Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 15

You Can’t Get It All Done, So Stop Putting That Burden On Yourself

Don’t Put Pressure On Yourself To Succeed

“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” — Arthur Ashe

Are you constantly frustrated with a growing list of things to accomplish in your life? Do you get a sense that no matter how hard you try; you can never get it done? I’m not talking about a list of things to do, but of goals and plans. Here’s the thing: you will never get it all done, so stop placing that burden on yourself. We often place top priority on wanting to achieve certain goals, such as being in a romantic relationship, getting a job promotion or moving to a different city. We feel that by achieving these things, it will change our life or increase our happiness. But sometimes the pursuit of our goals can cause more disappointment than the success of achieving them.

Similarly, many people who embark on personal growth set out to change their life and become disappointed when they meet with resistance and lack of change. It is discouraging when you’ve spent months or years changing a behaviour without seeing significant results. I’ve been actively pursuing personal development for over fifteen years and experienced significant disappointments along the way. I’m not claiming to be further along that anyone else because our journey is a lifelong mission. However, there comes a point when you invest enough time and effort to create a solid foundation of wisdom and clarity. The message is simple: placing demands on how far along we should be in our life, puts pressure on ourselves to succeed.

Are you satisfied, your journey is different to others and you mustn’t compare yourself, even when things aren’t working out? Contained within your failures are important lessons intended to help you grow and expand. It is when you stop doing the work that things slip backwards. Clearly, you are reading this because you are invested in your personal development or interested in the message this article has to convey. The journey of personal growth is not about achieving our goals, but growing into the person pursuing the goal. I liken it to someone who runs 10 miles every day but never enters a marathon. Yes, they will get fitter, but if they don’t intend to compete in a race, they will have achieved their results regardless because they are showing up to do the work.

Growth Is Seldom Linear

“You can always tell your true values by looking at your behaviour, especially under pressure.” — Brian Tracy

No matter your goal, you will likely make mistakes along the way and experience failure. But these are turning points that decide whether you reach your goal and who you become. I’ve coached hundreds of people over the last decade, who set out to achieve big goals. Many of my clients achieved them, yet some discovered an emptiness inside because their goals were not tied to a greater purpose. Some people’s goals were not altruistic but self-serving, based on what they believed would make them happy. Some were material goals, without a clear intent for pursuing them.

So, we ought to do what we can today, even if it is the smallest task. The key is to show up consistently and not drop the ball. If we miss the opportunity to attend to our goals, we must try again tomorrow because trying is more important to our self-esteem than quitting. Even defeat and failure serve a purpose, and we can learn to harness these negative states instead of feeling disempowered by them. Similarly, we can choose a Growth mindset over a Fixed mindset. Whatever we decide, it will dictate how we move forward towards our goals. Is this making sense? Are you getting the impression it isn’t about getting it all done, but attending to the smallest task consistently? Growth is not linear, nor does it follow a projected pattern. Growth is cyclical like ocean tides. Sometimes, the tides are bigger and violent and other times small and tranquil. Yet, the intensity of our lessons does not decide the level of our achievement.

For example, tides are governed by the gravitational pull of the moon. They are influenced by the shoreline and shape of the bay, and local wind and weather patterns. Therefore, we cannot draw a conclusion on tide patterns because they will vary. The same is true of our personal growth; sometimes, we will make significant progress to improve our life, yet other times things will appear stagnant, as though we are stuck. I’ve seen this in my personal development, where I was getting ahead and things were moving along perfectly and then suddenly nothing! There would be periods where nothing happened, no matter how hard I tried. I was stuck, but that was not the case. I was being called to integrate my earlier lessons and use the downtime wisely before moving on.

So, whether you are working on personal change, appreciate that growth is seldom linear. It will rise and fall like ocean tides. When you learn a new lesson, a downturn will often follow to cement your understanding so you can focus on your personal growth. Don’t worry about what will come next because the next tide will soon arrive and depending on what you have done in the earlier period, it will decide your next move. So, for now, spend some time examining three areas of your life where you feel you’re not achieving your goals? Journal the lessons learned from your experience. What is life asking you to learn? Are you willing to be patient and focus on integrating these lessons into your life? It is when we stop putting the burden on ourselves to get it all done that everything will be achieved, in an easy and effortless way.

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Stop Forcing Things To Happen And Relax Into The Knowing, It Is Already Happening For You

It’s Already Happening For You Behind The Scenes

“Life is a battlefield of broken dreams and pieced-together victories.” — Terri Guillemets

What are you trying to make happen in your life right now? Is it a relationship you’re hoping will develop into something more, or a business venture? Whatever it is, I want you to get a sense of the emotions felt when you think about the situation. I’m not denying what you feel, but I’d like to help you explore another way to get what you want without forcing it to happen. You probably know that forcing things to happen seldom works out. In fact, the more we push and strive, the less it happens for us. Many people give up at this point and turn their attention to something else, which is when their desires manifest.

Can you identify with this? I have a fond memory of this experience in my 20s, following my graduation from design school. I completed a Bachelor of Arts in Fashion and was keen to work for a particular luxury fashion house in my state. I sent repeated letters, enquiring about a potential career within the organisation, yet nothing came of it. This went on for two years, and eventually I grew despondent and stopped pursuing it. Within the space of six months, I received a letter from the marketing manager, saying she had kept my letters on file and there was a position opening up that would suit me. She invited me in for an interview and I immediately got the position! I couldn’t believe my luck because I was adamant that if I did nothing to chase this opportunity, it wouldn’t eventuate. Earlier on, I was trying too hard to force things to happen, which worked against me.

