, it will linger and seize our attention in innumerable ways. This might be through flashbacks, mood swings, pain in the body or through our dreams. Is this something you’ve experienced? If so, how have you responded? Do you get caught up in the bad mood or dismiss it as a bad day?

You Are Never Done With Your Past

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” ― Lao Tzu

Whatever the case, the past is never done with us until we have learned the lessons it wants to convey. It permeates our lives to gain our attention in order to better understand ourselves. The past is a friend not a foe. I liken it to a nagging child we ignore who wants to play outside. Eventually, the child will have enough and throw a tantrum because it doesn’t understand the concept of later. It wants our attention right now. I’m certain if you’re a parent with young children, you recognise this pattern. I have young nephews and it doesn’t matter what I’m doing and how important it is, I must stop and give them my undivided attention. And that is what our past invites us to do: give it our attention and integrate the experiences or emotions so we transform them. Otherwise they grow in intensity because we haven’t taken the time to listen to them. Unhealed emotions are similar to nagging injuries we dismiss, yet later need specialist treatment because we have put it off for so long.

Is this making sense so far, in that neglecting the past may not be in your best interest? I can understand why people want to leave the past behind them, particularly negative experiences. Yet if we don’t take the time to make peace with them, like the child who wants to play, they will nag at us until they seize our attention and by then we may be powerless over them. Considering this, I’d like you to reflect on one or two issues from your past that are causing you pain. Write your experiences and the emotions attached to them. What could the experience be calling you to understand? If nothing comes to mind, do some free association and write what first comes to mind. If you follow the trail, you will find a string of clues leading to an answer. Second, how can you make peace with these emotions and/or experiences? How can you transform and heal them? Does it require forgiveness of another person or perhaps yourself? Does it require you to see the truth of the situation because you may be holding on to an inaccurate view of what took place? Ultimately, what we don’t feel and integrate into awareness will find its way into the present moment and future. We are never done with our past and our past is never done with us until we can recall it with openness, love and compassion.

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Why Healing Requires Integrating Our Unconscious Experiences Into The Wholeness Of Our Being

Nurture The Deepest Part Of Your Core Nature

“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.”—Caroline Myss

Healing involves integrating our fragmented parts into the entirety of our being. However, the paradox is: we are not broken but merely disassociated from our wholeness. The term healing denotes restoring what is not functioning as it is intended. When we are caught up in the distorted beliefs about ourselves, it leads to separation or what we consider being broken. In fact, it is merely being separated from the completeness of our true nature. Think in terms of a hologram where the whole is contained in every part. This was an idea espoused by the late theoretical physicist David Bohm who believed the universe is a solid and brilliant hologram. He recognised how each part of our physical reality contained information about the whole. Therefore, our thoughts, emotions, soul and physical body are composed of our soul nature.

How does this idea appeal to you? Are you comfortable knowing whilst you were born whole and pure, through your beliefs, thoughts and experiences it leads to separation? I’m not suggesting it is entirely your fault because we are all bound to experience this. It is said, while our painful experiences are not our fault, healing the pain is our responsibility. Although there’s an element of truth to it, we ought to remember there is nothing to heal other than to attend to our unconscious memories in order to return to wholeness. By attending to these aspects, we integrate our known sense of separateness. Release and Renew is a mantra I often repeat in my writing when I discuss healing and emotions. In doing so, we release that which is not conducive to the present moment. Similarly, we renew our commitment to nurture ourselves by connecting with our core emotions. The integration I speak of is an association with our soul nature, which at its essence is pure, whole and knows nothing of separateness or brokenness. It is the egoic mind which disconnects us from our spiritual self to create two identities i.e. the darkness and the light.

