Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 18

What If There’s Nothing Wrong With You?

Our Thoughts Are Saboteurs

“Self-doubt is the anchor that keeps our ships from sailing.” — Steve Maraboli

What comes to mind when you read the title of this article? Pay close attention to your inner dialogue and notice what it’s telling you. Is it disparaging or one of disbelief? Our immediate response is often right because it is an intuitive impulse. There’s nothing wrong with you other than the need to compare yourself with others. Equally, you can change your inner dialogue even though it has been critical all these years. What makes me so sure? Like you, I entertained negative self-talk for much of my adult life. I attributed it to a father who over-disciplined me when I was young and emphasised nothing I did was good enough.

I wasn’t aware of the critical inner voice then, but noticed it more as an adult. I wanted to silence the inner critic, yet it was futile since it grew stronger. It wasn’t until my early 30s, through mindfulness and meditation practice, that I allowed the thoughts to be there instead of trying to get rid of them. Does this make sense, where the thoughts we have about ourselves aren’t entirely true? They are opinions and mostly inaccurate ones. Here’s why your thoughts about yourself are not true. When negative thoughts arise, you’re aware of your experience of them, right? Similarly, you are able to witness them at the same time? Therefore, there are two minds having the experience of thoughts.

There is the critical mind generating the thoughts and the observing mind witnessing them take place. The key is to disengage from the critical mind and become the observing mind. Many people are convinced there’s something wrong with them because they believe their thoughts, instead of observing them via the witnessing mind. I recently wrote an article how our thoughts are saboteurs that convince us of our unworthiness. It is the mind’s biological role to analyse and look for negativity (negativity bias) in our environment. Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean what we think is true and hence why our witnessing mind can observe itself without trouble.

Awaken Your Passions And Purpose

“If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago…” ― Cheri Huber

What if your character is intentionally unique instead of flawed? For example, when I was young, I didn’t enjoy socialising like others my age. I wasn’t antisocial, but preferred time alone pursuing different activities to other people. I was convinced something was wrong with me because socialising depleted my energy. It was not long after, I discovered I was an Empath and preferred being alone. Yet, I was still adamant something was wrong with me, until I turned to the creative arts and realised that my time alone helped me awaken my creative passions.

What I’m saying is: self-acceptance is the answer to many of our troubles. It helps us discover who we really are and awaken our passions and purpose. There’s no use berating or hating ourselves because we’re different. Perhaps we’re different for a purpose? Therefore, avoid using your uniqueness against you, since it is a gift meant to help you stand out from the crowd. By all accounts, Elon Musk thought he was different when he stuttered and preferred reading books at a young age. We can now see how he channelled those qualities to good use, since they have become the key to his success. If we believe something is wrong with us, we are looking through the prism of a distorted lens. We are focusing on an inaccurate perception that isn’t there.

Are you comfortable with the idea that there’s nothing wrong with you other than your thoughts about yourself? We can change our self-talk, despite how disapproving it is. It took me some time to shift my inner dialogue to one of kindness, self-compassion and self-nurturing. At first, it felt foreign because I was unaccustomed to it and my ego wanted to drown it out. There was constant resistance, however, I allowed my witnessing mind to notice the negative inner-talk and gradually, I experienced inner peace. I never forced it, but welcomed the negative thoughts and observed them through the lens of kindness and self-compassion.

Soon enough, my new inner-talk became my default state, and I was no longer beating myself up. It was a pleasant undertaking, and whilst it took a while to arrive here, it was worth it. I learned to accept my thoughts instead of resisting them. This shift also translated into many areas of my life and helped me coach others to develop the same inner dialogue. Knowing this, I’d like you to write a list of critical conversations you have with yourself. What does your inner critic try to convince you of? What are the themes of the negative self-talk? See if you can catch yourself experiencing these thoughts when you’re aware of them. It is once we notice and welcome these thoughts, that healing and transformation can take place.

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Why You Are Always One Decision Away From Improving Your Life

Good Habits Build Strong Character

“The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not fighting the old, but on building the new.” — Socrates

Are you aware of anything holding you back from improving your life at present? It may be a resource such as money, better living conditions, access to certain information or services? Whilst I don’t discount the value of these things can improve our circumstances, generally, our thoughts are the biggest impediment holding us back because we believe them. As an example, I was speaking with a client recently who confessed how she nearly didn’t make it to the gym one morning. Her thoughts convinced her she was too tired, so she reasoned it was pointless to exercise. However, she made it to the gym after all and not only did she feel better, she couldn’t believe how her thoughts sabotaged her an hour earlier. Had she succumbed to her feelings, she might have avoided going to the gym and lamented her choice later.