Whilst I realise it’s difficult to put into practice, we must learn to relax about how life develops. Chasing and striving are signs of desperation because it communicates an energy of lack. What I’m saying is: it’s already happening for you behind the scenes, when you allow yourself to relax. Life is an intricate system, with millions of processes taking place beyond our senses. Sometimes, when nothing is happening, it is because there’s a hive of activity occurring behind the scenes. So, when things go quiet in my life, I get excited because I know the universe is planning something wonderful. Think of a chef working in the kitchen without a sound and then suddenly, they come up with an exquisite meal in no time.

Coming From A Place Of Non-Resistance And Trust

“Life is like sailing. You can use any wind to go in any direction.” — Robert Brault

The universe functions according to its own framework, which can be likened to an intricate web, governed by universal laws. When we assume things aren’t working out, we are not seeing the entire picture unfolding in the backdrop of our lives. With this in mind, are you content to relax and know it’s already happening for you? Could you allow yourself to drop into this knowing and trust you are taken care of? I know it’s difficult to believe when you don’t see things happening in your physical world. But I’m inviting you to trust the process because when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. Life takes on a new perspective because our old paradigms are not working. This is what Albert Einstein meant when he said: “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them in the first place.” We must develop a new consciousness in which to overcome our problems.

A carpenter cannot build a house using kitchen utensils. I know I’m stating the obvious here, but they must use the correct tools and building practices to assemble a home that complies with building regulations. The same is true for bringing to life our deepest desires. The tools of our trade are our thoughts and emotions, which means learning to collaborate with harness them into our desires. So how does this practice work in actual life because I get asked this question often by coaching clients? It involves the art of detachment, meaning separating our desires from wanting them to happen a certain way. We become less invested whether or not they happen because we trust the universe to bring us what we need according to its timeline, not ours. The psychiatrist and consciousness researcher Dr David Hawkins captures this idea in his book Letting Go where he writes: “In a freer state, that which is chosen manifests in our life effortlessly. We surrender the emotion of desire and, instead, merely choose the goal, picture it lovingly, and allow it to happen because we see that it is already ours.”

Operating from a place of non-resistance is a wonderful way to live because we allow life to unfold as it should, instead of pushing for it to happen. Therefore, your romantic interest requires detaching yourself from an intended outcome and relax into the knowing that whether the relationship develops, it is fine either way. This is when your life will soar because things will happen for you when you come from a place of non-resistance and trust. We can summarise this principle in the following way: Trust = Love. So, we ought to trust and have faith life is already happening for us, but not in the way we expect. Knowing this, as a journal prompt, list three areas of your life where you are trying too hard? Could you learn to trust things will work out for your highest good, even if it doesn’t look that way now? Life is functioning exactly as it should and will bring us what we desire, as long as we align our thoughts with universal intent. It is when you recognise life is already happening for you that everything you need will arrive beyond your wildest dreams.

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When You Stop Naming Or Labelling Negative Situations, Life Makes More Sense

Look For The Gifts And Lessons

“But then again, maybe bad things happen because it’s the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like.” — Jodi Picoult

Think of a current negative situation you are wrestling with? It might be related to a relationship, finances, health or something close and personal to you. I’m not discounting the strength of your emotions but inviting you to resist labelling the situation as negative for now. Having endured countless challenges over the years, what seemed as a negative experience resulted in the greatest contribution to my personal growth. Later, as the pieces of the puzzle came together, I could see how things were working perfectly for my greater good.

I don’t know why bad things happen, sometimes to good people. For example, the loving husband or wife tragically hit by a drunk driver is paralysed for life. The elderly couple who loses their life savings to an unscrupulous investor. The only child who succumbs to cancer. I am as curious as you are why these things happen, but I’ve discovered it is pointless trying to make sense of it. Instead, we ought to look at how these experiences can enhance our growth. I believe there is a God, not a religious God depicted by mainstream religion but a universal and creative energy field functioning as God. This infinite field is contained within everything in the universe. You may wish to call it source, universe or nothing at all, that’s fine, but it helps to believe in a greater force co-creating our life in the background.

I mention this because with the death of my father and my illness two decades ago; I believe this energy field is present in every experience, whether good or bad. When we label an experience as negative, we are taking a snapshot of what is taking place then. We don’t have a clue what will follow or whether things will improve. For example, if you receive a speeding ticket, it makes sense to label the experience as negative. But what if there’s a greater reason for receiving the speeding ticket that becomes clearer later on? The British writer Alan Watts wrote: “The whole process of nature is an integrated process of immense complexity, and it’s really impossible to tell whether anything that happens in it is good or bad.”

This idea is further illustrated in the story of the Chinese farmer: Once upon a time, there was a Chinese farmer whose horse ran away. That evening, his neighbours came over to commiserate. They said: “We are sorry to hear your horse has run away. This is most unfortunate.” The farmer said: “Maybe.” The next day, the horse came back bringing seven wild horses with it and in the evening, the neighbours returned and said: “Oh, isn’t that lucky. What a great turn of events. You now have eight horses!” The farmer again exclaimed: “Maybe.” The following day, his son tried to break one of the horses and while riding it, was thrown off and broke his leg. The neighbours then said: “Oh dear, that’s too bad” and the farmer again responded: “Maybe.” The next day, the conscription officers came to conscript people into the army and rejected his son because he had a broken leg. Again, the neighbours came over and said: “Isn’t that great!” Again, he said: “Maybe.”

