Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 13

The Only Way We Experience Growth, Is Through Constant Change

Are You Resistant To Change?

“Change is never painful, only the resistance to change is painful.” — Buddha

Are you averse to growth? I realise the question may seem insensitive, but consider whether you may be resisting change by staying in your comfort zone? It is my experience; most people experience resistance when change occurs. Over the coming paragraphs, I will outline how we can embrace change as a foundation for personal growth. Moreover, I will show you how growth is essential to your happiness, to achieve greater fulfilment in your life.

Change is the only constant in this life. It is evident in the seasons and all life forms. Therefore, to resist change means to struggle with the personal growth associated with it. Growth is essential to human existence, otherwise, we remain stagnant and unfulfilled. As an example, some intimate relationships dissolve because one party outgrows the other, who is unwilling to change. They don’t want to leave their comfort zone and do the hard work to heal and transform their emotional wounds.

To put it another way: We can learn to reframe our thoughts about change, instead of seeing it as a negative experience. We can look for the opportunities within the change and become curious about what is taking place. Most people resist change because of the disruption and chaos that takes place. They perceive it as chaotic and experience anxiety, fear and anger. However, the initial part is often laying the groundwork for what’s coming. It is not the finished process and we should allow it to unfold naturally.

Get Curious About Change

“Curiosity is the fuel for discovery, inquiry, and learning.” — Anonymous

Is this something you’re willing to do? Could you distance yourself from the uncomfortable emotions and allow change to take place? I realise it is difficult because we feel threatened when something unknown enters our life. Nevertheless, I’m inviting you to become curious about the change instead of resisting it. Through our resistance, we create beliefs grounded in struggle and anguish because we don’t like what is unfolding. This may be due to unmet expectations, which leads to suffering.

Here’s another way to look at: If we can accept the changes taking place and trust life is unfolding as it should, we can let go of our resistance to it. Typically, everything works out better than we imagine and it is our thoughts that impede the change. Is this something you’ve experienced? Can you think of a time when you resisted change, yet everything fell into place better than you imagined? I’ve witnessed this on a personal level, to the degree I am now familiar with when change takes place.

Knowing this, I invite you to step back from being absorbed in the drama and allow the change to enter your life. Yes, judging a situation as scary and unpredictable is human nature. Becoming resentful and angry, especially when change is unexpected, is a primitive human response. I’m asking you to notice your response and avoid criticising yourself when a situation doesn’t work out as planned. Even though change may not originate from us, it does not mean it is detrimental. In fact, my best experiences occurred because of unexpected change. I experienced deep awakenings, intuitive insights and gained wisdom through my challenges. I now appreciate when change occurs outside of my control; the universe is leading me towards unexpected blessings. It is why I become curious instead of anxious and you can, too.

Being Comfortable With Discomfort

“Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.” — Anne Lamott

So, here’s what I’d like you to try: Instead of resisting change, see if you can observe your thoughts and feelings about it. By noticing our reactions, we can better deal with change instead of letting it overwhelm us. I’ve been advocating becoming curious about change throughout the article for a reason. Therefore, when we experience negative reactions to change, we can become curious about it through self-enquiry. So, you might ask yourself: “Why am I resisting this change?” “What am I afraid of I can’t handle?” “What could be the hidden opportunity contained within this change?” If we can redirect the attention to ourselves instead of the change, we can learn more about what is unfolding. So, next time, we will be better prepared without experiencing the difficult emotions.

In other words, it requires observing our thoughts and emotions and distancing ourselves from them. By distancing, I mean observing what is taking place within us and creating a space around it. It requires being detached from the problem instead of investing in it. To observe change from a different perspective, allow your difficult emotions to be present without ignoring them. People find it difficult to sit with their heavy emotions because they want to get rid of them. I’m suggesting we can learn to be comfortable with discomfort by gradually exposing ourselves to it. In doing so, our mind realises the change is not a threat and our nervous system won’t experience a fight-or-flight response. We become comfortable with uncertainty and gain the resiliency and growth to accompany it.

With this in mind, your exercise over the coming days is to choose one or two changes taking place in your life. Perhaps it tied to the pandemic, where you lost your job or had to relocate. I invite you to work through the questions I asked you earlier and become inquisitive about it. What could be taking place regarding these unexpected changes? You may or may not know the answers right now, and that’s okay. Even though your situation may appear chaotic and displaced, could you see your situation improving in the coming months or year? See whether you are open to the smallest light of hope making itself known. After all, if we want to experience growth and the benefits of it, such as increased self-esteem and confidence, we must experience constant change and learn to be comfortable with uncertainty.

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Everyone Is Fixing Their Body, But No One Is Attending To The Health Of Their Soul

What Is A Soul?

“The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Most people are committed to improving their body, yet few are dedicated to nurturing the health of their soul. What about you? Have you given attention to your soul? You might say: “I don’t know because I can’t see my soul.” And you would be right in thinking this way. Over the coming paragraphs, I’ll offer you clues on how to focus on your soul health and nurture a deeper connection.

The health of our soul is equally important to the health of our body. This is why we focus on what we can see and touch. Since we cannot see or touch our soul, we believe it doesn’t need our attention. Our soul is the unobserved aspect of our physical being; it is our core nature as spiritual beings. It is believed our soul is an aspect of divinity, like a drop of water comprises the entire ocean. If you remove some water from the ocean, it is still water, even while separated from the ocean. In physics, this is defined as a hologram, where every piece of the hologram contains the entire image.

It is important we understand what our soul is, so we can cultivate its presence in our life. This is not a religious conversation because you needn’t follow religion to believe we have souls. The important point here is that we are connected to our soul and our life on earth is expressed through our soul nature. Therefore, our soul can be considered the blueprint upon which we navigate our life’s journey, while our body is the vehicle used to experience it. Whilst a little more complicated than that, we can use this metaphor to focus on the health of our soul.

