Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 11

How To Get Comfortable With The Way Things Are, Even When You Don’t Like It

Overcome Pain And Suffering

“Do not resist the pain. Allow it to be there. Surrender to the grief, despair, fear, loneliness, or whatever form the suffering takes. Witness it without labelling it mentally. Embrace it.” — Eckhart Tolle

I want to ask you a series of questions, which I hope you are comfortable answering to yourself. First, how do you react when things don’t go your way? What emotions do you experience? Is it anger, anxiety, fear, or other negative emotions? What is your inner dialogue during these times? More importantly, how do you comfort yourself when you feel this way? It’s a given; life will not always go the way we expect. Unfortunate situations will arise and we must deal with circumstances we haven’t experienced before. This can be difficult because we fear we cannot handle what is taking place.

But that is only our initial reaction, and things are likely to change as we move into the unknown. Our negative emotions matter because they help us make sense of what is taking place in our life. The key is to feel the fear and do it anyway, as author Susan Jeffers states in her self-titled book. For instance, psychologist talk about getting comfortable with discomfort and uncertainty. This is not as easy as it sounds, unless you’re a Navy Seal, Green Beret or Commando. These highly decorated special forces are known for operating in difficult environments and dealing with discomfort and uncertainty. But for many of us who are not trained like these individuals, inhabiting our discomfort zone can be frightening.

So, what is the purpose of being comfortable with how things are? It means we experience less stress, pain and suffering because we accept life as it is instead of wishing the situation was different. In fact, it is something I often see in my coaching practice with individuals. Many people experience pain and suffering and want to learn how to overcome it. They believe I will show them how to change the situation and are surprised to learn, I help them change the way they look at it. Invariably, they learn to confront their pain and change their perception of what is taking place, which turns down the volume on their suffering.

How To Overcome Difficulties

“I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” — Maya Angelou

Are you comfortable with this understanding so far? Could you entertain the idea that life’s circumstances are not the root cause of our pain and misery, but it is how we interpret them? Because if I were to take a population of people and expose them to a difficult situation, each person would interpret it differently. So, we either change the circumstances causing us pain or we change our response to it. This is the essence of what author Michael Singer captures in his latest book, Living Untethered: “One of the most amazing things you will ever realize is that the moment in front of you is not bothering you—you are bothering yourself about the moment in front of you. It’s not personal—you are making it personal.” Granted, sometimes, we cannot change our external conditions, and this is when we must change our response instead of internalising the stress.

Let me be clear here and say this in no way underscores what is taking place in your life. So, if you are facing difficulties with your employer or intimate partner, it requires acknowledging your emotions. However, to suggest this person or condition is the only source of your suffering is unwise because there could be something within you triggering the pain. It is about walking a tightrope between balance and discomfort. Because stress can actually be helpful to our nervous system, but being exposed to too much stress tips us over the edge. To get comfortable with the way things are requires understanding our emotions instead of resisting them. In some respect, we must befriend our emotions.

Here, befriending means making time to listen to our emotions and understand what they are trying to convey. In most instances, negative emotions are protective parts we have neglected. Therefore, when we come home to ourselves in an authentic and compassionate way, we open the door to healing and integration. We let go of judging what is taking place and consider the lessons contained within the experience. I often repeat this throughout my writing because I believe it to be true. Trying to find meaning is subjective, based on our level of awareness. Every person will attribute a different meaning to their circumstances. However, the lessons learned from our difficult experiences are what we ought to place a value on most.

So, could you do this? Could you allow yourself to get comfortable with the way things are right now, even if you don’t like it? Could you welcome your anxiety, anger, fear and other difficult emotions? Are you willing to learn something true and authentic about yourself through these emotions? I assure you, when you decide to show up for yourself in an authentic and compassionate way, you transcend any difficult experience. In fact, you invite these powerful emotions to join with you in a way you never thought possible. I’ve gone through the process myself and welcomed anger, fear, hurt and judgement frequently. What is more, I’ve coached hundreds of people to see how their difficulties contain opportunities for personal growth. It requires changing the way we look at things, instead of perceiving life through a single focus.

Considering this, I invite you to answer the questions I asked you in the opening paragraph. If you’ve been following my work, you will know I frequently ask questions in my work because there is tremendous value through self-enquiry. This is a powerful tool because you become your own therapist (healer), instead of relying on others to give you the answers. Equally, self-enquiry is not a replacement for therapy but a compliment to it. When you work through your problems on your own, you become resourceful and develop self-belief and self-esteem. This is the point of self-development: working through our problems to grow into the person required to overcome them. Ultimately, if we want to get comfortable with the way things are, it requires setting aside our beliefs on the way life should be and accepting circumstances as they are. As we do, we open the door to transformation and allow life to show us who we need to become to transcend our pain and suffering.

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Why Denying Your Negative Emotions Means Rejecting Yourself

Witness And Detach From Negative Emotions

“The more capacity one has for an experience, the more tolerable the experience is, and the easier it is to remain a witness to it in a steady manner.” — Raja Selvam

I want to ask you a question, so simple that you may have overlooked asking it yourself: how do you experience negative emotions? Do you get curious about them? Do you make time to sit and process the emotions? Or do you distract yourself with activities such as scrolling through social media, socialising, binge watching TV shows, etc?  

Now, you might think: who wants to process negative emotions? After all, you’re likely to experience many throughout the day and it would be a waste of time to process them all. I completely understand your concern, however if you don’t make peace with your negative emotions, you are rejecting yourself. Allow me to expand on this further. Until you develop the wisdom to process your difficult emotions, your life will be fuelled by the suppression of negative energies within you. For example, when a negative experience or person inflames these suppressed feelings, you believe they are the source of your pain, when in fact they are the trigger for the pain. Expressed differently, the pain is already present within you, but the energy devoted to suppressing it leads to re-experiencing the negative emotions. 

It requires becoming a witness to your emotional experience without becoming entangled in the emotions. I realise this is easier said than done because negative emotions are real and to separate yourself from them requires practice and patience. But each time you witness your negative emotions and detach from them; you lesson the discharge of negative energy stored in your subconscious mind. In effect, you are dissipating the negativity, so when a similar experience occurs, your reaction is likely to be less inflamed. Does this make sense? Can you see that becoming an observer of your emotions allows you to create a space around them? It is this act of witnessing that allows awareness to do the heavy lifting, instead of the egoic self, which forms a judgement around the negative emotion.