Have you experienced something similar in areas of your life? It happens to me often; though, I’ve learned not to trust my thoughts but commit to my goals and intentions instead. Our thoughts are saboteurs that stop us achieving our goals and highest intentions. Evolutionary psychologists believe this sabotaging is an adaptive mechanism to keep us safe from danger. Given the world we live in nowadays, the danger we experienced thousands of years ago is not prevalent anymore. Meanwhile, our biology hasn’t changed given we still use the same mental framework to make important decisions.

So, what does this mean for you? You are one choice away from improving your life, which can have a transformative effect. The key is to better understand our thoughts, so we don’t succumb to the saboteur that tries to convince us things are worse than they are. Nowadays, everyone talks about wanting more motivation. I don’t accept motivation is the issue because it will only get you so far and if you lose motivation, what then? We ought to set the right intentions and develop good habits that lead to strong character. I’m not talking about the character that defines you as a good or bad person. I’m talking about character where you commit to your goals and purpose and follow through with them, no matter what. So, if your intention is to exercise four days a week, character says you show up four days a week, excluding if you are sick.

Are you comfortable with this idea that the next choice you make can improve your life in ways you never imagined? Now I can hear you say: “Tony, I make choices every day and none of them have changed my life.” Granted, but are you making choices from a place of fear, regret and worry or based on inspiration and enthusiasm? The latter strengthens your commitment to your goals and purpose, where the former weakens it. Your commitment is tied to your character and if we break our promises, we lose trust in ourselves. We must do what we say we’re going to do, as long as it is tied to the right intention. Therefore, we must have a higher understanding our true motives. For example, are we working towards improving our life or running away from something deleterious?

Accept The Fate Of Our Choices

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.” ― Alan Cohen

Our choices can improve our life because they uphold our values and purpose. Psychologist say the pleasure principle is where people seek pleasure and avoid pain as much as possible. The problem is that pain can build character and strengthen our commitment to our goals. Pain allows us to recognise what is important to us, and let go of unnecessary or wasteful actions. We must be careful not to become pleasure seekers but understand our underlying motives better. Are you beginning to feel better that your decisions can lead to an extraordinary life, if you are clear on your intentions? Doing so requires knowing ourselves, which is tied to wisdom and experience.

Some of the wisest people I’ve met are those who’ve experienced great difficulties and suffering in their life. They’ve endured pain and gained valuable insights about themselves along the way. Oscar Wilde once said: “Experience is the hardest teacher; it gives you the test before the lesson.” Yet many people don’t heed the lessons until it’s too late, and even then, they repeat the same mistakes over again. In many ways, they are like mice scurrying around in a maze, not understanding the rules of the game. But our choices can be powerful and change the course of our destiny, if they are aligned with our highest intentions. It’s not necessary that we make difficult choices that disrupt our lives. Perhaps we can afford to do so when we’re young, but as we mature, we ought to learn from our experiences and make informed choices.

Eventually, we must trust ourselves and accept the fate of our choices, instead of believing life is difficult. We are powerful beings and many don’t recognise this power and resign themselves to mediocrity. Pain and pleasure help us learn how our choices can influence our life, if we examine them thoughtfully. Knowing this, I’d like you to think about your recent choices. Were they aligned with your highest purpose, or were they made impulsively? Ask yourself: “What is important to me and what am I willing to sacrifice to attain this?” Live by those values and I assure you, the next choice you make can improve your life beyond your wildest dreams.

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How To Love And Nurture Your Neglected Self

Opportunities To Love And Nurture Our Neglected Self

“Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world.” ―Pema Chodron

What is the relationship you have with yourself? Are you aware of your inner dialogue related with your self-worth? How do you treat yourself when you’re angry, fearful or sad? How we relate to ourselves during our darkest moments shows what type of relationship we with ourselves. Everyone experiences positive emotions when things are going right, but what about when life isn’t going according to plan? These are opportunities to love and nurture our neglected self because the disowned self is the one we must come home to. What do I mean by coming home to ourselves? It means creating a place to honour our emotions, especially the difficult ones which call for our attention.

Many people run away from their negative emotions, and I used to be one of them. Besides, who wants to experience negative states regularly? We want to feel alive and happy and negative emotions don’t fit into that plan. Or do they? Negative emotions serve a purpose and we mustn’t run away from them but deal with them with openness and compassion. Because they are important messengers and running away delays our emotional well-being. Think about the negative emotions you experience from time to time? How do you process them? Do you journal your feelings while paying attention to what they’re trying to tell you?

Consider the following scenario as an example of why we must love and nurture our neglected self. Your boss constantly criticises you on your work performance, and you feel a sense of: sadness, frustration and anger. Over time, you bottle these emotions because they remind you of the disparaging comments from your boss. But what if there’s an underlying message contained within these emotions? Perhaps by connecting with them on a deeper level, you learn not to take the criticism personally but improve respective areas of your work, thus leading to a promotion.