Are you comfortable with this idea so far? You may have questions about these ideas and therefore, I invite you to work through them in your journal. To become better acquainted with our soul health, we must look to our past to see what we’ve created. For example, what has been the theme of your life? What challenges have repeatedly shown up in your life? How have you faced those challenges? What have you learned from them? For example, the theme of my life can be summarised in four key areas: patience, trust, self-love, and forgiveness. Through these four virtues, I have faced many obstacles and challenges and learned valuable soul lessons. You could say these have been my earthly lessons and what my soul intended for me to learn in this lifetime.

Soul Lessons

“You know you have mastered a soul lesson when the circumstance has not changed, but the way you respond has. This is true energy self-mastery.” — Vibrational Medicine

To be clear, we have no physical evidence our soul exists other than what is written in ancient texts and passed down over thousands of centuries. However, I can confirm from experience, these four lessons have repeatedly shown up in my life and pushed me to evolve. Yours might be different and unique to you, and I would encourage you to find out what they are. If you’re unsure, ask a loved one, a family member, or someone who knows you well. It will go a long way to help you understand your life, so you don’t repeat the same lessons in the future.

You see, knowing your past allows you to follow the guidance of your soul. After all, what is the point of making the same mistakes and not learning the lessons? I see this often when coaching clients who stumble across the same soul lessons without learning key lessons. If we want to learn and grow from our experiences, we must gain the wisdom from our soul lessons. I’ve had the privilege of coaching hundreds of clients over the years and seen first-hand how people handle their soul lessons. It has been touching and inspiring to help them transform their experiences, so they see them from a higher perspective. If we see our earthly problems from a limited perspective, we will focus on our difficulties without seeing what is taking place behind the scenes.

Therefore, to attend to our soul health, we must pay attention to our emotions but not be dictated by them. Our emotions show us what we are creating in our life because they are our guidance system. Not everything will go our way and it will force us into situations which are unfair and unjustified. But if we focus on the injustice without considering the primary lessons, we miss out on transforming our pain. Are you content with this understanding? I want you to know, your soul health is important and we ought to cultivate it in our life.

How To Nurture Your Soul

“Follow your soul. It knows the way.” — Anonymous

Similarly, we must get in touch with our true nature; the ground of being for love, kindness, and compassion. Love is the highest order in the universe. It is a healing agent and can transform pain and mend broken relationships. Love is the structural framework of the universe. Therefore, by connecting with our true nature, we see our earthly challenges from a higher perspective. This doesn’t mean we won’t experience challenges or hardships, but view them as guiding and expanding our soul’s evolution. This is the message espoused by spiritual author Matt Kahn who writes in The Universe Always Has a Plan: “How many times have you asked yourself, “Why am I attracting this?” You’re attracting this because the soul’s evolution is about building unconditionally loving relationships with all parts of yourself represented as each emotion.” Therefore, by developing an expanded awareness of our problems, our challenges are seen from the perspective of our Higher Self.

As a result, we can nurture our soul health by living our Truth. Your Truth will differ from others and it is important you discover your own journey. Our Truth is the language of the soul and signifies the breadth and depth of our life’s experiences. For example, there’s a biblical phrase which reads: “The truth will set you free,” demonstrating how abiding by our Truth can liberate us from the chains of our earthly existence. Our Truth is our unconditional authority to live according to our highest agency. Thereby, living from a heart-based awareness (soul), will lead to our greatest salvation and freedom.

With this in mind, I invite you to journal your answers to the questions I asked you throughout the article. I encourage you to spend a few days working through your soul lessons via journaling. Take the time to find out what your soul experiences have called you to learn about yourself. We may not always learn the lessons in this lifetime because of the challenges we face. But we can continue to show up to our life, even when our experiences push us to our limits. Although we cannot physically see our soul, we can see the ripples it leaves when we neglect it, such as pain, difficulties, and repeated challenges. Nurturing our soul is important to our life as tending to our physical body. One is the map of our life’s journey, while the other is the vehicle upon which we experience the journey. After all, to improve our life, we must learn key lessons our soul intends for us, otherwise we resign ourselves to calling it fate.

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How To Surrender Your Heart To The Present Moment Without Judgement

Your Present Moment Experience

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” — Eckhart Tolle

The act of surrendering to the present moment requires letting go of resisting what is taking place. As we do, the layers of judgement disappear and we discover the perfection of the present moment. Our judgements have a way of obscuring the gift of our moment-to-moment experience. Suffering takes place if we allow our judgement to get in the way of surrendering to the moment. Can you identify with this? Have you wanted to escape the present moment because it did not live up to your expectations? How did you overcome your resistance?

If we judge this moment because it does not meet our expectations, we will suffer. The ego will convince us this is not what we wanted, and so we try to resist it. But we put our happiness on hold when we adopt this way of thinking because life is trying to unfold through us. We have little understanding of why things happen and our limited perception only sees what is taking place before us. We can’t possibly know whether an unwanted experience is likely to benefit us in the future.

Therefore, to surrender to the present moment without judgement requires dropping our resistance to how things should be. The ego likes to dominate our thoughts and so we experience fear, anxiety, anger, and resistance to something we don’t want. But if we recognise the ego for what it is; a saboteur trying to undermine us, we can distance ourselves from becoming entangled in its web. The way out of the ego trap is to shift our attention back to the present moment and notice our surroundings. For example, when you are caught up in thoughts of despair and judgement, thank your mind for trying to distract you and reconnect back to the present moment.