Accepting Negative Feelings

“The remnants of pain left behind by every strong negative emotion that is not fully faced, accepted, and then let go of join together to form an energy field that lives in the very cells of your body.” — Eckhart Tolle

To put this another way: the tendency to reject yourself arises from disapproving of your negative feelings. And you are not entirely responsible for feeling this way because your primary caregivers and society inform you, it is wrong to experience anger, shame and guilt. So, you suppress these feelings, but the suppression of any negative feeling is an act of rejection of oneself. This is because the wholeness of your true nature means being comfortable with your shadow self. Namely, you accept your negative emotions and integrate them into the wholeness of your being. It is integration, not separation, that leads to wholeness. Therefore, you accept all that is because pure awareness does not judge or limit itself to only positive feelings. Mother nature has given us negative feelings for a reason. If you believe there are no accidents within a purposeful universe, it must follow that your negative feelings serve a purpose.

In other words, your positive and negative feelings are an integral part of who you are. Therefore, you create separation when you identify with positive feelings and exclude negative emotions because you are judging aspects of yourself. I’m not inviting you to love your negative feelings, but asking you to accept them as they arise. Remember, acceptance does not mean liking what you experience. It means dropping your resistance to what is taking place. Acceptance means negative emotions such as anger, shame or guilt can be useful in helping you discover aspects about your true self. For example, anger can help you set boundaries on what you’re willing to accept. Shame and guilt open the door to self-love and self-acceptance because they invite you to heal aspects of your past you may have misidentified with.

I hope you get the sense that acceptance, not rejection of one’s negative feelings, leads to transformation and healing? So, I ask you: could you give yourself the gift of accepting your negative emotions, instead of pushing them away? Even if it means processing them a little each time, it will go a long way in helping you to heal from negativity. You see, rejection of oneself is deeply rooted in the subconscious mind and the more energy awarded to it can lead to a sense of hopelessness, uncertainty, and even depression. Therefore, when you distract yourself from dealing with negative emotions, you signal to your subconscious mind it is wrong to feel this way. So, the energy of rejection is kept alive throughout your Mind-Body experience.

Process Your Negative Emotions

“The way to change our bodies is to change our thoughts and feelings. We must let go of negative thoughts and belief systems and shed the stress of negative emotions that give them energy.” — David R. Hawkins

So how can you transform your negative emotions without suppressing them? As I’ve explained earlier, it requires creating time in your busy schedule to sit with your emotions and process them. There are many books that explain how to process negative emotions. One I have found useful over the years and recommend to coaching clients is titled: Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by the late Dr David R. Hawkins. In the book, Dr Hawkins explains how to process negative emotions by making it a regular practice. The benefits of this practice include emotional freedom, transforming pain and suffering, healing of physiological symptoms, and reduction in stress, to name a few.

The underlying principle in processing negative emotions is to allow the emotion to complete its natural cycle. Therefore, if you suppressed the feeling when you first experienced it, it is bound to stay active in your mind and body system. Sometimes, it can lead to physiological dysfunction and may cause illness or disease. For instance, the neuroanatomist, Jill Bolte Taylor, suggests it takes 2 ½ minutes for an emotion to move through your nervous system. So, if the emotion remains stuck and not allowed expression, the energy of repressing it may cause stress in your mind and body.

Considering this, I invite you to write a list of the negative emotions you experience often. Is it fear, anger, shame, guilt, or other emotions? Write each emotion on the left-hand side and see if you can work through what the emotion is inviting to you learn about yourself. It is patience, kindness, setting boundaries, compassion, or something else? Once you have completed this exercise, carve out time throughout the week to sit with these negative feelings and process them thoughtfully. Feel them through your body because each time you do, you are releasing a layer of negative conditioning from your mind and body. Ultimately, when you reject your negative feelings, you are rejecting yourself. This is something you have the power to shift by greeting your negative emotions with openness, self-compassion, and curiosity.

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You Don’t Know What You’re Capable Of, Until You’re Knocked Down And Have To Get Back Up

Get Comfortable With Uncertainty

“The root of suffering is resisting the certainty that no matter what the circumstances, uncertainty is all we truly have.” ― Pema Chödrön

How do you react when you experience hardship? Do you give up or try to find the inner strength to get through it? Our experience during our darkest times decides who we are beneath the surface of our character. We cannot disguise our true self amid our challenges because it is reflected in how we respond to our difficulties.

Here’s a thought: we don’t know how we will react during difficult times until we’re knocked down. We won’t know the depth of our true strength until we have no other option than to rise again. For example, the former professional boxer Mike Tyson was once quoted as saying: “Everyone has a plan ‘till they get punched in the mouth.” Whilst he was drawing on a boxing metaphor, a similar analogy applies to our life. In other words, we don’t discover the depth of our resiliency until something unexpected happens. It is then we decide whether we are victims of our circumstances or choose to rise above our difficulties.

This is where we must exercise our true strength when we have no other option. For instance, if your loved one is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, or you lose your life savings in a scrupulous financial scheme, or your partner leaves you. This is when one’s strength of character comes into action. Have you met this other self during difficult circumstances? If so, what did you learn about what you are capable of? Growth does not take place when we are comfortable because we are not reaching beyond our comfortable existence. Those who do not venture outside their comfort zone will experience disappointment and frustration, since they are not activating their inherent power.

Expressed differently: we have latent faculties waiting to come alive when needed most. But if we avoid difficult conditions, we don’t activate these faculties. Whilst an overused metaphor, performing strength training at the gym supports our muscles and nervous system, so we become fitter and stronger. The same thing occurs when we face difficulties and lean into them. We activate our resiliency muscles, that remain stored away until we use them. Therefore, we must venture beyond our comfortable existence and exercise these latent qualities when it matters most. That is, we ought to get comfortable with uncertainty and discomfort because that is where growth takes place. It requires befriending discomfort instead of running away from it. In doing so, we extend our tolerance for discomfort without exposing ourselves to trauma. This was an essential teaching of stoicism, espoused by the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius.