Make Room For Negative Emotions

“When we give ourselves compassion, we are opening our hearts in a way that can transform our lives.”—Kristin Neff

Emotions are transitory events that come and go from our nervous system, hundreds of times a day. Most people are not mindful of them because there’s so much going on inside their heads. That is why we should listen to what is taking place beneath the surface of our lives, otherwise we will succumb to the negative emotions like a tsunami. Connecting with our emotional life means checking in with ourselves to see how we’re doing. It means stopping, feeling and listening to what the emotions are trying to convey. A practice I undertake when anger, frustration or fear emerges is to stop what I’m doing and place my hands on my heart to observe my emotions. I sit and feel them, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable they are. I know these emotions will pass, and my job is to connect with them through an embodied experience.

An embodied experience means to somatically perceive through our nervous system, the emotion/s without deferring them. Many people distract themselves via: drinking, drugs, food, shopping, etc. when negative emotions surface. But eventually the emotion will seep through and grab our attention, when we least expect it. Our emotions are our soul’s calling card. They don’t have an agenda other than to communicate the essence of our true selves. They help us make sense of life, so we can live in congruency with our authentic self. For example, if you’re not receiving adequate love and affection from your partner, your emotions will tell you something isn’t right. Some people try to rationalise it by telling themselves their partner is busy at work or has a lot on their plate. But our emotions don’t lie because they are the foundation of our intuition, if we care to listen. Perhaps we’re afraid to tell our partner we need more intimacy in the relationship? We might fear putting our demands on them will make them think we’re being demanding, and so we hold back.

Have you experienced something like this before? It might start out as a gut feeling that grows and turns into confrontation because you haven’t communicated yourself properly. Therefore, we must love and nurture our neglected self because it is the part of us we need to come home to. The neglected self is the comfortable sofa we lay our weary body after a long day at work. It is the comfy pyjamas we wear on a cold winter’s day. But like all emotions, we must also make room for negative emotions and process them with openness. The key is to be with your emotions and feel them in your body. Simply, stop what you’re doing, and breathe into that area until the emotion dissolves or transforms.

I did this exercise recently after experiencing anger and tension from a busy day that didn’t go as planned. I was sitting down late one evening, looking forward to reading, and was repeatedly interrupted, which led to anger and stress. I remember a thought entering my mind that said: “I don’t have time for this right now.” In the next moment, I dropped what I was doing and breathed deeply for three or four minutes, whilst moving my awareness to my chest where the anger was situated. What took place moments later was the most exquisite love I have experienced. Its presence was reassuring and comforting, and I didn’t want to return to what I was doing. I’ve since experienced many more moments like this because what I learned is that on the other side of our negative emotions is a pure and abiding love that beckons us to come home to. It is this love we must nurture often, instead of neglecting coming home to our true self.

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Why Accepting All That Is, Gives You The Freedom To Be Yourself

Why Thoughts Are Saboteurs

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”—Reinhold Niebuhr 

Think of a current problem upsetting you right now. It may be related to a relationship, your finances, career, health or otherwise. Try to get a sense of how it is affecting you, while distancing yourself from the mental chatter. The idea of acceptance is difficult to grasp for many because people believe it implies resignation or apathy. In fact, acceptance means letting go of worry, fear, anger and negative emotions and choosing peace instead. Often, what we experience isn’t the real cause of our suffering, as much as our thoughts about it. And since we cannot control our thoughts, we try desperately to make sense of what is taking place.

Can you identify with this regarding your experience? Because we are close to the experience, the pain feels real and regrettably, we get caught up in negative thoughts and emotions. The good news is, there are several therapies such as ACT and CBT, which focus on accepting our thoughts and learning to diffuse them. The premise underlying any unpleasant experiences is learning to accept our thoughts which neutralises our pain and suffering. This is because our thoughts are saboteurs that convince us things are more distressing than they are (known as catastrophising). It is by better understanding the thinking process, we realise that thoughts come and go from our mind and there’s no use giving them more energy.

Acceptance allows you the freedom to be yourself because when we’re consumed by pain and suffering, we are not our true selves. Have you experienced this before of not inhabiting your body but controlled by your thoughts and emotions? When we accept things as they are, we develop greater psychological flexibility and what happens is aligned for our greater good. Now, let me be clear, I am not saying we should accept any form of: harassment, abuse, bullying, hatred, criminal acts of violence, etc. I am saying, to ease our pain and suffering, we must accept the situation as it is, even though we may not like what is happening. Acceptance opens the door to our healing, which should be our priority over feeling good in the interim. Can you see where I’m coming from? Our long-term wellbeing should take priority over feeling good in the meantime. Healing means developing a new lens in which to view our circumstances, instead of being caught up in negativity.