To achieve this state, focus on your breath and the sensations it creates within your body. Notice objects around the room you are in. For example, a practice I often undertake when caught up in negative thinking is to walk around the room and touch different objects, noting their texture and the sensations they evoke within me. I try to be mindful of my breathing and anchor myself to the present moment instead of allowing my mind to pull me into the future or the past. Your present moment experience needn’t be perfect, but by surrendering to it, you loosen its grip and allow life to reveal itself through you. Life has a good handle on its role because it has a resume with 14 billion years of experience. You and I only have decades of experience, so we must trust life knows what it is doing despite our resistance.

Judgement Is Ego Based

“When one is without ego, one becomes infinitely free of all personal judgements, and perceives life and the world with divine eyes and mind. Nothing is offensive to them and they remain in perfect serenity and peace always.” — Mooji

Are you comfortable with these ideas so far? Can you see that trying to manipulate the present moment delays your happiness and prolongs your suffering? I’m not asking you to be apathetic about what is taking place in your life. I’m calling you to surrender your thoughts about what shouldn’t be taking place and trust in a greater intelligence to function as it should. Judgement is ego based, which thrives on controlling a situation it has no power over. In contrast, spirit (heart-based awareness), observes what is taking place and demands nothing of you. We experience suffering when the egoic voice dominates our inner talk, without being mindful of it. We perceive the egoic voice as our own because we haven’t learned to distinguish it from the voice of spirit.

To illustrate with an example, when you were young, you might have had a more dominant parent compared to the other. Naturally, you learnt to distinguish each parent’s role in your life i.e., strict vs easy-going parent. In my case, my father had a strong disciplining role in my life, whereas my mother offered quite encouragement and support. Each parent had a unique role to play in my life. Therefore, I likened my father’s parenting to the voice of the ego and my mother’s role to the voice of spirit. You might have your own way of discerning the difference between ego and spirit. When you understand how each communicates, you can distinguish truth from falsehood.

Surrender Is An Act Of Love

“The moment you surrender to love and allow it to lead you to exactly where your soul wants to go, you will have no difficulty.” — Neale Donald Walsch

Surrendering to the present moment without judgement requires anchoring ourselves to what is taking place in the here and now. Surrender is an act of love because we trust life to give us what we need instead of believing we know what is best for us. Undoubtedly, we know what is best for us to feed and nurture ourselves. But on the level of personal growth and soul expansion, we are limited in our knowledge and hence why life intercedes, to give us experiences outside our comfort zone.

To put this into perspective, I never imagined my father would pass away when I was 26 years old. I never envisaged at 29, I would be diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. These experiences and others pushed me to grow and evolve well beyond my comfort zone and taught me the power of trusting life. They taught me the art of surrender because what I believed was good for me was not necessarily valuable to my soul’s evolution. So now, I’m inviting you to surrender your heart to the present moment without judgement. Trust that every experience from this moment forward will be perfectly orchestrated for your highest good. You may not realise the lessons immediately, but if you look back on your experiences, you will see everything happened for your greatest good.

Considering this, I invite you to focus on how you can surrender to the present moment in your daily life. What can you do to be more grounded in the here and now? Earlier, I gave you an example of an exercise that involved noticing your breath and touching objects in the room. Use this practice to connect to your now experience. Other useful ways involve journaling and meditation. Whatever you decide, reclaim your power instead of letting your mind carry you into judgement and despair when things don’t go your way. After all, when we surrender our heart to the present moment, we discover the essence of life coalescing to bring us life’s beauty and majesty. If we resist these moments, we miss out on the miracles unfolding before our eyes.

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How You Would Feel If You Got What You Wanted?

How would your life change if you got what you wanted? I’m referring to achieving your goals or fulfilling your dreams. Have you given it any thought? Have you entertained the idea of achieving everything you desire?

Focus On What You Want

“Whenever you want to achieve something, keep your eyes open, concentrate and make sure you know exactly what it is you want. No one can hit their target with their eyes closed.” — Paulo Coelho

We habitually focus on what we don’t want, to the degree it manifests as our reality. Unfortunately, we don’t devote enough attention to our dreams and highest aspirations because we believe we are unworthy or unable to achieve our goals. Psychologists say this is wired into our early nurturing, where our needs are not met via our parents or caregivers. It is why many people don’t go after what they want because of the obstacles that stand in their way.

Does this describe you? Is there a small voice within you that laments how difficult it is to achieve your goals? I’m inviting you now to notice these thoughts when you reach for something outside your comfort zone. Therefore, we ought to nurture our innermost needs; our deepest wants and desires. I’m not suggesting this practice alone will mean they will materialise. Nevertheless, we’ve got to give ourselves a chance to cultivate our needs and create a space for them, especially if they are important to us.

Is this something you do often? Perhaps through visualisations or journaling? If not, is it a practice you’re willing to undertake? Obviously, your desires will differ from others. For example, you might want to be in an intimate relationship or get ahead in your career, perhaps improve your health or finances. Whatever it is, we must connect with our deepest intentions and understand them better so we can give them life. In doing so, we discover important aspects about ourselves and whether our desires are worth pursuing. Otherwise, we might spend months, or years chasing after lofty goals that don’t bring us the fulfilment we deserve.

What Is Your Compelling Reason To Achieve Your Goals?

“Remember, the WHY is a filter. When you start with WHY, it attracts people who believe what you believe and repels people who don’t.” — Simon Sinek

So, do you think your life change, if you achieved all your goals? Who would you become? How would you act? Who would you be surrounded by? Try to get a sense of this future, even if it is a glimpse. If you can visualise it, your subconscious mind will help you achieve it. Here’s the caveat: your goal must be tied to powerful emotions and a compelling reason to achieve the goal. You must have a convincing WHY, imbued with powerful emotions, since they will help you achieve your desires.