Greet Your Struggles With Openness And Curiosity

“Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle.” — F. Scott Fitzgerald

Here’s the thing: as we step outside our comfort zone, we incorporate the lessons learned into our life. It involves getting close to the pain, instead of it being separate from us. That is, the pain or discomfort is not happening to us because we are choosing to coexist with it. We are consenting to the pain instead of resisting it. Resistance causes suffering and prolongs our anguish. But if we gradually lean towards the pain and find meaning and purpose through it, we will perceive it differently. Namely, the pain changes its intensity and association because it is no longer separate from us. I know this may sound gloomy; however, we can learn to accept what is taking place through a whole mind-body practice.

For example, I hurt my shoulder recently while swimming at my local pool. I hadn’t had a break since October 2021 and sensed a nagging pain in my shoulder. I could swim through the mild irritation, but suddenly the pain was too much, so I sought professional help and they advised me to take two weeks off training. During this time of inactivity, I processed the pain via journaling and meditation practice. I allowed the pain to be there without pushing it away or trying to change it. Gradually, I noticed my relationship to the pain shift. The intensity of the pain didn’t change, but my relationship with it changed. Specifically, the pain no longer dominated my attention because I learned to coexist with. I accepted it and dropped my resistance to it. Moreover, I sat with the emotions that the pain brought up and processed them thoughtfully.

This is one way we can process pain and suffering instead of allowing it to dominate us. You see, when our only response is to confront our fears; our insecurities and doubts, it is then we discover our greatest self. We can be backed into a corner and feel helpless or choose to move through our difficulties as best we can. The most obvious way is to change our thoughts about what is taking place. A change in thinking can shift our mood and behaviour immediately; it’s a choice. For some people, it means being pulled into a pit of despair until they can take no more and must excavate their way out of misery. It is about finding whatever strength we need to move past our pain and struggles. Are you satisfied with this understanding so far? Could you allow yourself to process your pain instead of feeling defeated when unexpected conditions arise?

We choose to lean into our pain and struggles, otherwise we miss out on the growth that accompanies it. I’m not suggesting we look for challenges because they are bound to land in our lap when least expected. I’m suggesting when problems arise, we ought to greet them with an open mind. Your greater self is not some distant version of you that is unattainable. It is found in meeting your struggles with openness and curiosity. It is choosing to move through your difficulties instead of believing life is happening to you. I’ve repeated this message often throughout my writing because I believe it to be true: life is not happening to you, but unfolding for you. The quicker you make this association, the quicker you will prevail through your difficulties.

Considering this, contemplate a recent challenge that has been occupying your attention. If you’ve been resisting it, how could you change your relationship to what is taking place? For instance, could you accept things as they are, even though you dislike it? You don’t need to like something to accept it. Acceptance means dropping your resistance to it. Could you offer less resistance to your troubles and accept your emotions of anger, frustration, or anxiety? There’s always something we can do to change our relationship to pain and difficulties, and it may not be a big step. After all, you won’t know what you’re capable of until you are pushed to your limits, and it is there you discover your greater self.

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Why Self-Love Is The Greatest Superpower You Never Knew You Had

We Build Walls To Protect Us

“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy.” — Jim Rohn

Do you know you possess one of the greatest superpowers that can heal and transform your life? I realise I’m making a big statement here, but stay with me as I explain this further. This superpower exists within and you needn’t sign up to a monthly subscription to discover its inherent energy. What it requires is learning how to associate with this superpower to bring forth its innate wisdom.

Allow me to give you some background on why I’m convinced of this truth. Some time ago, I caught up with my kinesiologist who has a background in psychotherapy and Polyvagal theory, which is based on three organising principles of the nervous system (Hierarchy, Neuroception and Co-regulation) of healing trauma. I make it a practice to visit her when I sense I’m holding on to any limiting beliefs. In the session, I told her that when I was young; I did not feel seen or heard by others. Therefore, she invited me to connect with the emotions of anger and resistance, which she felt were attributed to these feelings.

Is this something you’ve experienced in your relationships? It’s the sense that others don’t acknowledge you authentically. I felt the same dynamic play out throughout my adult life, whether it was through intimate relationships, family members, or friends. She asked me to imagine how this feeling appeared in my mind and where it was situated in my body. The feelings were in my torso, where I pictured a stainless-steel basin occupying the area. The basin was empty, signifying the metaphysical relationship of not being heard or seen; empty and bare. She invited me to go deeper into these feelings, which was followed by a remarkable vision. I saw an image of the most breath-taking pink flower that multiplied and overflowed the basin. In that moment, I was flooded with a sense of self-love that reminded me of my greatest strength.

Whilst I was in this state recalling images and sensations, I received the following messages: “Tony, self-love is your strength.” This presence then invited me to: “Lighten the load,” meaning stop carrying the burden of your problems and let them go. To be clear, I wasn’t channelling but connecting with a deepest wisdom within me. Like many people, we build a wall to protect ourselves from getting hurt during traumatic events in our life. In my case, the image I saw in my mind was of a mediaeval knight’s armour, replete with full metal costume protecting me. You see, when I was young, I created a mental image of a knight’s armour to protect me from getting hurt. I enjoyed knight’s tales and read widely about them rescuing people from their assailant. I believed the armour was my strength back then because of my emotional wounds. However, the loving presence was reminding me that self-love was my greatest superpower and there was no longer a need to protect myself. I was overcome with a radiating flow of love throughout my entire body with the image of flowers overflowing the basin. It was a reminder that self-love, not resistance or self-protection, is our healing agent.

Bathe In Our Superpower

“When you let love become your superpower, you open yourself up to a miraculous life.” ― Kris Franken

Here’s the thing: it’s natural we armour up to protect ourselves when we experience pain or trauma. No one is immune from being hurt and because of our emotional life, we are bound to experience sadness, rejection, anger and disappointment. Naturally, we create a defence to safeguard our heart from being hurt. It makes sense we respond this way because it is a primitive mechanism to keep us safe. Our mind and body are doing what our biology has intended us to do; protect us until it is safe to process our pain. But what if, in doing so, we don’t undertake the journey of healing our pain or trauma? What if we continue to armour up without processing our wounds? What if our greatest superpower is self-love, not adding more layers of protection? How do you feel about this? Could you entertain the idea that self-love is your true protector, your guardian and safe keeper?