Life Is A Self-Organising System

“I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.” — Hermann Hesse

The fundamental aspect, as Alan Watts refers to, is that nature is an integrated process of immense complexity and we cannot tell whether anything is good or bad until the picture is complete. Even events that occur in this lifetime, which we consider negative, could be useful to the next generation. It is why we mustn’t label experiences as negative, but look for the lessons and growth within those experiences. Are you comfortable with this idea so far? I hope you’re open to the idea that life is conspiring for you, even if it doesn’t look that way sometimes. I’m neither asking you to change your mind nor forcing you to adopt a belief that you’re not comfortable with. I’m merely inviting you to dip your toe in the possibility that life, the universe, source, God or whatever you call it, is supporting you beyond the realm of possibility.

Life can be complex and also simple, and it’s difficult to know how to live according to this understanding. But we must resist naming and labelling situations as negative because we set ourselves up for disappointment. We create the perception of life being against us, where in fact, life is flowing through us. It requires stepping back from the drama and searching for the lessons and important growth contained within our experiences. So, I ask you: can you give yourself the gift of looking at your current misfortune, through the lens of growth? Are you willing to stop labelling situations as negative and ask: “What does the greater part of me need to learn from this experience?” Ask yourself: “Why am I being presented with this experience and whom do I need to become to overcome it?”

Ultimately, we can choose to see our experiences as good or bad, but that is a limiting view. Because life is a self-organising system, we ought to relax into the knowingness that things will often resolve themselves with little interference from us. If we add a limiting belief to what is taking place, we add more muck to a dirty lens. But if we take the view that although things appear unpleasant now, we are willing to look for the lessons and change our perception of what is taking place. Ask life to show you why this experience is happening and who you will become because of it. Only then will you transcend every negative situation and life will make more sense.

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How To Feel And Heal Your Negative Emotions

Transforming Emotional Wounds

“The remnants of pain left behind by every strong negative emotion that is not fully faced, accepted, and then let go of join together to form an energy field that lives in the very cells of your body.” — Eckhart Tolle

When did you last experience a negative emotion and how did you feel? Was it fear, anxiety, guilt, anger or something else? Having identified the emotion, how did you deal with it? Did you experience it completely? Or did you antagonise with the emotion? It’s fair to say, many people are unaccustomed to dealing with negative emotions because we are not taught how to process them. To compound matters, we receive instructions from parents or guardians that it’s unsafe to express our negative emotions and so we conceal them, hoping they will disappear. But we both know negative emotions rarely disappear but come back with greater force, if left unexamined.

So how can we better deal with our negative emotions? Why do we experience them in the first place and what point do they serve? It’s important to realise that negative emotions can offer insights us into ourselves. I must be clear: I use the term ‘negative’ emotion to distinguish it from a ‘positive’ emotion. The term ‘negative’ doesn’t imply the emotion is bad or shouldn’t be experienced. Negative emotions are useful emotions and shouldn’t be labelled as bad, otherwise we miss out on the messages they convey. Stowing away negative emotions is like turning up the heat of boiling water and expecting it not to overflow and cause fire and damage. This happens when we push down negative emotions, instead of processing them.

I’ve spent the better part of a decade processing my emotions on a deeper level. I wrote a book about transforming our emotional wounds titled Awaken Your Authentic Self. Therefore, to heal our negative emotions, we must feel them not ignore or push them away. When I talk about feeling our emotions, I’m referring to being with ourselves and processing them through somatic awareness. Therefore, if you are triggered by a negative emotion such as anger, create time to recall the emotion, placing your awareness on the physical sensations created in your body.

Processing Stored Emotional Pain

“This is a very important practice. Live your daily life in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

There are many teachers working in this area, who approach emotional healing from different perspectives, including a psychotherapy-based approach, CBT, mindfulness-based approach or a combination of Eastern and Western approaches. One of my favourite teachers is Tara Brach, who uses the R.A.I.N. method, which stands for Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. Tara’s method is one of many you can find in well-resourced books, so I encourage you to do some research if it interests you. Similarly, if you are working with trauma-based emotions, it would best serve you doing it under the guidance of a trained mental health therapist.

So, how do we experience negative emotions in a healthy manner? What follows is a general guideline to process emotions safely. This is important because it decouples the emotions in our physical body, allowing the nervous system (mind-body) to process them.

1. First, create a safe sanctuary to process the negative emotions. Don’t try this exercise with music blaring or knowing text or phone calls will distract you.

2. Shift into a comfortable seated position and take a few deep breaths. This can be done on a chair or on the floor. Be sure you are well hydrated and avoid consuming caffeine before the exercise, as it will intensify your emotional reaction.

3. Focus on a negative emotion you want to process. It might be anger, fear, anxiety, shame or guilt or whatever is important to you.

4. Allow the emotion to arise and shift your attention to the area of your body where the emotion lives. It might be your chest, abdomen, throat or somewhere else in your body.

5. Observe the emotion and notice any thoughts or images that surface. Don’t follow them, but return to the negative emotion in your body.

6. Continue taking deep breaths if the emotion feels overwhelming. This allows it to move through you, instead of remaining stuck in your body.