Are you content with this so far? I realise I’m asking a lot of questions, but it is purposeful to help you get clear on what you want. I want you to know that you can achieve anything you desire, as long as it is tied to a powerful reason. We must invoke energising emotions of love, gratitude, enthusiasm, and passion to bring to life our inner visions. I assure you, spending time alone with your thoughts, whether through journaling or quiet reflection, will save you years of hard work and disappointment. I’ve witnessed this in hundreds of coaching clients who pursued goals they believed would make them happy, only to realise it did not fulfil them. It is why I coach clients to help them understand their underlying reasons for their goals and create a roadmap so they achieve them.

Visualise Success To Achieve Your Goals

“All successful men and women are big dreamers. They imagine what their future could be, ideal in every respect, and then they work every day toward their distant vision, that goal or purpose.” — Brian Tracy

The key to achieving our goals lies in commitment and perseverance, but there are other factors we must take into consideration. For example, we must work intelligently and overcome setbacks and disappointments that emerge along the way. This is where we learn about ourselves and the importance of our goals. We learn about making sacrifices to achieve our goals. Second, we must visualise achieving our goals and work diligently to bring our vision to life. Visualising a successful life involves planting the seed within our subconscious mind and nurturing it regularly. I liken it to the architectural drawings of a new house to be built. The more we visit the image in our mind, the better the instructions we give to our subconscious mind.

Everything you desire lies on the other side of your fears and requires knowing what you are prepared to do to achieve your goals. Therefore, your powerful WHY (compelling reason) will help you overcome obstacles and challenges and motivate you to achieve them. The level at which you are willing to achieve your desires is based on your ability to overcome short-term setbacks for long-term success. Hence, why visualisation is a powerful tool because it is a mind map of your intended future.

Knowing this, I invite you to sit with your journal or phone and answer the questions in the opening paragraph with care and thoughtfulness. In fact, I encourage you to answer all the questions throughout the article. I want you to get a powerful sense of your desires and why you want to bring them to life. It is my experience that spending time on this exercise can save you time and disappointment. Getting what we want in life can be satisfying if our goals are aligned with our highest vision. We must let go of competing beliefs and pursue our goals for what they bring to our life and the lives of others. After all, when our goals are for the greatest good of all, they are imbued with a greater intent and will come to life as long as we remain committed to achieving them.

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You’ve To Let Life Touch You But Never Let It Overpower You

Perceiving Life Through A Biased Filter

“What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.” — Anonymous

How are you coping at the moment? Are you dealing with any problems? What do you think are the lessons contained within your difficulties? What would it take to improve your situation? Are you willing to consider it from a different perspective? I’m asking a lot of questions since these are the kinds of questions we must ask ourselves to overcome our difficulties. Many people feel overpowered because they believe life is being imposed upon them instead of working out for them.

I know it may not always look that way, mainly because we look at our difficulties through a distorted lens. By this I mean, our negativity bias gets in the way and we misrepresent a situation perhaps even exaggerating it, instead of examining it carefully. For that reason, journaling can be a powerful tool to become acquainted with our thoughts and emotions when life does not go our way.

Life is precious, yet it can be equally volatile. This is apparent through the wars that dominated humankind throughout history, the inhospitable conditions in third world countries, and unpredictable climate patterns. This doesn’t mean mother nature is unforgiving because that is perceiving life through a biased filter. While we may not fully understand why unfortunate things happen, it is because we are limited in our understanding that surrounds it.

Life Responds To Our Level Of Consciousness

“Control of consciousness determines the quality of life.” — Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

We mustn’t focus on our difficulties but acknowledge them, so we can process them without getting bogged down in negativity. Otherwise, we are likely to exaggerate our problems instead of recognising life is evolving as it should. Therefore, our perception creates a colour palette in which we paint the canvas of our life. This is a blank canvas and we get to decide the texture and tone of the painting. It is why life a series of masterpieces, constantly developing and taking on form. For example, your perception of life in your earlier years will differ decades later. Hopefully, you will have experienced unique conditions to form your own beliefs.

We can observe life as a feedback loop based on our level of consciousness and personal growth. As our consciousness expands, our perception changes to correspond with our new understanding. I trust you get the sense that your life is not carved in stone but open to change, based on the degree of your personal growth? It is worth understanding this idea because we mustn’t succumb to our difficulties but see them as phases of expansion throughout our life.

Similarly, we ought to be open to new experiences and not label situations as good or bad. Otherwise, we withhold the goodness the universe is trying to express through us. As an example, what may appear as an unpleasant situation can be disguised as a blessing. It is difficult to judge a situation based on appearances alone because things aren’t always what they seem. Life has an unexplained way of developing, and our finite minds are limited in how they perceive situations. It is simply the nature of our biology to see the things based on our conditioning.

We must give it time to unfold and not be convinced life is conspiring against us. This is because life is reflecting our level of awareness on any occasion. What you hold in your mind and heart is echoed back via your reality. The American mystic Neville Goddard echoed this idea when he wrote: “The world is a mirror, forever reflecting what you are doing, within yourself.”

Spectators In This Game Of Life

“To become a spectator of one’s own life is to escape the suffering of life.” — Oscar Wilde

To allow life to touch us intimately, we must not to let the negativity of the world consume us. Negativity is broadcast into our living rooms day and night. Social media has become an outlet for moral outrage. People hide behind screens to voice their disapproval at governments, institutions, celebrities and anyone who does not conform to their beliefs. If we buy into this narrative, we are convinced life is chaotic and senseless. This is not the absolute truth because we don’t know all the details to form an honest opinion. In most instances, we get a glimpse of the information and form incomplete judgements.