Go Deeper Into The Core Of Your Being

“Acceptance looks like a passive state, but in reality, it brings something entirely new into this world. That peace, a subtle energy vibration, is consciousness.”—Eckhart Tolle

When we heal, we align with our authentic nature instead of being governed by fleeting thoughts and emotions. Healing is a journey into oneself to discover the true essence of who we are. It is not meant to be a pleasant experience and sometimes can be more painful than the initial wounds. But we must take that journey if we want to live authentically, otherwise we will continually run into problems. Sometimes, it is difficult because we may not be ready for what lies ahead. Here’s the good and bad news. No one has their affairs in order. I’m yet to meet a single person free of emotional wounds and whose thoughts are peaceful and harmonious. Each of us is afflicted by some form of mental and emotional suffering, and we’re all trying to find our way in the world. Some of us are doing a better job than others, but it doesn’t mean we cannot find our way.

Is this beginning to make sense, that acceptance leads to peace and harmony and the freedom to be yourself? If you sense resistance to what I’m saying, put the advice into practice. Do the healing work and test the strength of my statements. Non-acceptance is resistance and as you know: what we resist, persists. Even unfortunate experiences can teach us valuable lessons about ourselves. I went through a life-threatening illness two decades ago and lost my father to type II diabetes not long after. Had I resisted those experiences; I may not be here to write these words on your screen. But I trusted life. I trusted the experiences were fundamental to my soul’s evolution. Through my pain and suffering, I gained the personal growth that I now use in my writing, coaching and speaking.

I mention this to illustrate how tragedy and loss can be turned into enriching experiences for our greater growth. Returning to the question I asked you in the first paragraph. Try to answer the following questions in your diary or journal to get clear on your problems:

What are you resisting through your current experience?
What is behind your resistance? What are you choosing not to see?
What are you believing about this? Is it serving you?
Who would you be without the story?
What does the vulnerable place within you want you to know? What does it need you to understand?

Take your time and connect with your wise self as you answer them, since there may be hidden gems contained within them. Go deeper into the core of your being to discover why these experiences are affecting you. It is once we accept all that is, that we find true freedom to be ourselves once more.

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You Have To Let Go A Lot, To Unlock The Next Level In Your Life

Life Can Change At The Drop Of A Hat

“We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” — Joseph Campbell

I’d like you to reflect on the following questions and be honest with your answers. Are your plans and goals materialising as you hoped for? Are you happy with the quality of your life? If not, what would you like to improve and why? I realise these questions may be confronting for some, since you may not have given them much thought. But unless we take an inventory of our life, we cannot expect to move forward positively. Often, we needn’t acquire more knowledge, more money or resources to live a remarkable life. Whilst these things can help, there are less experienced people who are succeeding beyond their wildest dreams.

I keep coming back to the quote by Albert Einstein who said: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used to create them.” It’s an appropriate metaphor to explain why our existing reality is the result of our past thoughts and beliefs. This shouldn’t mean we should be angry or frustrated if we’re not living up to our potential. Rather, we should get curious on how to change our circumstances, no matter what we’re dealing with. It doesn’t matter what you’ve created up til now. It doesn’t matter how old you are and whether you believe your life will never improve. You must let go of these thoughts to step into the life waiting for you.

Is this an idea you’re comfortable with? Are you willing to contemplate the idea of a parallel universe that has everything you need to thrive? You needn’t know the circumstances to create this new life but start intending to move forward. I remember a wise mentor of mine who once said: “We spend the first half of our life accumulating thoughts and beliefs how life should be and the second half letting go of these thoughts to arrive at the truth.” There is great wisdom contained within this message that life will take us where it needs to. Whilst we like to believe we are in control through free will, there’s a great deal out of our control. This is a good thing because life can change at the drop of a hat in a positive and unexpected way.

Life Will Pull Us In The Direction Not Of Our Choosing

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.” — Tao Te Ching

We must let go of the notion that life follows the same trajectory of the past because life doesn’t know what it will become until we step into it. It is a new canvas we create each day and we have more power than we realise. Similarly, we mustn’t succumb to other people’s opinions of what our life should look like. Because everyone is an expert on how to live your life, yet they’re reluctant to take responsibility when it doesn’t work out as planned. So, make mistakes and learn from them quickly. Let go of blame, self-pity, and excuses. Let go of the anger and frustration because they hold you captive to the past. You want to be free of these emotions and move forward in a light-hearted way.