7. Remember: it takes an emotion 2 ½ minutes to move through your nervous system, according to neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor.

8. Identify the negative emotion by giving it a shape, colour, or intensity. For example, is it blistering hot or ice-cold? Recently, whilst undertaking this practice, I identified hopelessness as an emotion I wanted to process and recall it being ice cold and hollow.

9. Once you’ve identified the negative emotion, sit with it until you feel the emotional intensity diminish. This may take a few minutes or longer, but don’t rush the process. It is like sitting with another person, listening to them speak. You wouldn’t leave or interrupt them, and the same is true of processing negative emotions.

Finally, I encourage you to undertake this practice daily, if you truly seek inner peace and freedom. It can be one of the most liberating practices because it allows us to experience ourselves intimately. People have reported healing long-standing physical illnesses, pains and aches in their body. However, it is not a guarantee you will heal physical symptoms, but by processing stored emotional pain, you may find your physical symptoms settle. Again, I encourage you to work with a trained mental health therapist, and a trusted health-care provider, if you’re experiencing physical symptoms or illnesses that require medical attention. This practice is a wonderful way to become intimate with ourselves and process the pain and wounds of the past, so we can liberate ourselves once more.

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Why Life Has More To Offer Us, Than We Could Ever Imagine

An Alternative Reality Beyond Our Senses

“Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.” — Unknown

What are your predominant beliefs about life? There’s no right or wrong answer, but it’s important we know our beliefs about how life functions. Would you agree, what you believe determines your reality? I ask these questions because our beliefs are the canvas upon which we paint the masterpiece of our life. Our beliefs are the repositories of our past and existing reality. We gain great insights into ourselves when we are aware of our beliefs, since it is the foundation upon which we build our life. Similarly, we are unaware of the unlimited possibilities and opportunities available to us; beyond our senses.

Life is an intricate web, functioning perfectly and cohesively. What may look like disorder and dysfunction is actually a well-ordered system, working on its own accord. For example, how do the planets know the precise order to orbit one another in the solar system? How does the human body function tirelessly, with its thousands of intricate biological processes? Yes, things may go astray with our physical health, however, I don’t believe this is Mother Nature’s fault, as much a fault in our thinking. Life has so much to offer us, and we are accessing a tiny portion of what is possible.

Do you agree we live in a loving universe? Or do you believe the universe is a hostile place? It requires examining your beliefs and deciding whether you are open to changing them. In my 20s and for the better part of my early 30s, I believed the universe was a hostile place. I was convinced, my problems resulted from my wrong doings and life was getting back at me. Naturally, I worked on shifting my views and over time I changed my beliefs. I’m not asking you to change your beliefs but consider an alternative reality is possible, beyond your senses. I invite you to dip your toe in the possibility of this reality composed of love, kindness and compassion. It requires activating our inner wisdom to align with this benevolent power.

Life Has More To Offer Us

“What if you gave someone a gift, and they neglected to thank you for it – would you be likely to give them another? Life is the same way. In order to attract more of the blessings that life has to offer, you must truly appreciate what you already have.” — Unknown

If I’m to share one piece of wisdom gained over the years, it is this: everything you see and experience is not what it seems. Your hardships, disappointments, setbacks and challenges are not intended to minimise you but awaken you to your authentic power. Changing our beliefs helps us experience a different reality, already present but concealed from our level of awareness. Therefore, as we expand our consciousness, we realise the true nature of our reality. We recognise our challenges and disappointments uncover the essence of who we truly are; spiritual beings having an earthly experience. We begin to experience better circumstances based on our level of consciousness. To prove this point, think of a life-changing experience that took place 10 or 15 years ago. Try to get a sense of how you thought about what took place and compare it to how you think about it now. Would it be fair to say you’ve changed your perception of the event?

Sure, you might say the passing of time has allowed you to heal the emotional wounds. What if the level of growth you experienced over the years, was the key factor in seeing this situation differently? What I’m trying to say is: when we expand our mind, we move from pain and disappointment, to joy and freedom. We cannot hurry this process any more than hoping we fall in love with a new love interest. But we can surrender our thoughts to the universe and invite the truth about reality to fill its place. We can drop our resistance and mental anguish and ask life to show us what we need to learn. We can surrender to life because we are the expression of life. We are part of this intricate ecosystem and it helps when we collaborate with this energetic force, instead of resist it.

Knowing this, I invite you to consider areas of your life that haven’t been smooth sailing lately. Putting aside the current pandemic, write a list of beliefs you hold about your troubles or disappointments. For example, if it relates to a relationship, you might hold the belief your future partner must look a certain way, come from a certain background or ethnicity, be educated etc. Examine whether you’re willing to surrender your thoughts about it and ask the universe to show you what you really want in a relationship. Is it love, commitment, trust, honesty, kindness and compassion, etc? If so, focus on the feelings these qualities evoke within you. Imagine what this person would be like in actual life. Paint a picture of yourself being with them and visualise it daily. Align with the possibility, this relationship already exists, and it is a matter of calling it into existence. It requires being aligned with the emotional energy of your desires, to bring it forth into your reality. After all, life has more to offer when we expand our awareness of what is possible. When we open our mind and our heart to this creative intelligence, the true source of our supply will flow into our life.