For every negative news event, there are thousands of positive events we never hear about. Although we may not know why bad things happen, we can take comfort in the knowledge there is a mysterious power orchestrating the process of life, within the container of a greater plan. The greater plan I speak of may be a cosmic or worldly process, or it may be a greater plan according to your life’s journey.

In some respects, we are spectators in this game of life and whilst we have more power than we realise; we are still at the mercy of life’s forces. But this needn’t deter us from living a meaningful life. We can take comfort in that the key to our kingdom lies within our hands and we can still co-create our life based on uncertainty.

The Obstacle Is The Way

“The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.” — Molière

With this in mind, I invite you to return to the opening questions in the first paragraph. If you keep a journal, answer the questions as journal prompts. If you don’t have a journal, write your answers on your smartphone or computer. Try to get a genuine sense of the issue you’re grappling with. Put aside your biases and consider the situation with an open mind. Don’t be swayed by your opinion alone because if you asked five people about your situation, you would undoubtedly get five different answers.

There could be a valuable clue contained within your problem that you may be missing. The Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius said: “The obstacle is the way.” It requires unearthing the answers inside of you and keeping an open mind to what comes forth. Life can be a wonderful experience, yet it can be harsh and unforgiving. It doesn’t mean it is any of these things, but what we choose to give our attention to that shapes our destiny.

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You Don’t Need To Plan Your Life, To Get What You Really Want

To get what we really want requires being conscious of our choices and acting with intention instead of being dictated by our unconscious motives. For example, think of a significant life choice you made. Was it made purposefully or impulsively? Did it turn out as you expected? If not, what could you have changed about your choice next time? Are you willing to examine your choices before you act?

Can We Plan Too Much?

“We have a plan for life but sometimes, life has a different plan for us” ― Saji Ijiyemi

We make countless choices every day, but are we making them based on a deeper intention or are they knee-jerk reactions? This is an important part of making better life choices: delaying gratification and choosing what is likely to benefit us in the future.

We don’t need to plan our life to get what we really want because planning doesn’t always work due to unforeseen circumstances. Unexpected conditions may arise, so the key is not to be fixed on our plans for the future but to know the direction we wish our life to follow. It is my experience coaching clients over the years, as well as my own observations, that life rarely unfolds according to plan. In fact, looking back, many of my plans didn’t work out as expected. I don’t have a problem with that because my life has unfolded better than I could have imagined.

Therefore, we ought to go with the flow instead of being fixed on a plan for our life. This means adapting to what takes place and developing the mental and emotional resiliency to cope with what shows up. I admit this takes a lot of practice to not be dictated by external events. But what is the rush, if we repeatedly make less than desirable choices?

This way of thinking helps us be adaptable when we face situations out of our control. Similarly, we needn’t like what is taking place but we can learn to accept there may be a greater lesson contained within the experience. There might be a greater plan unfolding in the backdrop of our lives, while the pieces of the puzzle are still forming. Are you comfortable with this idea so far? Can you see by looking back on your life, what was an unexpected event turned out to be valuable to you?

When Life Is Lacking Spontaneity

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” — E. E. Cummings

Planning the details of our life removes the spontaneity of life because we expect the trajectory of our life to follow the past. But what if we had a difficult past filled with pain and regret? We might expect the future to be the same, but it is not always the case. I have coached remarkable people over the years who overcame great difficulties and transformed their life beyond their wildest dreams. They were willing to heal their past and step into a new future without their pain accompanying them. It is possible for you to do the same. It requires a willingness to leave behind what is not working and move forward with bold intention.

Sometimes, the best things that happen to us take place when we are unprepared. This is because uncertainty is the foundation of adventure and personal growth. After all, we can only plan life to a certain degree and trust it will unfold accordingly. But sometimes it may take an unforeseen turn, which may be the best thing to happen to us. What I’m saying: We don’t know what awaits us in the future until we take a leap of faith and move forward with boldness and courage.

Equally, good things can happen to us we never expect. I’ve written in earlier articles and books about my life-changing transformation early in my life. After graduating university with a B.A. in Fashion Design, I pursued a different career in writing and speaking about self-empowerment. I felt a powerful call from my soul to move into this area over a period. Initially, I resisted because of family pressure, who thought I was crazy to abandon a successful career. Although I didn’t understand what I was getting myself into, I trusted what I was leaving behind was less significant than what I was stepping into. The power of being led by my heart’s deepest desire outweighed a career I was merely satisfied with.

Trust In Unexpected Miracles

“I am realistic–I expect miracles.” ― Wayne Dyer

Think about this in your own life. Have you experienced a chance encounter with a person who later became your significant other? Perhaps it was a business partner or an important personal or professional relationship? In hindsight, could you have foreseen such an event would take place?

Therefore, we must allow room for miracles and surprises, because this is how life will reveal itself in ways we never expected. I didn’t expect to be speaking on stage in front of hundreds of people, given my background as a fashion designer. But I took a chance and believed in life, even though I couldn’t see evidence of it. I took a chance on myself and trusted life would not let me down. I’m now inviting you to trust in unexpected miracles in your life. We must allow life to reveal itself through us, by being receptive to new experiences instead of talking ourselves out of it.

Knowing this, I invite you to write a list of three areas where you are constantly planning things out. Is it in your career, finances, health, or relationships? Are you willing to be more open to new experiences in these areas? Could you allow space for unexpected blessings, even if it’s 5%? Do you need to think differently? Perhaps it involves less planning and more trusting. You might have to experiment to find what works for you.

I assure you, implementing the smallest change, whether it be a change in your thinking or actions, can improve your life in big ways. Note how you feel when making these changes. It may seem scary at first but if you keep a journal, write about your experiences, so you can look back and see how far you’ve come. After all, we needn’t plan our life in detail to get what we really want because getting what we want comes from choices we never knew we had to make until it is time.