How To Heal Your Fragmented Parts

“I have been a seeker and I still am, but I stopped asking the books and the stars. I started listening to the teaching of my Soul.”—Rumi

I am drawn to a passage by the South African author Michael Brown, who writes in The Presence Process: “I dropped my use of the word “heal” because of its connotation that something was wrong and had to be fixed. Instead, I began using the word “integrate,” which to me meant there was a part of my experience that was unconscious—a part of my experience that I resisted, controlled, and sedated—which was asking to be incorporated into the whole. Whereas healing felt like I was excluding something from my experience, integration felt like I was embracing everything I experienced.” I believe Brown makes two important points here: we mustn’t resist nor control the past, but perceive them as the whole of our life’s experience. Second, integration means to embrace or at the very least acknowledge everything that happened to us. Perhaps not right away, but when we are ready to make peace with the past.

What are your thoughts about this? I realise you may have questions related to your personal experiences. Whilst I am not present to answer them, I assure you trying to make sense of them consciously is a healing process rather than an integration process. It is what author Dr. Mario Martinez means when he writes in The MindBody Code: How to Change the Beliefs that Limit Your Health, Longevity, and Success: “The true agents of change are elevated cognitions and exalted emotions. These agents of change provide sustained transformation; in fact, they have triumphed over the greatest infamies and darkest periods in our human journey.” It does little good to dwell on why the past took place as it did. Instead, we ought to turn the tables and consider the following questions as a basis for self-enquiry. Instead of trying to make sense of the past which keeps us trapped replaying painful memories, we identify how the experiences served us.  

How can I use the past to facilitate my greater growth?
In what ways can I use my emotional wounds to bring peace and love to the part of me that is pure and whole?
How can I integrate my sense of separateness into the wholeness of my being?
Whom do I need to become and let go of to achieve this inner state?

Once we can perceive the pain of the past through the lens of: compassion, forgiveness, peace and love we heal our fragmented parts. It may involve deep exploration into ourselves with or without the guidance of a trained therapist. Considering this, I’d like you to spend the following week journaling your answers to the four questions above. Call it a remote coaching session if you like. Write what comes to mind even if it involves images or symbols. Similarly, pay attention to your dreams via the symbols that appear. Note how you feel within the dream and upon waking. Look for messages in your waking life in the form of people, places and situations that cause you unrest. This is your soul guiding you towards integration. Ultimately, to heal ourselves we must be willing to integrate the pain of the past, so healing happens naturally as nature intended it to.

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Why Your Emotional Pain Is A Portrait Into The Past

The Healing Power Of Love

“Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?”—Leo Buscaglia

Emotional pain is a portrait into the past due to recycled memories brought into the present moment. Think about this in your own life. What memories are you holding on to that bind you to the past? Are those memories serving you? If not, are you willing to let go of them and forgive yourself and others who contributed to the pain? I know these are difficult questions to answer. Like you, I too have suffered pain, however I appreciate that painful memories are remnants of the past that require healing and integration. Reflect on the following tale from Anthony de Mello’s book One Minute Wisdom in which he explains how pain is apparent when we invite the past into the present moment: “How shall I attain Eternal Life?” “Eternal Life is now. Come into the present.” “But I am in the present now, am I not?” “No.” “Why not?” “Because you haven’t dropped your past.” “Why should I drop my past? Not all of it is bad.” “The past is to be dropped not because it is bad but because it is dead.”

The past is an illusion because it doesn’t actually exist in our present moment experience, other than a faint memory. Suffering is eased when we reconnect with this moment and honour it as a cherished gift. Through our expanded awareness, we minimise the intensity of painful memories and develop an appreciation of what we have. As we cast our attention to the here and now, earlier memories fade through a change in awareness. Memories have an emotional relationship to thoughts and with enough intensity, grow stronger neural networks in the brain. To change those memories, we ought to focus on forming new ones. This is the essence of what author and psychotherapist Linda Graham means when she writes in Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being: “Processing an emotion entails perceiving it, acknowledging it, being with it, and then letting the wave move through the body (as it naturally will if we don’t grip it or feed it).” Whilst it may be obvious, healing takes place when we cease to identify with the pain of the past. In doing so, we invite the healing power of love to permeate our life. This is because love has a higher energetic frequency than emotional states such as fear, anger or sadness. We find freedom in creating a new script in which to view the past. This new story does not extinguish our memories, it creates an empowering relationship connecting the past to the present, so peace, love and healing emerge. How do you feel about this? Are you willing to examine your painful memories to heal and integrate them into the wholeness of your being?