If you consider the metaphysical relationship of armour, it is thick, strong, rigid and impenetrable. Whilst it protects and defends us from getting hurt, it prevents us from truly healing because the armour stops us taking risks and leaning into life, with an open and courageous heart. Therefore, self-love is the superpower we need to heal our life and transform our wounds. Self-love is the essence of who we are. Love is the spirit of our core nature as human beings.

Therefore, by drawing on self-love, we bathe ourselves in our superpower, which is self-giving and self-serving. This superpower never runs out, no matter whether we experience trauma, pain, or guilt. It is always available, even during our darkest hour or hour of uncertainty. Knowing this, you might be thinking: “How do I call upon this superpower?” Working with a trained mental-health therapist is a sensible choice for those who have experienced childhood trauma. The therapist will teach you how to re-parent yourself by being compassionate when you experience sadness, anger, or other negative emotions. These states are a call to activate your superpower, to transform your pain. Therefore, when you experience negative emotions, put on your superpower suit of self-love, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness to heal your inner child.

It requires coming home to yourself regularly and sitting with your negative emotions, instead of dismissing them or drowning them with alcohol, drugs, or other forms of escapism. Are you willing to try it? Could you give yourself the gift of sitting with your emotions when you are angry, sad, disappointed, etc? I realise it’s a practice many people ignore because life is difficult and who has time to sit with their negative emotions? But if we don’t undertake this practice, we neglect the beautiful inner child, which will create a defence to protect itself. It believes it will get hurt and is triggered when it feels unsafe. This inner child is calling out to be seen, to be heard, and bathed in love. After all, if self-love is your greatest superpower, isn’t it time you let it transform your life in ways you never thought imaginable?

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Don’t Let Guilt Hold You Hostage From Growing Into The Person You’re Meant To Be

Self-Compassion And Self-Forgiveness To Heal Guilt

“You can sit there forever, lamenting about how bad you’ve been, feeling guilty until you die, and not one tiny slice of that guilt will do anything to change a single thing in the past. Forgive yourself, then move on!” — Wayne Dyer

Are you holding on to any guilt at the moment? Perhaps it is the guilt of a former relationship turned sour or something you failed to act on? See if you can connect with the feelings of guilt and where they appear in your body. For example, do you notice an empty feeling in your chest or a gnawing, stabbing sensation in the pit of your stomach? Try to locate the epicentre of the emotion.

Guilt is an emotion many people carry and learn to cope with. There are many reasons we experience guilt, which can show up in many of ways. Psychologists believe shame and guilt are intertwined, meaning where there is guilt, shame is attached to it. Therefore, when we heal our guilt, we address the shame associated with it. Is this something you can identify with? For instance, I still carry the guilt on turning my back on a career in fashion design, after gaining a B.A in Fashion. Although it was the right decision, I often wonder how far I could have gone in my career if I stuck it out. I don’t regret the decision to walk away from it, but I feel guilty for having gone to university and wasted years of study.

So how do we transform the guilt that holds us hostage? First, it’s important we recognise we acted in the best way we could. The late American poet Maya Angelou said: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Therefore, to heal guilt and shame is to acknowledge we were doing the best we could, given our level of awareness. Now that we know better, we can make informed decisions and respond with purposeful action. In other words, we ought to develop self-compassion and self-forgiveness to heal our guilt, so we grow into the person we’re meant to be. Are you happy with this idea? Can you see that as you develop, you make better life decisions? So, in forgiving ourselves, we extend forgiveness to others who may have contributed to our guilt. Perhaps there was a pivotal lesson embedded in your experience to help you discover the healing power of forgiveness?

You won’t know until you take the first step and reframe the guilt. It requires letting go of the memories of what went wrong and choosing to focus on healing the mistakes of the past. This is the beauty of forgiveness; it brings meaning to our experience. We surrender what took place, knowing the power of forgiveness can transform our memories and create a new canvas upon which to move forward. Part of this process requires letting go of the bitterness towards ourselves and others. These draining emotions keep us shackled to our past and offer nothing in return. They are lead weights on a deep-sea diver, instead of oxygen, that help the diver ascend to the surface. I admit, letting go of grudges is difficult because it signifies letting the other person off the hook. But that is a limiting perspective, because the other person may be oblivious to the suffering going on within you.

Move Closer To The Pain By Becoming Intimate With It

“Sit with the pain until it passes, and you will be calmer for the next one.” — Naval Ravikant

Expressed differently: guilt holds you hostage from growing into the person you’re meant to be. It is a negative script replayed often, based on a convoluted chain of memories. You would agree, there are two sides to every situation? If so, why would you hold on to one perspective, based on negativity, instead of considering an alternative view? Maybe if we are proven wrong, we will have built our assumptions about a lie and have to uphold our sense of guilt and blame. If the story of guilt and shame are repeated often, it becomes ingrained in the crevice of our psyche and we are convinced it is true. We see this playing out in the world now through the political landscape of world leaders lying to their people to justify terrible acts of violence.

Second, to transform guilt and become the person we’re meant to be requires understanding the messages guilt is trying to convey. Here’s the thing: at its primitive level, an emotion is a messenger to help us make sense of our life experiences. If we ignore it, it will resurface later and with greater intensity. The emotion is energy in motion (e-emotion) whose task is to move through our nervous system and be experienced by our entire being. So, we can choose to become curious of the guilt by asking the following questions via meditation, journaling, or both:

Am I remorseful for my actions or inactions in the past?Have I tried to make amends if another person was involved?Why am I persecuting myself? How does it benefit me? What do I get from it?Who would I be without the guilt or shame?How can I heal and transform the guilt/shame?

I invite you to answer these questions in your journal or diary, to get a sense of the true meaning behind your guilt. Similarly, below you will find a list of the main ‘Learning Points’ from this article, which I invite you to reflect on and write in your diary. When we move closer to the epicentre of our pain; we can see it clearly and it is there our vulnerability is transformed. We discover we have been clutching to our pain unnecessarily instead of listening to the emotion and allowing it to be expressed through us. After all, we have the power to make peace with our painful memories, so we are no longer held hostage by them. It is like a prisoner set free on their release day, where they re-experience the freedom to be the person they were meant to be.