Am I making sense that where you are now is not indicative of where you could be? Are you comfortable with the idea that change can happen instantly and alter the course of your destiny? Whatever you believe about your life, put it on hold for now and keep moving towards the life you imagine. Spend time daily contemplating and nurturing this imagined life and don’t worry when and how it will come into existence. Your dream life may start out as a burst of imagination and your job is to fertilise it with the right thoughts. Doubts will show up, to help you decide how much you’re invested in this future. It will test your inner resolve and question whether this is something you really want. Because if it isn’t, now is the time to change it whilst you can. Each day, sit down in a quiet place and ask your soul what it wants?

What do you want your life to be or not be? Get very clear on the picture and don’t be tied to the details, but put it out there and allow the greater intelligence to work out the specifics. Focus on the imagining and creative aspects of your future life. Because lives are changed in an instant and if we are not prepared, life will pull us in a direction not of our choosing. We will lament not devoting more time to constructing the life we want. Knowing this, I’d like you to take out your phone or journal and return to the questions I asked you in the opening paragraph. You needn’t answer them all right now but give yourself a week or two to get clear on what you want your life to look like. If you’re unsure, sit with it for a while and if an impulse, intuition or thought emerges, go back to your journal and update it. It is when we let go of the life we had planned that the next level of our life will make itself known to us.

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To Fully Heal, We Must First Find Meaning In Our Trauma

Make Healing Your Responsibility

“Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.” — Denice Frogman

Each of us carries wounds from childhood. For some the pain is intense, bringing with it a sense of relived trauma. While others may not be fully aware of their wounds, even when triggered by external events. Life is difficult and complex at times. We’re not born with an instruction manual and must learn to cope with life as we go along. Has this been your experience in life? One minute, things don’t make sense and the next something comes along that you’re not prepared for? We never know what life has in store for us but we can use this to our advantage, much like a surfer anticipating the next big wave that will take them on a wild ride.

To heal the past, we must find meaning in our trauma, otherwise we become victims instead of co-creators of our life’s experience. I’ve written in earlier articles of my strained relationship with my father while growing up. He was a strict disciplinarian and I couldn’t live up to his expectations. This caused me emotional pain because nothing I did was ever good enough in his opinion. Therefore, I constantly sought to appease him to make happy. This worked for a short while, however, there was always something waiting around the corner to undermine him. I don’t intend to paint a grim picture of my father. He was a wonderful man with great qualities, but his parenting style was the opposite to my mother’s, which made it difficult to related to him as a child.

Have you experienced something similar with a parent or caregiver? No matter what you did, they were never satisfied and so you tried harder? This is the underlying basis to people pleasing, where the child tries to win the favour of their parents. Finding meaning in my emotional trauma meant forgiving my father for his heavy-handed ways. As Denise Frogman refers to in the title quote: I made healing my responsibility, even though the wounds were not my fault. It is been over two decades since my father’s passing, yet it took me years to forgive him and find meaning in my experience. It took on momentum one day during meditation when I sensed his tough disciplining was a call for me to learn self-love.

Commit To Healing The Wounds Of The Past

“When we believe a wounding story, our whole world is diminished.” — Sharon Salzberg

Excluding childhood abuse, there are often important lessons contained within our childhood experiences. Sometimes, it means excavating the past like an archaeologist and sorting through the ruins. There was an Instagram post recently that caught my attention that said: “Nobody really tells you this but sometimes the healing hurts more than the wound.” I can attest to this having worked through my healing and helped many others to heal their pain through coaching. This is where people tend to turn away and give up on themselves because the wounds are too difficult to face. Rather than run away, we ought to tune into them and make peace with what is holding us back. Is this something you’re willing to give your attention to? It is why many don’t take the journey into themselves to heal their traumas. Healing is a difficult and sometimes a long journey that requires a commitment to move through it boldly.

To find meaning in our trauma requires digging up the past and deciding what is worth keeping and what should be left behind. This can be difficult because no one wants to process pain, especially when things are going well. But if we don’t turn towards our pain with openness and compassion, it will come barrelling down on us when we least expect it. It will strike us like a cargo train out of control and all we can do is brace for impact. So, we must decide to work through it at our own pace. In doing so, we heal the past and gain new insights about our ourselves. I discovered an abiding spirit of resiliency and tenacity throughout my healing journey. I never knew I could withstand the pain until I undertook the journey into myself.

How about you? Are you willing to heal your wounds and find meaning in your trauma? Perhaps some of you are already on that journey, working through it alone or with a trained therapist. Be kind and compassionate with yourself because healing is a courageous and worthwhile gift to ourselves. Discovering the essence of who we are, beneath our scars and wounds requires us to be sensitive to our emotional needs. Because the person who emerges from the pain is not the same person who experienced it. With this in mind, I’d like you to give some attention to the following questions: Are you truly committed to healing the wounds of the past? What do you hope to achieve through the healing process? Whom do you wish to become? Are there aspects of your past too painful to confront? It is once we take bold step towards wholeness that we transcend our trauma and find meaning in our experiences.