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Being Wanted Feeds The Ego, While Being Valued Nourishes Your Soul

Do you get excited about being wanted by others? Perhaps it is evident in your career or within your personal relationships? How does it make you feel? Reflect on the feelings of as we delve deeper into this topic.

There’s no denying it, being wanted can boost our self-esteem and self-worth. We may feel better for it, but it is a false sense of worth manufactured by the ego to convince us of our worthiness. But let’s be clear, being wanted is not the same as being appreciated or valued, as I will outline below.

Consider this for a moment: the ego thrives on being seen and heard; it needs to be validated. Because if the ego doesn’t receive validation, we become depressed, angry, or emotionally deprived. It is why people are addicted to social media such as Instagram, where constant validation is common. But this is disingenuous admiration that feeds our ego without nourishing our soul.

Validation Must Come From Within

“What makes people weak? Their need for validation and recognition, their need to feel important. Don’t get caught in this trap.” — Paulo Coelho

Reflect on this for a moment: Being wanted comes at a cost to our self-worth because we become accustomed to seeking praise instead of giving ourselves the validation we deserve. Are you with me so far? Nod your head in agreement that you understand the difference between being wanted and being valued. The Instagram influencers who thrive on social validation manufacture their lives to appeal to a certain audience. They are promoting a misleading way of life out of reach for many people. I don’t intend to demonise them but highlight why validation is a double-edged sword we can become addicted to.

To take this idea even further: There is a difference between being wanted and being valued, evident in the energy we give to something outside of us. The energy of being wanted drains our life-force because it is grounded in desire. We become addicted to the intoxicating emotions that feed our ego. But being wanted does not enhance our personal growth because we become addicted to having our self-worth substantiated by others. We surrender our power to someone who may misuse their power against us. Nothing outside of you can validate your self-worth. It must come from an enhanced self-worth and unyielding self-respect. These are the virtues of a healthy character and the foundations of noble virtues.

The final point I wish to emphasise is this: Being wanted is a self-serving pursuit which I liken to a one-way street; it only serves you. In contrast, being valued arises out of our commitment to serve others. Think about those in your community who perform honourable work, helping under-privileged groups. The value they provide is selfless and grounded in a dedication to serve others. You see, when we are valued for who we are and what we do, we connect with a deeper meaning and purpose for our life. Therefore, the meaning we ascribe to our actions arises from our commitment to enrich other people’s lives.

Are Your Relationships Self-Serving Or Self-Empowering?

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” — Dale Carnegie

Are you satisfied with these ideas because it’s important to understand the difference between being wanted and valued? If we place importance on being wanted alone, we create an imbalance in our relationships, awarding power to another person. Conversely, being valued is the foundation of our character and cannot be taken from us. In contrast, if someone stops needing us, our self-worth may diminish because we have entrusted it to them instead of owing it ourselves. Recall when you were in a relationship and your partner broke it off. Think about how you felt following the breakup? It may have taken you many months to get over them and challenged your self-worth. This is because we are social beings and crave meaningful connections. But we must recognise whether our relationships are self-serving or self-empowering.

Therefore, we ought to place greater importance on being congruent in our actions, our character, and self-worth. In doing so, we live harmoniously to uphold these values, given they are the bedrock upon which character is formed. Character cannot be taken from us because true character is revealed behind closed doors when no one is looking.

With this in mind, I’d like you to consider three important relationships in your life. Choose an intimate partner, if you are currently in a relationship, a professional relationship and a friend. Analyse each of them to see whether you are wanted or valued in the relationship. If you are unsure, ask them. Find out what qualities they value most in you? Why do they value these qualities amongst others?

In the long run, we must nourish our soul because it is the foundation of our true nature and indicative of the value we bring to other people’s lives. If we expect to form deeper connections in our relationships, we must transition from being ego-identified to soul centric (heart-based living). After all, being valued expands our self-worth and enhances our true character more than the validation that comes with being wanted.

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When You Stop Trying To Get Something, You Become Open To Having It

I want to introduce you to an idea that may change your attitude towards desire.

Before we begin, think about something you’ve been striving for. It may be a new career, improving your financial situation, being in a committed relationship or something else. Close your eyes and think about your desire before you continue reading. If you haven’t already manifested it, what do you think is the primary reason? Similarly, why do you want it? What will it bring to your life?

Here’s another provocative idea: Most of us don’t really know what we want. We think we know; our desire stems from a belief that attaining our desire—whatever it may be—will make us happy. And maybe it does, for a short time.

But what happens when the joy wears off? Well, naturally, we go looking for the next thing to make us happy. We get caught in a cat-and-mouse game, without stopping to consider our motives.

I’m inviting you to re-engineer the process and begin at the source—with yourself. Go deep within and try to understand why you want what you want. What will it give you once you have it? Who will you be once you’ve attained it? Will you be happier? If so, what then?

Accepting What Is

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything — anger, anxiety, or possessions — we cannot be free.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

Allow me to offer you this idea, that may help you to reframe the pursuit of happiness through our wants. It is this: The key to our happiness lies in accepting WHAT IS. When we can accept what we have and who we are, we diminish our suffering. This is not a new idea; in fact, is it ancient wisdom. In Buddhism, desires are considered the root of all suffering, and when those desires go unfulfilled, we suffer even more. It requires moving into a state of gratitude for what we have. When we stop trying to be happy, we will be happy. It is the wanting, the needing, and the restless desire for something we don’t have that creates suffering. Are you with me? Are you beginning to see that your suffering originates from a longing for something you don’t have?

To put this another way: Our happiness should not be contingent on having our external needs fulfilled. I’ve written many articles and books over the years asserting that happiness is an inside-out job. It requires changing the beliefs we have about happiness and aligning with our authentic selves.