Learning Points:Guilt is an invitation to heal denied aspects of ourselves.Guilt and shame and inextricably linked.Healing guilt and shame requires connecting with the emotions through our body.We must develop self-compassion and self-forgiveness to heal our guilt.We ought to lean in to our guilt and pain, to transform it.

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When We Face Our Vulnerability, We Become Intimate With Our True Nature

Being Vulnerable With Your Wounds

“Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat; it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.” — Brené Brown

Our pain is transformed the moment we become intimate with it, for our vulnerability lies in befriending the darkest places within us. Whilst the pain may seem foreign, it is because we are at a distance from it and must understand the cause of our primary wounds. You cannot be frightened of something when you are up close to it. For in becoming intimate with our repressed parts, we bring it to the surface and transform it into the wholeness of our true nature.

Consider this idea: when we face our wounds and shadows, we are no longer bound to them and discover the freedom of our true self. We do not set out to find our true self, as much as remember, the true self is confined beneath the rubble of the egoic self. Which is why it minimises our true worth. Here’s the thing: our defences, the very thing we put in place to protect us from trauma or emotional wounds, serve a purpose. They protect us from the pain but also create a barrier to experiencing our true nature.

Therefore, facing our wounds, is choosing to move forward with our healing despite the pain of the past. It’s clear we cannot change the past, but we can change our memories of what happened. We can look for meaning within the context of our suffering to transform our pain. Otherwise, our true nature will remain concealed through our traumas and wounds. It requires ripping off the Bandaid and undertaking the process of healing and integration.

Consider this in your own life. If you experienced pain or trauma, you will keep them alive by creating a narrative around the pain. For example, people talk about becoming a ‘survivor’ after their tragedy or suffering. I’m not suggesting this is wrong, for the mind will do what is necessary to preserve life when suffering occurs. I’m proposing we stop identifying with these labels at some point because they are reinforced beliefs when we speak about them.

So, to become intimate with our true nature requires being vulnerable with our wounds and pain; to the degree that we are ready. For some people, that might involve talking with a trusted friend about their pain. For others, it might be a greater commitment through therapy. We cannot force our healing any more than rushing an infant to walk when it is still crawling. This is why vulnerability is not a weakness; it is a strength. It is our guiding light of salvation for true freedom. In other words, we become intimate with our true nature through self-discovery and venturing into the sea of vulnerability.

You Are Not Broken, Wounded Or Damaged

“Instead of saying “I’m damaged, I’m broken, I have trust issues”, say “I’m healing, I’m rediscovering myself, I’m starting over.” — Unknown

To take this idea a little further: Vulnerability is the gateway to true healing, when we are no longer chained to our pain and suffering. Yes, vulnerability is frightening because of the uncertainty. It might scare us to venture into the unknown, but if we don’t take the step, we remain trapped in our pain, recycling it into the present moment. We are not transforming our life but re-traumatising ourselves through our memories. Something has to give. We must give way to an aspect of ourselves to transform our suffering.

Are you getting the sense that your pain and suffering is not something to run away from but to move closer to? Could you allow yourself to venture into the darkest places of your unconscious? Yes, it will be terrifying, but liberating not to be chained to a belief or emotion whose time has passed. We cannot live in the present moment and drag along the past like a worn-out childhood blanket. We must put on our grown-up pants and turn towards our pain, so we become intimate with the darkest places within us. This is when healing occurs and the happiness we seek flows from being free of negativity.

To look at it another way: intimacy requires befriending our darkness where we discover our true being. Intimacy is getting to know our disowned parts instead of running away from it. Our task is to peel away the layers of hurt and acknowledge what lies beneath it. That is the key message here: We are not broken, wounded or damaged. We have merely disassociated with our true nature because of our core wounds and built defences to keep us safe. But the defences we build can only protect us so much. When the time has passed, it is not useful to keep holding onto painful memories and we ought to begin the healing process.

Stop Running From Your Pain

“What hurts us is what heals us.” — Paulo Coelho

When I talk about deepening our understanding of our pain, I am referring to no longer being triggered by the memories that led to our wounds. It bears repeating once more: You cannot fear something you are intimate with. By moving closer to our pain, we befriend our wounds because we have listened to the messages they have to convey. We create a compassionate understanding of our emotions and peel away the layers of judgement underlying our wounds. We are no longer judging our feelings, but allowing them to pass through us freely.

For example, in Tara Brach’s latest book titled: Trusting The Gold, she outlines a simple affirmation when we experience a negative emotion or judgement: “This too belongs.” Instead of castigating ourselves or pushing down the emotions of anger, resentment, criticism or judgement, we silently affirm to ourselves: “This too belongs.” In doing so, we allow the emotion to communicate to us because there may be an important message we need to receive. But like many people, we ignore it, anaesthetise it or push it down, hoping it will go away; it never does. It is when we enter therapy and face our pain that we finally confront what we’ve been running away from our whole life.

Knowing this, I invite you to journal what vulnerability and intimacy mean to you. How do you show vulnerability in your relationship with others? How do you become intimate with your negative emotions and beliefs? Do you make time to listen to them and journal what they have to say? After all, when we are ready to face our vulnerability, we become intimate with our core nature, which is vested in love.

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When Things Don’t Work Out, The Outcome May Be What Your Soul Needs

Perceiving Life Through A Victim Mindset

“The problem that we have with a victim mentality is that we forget to see the blessings of the day. Because of this, our spirit is poisoned instead of nourished.” ― Steve Maraboli

Think about a recent situation that didn’t turn out as planned? What was your initial response? How did you deal with it? How did the experience affect you? Here’s the thing: When things don’t go our way, we get annoyed and believe life is unfair. Understandably, that is to be expected because when the situation has settled, we can see what is really taking place.

As you know, life rarely goes according to plan and unforeseen events arise when we least expect it. When this occurs, we ought to look for the lessons because there may be a soul experience greater than our level of awareness. By greater, I am referring to a deeper life lesson we would not have learned otherwise. Therefore, not all storms come to disrupt our lives. Some come to clear the path for what lies ahead. Challenges awaken us to our divine nature as spiritual beings. It requires waiting patiently for the storm to pass and trusting that life knows what it’s doing; even when it makes little sense.