Are You Enslaved To The Past?

“Only by acceptance of the past can you alter it.”—T. S. Eliot

To heal emotional wounds requires courage to confront the pain. This is because our inner spirit is more resilient than we imagine. For example, I recall my stern upbringing as a child, dominated by an uncompromising father who sought to shape me into someone I was not cut out to be. Years later throughout adulthood, I formed an incomplete story relating to the events of my childhood, steeped in anger and blame. Eventually, I created a new script by bringing forgiveness and peace to the past. In doing so, I healed twenty years of emotional pain because I was no longer willing to remain captive to my emotional wounds. For those having endured mental, emotional or physical trauma the pain is undoubtedly real. However, if we wish to heal our pain-story, something must give, otherwise we become enslaved to the past. Inner peace is fundamental to our happiness and we ought to choose this over pain if we seek inner freedom. Anger, blame and love cannot live in the same place. One must recede to give way to the other. I love this passage by the Tibetan Buddhist, Pema Chodron who writes: “We always want to get rid of misery rather than see how it works with joy. The point isn’t to cultivate one thing as opposed to another, but to relate properly to where we are.” At the most primitive level, pain is an invitation to examine the disharmony in our life. It is not intended to prolong suffering unless we allow ourselves to remain trapped in it.

Pain calls us to heal our emotional conflicts by directing our attention towards peace and love. Our choices become powerful beacons of hope to rewrite the past with compassion. We create a compelling future, instead of being dictated by untoward events of the past. Moreover, the momentary pain of confronting the past far outweighs carrying the burden of grief into the present and future. Pain shapes our life so we become tender in those hard places we dare to visit. For example, if I asked you to drop your emotional pain who are you beneath that? Holding on to pain conceals our known sense of self, and we form a distorted impression of who we think we are. However well-meaning our intentions, the façade is a self-constructed image that serves to protect us. Considering this, spend some time over the coming weeks connecting with any emotional pain of the past. Write them down so you have a clear picture of what you’re working with. If it is too traumatic to bring up old memories, do not push yourself if you are not ready. If you are working with a trained therapist, follow their guidance. If you feel comfortable with the memories, ask yourself: What purpose could replaying these memories serve you? What is the payoff? For example, a client I was recently coaching was using worry and fear as a way to feel in control of situations she was powerless over. Her worry gave her a sense of command, however it was wreaking havoc in her life. Therefore, we must be willing to let go of the old to invite the new and expansive energy to permeate our lives if we wish to make peace with the past.

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Controlling Your Desires Is The Basis For Personal Power, And Its Mastery Is The Payoff

Succumbing To the Egoic Needs

“I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.”—Aristotle

The most significant thing we can do to control our desires is to let go of the attachment we have to them. The Buddha believed desire is the reason for pain and suffering in the world. This is embodied in the endless cycle of wanting and craving that keeps us trapped. Similarly, the British philosophical writer James Allen once wrote: “Desire is as insatiable as the ocean, and clamours louder and louder as its demands are attended to.” He touched on something relevant: the more we feed our desires the more they grow in intensity. Consider this in your own life. Do you have a desire to be in a relationship, lose weight, get promoted at work or qualify for a certain position? These are reasonable desires and if not met, we become disappointed, angry and even depressed.

But how is it possible to be free of desires in the modern world? Everywhere we turn we are flooded with marketing and advertising selling us a way of life that is out of reach for many. It is thrust into our faces without our consent. We are like infants waiting for our next feed, sobbing until we get what we need. And yet, we are certain if we get what we want, we will be fulfilled. Though, it is not always the way. Can you identify with this? Have you often thought being in a relationship will make you happy, yet it turned out to be contrary to your expectation? I’m not suggesting relationships are not fulfilling, however if we don’t understand our true desires, we are unlikely to be happy when we receive what we want. I enjoy the tale told by the Buddha where a man asked him: “I want happiness.” The Buddha replies: “First remove “I,” that’s Ego, then remove “want,” that’s Desire. See now, you are left with only “Happiness.” He was identifying how the ego strives for more and we fall into its trap because we succumb to its needs.