To take this idea a little further: When we focus on what we don’t have, we create an energy of lack which, paradoxically, moves the very thing we want away from us. I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t have desires—desire is part of the pulse of life. What I am suggesting is that we stop obsessively chasing after what we want. Because the more we want something, the more we focus on it and in so doing, we create an energy of absence, of lack.

The key to getting what we want lies in the art of detachment, which means separating ourselves from our desires. So, irrespective of whether it manifests, we will be happy.

To use a simple analogy: imagine a pond of water. If we stir the water with a stick, it becomes agitated and murky. The water becomes dense and hazy and it’s impossible to see the bottom. But if we stop churning the water, the sediment settles and the water regains its clarity.

Attaining happiness is the same. If our minds are constantly agitated, focused on achieving desires outside of ourselves, it becomes impossible to simply be with what is, to recognise and lean in to the happiness we already have. We need to shift our attention and find that still, clear place within, that place of contentment and gratitude for what we already have.

The Art of Surrender

“As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.” ― Andy Warhol

But let’s also get real here. The fact is, we all have desires, we all have wishes and dreams and hopes for something that lies beyond our immediate grasp. So, how do we navigate the search for contentment and happiness in our lives?

It requires us to acknowledge and accept our needs but not be attached to when and how they will be fulfilled. In other words, to stop white-knuckling our desires and instead to allow the energy around our wants to flow. It requires a degree of surrender, of trust.

And here’s the thing: Often, when we release our grip on an all-consuming desire—perhaps because we ran out of energy to keep holding on so tightly—the very thing we have wished for with such fervency suddenly manifests. This has happened to me many times throughout my life. This is the art of detachment. The lesson here is to stop obsessing over what we don’t have, what we want, and to allow it to flow into our lives when the time is right.

So, I invite you now to use your imagination and journaling to get clear on what you want. Try to understand why you want it and what it will bring to your life.

Focus on the emotions that are generated when you imagine you have achieved the thing you desire, to the extent of believing you already have it.

And now, drop it from you mind. There is nothing further to do because the emotional charge and visualisations will ensure that your desire will manifest in due course. So, stop looking for signs that it will show up. Get on with your life and don’t get caught up in the negative emotions of lack, of absence. When those thoughts emerge—which they inevitably will—gently redirect your attention back to gratitude, to love, to acceptance and non-attachment.

Remember, it is the constant focus on not having your desire that pushes it away. When we reach a place of non-attachment, the very thing we want flows into our lives at exactly the right time.

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People Hurt Each Other Because Of Their Own Deep Pain

A Soul Agreement To Experience Karmic Lessons

“So other people hurt me? That’s their problem. Their character and actions are not mine. What is done to me is ordained by nature, what I do by my own.” — Marcus Aurelius

We’ve all been hurt before. Whether it happened in our family, a friend, a colleague, or an intimate relationship. Every one of us has faced pain and identifies with sadness, rejection, anger and similar emotions. It can feel terrible when we’re hurt, and it resonates throughout our life for a long time. But we can learn a lot from our pain and I don’t mean becoming more resilient but softening in those parts that were once rigid. We can learn to be more compassionate and kinder to those who hurt us.

I realise this may not be the message you want to hear, particularly if someone has hurt recently you. Nevertheless, people who hurt us do so because of the pain they carry. Hurt people, hurt others because it is the only language they know. I’m not condoning their actions but inviting you to look at the bigger picture. Hurt people don’t deal with their pain and transfer it on to others via manipulative means. For example, how did you respond if someone hurt you recently? Did you to maintain a healthy boundary with the person or did you try to help them overcome their pain?

Some people try to help the wounded and are hurt even more. The wounded don’t want our help because they don’t recognise, they need help. Remember, this is about self-preservation and they will go to great lengths to avoid pain (pain-pleasure principle) and indulge in activities that anaesthetise their pain. More often than not, we become the recipient of another person’s pain and therefore we must distance ourselves, if we can. Don’t feel obligated to save them because they don’t want to be saved. Sometimes, a person’s karma in this life is to experience pain and transform it. I don’t intend this to mean human beings must endure suffering and we ought to allow it. Rather, we may have a soul agreement to experience karmic lessons for our soul’s evolution. It is not our job to intervene unless we are asked to, otherwise the other person won’t benefit from our involvement.

This is not always the case because you might have a sibling, a parent, a child or loved one, whom it is your responsibility to care for. But if you’ve repeatedly tried to help them without success, there might be a deeper lesson they need to learn. Sometimes, we need to hit rock bottom to find our way back. Whilst rock bottom can be a dark place, we discover the light of our being and the true essence of our soul nature. What are your impressions about this so far? I’m certain you have questions and you might disagree with me and that’s fine. I invite you to sit with your questions and write about how you feel in your journal.

We Ought To Heal Our Wounds

“The thought caused me a good deal of grief. What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for – and to do it so unconsciously.” — Haruki Murakami

The key is to investigate our thoughts with openness and compassion. It’s okay to feel resistance and disagreement about something you don’t understand. You don’t have to agree with me or anyone else, but it’s important you find your own truth. Disagreement can lead toward your truth. People hurt each other because of the trauma they’ve experienced throughout their life. For some people, they don’t know how to ask for help or may lack the financial resources to seek therapy or counselling. So, they bury their pain, hoping it will be forgotten. But it always resurfaces because pain has a way of revealing itself.

It resurfaces when we are in an intimate relationship and the other person mirrors our deepest beliefs. Naturally, we go to war with them, believing they caused our pain. In fact, they are reflecting what we believe at the unconscious level. They are our healing agent, pointing us towards self-transformation. I know it’s difficult to accept when another person triggers pain within us. But the source of our pain is already present inside of us and they activate it without knowing it. If the same individual triggered the pain buttons of another person, they may not react the same way. For example, I’m triggered by loud music and screaming because I grew up with a stern father who was voicetress in his disciplining. Yet, my sisters who grew up in the same household are unaffected because they were treated differently. They don’t have the same wounds and therefore are not triggered like I am.