I realise this is harder than it sounds because we have a habit of reacting to what is taking place, given our early childhood programming. For example, when things don’t go your way, do you get anxious, frustrated, angry, or resentful? Where in your childhood did you experience a similar event? What I’m trying to say is that our reactions are not the result of what is happening now, but the accumulation of our past wounds and trauma. Therefore, if we have not healed and processed the past, we perceive life through a victim’s mindset. But this viewpoint is subjective because others might see things differently. Can you relate?

We Are Soul Beings Having An Earthly Experience

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” — Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Here’s another provocative idea: The universe has a greater investment in our personal evolution as a soul, more so than a physical being. In other words, since life is continually expanding, our personal growth as a soul contributes to the betterment of humanity’s consciousness and, of course, our own. As a result, titles, awards, status symbols and achievements, while notable in the eyes of humanity, are secondary in the eyes of the universe. That is not to underscore the value of personal accomplishment by any means. It means our reference point is to expand as soul beings foremost. Therefore, difficulties and challenges touch the lives of every person, no matter who you are. Life doesn’t discriminate where there are lessons involved.

Loss, destruction, illness, etc., may appear like the universe is punishing us. In fact, it is providing us pivotal soul lessons to awaken us to our soul nature. We are creatures of habit and rarely step outside our comfort zone, but this can keep us stuck and stagnant. If disruption and change does not permeate our lives, we experience limited growth on a soul level. In relation to the universe being invested in our soul’s expansion; it will send us experiences or difficult people, so we grow into the person required to meet the demands of those lessons. Are you comfortable with this understanding so far? I want you to appreciate that disruption and change are not intended to punish you. They should help you discover the divine qualities of yourself; as a soul being having an earthly experience.

Meaning Is Subjective To Our Level Of Consciousness

“I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” — Joseph Campbell

Therefore, unexpected events, while disruptive, are what our soul intends for us to transcend our human limitations. How do I know, you ask? I’ve experienced two major soul experiences in my life, and I’m certain there will be more. The first was the loss of my father at 64 years, to complications from type II diabetes. I was 26 years at the time and knew nothing of death until I lost a parent at a young age. The second event occurred three years later, when I was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness at 29. Thankfully, I recovered from the illness, but having faced death on two occasions, I know intimately the score life keeps. I wasn’t convinced that life was cruel, but felt myself transformed through those experiences. As a result, I developed a deepening respect to be given a second chance of life and to be of value and service to others.

Not that I don’t experience problems and difficulties like everyone else. I face my own challenges and hardships every day, however, I approach them with a renewed mindset. I consider them through the lessons I am called to learn. These experiences allowed me to connect with a greater intelligence within me, to transcend my pain and suffering. Otherwise, I would not be writing about it had I tried to deal with them on a human level. If I tried to rationalise my experiences through logic, I may have found subjective meaning in what took place. However, I’ve learned to look for the soul lessons contained within these experiences.

So, what you consider is not benefiting you, may have its origins in a soul lesson. Your work is to discover it, instead of trying to find meaning in your situation. Assigning meaning to our pain and suffering is subjective to the level of consciousness we are operating. So, if we are caught in a victimhood mindset, the meaning we ascribe will be one of a victim mindset. It is best to set aside meaning and look for the soul lesson within our difficulties. How will you know? First, the experience is bound not to repeat itself when you overcome it. Second, you will experience an inner shift; an awakening of your spirit, so you cannot go back to living your former way of life.

With this understanding, I invite you to write in your journal or diary at least three lessons your experience is inviting you to learn. You may not get it the first time and that’s okay. This is a process, which may take days or weeks, but there’s no rush. Take your time and give yourself permission to go deeper into yourself, to discover what your soul desires for you to learn. After all, when things don’t work out as planned, the outcome may be what your soul needs for its growth, in contrast to the ego, which thrives on certainty and familiarity.

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How I Made Peace With My Thoughts And Transformed My Life

[image error]You Are Unique In Your Thought Life

“You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” — James Allen

I made peace with my thoughts by welcoming every thought, even the painful ones. In time, my mind settled and my life transformed, since I was no longer held captive to my thinking. In doing so, I discovered inner peace and freedom. Situations which previously caused painful feelings slowly melted away, and I was no longer wrestling with my thoughts.

It may sound hard to believe, but my greatest discovery throughout the journey is that I stopped believing my thoughts. Why do we buy into the false narrative our thoughts promote? People lie all the time and cannot be trusted, so why do we believe our thoughts are true? To be clear, I’m not talking about thinking to figure out problems. I’m referring to the incessant thoughts that pass through our mind repeatedly. The thoughts which emerge out of nowhere and convince us of something that isn’t true. Can you relate?

Here’s an idea to consider: Thoughts are subjective to the experiencer. There are many factors that determine how we think, including our upbringing, our state of health, childhood trauma, and our environment. In other words, our thoughts are unique to us because they are the amalgamation of our past and present. No two people share the same thoughts, even those raised in the same household. We are unique in our thought life and there is no such thing as ‘The Truth.’ There is only ‘Your truth.’

In my case, I was aware of the mental chatter for a long time. No matter what, the voice in my head was always talking back to me. Is this something you can identify with? If so, how do you deal with it? There came a point where the voice was overwhelming, so I turned my attention to meditation to calm my mind. This took many months of practise, but eventually I could sleep at night, without waking up to the incessant mental chatter. An even greater shift occurred when I stopped listening to my thoughts and paid attention to my feelings. This is when my life really transformed. I no longer believed my thoughts because, depending on my mood, my thoughts could not be trusted. For example, if I woke up in a bad mood, my thoughts would reflect this for the entire day. If I woke up in an agreeable mood, I felt fine. I was hinging the quality of my life based on what I was thinking, and this was no way to live.

Eventually, I had enough and wanted to be in control of my thoughts, without letting them dictate my mood. So, by turning my attention to my emotions, I observed my thoughts without becoming invested in them. I simply turned down the volume on my thoughts and shifted my awareness to my feelings. Our feelings are the expression of the soul, even painful ones. Many people are accustomed to running away from difficult feelings because they don’t want to deal with them. I’ve met countless people over the years who experienced something similar. They pay attention to their thoughts their entire life, which leads them on a wild goose chase. Therefore, if we can tune in to our feelings without manipulating them, we can make sense of them.