So how can we overcome the trappings of desire whilst holding on to our humanity? The key is not to resist temptation but acknowledge it as part of our human nature. It is well known what we resist, persists. Whereas acceptance leads to personal power because we understand the motives underlying our desires. Acceptance helps us understand the natural process of desire, so we can work with it. Wanting and craving is not the source of our problem, it is not receiving what we expect that causes pain and suffering. Does this idea make sense to you: where not getting what you want may sometimes be a blessing? The answer lies in self-enquiry so we recognise what is at the heart of our desires. For example, are we trying to hide behind our childhood wounds? Or are we running away from our core emotions that require healing and integration?

Turn Towards Your Thoughts and Feelings and Be With Them

“Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power.”—James Allen

We must understand our urges so we are not dictated by them. This requires noticing and accepting our thoughts and feelings since this is the gateway to inner knowing and self-awareness. Knowing comes from self-observation without judgement. Sometimes it may mean we are angry, sad, depressed or even overwhelmed with grief or anxiety. Most people run away from these emotions via activities that dull or anaesthetise their emotions. Can you see how running away from your emotions intensifies them so they come barrelling down a cliff later on? We must stop and turn towards our thoughts and feelings and be with them compassionately. We mustn’t stow them away, but observe them as we would a child throwing a tantrum. Once the outburst is over, we can hold the child in our arms and comfort them knowing they are in need of love. And so it is with ourselves.

Any time we experience negative emotions, our core-self is inviting us to practice self-compassion and self-love. We ought to be more mindful and less judgemental of ourselves when we experience such emotions. When the experience has passed, we can look objectively at our thoughts and feelings with openness and empathy. It is through this lens of self-enquiry that we come to understand them better and respond appropriately. Considering this, reflect on your desires and note three on paper or your phone etc., whether they are associated with a relationship, career, finances, health or otherwise. Beneath, write what you hope to achieve by having your desires met? Will you be more happy, fulfilled or content? Keep asking WHY do I want these things? If an answer doesn’t appear at the time of writing, allow yourself some space and keep coming back to it over the coming days and weeks. Undoubtedly, once we accept our desires, we begin the exploration into ourselves which is the foundation of our personal power and self-mastery.

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Why Magic Happens When You Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Why Its Never Smooth Sailing

“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” — Brian Tracy

When we take responsibility for our life, serendipitous events unfold and lead us to awaken our inherent wisdom. At this level we must be willing to step out of our comfort zone and meet life with passion and fervour. Here’s an all too common scenario that plays out in people’s lives, illustrating how settling sometimes can lead to apathy and comfort. Life hands us lemons — well at least that’s what we suspect from where we stand. We may be sick and tired of being in rut. Feeling uninspired, emotionally drained and lacking direction. We mustn’t despair since we may simply be experiencing an internal shift. From time to time, we may suffer periods of uncertainty, which on the surface appears as though our world is sinking. We might feel helpless and unable to navigate our journey ahead. Though we can’t quite put our finger on it, something isn’t quite right — we know that part at least. Life seems harder and requires more effort than usual. Everything is a chore. We feel emotional turbulence at the slightest episode when things don’t go according to plan. Can you relate to feeling this way on previous occasions? Rest assured life isn’t always smooth sailing. Seeking refuge in that statement liberates us from having to push against the forces of life. Like any journey, the intention to reach one’s destination is typically heralded by a goal or a plan, though we may not anticipate the rough waters ahead. That is, we might have to sail our boat in uncharted waters to reach our final destination. Life’s journey is filled with countless lessons, which many fail to concede when embroiled in their drama.