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How To Let Go Of Resisting Difficult Feelings

Make Peace With Your Difficult Emotions

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it.” — Nicholas Sparks

What emotions do you repeatedly struggle with? It is anger, shame, anxiety, fear or others? This year has been a year like no other, that exposed our negative emotions. However, if we don’t deal with them, we are likely to re-experience them at a later time. It is easy to escape difficult emotions because who wants to face them time after time? But they can hold important messages, and when they keep re-emerging, it is a sign we need to heal or transform something in our life. The pain and suffering we experience are only a danger when they are at a distance from us. What do I mean by this? Our painful emotions are a danger because from a distance they cause us pain and suffering. But what if we become intimate with these feelings, instead of pushing them away?

That is, we get to know them on a deeper level, so we stop fighting and resisting them. For example, have you ever judged someone from afar, perhaps someone you didn’t like? Then, you got to know them and discovered they weren’t what you imagined? In fact, they were pleasant and likeable. The same thing happens when we befriend our difficult emotions. We invite painful feelings to come closer and in doing so, drop our resistance to them. Suddenly, they are no longer as frightening or overwhelming as we once thought.

When you make peace with your difficult emotions, they no longer have a grip on you and you discover joy and freedom in your life. This freedom was always there, but the difficult emotions obscured it. After all, painful emotions can’t control you when you are intimate with them because the role of an emotion is to move through you, not get stuck in your mind and body. Yet, many people unknowingly hold on to negative emotions for years, even decades. In earlier articles, I mentioned the neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor, who says an emotion takes two-and-a-half minutes to move through our nervous system.

Knowing this, it makes sense we get to know our emotions on a deeper level, instead of ignore them. So, to stop resisting difficult feelings, inhabit your body when they arise. For example, if you had a heated exchange with a friend or loved one and you experienced fear and anger, move into the area of your body where these emotions are present and sit with them. Be with them until the emotion dissolves and you will discover an expansive energy of love, joy and freedom. People often ask me: how long does it take to be free of negative emotions? Will it come back once I’ve done this exercise?

Heal And Transform The Pain Of Your Past

“Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings – always darker, emptier and simpler.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

As mentioned earlier, it takes two-and-a-half minutes for an emotion to be processed through our nervous system. However, if we’ve ignored our difficult emotions for years, it may take longer to process them. There have been times I’ve experienced anxiety that lasted 30 seconds and other times, I experienced anger that lasted 30 minutes. It will depend on how long the emotion has been alive in our nervous system and whether we are willing to face it. Remember: difficult emotions teach us important lessons that we have ignored. They shine a light on something that requires our attention, otherwise they will reappear, perhaps as a disease or illness, if we are not mindful.

Are you satisfied that difficult feelings don’t have to dominate your life? That you can make peace with them and learn the lessons they’re trying to impart? It’s worth getting this idea, so you are not destined to repeat the same mistakes. To paint another analogy, what if someone continually showed up to your front door, and you didn’t answer? They might show up again until you open the door to see who it is. This is what happens with our difficult emotions. They keep returning and we turn them away because we don’t want to deal with them. But we must learn to embrace our negative emotions because they can help us learn about our past, so we don’t recreate it in the future.

So, if you’ve had a history of bad relationships with previous partners, pushing away your negative emotions may cause them to re-emerge in your next relationship. After all, you want to be in a healthy and loving relationship with a similar minded person, don’t you? Then, it requires healing and transforming the pain of your past, so you don’t recycle it in your next relationship. Otherwise, we will carry our emotional baggage from the past and unload it on our future partner, claiming it is their fault for triggering our painful wounds. But it is not their fault because the wound was already present and your partner is merely shining the light on the wound so you can heal and transform it. Therefore, to stop resisting your difficulties feelings, be open to the messages they carry and you will come to realise, everything has been working out perfectly for your highest good.

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The Power Of Letting Go. How This Year Taught Us To Surrender Control

Surrender Means Conceding Control

 “Surrender is like a fish finding the current and going with it.” — Mark Nepo

There is immense power in letting go of control, and 2020 will be remembered as the year that taught us that. I know about holding on. My father’s death to illness and facing my mortality meant I tried to control every facet of my life, out of fear. This year life taught me the power of letting go and the grace that comes with it. I feel relieved not having to control every aspect of my life anymore. It felt strange at first because I was fearful things would spiral out of control. However, I wasn’t in control anyway, and this pandemic reinforced that. This year, I faced my fears and surrendered to the unknown. Every day, I made a vow to let go of situations, thoughts and beliefs I’ve held on to for years.

The result has been life changing, for in surrendering, my life improved. Just to be clear, this is not a life crisis but a gradual awakening that has been developing in my consciousness for years. This pandemic has been the catalyst to surrender control of our lives. Author of The Untethered Soul, Michael A. Singer wrote a book titled: The Surrender Experiment: My Journey into Life’s Perfection in which he writes: “I clearly remember deciding that from now on if life was unfolding in a certain way, and the only reason I was resisting it was because of a personal preference, I would let go of my preference and let life be in charge.”

The notion of surrender is a tough concept for many to grasp because who are we surrendering to? What about you? Has this year taught you important life lessons? Whatever they are, there’s a significant shift taking place throughout the world. For me, surrender requires dropping the mental chatter about situations, events, people or beliefs I’ve held on to for years. Like Michael Singer, I experimented with letting go and experienced positive results. But what does surrender look like? Surrender means conceding control to a greater intelligence, whom I call God. You might call it Source, The Universe, Mother Earth, Divinity, etc. It doesn’t matter what label you affix to it, as long as you let go of control.