So how can we deal with those who hurt us? First, it’s important we maintain healthy barriers and distance ourselves from them. This is not always possible, but it may involve limiting our contact with them. Second, we ought to heal our wounds because there will come a time others will trigger us again in the future. Therefore, if we carry unresolved trauma, it is likely we will have to face our own demons once more. The key is to work on ourselves through self-enquiry, or if you are working with a professional counsellor or therapist, continue doing the work. Ultimately, we are all wounded in some form because of our life experiences and the antidote to pain and trauma is not retaliation or anger but compassion and kindness.

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Just Because It Hasn’t Happened Yet, It Doesn’t Mean It Won’t Happen In The Future

Keep An Open Mind

“Leap, and the net will appear.” — John Burroughs

What have you been hoping for that hasn’t turned out as planned? Is it a goal, a dream, being in a committed relationship, or something similar? Why haven’t your plans materialised yet? It’s important we consider all possibilities because there could be other reasons things haven’t manifested the way we like. Sometimes the universe has a greater plan for us, which I equate to the game of chess. The moves must be calculated in the same way a Grandmaster considers all possibilities from the one chess move.

So, just because something hasn’t happened for you, it doesn’t mean it won’t happen in the future. In fact, it may happen better than you expect. You’ve got to be convinced of it and hold the belief things will get better. For example, you can’t be sitting around waiting for a relationship to materialise out of thin air. You’ve got to be working on yourself, so when a suitable person comes along, you are ready for it. Similarly, it might require more self-enquiry, such as healing wounds from the past or getting clear on why you want to be in a relationship.

After years of writing, speaking and coaching on personal growth, I strongly believe we live in a supporting universe. As long as we are aligned with our greatest self and connect with love, peace and harmony, everything we desire will come to us at the right time. What are your thoughts about this? You might disagree because experience has shown you otherwise, and that’s okay. It’s normal you feel this way now, and I’m not trying to convince you of something that isn’t true for you. But I ask you: are you willing to change your beliefs or entertain the possibility that what I’m saying could be true?

I’ve seen it in my own life and the hundreds of people I’ve coached over the years. I have no desire to make this stuff up, to get likes and shares. If these words don’t resonate with you, it doesn’t matter how often it gets shared around, it will be discarded. The proof lies in putting it to the test, to see if it works for you. It may work for some people and prove wrong for others. It’s a matter of testing new ideas and keeping an open mind. I don’t claim to be an expert on how the universe works. My research and study on the topic show the universe works in mysterious ways, and unbeknown to what we understand.

I’ve seen this in my own life where unexpected events took place. Some were blessings, and others were unpleasant surprises that challenged me to grow. But I’ve learned not to focus on the chaos, but to go through the storm and wait for the growth to show up. In fact, when I experience challenges, I welcome them because I know something wonderful is happening behind the scenes. I know that if the universe is pushing me to expand through pain and discomfort, there are wonderful lessons in store for me.

Maintain A High Bandwidth Of Positive Emotions

“Remember, just because something hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it’s impossible.”— Brad Meltzer

Therefore, just because that wonderful relationship hasn’t happened, it doesn’t mean it won’t happen in the future. You’ve got to assign a deep belief that life can change unexpectedly. It happens every day; some people lose their job in a day. Others get married in a day. Fortunes are lost and gained in a day. The universe is mysterious and we ought to embrace it, not fear it. The same entity that brings us challenges also offers us wonderful surprises and blessings. It’s a matter of perception and how we look at our experiences. Are you comfortable with these ideas so far? Are you beginning to see that just because your circumstances are the same, it doesn’t mean it will follow the same trajectory forever?

So how can you use this knowledge in the future? How can you get through those times when nothing seems to be going right? It lies in your faith and patience. You’ve got to trust in a benevolent universe to bring you what you need because your desires are not separate from life. The fact you have a desire is born out of the same intelligence that gave you life. I’m assuming your desire is not to hurt others or contravene natural laws. If so, our desires will manifest once we are in alignment with the greater plan for our life. We don’t know what the plan is, but an indicator we are on the right path is by how we feel. Our emotions are our barometer, whether our desires are in alignment with universal laws or going against the tide.

Therefore, if you feel guilt, anger, disappointment, anxiety or sadness, there’s a good chance your desire is out of alignment with what is right for you. However, if you feel joy, happiness, excitement, enthusiasm and passion, there’s a good chance your desire is in alignment with what is right for you. It’s a matter of nurturing those emotions consistently. Having wants and needs isn’t selfish, but it’s important we feel good about them. So, if the idea of being in a loving and committed relationship makes you feel joy, love and peace, you are on the right track. It is a matter of staying in alignment with those emotions consistently.

That is all you need to do. The key is to get out of your head and into your heart and maintain a high bandwidth of positive emotions, without sabotaging it with negative thoughts. But being the meaning-making machines we are, we can’t help over-analysing when things don’t work out. Suddenly, we go from feeling good to negativity and wonder why our desires haven’t manifested. Knowing this, I invite you to write in your journal five things you want to manifest. In a column next to your desires, write what emotions come up when you contemplate achieving them? Is it love, peace, joy, happiness, etc? Focus on these emotions when you think of your desires. If you start to think of the reasons it hasn’t happened yet, thank your thoughts and shift your attention back to your positive emotions. Remember, the key is to quiet your mind and let your emotions guide you. Because our past needn’t dictate our future but can be a wonderful springboard to a life beyond our wildest dreams.

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