Welcome Your Difficult Feelings

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” — Oscar Wilde

Are you comfortable with this so far? Is it resonating with you that your feelings, not your thoughts, are the measure of your truth? The transformation took place when I was no longer chained to my thinking. Earlier, I mentioned if I awoke in the morning in a bad mood; it dictated how my day unfolded. Can you see how this is a recipe for unproductive living? We are at the mercy of our thoughts. You might reason because you experience your thoughts, they must be true? But what evidence are you going by? Observation alone?

I would argue because we are enmeshed in our thinking and blinded by our thoughts, it is difficult to make sense of them. Returning to my transformation, I am still aware of my thoughts, however, I now look to my feelings to see whether they are in alignment with my thinking. For example, if I wake up in a bad mood, I turn my attention to my body and notice the sensations there. I connect with them without resisting them. I recite the mantra: “I accept” or “I consent.” I welcome my thoughts without judging them or letting them rule my day. I simply observe them come and go from my mind without becoming attached to them.

More importantly, I welcome all thoughts, even painful ones, without censoring them. For much of my life, when I experienced painful feelings such as anger, sadness or a depressive mood, I tried to change the feeling. I immersed myself in activities so I wouldn’t have to feel the painful emotions. However, when I was not distracting myself, the emotions returned with greater intensity. Has this happened to you? I felt I was on a merry-go-round trying to get off, but powerless to do so. When I stopped resisting difficult thoughts and emotions, my mind settled and I found inner peace and an unbound freedom like no other. I wish the same for you because I know it is possible.

Considering this, see if you can practise welcoming difficult thoughts and emotions for the next 24 hours. Don’t rush it, but start small. When you notice them, move your attention to the part of your body where the feeling is situated. Breathe into it and silently affirm to yourself: “I accept.” Feel your feelings and let them come and go without trying to control them. You might notice their intensity will increase while you’re paying attention to them. Your inclination will be to run away from the emotion, but stay with it a little longer. Within a few moments, the emotion will settle and you will notice a sense of inner peace and an expansive space around you. This is your natural resting awareness filling the space of the emotion. After all, to transform our life, we must welcome all our thoughts but not be tied to them, since they are transitory states.

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Your Body Is Always Talking To You. Are You Listening?

The Body Is Selfless

“If you listen to your body when it whispers, you won’t have to hear it scream.” — Unknown

When was the last time you listened to your body speak? I don’t mean literally, but through sensations, impulses, or intuitive guidance. For example, are you aware of the subtle changes in your body from time to time? How do you treat your body in general? With compassion, nurturing, or with contempt? I do not intend to make you feel guilty, but help you identify your predominant relationship with your body.

Our body is constantly providing for us through the breath and the beating of our heart. These processes occur tirelessly and effortlessly, receiving no instructions from outside of us. They are precise and function as intended, regardless of whether we’re asleep or awake. The body gives so much of itself, asking nothing in return. Our gift to our body is to love and nurture it in the same way we would a child or a loved one. It involves treating it with kindness to show how much we care for our body.

For instance, have you ever considered the complexity of your body’s innate wisdom? Next time you meditate, I invite you to tune into your breath and notice it is constant without ever stopping to rest. It doesn’t stop when you’re asleep, nor when you’re showering or walking. Your breath provides you with rich oxygen to nourish every cell in your body all the time. It happens with no effort on your part. Sometimes, the body may work irregularly, but even then, it is still trying to correct itself and provide for your needs. Therefore, the body is selfless and gives of itself unconditionally.

Listen To Your Body

“No one can listen to your body for you … To grow and heal, you have to take responsibility for listening to it yourself.” — Jon Kabat-Zinn

Here’s an idea to consider: your body speaks to you in quiet whispers, which requires learning the language it communicates in. For this reason, we must develop a strong relationship with our body and not dismiss the signals we receive. I admit, it’s difficult to know what our body is saying sometimes, especially if we are living a fast-paced life. But this can be a call to slow down and connect with our body more often; to listen to the quiet intuitive impulses. It requires perceiving the sensations and messages the body is sending and listening to them with openness. For example, if you’re in a crowded place and surrounded by unfamiliar people, you might experience a headache. Rather than dismiss it or blame your body for being sensitive, listen to what the headache is trying to tell you. Perhaps it is a sign your body is uncomfortable being in an unfamiliar setting? Is it alerting you to anxiety, discomfort, or something else? Listen and tune in without judgement.

There’s a saying: “If you listen to your body when it whispers, you won’t have to hear it scream.” The underlying meaning here is that the body communicates in quiet undertones. If we dismiss the messages, the body will do what is necessary to get our attention, which may result in pain, illness, or disease. Similarly, many people nowadays use wearable devices that relay data on how their body is performing. However, they are limited insofar as they cannot tell what the body is feeling. This is because the body perceives emotions well before the brain has time to register them. It has an energy field, which can pick up subtle changes in our environment and communicate it to us.

How do you feel about this so far? Can you see that tuning in to your body is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself? It fosters a two-way relationship because you are giving it what it needs. For example, you might feel tired, but decide to push through your work until you are exhausted. However, by tuning in to the wisdom of your body, you take a small nap and come back to your work feeling rested. Yes, I agree, sometimes we are inundated with the pressures to get things done. But I’m inviting you to notice whether you are creating time to listen to your body’s needs.

Your Body Knows The Truth

“But the body tells the truth. If we turn to the body with curiosity and kindness, it will gradually show us how we feel. When that happens, we can begin to meet those truths with compassion.” — Willa Baker, The Wakeful Body

Practise the art of listening to your body. Speak to it often and let it know you are grateful for the tireless work it performs. It’s not as crazy as it sounds. For example, I know people who talk to their plants, which grow and flourish. I have no evidence whether talking to plants actually works. However, thanking your body for the constant work it performs is one of the best things to develop a stronger connection. After all, your body is a vessel for your experience of life. It holds all your emotions, wounds, and trauma. Therefore, we must listen to the body when it speaks, because there could be important messages it wishes to convey.