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Everyone Is Called To Their Destiny But Not Everyone Answers

Destiny Means Purpose In Action

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.” — William Shakespeare

The concept of destiny and free has intrigued mankind for centuries. It is why I included two distinct quotes in this article from great thinkers, with opposing views. However, before we go on, I’d like you to contemplate your own view on destiny. Do you believe your life is predetermined or that you have free will to create your own circumstances? I changed my view on destiny in recent times as I delved deeper into the topic. If we believe our destiny is predetermined, are we less likely to be active participants in life? I have so many questions, it often feels like a closed loop. The more I contemplate them, the less I am able to find the answers.

One thing I know for sure, we all have a purpose in this theatre called life. Some have a greater purpose, perhaps to impact humanity, while others on a smaller scale. Irrespective of the scale, the reach of our purpose does not determine its significance. It is whether we are actively pursuing our purpose that matters. It is for this reason we cannot talk about destiny based on our current circumstances because destiny means purpose in action. What do I mean by this? I’ve written before that life doesn’t know what it will become until we step into it. Life is neutral until we decide to act. If our actions are aligned with our unconscious desires, the consequences will not be aligned with our highest good.

How do we know this? Consider the last time you took action that was not likely to benefit you? It may have involved entering a relationship that was doomed from the start or taking out a loan you couldn’t repay. Whilst these examples may seem trivial, I use them to highlight how our greater self knows the right path to live a purposeful life. When we veer off the path, we experience heartache, pain and suffering. Whilst these may seem undesirable conditions, they are learning points to create experiences fundamental to our greater good.

Destiny Is What We Create As We Go Along

“Whatever may happen to you was prepared for you from all eternity; and the implication of causes was from eternity spinning the thread of your being.” — Marcus Aurelius

Can you identify with this narrative in your own life where you knew something wasn’t good for you and it failed? To cite a personal example, I gained a Bachelor of Arts in Fashion many years ago, since my father was a tailor and I believed it was my calling. However, after finishing my degree and working in the fashion industry, I realised it was not my destiny because I no longer enjoyed the work. At the same time, I embarked on self-enquiry and realised I had pursued this career to appease my father. My unconscious will had directed the course of my destiny and I chalked it up to fate. It what the father of psychoanalysis Carl Jung meant when he said: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Years later when I discovered writing, coaching and speaking as my true vocation, I realised my earlier choice was based on my unresolved childhood wounds. However, all was not lost, since I gained valuable lessons and skills such in creativity, which I now use to write books. So, everyone is called to their destiny but not everyone answers because they believe their destiny should be different. For example, I’ve spoken with people who settle in relationships since they are ruled by low self-worth. They talk about being dragged along by life and find themselves in a place they no longer want to be. But we have a choice, yet to exercise our choices can be difficult. This is where our beliefs and childhood programs impede whether we move forward towards our destiny.

The destiny I speak of here is not a predetermined destiny carved in stone. Perhaps I will be proven wrong one day, but for now our destiny is what we create as we go along. And what assurances do we have that we are living our true destiny and not our unconscious beliefs? The universe is purposeful in every regard and even though we cannot see the entire puzzle, we ought to trust we are moving in the right direction. In that regard, we are all called to our destiny because of our existence and some of us will make more mistakes than others. Some people suffer more than others. Some lead notable lives while others lead lives of obscurity. However, it isn’t how we live, as much as the contribution we make to that life.

There are individuals who have been persecuted and endured immense suffering and established worthwhile causes to help others. Their suffering became the springboard for the salvation of others. So being called to our destiny involves being an active participant in our life’s journey instead of feeling victimised by a cruel universe. With this in mind, I’d like you to give some thought to your role within the framework of your destiny. Are you an active participant of your circumstances or do you feel dragged along by life? At some point, we must stop to examine our past to create a purposeful destiny.

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Book Review: Find Your Flow by Sarah Gregg

I was recently sent an advanced copy of author Sarah Gregg’s latest book, Find Your Flow: The Simple And Life Changing Practice For A Happier You. I came to know Sarah in recent times and discovered how much we had in common through our shared work. In full disclosure, I was not asked to write this review but offered to do so because the content of the book resonated with me. I have been familiar with flow as studied by the Hungarian-American psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, which Gregg references in her book. Most recently, the associate Prof of computer science at Georgetown University, Cal Newport wrote about the pitfalls of distraction in his book: Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World.