Why Change Can Be Debilitating

“Get out of that comfortable rut.” ― Denis Waitley, The Psychology of Winning

In Paulo Coelho’s acclaimed book The Alchemist, the young shepherd boy Santiago undertakes a quest around to traverse the world in order to find treasure and his personal legend. Ultimately as he draws to the end of his journey, he discovers his treasure was right where he started. He recognises his trek across the world filled him with wisdom and a great deal of knowledge owing to the people he meets along the way. His journey had not been a waste of time, for he has gained much from his experience in search of his treasure. I wish to remind you that contained within every effort, every step, and every so called failure draws you closer to your treasure — your pot of gold. Nothing is wasted. No effort has been in vain. There is a rhythm and timing to the universe we must abide with if we wish to realise our potential. With that in mind stepping out of our comfort zone may be paralysing to some, since there is a level of anxiety associated with uncertainty. We become accustomed to the familiar that to rock the boat, destabilises our equilibrium. It was the spiritual author Neale Donald Walsch of the acclaimed spiritual book series, Conversations With God who reminds us: “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

Dealing with uncertainty and change can be debilitating in terms of our imposed stress, yet seemingly to live a compelling future requires stepping out of the familiar to reach new horizons. Remember, it is our response to life which is paramount to the level of personal growth we undertake. Most people thrive in ideal situations, although this does not test one’s character. Our response to life’s uncertainties determines our level of inner growth, especially when the tides are against us. For example, entrepreneurs require confidence to never give up on their plan or vision, since the economic forces are constantly against them. There must be an inherent self-belief, an unyielding motivation and a desire to prevail. Considering this, I encourage you to adopt a similar quality in your pursuit to step out of your comfort zone. Do not rest on your laurels since it is easy — remember, easy is not where the fruit of your success lies. You must be willing to take risks, whether big or small and gradually move in the direction of your dreams. Moreover, I invite you to think big and act big, to gain the greater rewards in life. Are you comfortable putting this advice to practice in your life? I trust you are because sometimes the small step towards your goals can lead to giant strides of momentum.

Success Leaves Clues

“As you move outside of your comfort zone, what was once the unknown and frightening becomes your new normal.” — Robin S. Sharma

It was author David J. Schwartz who wrote the bestselling book The Magic of Thinking Big. In the book he reminds us of the power of our beliefs as a measure of pursuing our dreams with a powerful intensity: “Those who believe they can move mountains, do. Those who believe they can’t, cannot. Belief triggers the power to do.” Familiarity keeps us safe and oftentimes stuck and stagnant. Most people are quite content to sail through life impervious to their potential. They rather not take risks in the event life does not emerge as they hope for. Subsequently, their self-esteem takes a hit and they perceive themselves as failures. Yet failure and self-esteem are not inextricably linked. You are not a failure because your goals fail to materialise the way you hoped for. You may have been unsuccessful in reaching your goal, although you may be drawing closer to success each time, yet unaware of it. The American motivational author and speaker Tony Robbins once said: “Success leaves clues.”

Stepping of our comfort requires us to extend our personal boundaries in order to create a fulfilling life. Those successful people whom we look up to, have pushed past their comfort zone in order to reach their current level of mastery. They broke through many a glass ceiling to create a new way of life and similarly paved the way for others to follow. That is the inviting aspect of pushing past our comfort zone — we serve as a guidepost for others to follow, by breaking ground in our pursuit. Yet as alluring as it might seem to push through our comfort zone, we do not want to make it a constant quest. Integrating our experiences becomes paramount, since it is defined by our learning and inner growth, which becomes the focal point of pushing past our comfort level. With that in mind, reflect on a current goal, project or dream you’re pursuing. Write down three actions you should be taking to venture out of your comfort zone? Don’t get hung up on the hows for now, merely give your attention to the action required. Are you willing to stretch yourself a little each time to get closer to your goal? Are you willing to get uncomfortable for a while as you venture into endless possibilities? Your response will dictate whether you take inspired action or lament a missed opportunity: choose wisely my friend!

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