The Gift Of Healing And Transforming Your Life

“The moment of surrender is not when life is over, it’s when it begins.” — Marianne Williamson

The act of surrender is more important than what we call the source of intelligence. This is not about invoking religion but recognising a greater energy permeating throughout our lives. To demonstrate this, when I retire to bed at night, I often review the day before falling asleep. I contemplate how things could have gone wrong, such as being involved in a car accident or losing loved ones to unfortunate events. In that instance, I’m reminded of an energy field functioning behind the scenes like a glue; holding the fabric of my life together. I am filled with a deep gratitude and humility that life is supporting me, as long as I abide by the natural laws of the universe. Let’s be honest, life is not always smooth sailing and unfortunate things can happen unexpectedly. But as I’ve reiterated in countless articles, these are opportunities to grow and expand our lives.

Are you satisfied that you are taken care of by a greater power, irrespective of what you call it? This power operates efficiently, orchestrating a multitude of events throughout the cosmos. It has a good handle on its role, even though it may not look that way. Similarly, what appears as chaos is actually Ordered Chaos. Therefore, nothing in life is random. Even though we may not know the meaning and purpose to these random events, we can trust things are taking place for a greater cause; whether or not they are directly linked to us. This idea is supported by the psychiatrist and consciousness researcher Dr. David Hawkins who wrote in The Map of Consciousness Explained: “There are no accidents in the universe, nor are they even a possibility. “Accident” simply means that something is unpredictable or incomprehensible to the linear ego…”

So, how can you learn to surrender control? First, choose an area of your life not performing as you would like. It may be a relationship, your finances, health or career. Second, let it go and observe whether the situation improves. For instance, if you had an argument with your partner that resulted in an exchange of negative emotions, surrender your thoughts about the situation. There’s one thing I am certain of: this energy field is present within everything and it doesn’t matter what label you give it; it recognises your act of surrender. So, you might say: “Dear universe/God/Source, I surrender this situation to you. I let go of my fear, worry, anger and frustration. Take it from me and transform it into peace, love and harmony. Thank you.” Then go about your day without worrying about it and trust you will be guided to act at the right time. It might come to you in the form of an impulse or through intuition; that is the universe/divinity working through you.

So, can you give yourself the gift of letting go and allow a greater energy to permeate your life? Can you give yourself the gift of healing and transforming your life? I encourage you to start with something small and not focus on a big problem, since it requires building faith and trust with this energy source. I’ve been practising this for months and have seen delightful results so far. I’ve read countless books on surrender and understood it intellectually. But when I practised it, I experienced wonderful results throughout my life. So now it’s your turn. Are you willing to release parts of your life to a greater intelligence? Despite everything, this year taught us the power of letting go lies in our ability to surrender that which we have little control of, anyway.

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What You Silently Say And Do, Is More Important Than What You Externally Communicate

Thoughts Become Our Reality

“As a person thinks, feels, and believes, so is the condition of his or her mind, body, and circumstances.” — Joseph Murphy

What are your innermost thoughts? Are they empowering or disempowering you? If your thoughts are negative, have you tried examining the root cause? In this article, I wish to propose what we silently say to ourselves, determines our reality. It’s no surprise, many people spend time fixated on negative self-talk. Not just negative self-talk about themselves, but negative self-talk about others or situations. Whether or not you believe thoughts manifest into reality, what we dwell upon will find its way into our lives if we are unconscious to them.

The subconscious mind is a powerful field of attraction. As a testament to this, consider why a random song pops into your head when you least expect it? It happened to me last week. While watching TV, a series of advertisements appeared promoting an upcoming TV show I dislike. I recall my inner conversation centred around my aversion to the show. Sure enough, throughout the week, I woke up between 2 – 3 AM, with the jingle running through my head. I didn’t plan to memorise the song; in fact, I dislike the show. However, my subconscious mind thought otherwise. I connected the emotions of hate and anger with this song, which saturated my subconscious mind.

Now, let me be clear: there is no scientific evidence to support the idea that thoughts manifest into reality. After all, what tools do we use to measure electrical episodes in the brain, to prove this theory? Thoughts are subjective and if we analysed 100 people, how do we create a baseline to support our model? What I’m trying to say: the reason science hasn’t proved thoughts create reality, is because it’s physically impossible. There are too many variables and unknown elements to measure. So, if you’re a person of science looking for scientific facts, I encourage you to stop reading here. I’m not claiming this article supports science and facts, but merely exploring how our thoughts externalise themselves in our reality.

Observe Your Thoughts

“The soul is your innermost being. The presence that you are beyond form. The consciousness that you are beyond form, that is the soul. That is who you are in essence.” — Eckhart Tolle

How do you feel about this so far? Are you getting the sense that your thoughts are more powerful than you realise? Can you see, what you ruminate about creates your reality? Even if you can entertain the likelihood of it being true, it will go a long way to help you master your thoughts. There are many questions that come to mind regarding this topic. For instance, are we in command of our thoughts? Can we change what we think about? If so, how do we know our thoughts have changed? I’m convinced, we can change our thinking because people change their lives every day. Millions of people have overcome addictions, failed marriages, gone from homeless to millionaire, healed themselves, overcame innumerable setbacks and disasters. There are people who started with nothing and have become influential in their own right. What I’m saying: thoughts must be amendable because if millions of people can change their lives, they must have changed their thinking. How about you? Are there aspects of life you changed as a result of your thinking?