Being productive is not enough to sustain us in these times. We need to focus on quality work or deep work, as Cal Newport puts it. Sarah Gregg’s book calls our attention to flow states in which she focuses on several areas of flow throughout our day, including: Morning Flow, Forward Focus, Total Flow and Night-Time Reflection. I enjoyed the relaxed and delightful manner in which the book is written. I received a hardback colour copy of the book, with an embossed front cover and enchanting inner pages that are creatively designed. The subtle colours and themes for each section evoke a Zen-like quality and I found myself reading the book in one sitting.

Similarly, I was drawn to the journal and summary towards the end of the book, which is a clever use of summarising the main points. The journal entries allow you to write your Morning Grateful Flow, Forward Focus: your high value priorities and your High Flow priorities. There is also a section to journal your ideal day which Gregg calls, Total Flow and a Night-Time Reflection section. What I most enjoyed about the book is the way in which the author draws on her own experience and interweaves it with current research in the field. There is a detailed footnotes section at the end of the book for those interested in the cited research.

In my practice as a motivational coach and author, I often come across people who struggle with deadlines and achieving their goals. My impression is that many of them find it difficult to be productive. It is this distraction that gets the better of us because we compromise our work to the smaller distractions that vie for our attention. Gregg’s book is a perfect reminder that being productive is not enough to achieve our goals and highest ambitions. We must be purposeful and intentional with our day and create sound habits to fall back on, whilst creating time to examine our underlying purpose.

I highly recommend Find Your Flow: The Simple And Life Changing Practice For A Happier You, particularly if you find it difficult to focus your time and energy to important tasks. It is when we learn to embody flow that we will gain better control of our lives and focus on what truly matters. We must avoid being distracted by circumstances that are not worth our time and effort. We have so many hours in the day and with the constant distraction of electronic devices, many of us find it difficult to be purposeful and intentional about our day. Gregg’s book is a reminder how to rediscover the joy of directing our attention through the power of flow.

The book is available for purchase in hardback via the Quarto Knows website.

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Those Who Test And Trigger You The Most, Will Set You Free

Sometimes We Cannot Escape Healing Ourselves

“You can experience the magic of turning toward yourself when you get triggered and listening to what is being revealed, giving your reactions the accepting attention they need to transform.” — Mary O’Malley

Take a moment to think of someone in your life that triggers negative emotions within you. I realise it may be unpleasant, but notice the emotions that arise when you think of this person. Whilst it is difficult to understand, this person is pointing you towards your healing. They are a messenger to help you identify your emotional wounds. I too have such people in my life and whilst I continue to work through my emotional pain, I can see the gift this experience brings to my life. Healing takes place in layers and often requires revisiting something we thought we had transformed. People often ask me: “How will I know when I have healed my emotional wounds?” When the person no longer inflames the emotions, they once triggered.

As I write this article, I have an image in my mind of a Band-Aid removed from an area of the body when healing has taken place. The reason this person provokes you is that you associate them with your wounds. For example, if the person triggers anger in you, you are likely to believe: “This person makes me angry.” But they are not the source of your anger, they are the trigger for the anger already present within you. Does this make sense? Can you see how they are not responsible for your anger because the anger was there in the first place? I’m not suggesting it is your fault because we all carry emotional wounds. Those who heal deal with their wounds instead of allowing them to grow and fester, eventually find peace and harmony.

Sometimes, we cannot escape our own healing because we have no other choice than to deal with it. We may run away from the negative emotions or avoid those that trigger our wounds, but eventually another person will activate the very thing we are avoiding. We must experience the healing and invest our time to transform our wounds, to liberate ourselves from the darkness. You may ask: What does it mean to emotionally heal from a situation? Why do we want to heal our negative emotions? Healing means making peace with our darkness (shadows) and fragmented parts, by integrating them into the wholeness of our true nature. It means looking at them through the lens of compassion, and love so past traumatic experiences no longer dominate our emotional landscape. It requires resolving anything from our past that prevents us living a joyous and rich life.

Running Away From Negative Emotions

“Often, little situations trigger enormous reactions. Be there, present for it. Your partner will find it easier to see it in you, and you will find it easier to see it in them.” — Eckhart Tolle

Sometimes we don’t know what is holding us back from living a wonderful life until we confront our demons. Is this something you’ve experienced before? Have you hit a point where the only way to heal your emotions is to face them directly? Emotionally healing means to liberate ourselves from the negativity associated with the emotions. So, if anger is our core wound from childhood, we will carry it around and when someone activates it, we retaliate and go to war with them. We blame the other person for hurting us when they are merely the trigger, and if you follow the trail, they will help set you free. They are your liberator, if you are willing to go to the source and transform it.