To put it another way: the body holds the truth because if we are attentive, it will show us how we’re really feeling. This is where mindful meditation can help us go deeper into the practice. It involves sitting in silence, tuning in to our breath and bringing our awareness to areas of our body. This is a practice I recommend when working with coaching clients for the first time. I invite them to create a ritual, starting with three minutes of meditation and extending the time progressively. It needn’t become a chore, but something they will come to enjoy. After all, we spend so much time maintaining, cleaning and fixing our bodies through grooming. So, it makes sense to add 5 or 10 minutes to our day to be in silence. We simply notice the breath and the sensations occurring in the body. We tune in to any emotional disturbances and welcome them without trying to control or push them away. Then, we invite them to be present and listen to any messages they are trying to convey.

In mindfulness circles, it is known the body is always in the present moment, yet our minds are stuck in the past or worrying about the future. When we are engaged with our breath and meeting the sensations of the body, we are anchored to the present moment. We are in harmony with our mind and body and become one in awareness. So, your practice over the coming weeks is to tune in to the wisdom of your body. See if you can recognise the impulses occurring throughout the day. Use a journal or diary to record your experiences and see if you can make sense of them. Look for a pattern or theme with the sensations. For example, you might notice more tension and anxiety throughout the working week and less so on the weekends. Note it in your journal and create more space for your body to be calm. After all, if our body is always talking to us and we are not listening, eventually we will hear it scream and by then it may be too late.

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How To Welcome All Your Feelings (Even The Difficult Ones) And Dissolve Any Resistance

Allow Your Feelings To Flow Through You

“When the feelings of sadness, anger, and depression appear, allow them to flow and allow yourself to express the emotion with the intention of not doing harm to others.” — Molly McCord

Think about a recent negative emotion you experienced? Was it anger, sadness, fear, or something else? What was your first inclination when you noticed the emotion? Resist it, ignore it or push it down? Regrettably, this is how many people react when unwelcomed emotions surface. From a young age, we learn some emotions are good and others are bad. But there are no such thing as good or bad emotions. All emotions serve a purpose and act as messengers, alerting us to something that requires our attention.

Here’s a helpful idea: when we experience unpleasant emotions, we must do our best to welcome them, not resist them. We’ve been conditioned our whole life to resist them because of their unpleasant nature. The key is to allow the emotions to move through us; to be integrated into our true nature of wholeness. It might surprise you to learn, the universe uses our painful emotions for our highest good. When we resist or push away painful emotions, we create separation. This results in our emotions growing stronger because they want to be acknowledged and expressed through us. Therefore, we must let go of characterising emotions as good or bad. An unpleasant emotion can be an excellent teaching aid, and a positive emotion can be bad for us if we remain stuck in it. We must allow our feelings to flow through us like water in a river.

There Is Only One Source Of Happiness

“Happiness cannot be travelled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.” — Denis Waitley

To illustrate this idea further: we free ourselves from our conditioning when we accept our feelings without trying to control or manipulate them. Read that passage again until you grasp its meaning, because it is worth repeating. Our job is not to control, resist, or manipulate painful emotions, but to allow them to pass through us. It involves welcoming and accepting everything we experience and integrating it into our being. In doing so, we are no longer separate from our painful emotions, but create a space around them. This space I speak of is the pure awareness where we discover our true nature. It involves not pushing your feelings down, even the unbearable ones. It bears repeating: welcome them, feel them and let them go as easily as they come.

You see, it is the nature of awareness to be open to all human experiences. Awareness does not discriminate between a negative or a positive emotion. Therefore, noticing painful emotions liberates us from becoming entangled in them. The act of acceptance and welcoming becomes our primary focus. Is this something you’re willing to practise? Could you stop resisting your negative emotions and allow them to come and go? It requires observing them with an open mind and heart and notice any impulses or intuitive insights that arise. We don’t even need to say yes to our experiences because awareness’ true nature says yes to everything, since it is all-encompassing. Resistance arises from the ego, whereas awareness accepts all that is because consciousness can use painful emotions for your greater good.

To put it another way: there is only one source of happiness, which is not dependent on external conditions. For example, we cannot experience one form of happiness when we’re with our beloved and another form if we receive a job promotion. In other words, happiness is not subjective to our experience of it in different settings. Happiness results from integration, acceptance, non-resistance and allowing. Happiness is the residue of letting go of what stands in the way of recognising our true nature; which is bound in love. Therefore, if we want to experience lasting happiness, we must surrender to our moment-to-moment experience and allow life to permeate through us. I’m not suggesting it will be easy, but with practice and patience, we will no longer be imprisoned by our negative thoughts and emotions.

This is the state of true freedom because we stop resisting unpleasant emotions and allow them to pass through us. Resistance arises because we try to control or manipulate our unpleasant feelings. But this does not serve us other than create emotional suffering and layers of judgement. I’m inviting you to let go of the judgement and drop into the pure awareness that you truly are. There is nothing to purchase when you practise this way of being. There is no subscription or annual fee, other than letting go of resisting what is. It requires saying yes to life, even when you cannot understand the meaning or purpose of your pain. Allowing and acceptance give birth to meaning as we become intimately familiar with our experience to truly appreciate it.

The Practice Of Welcoming And Accepting Your Feelings

“Instead of resisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully, embrace it and see through your resistance.” — Deepak Chopra

Are you willing to give this a chance? I’m certain you are frightened or inquisitive about how this works in practice. But the only way is to surrender to it a little at a time and note how you feel. For example, the next time you experience anger towards your partner, family member or friend, instead of resisting the anger, welcome it. Say yes to the feelings of anger and let it pass through you so it can convey a message about its significance.

If you are comfortable with this, I invite you to practice the exercise for the next 7 to 14 days, or for as long as you like. When you feel a painful emotion, silently affirm to yourself: “I accept” or “I consent.” Notice a feeling of inner freedom and expansiveness arising from within you. The practice of welcoming and accepting our feelings has a quality of lightness, whereas resistance is heavy and dark. The more you practice welcoming your painful feelings, the more layers of conditioning you remove, which is a healing agent for the soul. Ultimately, if we want to be liberated from negative emotions, we must welcome them and dissolve any resistance surrounding them. Difficult emotions are not the cause of our pain and suffering. It is our resistance to them that creates more of the same feelings, which leads to suffering, and this is something we have the power to control.

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