The main principle I wish to espouse in this article is: be watchful of what you say to yourself because it will externalise itself in your reality, whether you know it or not. So, if you wish to be in a loving relationship and you habitually entertain negative self-talk, you are moving further away from your desires. However, if you align your thoughts with your true desires, chances are, you will manifest that relationship in due course. This is not a hard and fast rule but a way of observing the net effect of empowered thinking. Obviously, there are other factors to take into account in the context of this argument. Everything being equal, what we continually think about and associate with strong emotions, will externalise itself at some point in our life.

If we repeatedly dwell upon on negative situations and bathe them with negative emotions, there’s a good chance they will come to life. I realise it is difficult to measure because by the time reality catches up, it may have been weeks, months or even years. We cannot directly see evidence of our thoughts creating our reality, unless we keep a journal. The most important factor here, whether or not you believe in the science, is to be mindful of what you think about. If we are dissatisfied with our life, chances are, our past thinking may have contributed to our present moment experience. Again, there are many factors to take into account beyond the scope of this article. So, how do we navigate the unpredictable elements of our life? Do we need to be mindful of everything we think?

Yes and no. In the initial stages, being mindful of and journaling our thoughts, helps us follow the patterns of our thinking. This gives us a barometer of where we’re spending our thought energy. Once we’ve observed our thoughts through journaling, it’s a matter of breaking the cycle of negative thinking. I’m not claiming you should try to stop negative thoughts, or that it’s even possible. If you would like to know more about this, I would encourage you to research various psychology treatments such as: CBT, ACT and EMDR, to list a few. These treatments can help an individual break the spell of negative thinking and reframe it to empowering thoughts. Ultimately, we want to be in charge of our thoughts and not leave it to chance. Otherwise, we’re likely to get pulled along by our thoughts, which create our upcoming future.

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Don’t Let Your Senses And Reason Dictate What Is Possible For You

Guide Your Thoughts And Feelings

“Start by doing what is necessary, then what’s possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” — Francis of Assisi

Think of a problem you’re currently facing. Have you tried to overcome it? If your efforts have failed, are you willing to consider correcting your thoughts about the situation? It’s common that when problems and challenges arise, we fixate on the issue trying to find a solution. After all, we live in a three-dimensional world and our problems are real. But I’d like to propose another faculty to help us overcome our problems. This faculty is the power of the human imagination, which is a precursor to our upcoming future. To prove this idea, have you ever ruminated on negative thoughts that eventually became a reality? Psychologists call this confirmation bias, where our beliefs and values confirm our thoughts. Neville Goddard was one of the first self-help authors to express these ideas, during the late 1930s to early 70s. He went to great lengths to support the idea of the human imagination being God, working through mankind.

I’ve studied his work for the last decade and whilst I agree with his philosophies, there’s some I disagree with, given our understanding of physics and consciousness. One of Neville’s popular sayings is: “Remember, everyone in your world is yourself pushed out. They only reflect what you have been and maybe still are doing. Blame no one, not even yourself, just change your diet. The diet is simply words, all within you.” The premise is that our conscious or unconscious thoughts will be expressed in our life. Now, so I’m not misunderstood as preaching a New Age field of mysticism, I don’t want you to take my word for it, but explore what I’m proposing in this article. My intention is to empower you with greater choice and freedom; particularly if this information is new to you. Neville repeatedly stated: “To change the state of mind, you change what you focus on and seek only to guide your thoughts and feelings in the direction of your desires and not on the evidence of your senses. This is what keeps us trapped.”

This is the basis to this article; not allowing your senses and reasons to dictate what is possible for you. So, back to the problem I asked you about earlier. Chances are, you’ve been ruminating on the issue, using logic to solve it. Perhaps some of your efforts have worked, maybe others haven’t. Hence, why I’m proposing an alternative way to overcome our problems by exploring a higher dimension. Again, Neville reminds us: “Once you feel and or believe your desire has already come true, it is instantly created in the fourth dimensional world and will come to you in time.” To do this, we spend time throughout the day or before sleep, imagining what we want to create in place of our problems. We invoke the power of our imagination and use emotion, to bring to life a future possibility that yet exists. The key principle here is consistency. We must be consistent in our practice until our desires become reality.

You Are A Powerful Creator

“The Universe is big. It’s vast and complicated and ridiculous. And sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen. And we call them Miracles.” — Doctor Who

I realise this may sound unbelievable and it certainly took me a while to embrace. The proof lies in putting it to the test. Throughout my research of Neville Goddard’s work, many have spoken of him as the originator of the Law of Attraction, well before it was popularised via the film, The Secret. But what does this mean to you, in so far as overcoming problems? It requires tapping into the power and field of the subconscious mind, to bring to life unseen realities. It is the notion of shape-shifting the future and directing it through our creative intelligence. Neville Goddard proposed that God or the universe is dreaming through us via our imagination. We don’t actually attract anything because everything already exists, in an unseen dimension; we simply align our thoughts to bring it into existence. This is the premise of what many call The Holographic universe, which Elon Musk alluded to when he spoke of life being a simulation.