It is difficult carrying our emotional wounds because it becomes burdensome and we may experience an emotional crisis or worse still, a breakdown. For some people, they will run away from their negative emotions their entire life and blame outside circumstances for their pain and suffering. Whereas, the core wound has been within them this whole time, like an animal with a thorn in its paw lashing out at those who help it. But we are not animals, we are sentiment beings with higher reasoning and logical brains. Therefore, those who test and trigger us the most will help set us free, if we are willing to do the work on ourselves. If not, we will find every excuse to be victims and blame those who expose our negative emotions.

But as mentioned earlier, they are messengers pointing you towards healing and transforming your wounds. I’ve written in an earlier article, how the work is never easy and sometimes it will ebb and flow. It will push and pull us and just when we think we’ve had enough, it will yank at us another time. We may be exhausted, angry and even disillusioned, yet this is when we will experience realisations and awakenings in the periods that follow. I’ve been fortunate to heal and transform many core wounds from my childhood and whilst I wouldn’t want to go through the process again, the triggers no longer dominate my life. The negative emotions do not own me because I have made peace with them and seen them for what they are; a smokescreen protecting my egoic self. So, whatever emotional triggers are present in your life, instead of blaming others, trace the pain back to your earliest recollection as a child and gradually heal the wound because your emotional freedom is worth it.

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Your Work Is Never Done Because You Are Constantly Evolving

We All Experience Hardship In Different Ways

“I am prepared to evolve. The question is, are you?”—Mother Nature

No matter how hard you try, your work will never be done. How do you feel about this? Does it worry you? You see, working on ourselves is a long and difficult process that may take an entire lifetime but it will never be complete. I don’t mean to terrify you so you think the work is not important. In fact, working on yourself is more important than ever, especially given the times we are living. The world longs for strong leadership to stand for what is morally right. We can see this across the globe where citizens are staging protests against governments declaring their rights.

I’m reminded of the Greek philosopher Heraclitus who said: “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” He was saying that we are constantly evolving and who we were yesterday is not the same person we are today, nor will be tomorrow. What we know today is built on what we knew earlier and we cannot go back to the same way of living. Personal growth is an evolving process and even if you read one book a year and implement one piece of wisdom, the effects are far reaching. Life presents us with experiences and lessons to become whom we’re meant to be. Unfortunately, we don’t know who that person is when we experience hardships, challenges and setbacks, yet we trust these experiences are showing up for our highest good.

Knowing this, what life-changing experiences have you endured? What lessons did you learn that transformed your life? Not everyone experiences change, and I recall years ago working with people who had overcome cancer. Several of them were happy to put the experience behind them and go back to living a normal life. Yet, others experienced profound awakenings and realisations that changed their life. Similarly, I have worked with people who were involved in life threatening car accidents and are fortunate to be alive, while other survivors blame the experience for their scars. I’m not condemning these people but showing you we all experience hardship in different ways.

Merging With A Higher Version Of Ourselves

“We will not find the inner strength to evolve to a higher level if we do not inwardly develop this profound feeling that there is something higher than ourselves.”—Rudolf Steiner

Our work is never done because there is always something to heal, something to transform, something to make peace with and something to learn. I found this to be the case in the last decade with my own personal development. When I thought I had learned forgiveness for example, life will present me with an opportunity to practice it with a person who is hard to forgive. We are always learning and developing insights on our life’s journey. The key is to keep moving forward, even though there are times we are drowning in our setbacks and disappointments. I know, I’ve been there and pleaded for a lifeline. My circumstances didn’t change but my inner resolve and capacity to deal with my experiences did.

Are you comfortable with the idea about not cramming your life’s lessons into this lifetime? It doesn’t mean taking a relaxed approach with our personal growth, it means not being fixated on the goal since there is no destination to get to. The journey and the experiences become the focal point, to become the person you were born to be. Life isn’t about arriving at a destination, it is about the evolution of our soul and merging with a higher version of ourselves. Life and Mother Nature are giving in so many ways and it makes sense if we are the expression of life, we must also be of service to others.

With this in mind, I’d like you to give some thought to the areas of your life where you are not evolving. Where you are stagnant? What do you think is holding you back? Is it true or could it be your perception? Sometimes, what we believe is holding us back is not the case and there are other avenues to explore. It means changing our opinion and looking at it through the lens of empowerment instead of victimhood. For example, if your life is not progressing as you like, what is life trying to teach you? Is it patience? Is it appreciating your self-worth? There is always something to learn, even in unfavourable circumstances. When we experience the same experience, it is a message to learn an important insight before the experience is transformed. So try not to bemoan your situation but get curious on what the experience is trying to teach you. After all, your work will never be done as long as you are alive because you are continually evolving into the person you are meant to become.

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