Other mystics have claimed that divinity seeks to express itself in form through mankind. I’m not asking you to embrace religion or a God outside of you. I’m simply inviting you to appreciate, you are a powerful creator with powers beyond your wildest dreams. Again, do your due diligence and don’t take my word for it. Do the research, whether it be Neville Goddard or other New Thought teachers. Put it to practice, to see whether it works for you; this is the ultimate test. Neville used this premise with students who attended his lectures. He asked them to imagine themselves climbing a ladder for three nights and recite the words: “I will not climb a ladder.” A strange thing occurred, many of the students unconsciously found themselves climbing a ladder within days of this experiment. There’s a YouTube video, depicting a former student of Neville talking about his experience with this experiment.

Neville would say: “Never accept anything as true and final unless it conforms to the ideal you desire to embody within your world.” That is, nothing is final or fixed and things can change unexpectedly. This has been evident in 2020, with the Coronavirus where the entire world was impacted and lives uprooted. The power of the human imagination is powerful and I urge you to explore these ideas further, if this information resonates with you. We mustn’t allow what is taking place in our life, particularly unfavourable events, to dictate the course of our destiny. Nothing is final and nothing lasts forever because what we’re experiencing is based on the accumulation of thoughts from the past. To change our future, we must rearrange our thoughts and visualise the future we wish to bring forth in our reality. After all, fate is merely the subjective influence of our thoughts, to create that which is yet unseen in the third dimension.

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Why Emotional Pain Is A Portrait Into The Past

The Healing Power Of Love

“Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?”—Leo Buscaglia

Emotional pain is a portrait into the past due to recycled memories brought into the present moment. Think about this in your own life. What memories are you holding on to that bind you to the past? Are those memories serving you? If not, are you willing to let go of them and forgive yourself and others who contributed to the pain? I know these are difficult questions to answer. Like you, I too have suffered pain, however I appreciate that painful memories are remnants of the past that require healing and integration.

Reflect on the following tale from Anthony de Mello’s book One Minute Wisdom in which he explains how pain is apparent when we invite the past into the present moment: “How shall I attain Eternal Life?” “Eternal Life is now. Come into the present.” “But I am in the present now, am I not?” “No.” “Why not?” “Because you haven’t dropped your past.” “Why should I drop my past? Not all of it is bad.” “The past is to be dropped not because it is bad but because it is dead.”

The past is an illusion because it no longer exists, other than a faint memory. Suffering is eased when we reconnect with this moment and honour it as a cherished gift. Through our expanded awareness, we minimise the intensity of painful memories and develop an appreciation of what we have. As we cast our attention to the here and now, earlier memories fade through a change in awareness. Memories have an emotional relationship to thoughts and with enough intensity, grow stronger neural networks in the brain. To change those memories, we ought to focus on forming new ones.

Whilst it may be obvious, healing takes place when we cease to identify with the pain of the past. In doing so, we invite the healing power of love to permeate our life. This is because love has a higher energetic frequency than emotional states such as fear, anger or sadness. We find freedom in creating a new script in which to view the past. This new story does not extinguish our memories, it creates an empowering relationship connecting the past to the present, so peace, love and healing emerge. How do you feel about this? Are you willing to examine your painful memories to heal and integrate them into the wholeness of your being?

Are You Enslaved To The Past?

“Only by acceptance of the past can you alter it.”—T. S. Eliot

To heal emotional wounds requires courage to confront the pain. This is because our inner spirit is more resilient than we imagine. For example, I recall my stern upbringing as a child, dominated by an uncompromising father who sought to shape me into someone I was not cut out to be. Throughout adulthood, I formed an incomplete story relating to the events of my childhood, steeped in anger and blame. Eventually, I created a new script by bringing forgiveness and peace to the past. In doing so, I healed twenty years of emotional pain because I was no longer willing to remain captive to my emotional wounds. For those having endured mental, emotional or physical trauma the pain is undoubtedly real.

However, if we wish to heal our pain-story, something must give, otherwise we become enslaved to the past. Inner peace is fundamental to our happiness and we ought to choose this over pain if we seek inner freedom. Anger, blame and love cannot live in the same place. One must recede to give way to the other. I am drawn to the passage by the Tibetan Buddhist, Pema Chodron who writes: “We always want to get rid of misery rather than see how it works with joy. The point isn’t to cultivate one thing as opposed to another, but to relate properly to where we are.” At the most primitive level, pain is an invitation to examine the disharmony in our life. It is not intended to prolong suffering unless we allow ourselves to remain trapped in it.

Pain calls us to heal our emotional conflicts by directing our attention towards peace and love. Our choices become powerful beacons of hope to rewrite the past with compassion. We create a compelling future, instead of being dictated by untoward events of the past. Moreover, the momentary pain of confronting the past, outweighs carrying the burden of grief into the present and future. Pain shapes our life so we become tender in those hard places we dare to visit. For example, if I asked you to drop your emotional pain who are you beneath that? Holding on to pain conceals our known sense of self, and we form a distorted impression of who we think we are. However well-meaning our intentions, the façade is a self-constructed image that serves to protect us.

Considering this, spend some time over the coming weeks connecting with any emotional pain of the past. Write them down so you have a clear picture of what you’re working with. If it is too traumatic to bring up old memories, don’t push yourself if you are not ready. If you are working with a trained therapist, follow their guidance. If you feel comfortable with the memories that arise, ask yourself: What purpose could replaying these memories serve you? What is the payoff? For example, a client I was recently coaching was using worry and fear as a way to feel in control of situations she was powerless over. Her worry gave her a sense of power; however, it was wreaking havoc in her life. Therefore, we must be willing to let go of the old to invite the new and expansive energy to permeate our lives if we wish to make peace with the past.

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