Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 12

When We Accept What Is, We Are Free To Act In Accordance With Reality

The Arrow Of Judgement And Suffering

“When suffering happens, it forces us to confront life in a different way than we normally do.” — Philip Yancey

Think of a time you tried to control someone or a situation to suit you. Did it turn out as expected? If not, what was the reason? It is my experience, trying to control outside conditions rarely proves successful because reality is more powerful. Instead, we ought to accept conditions as they are and change our perception of what is. Now, I can hear you say: “Tony, are you telling me to accept something I hate or dislike in my life.” Yes, and No. I am saying: we ought to accept things we cannot change because sometimes we are powerless to do anything about it. Similarly, you don’t have to like what is taking place, but accepting it lessens your pain and suffering and allows you to choose inner peace and freedom.

Here’s a point worth considering: acceptance does not mean resignation or apathy. It is an inner acknowledgement of how things are at the moment. It’s not to say circumstances will not improve in the future. However, at the moment, the situation is what it is, and we ought to release our resistance to how things should be. It bears repeating because this is an important point: we don’t have to like what is taking place, but we can accept it and work with our present conditions. It reminds me of the tale of The Two Arrows, in which the Buddha tells of a person struck by an arrow which causes them pain. He asks his student: “What would happen if the person were struck by a second narrow, in exactly the same place?” Now they experience pain and suffering because they have created judgement around the second arrow.

The Buddha says: in life we cannot control the first arrow because it represents the unexpected conditions of life. But we can control how we respond to the second arrow, which is fuelled by our reaction and judgement. In a similar vein, The Dalai Lama said: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” Meaning: unforeseen events will occur in life and we must avoid adding judgement because it fuels our suffering. It requires accepting the cards life hands us and not falling victim to the pain and disappointments of life. Could you do this? Could you allow yourself to drop your resistance and experience inner peace? Perhaps it requires drawing on your inner wisdom to accept conditions you cannot change.

You Are Free To Choose Your Attitude

“I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude.” — Charles W. Swindoll

Expressed differently: trying to control reality is a recipe for pain and suffering because we are limited in who and what we can control. If you’ve been in an intimate relationship and tried to control your partner, you will have experienced conflict and resistance. But if you accept them as they are, the very thing that troubles you about them may actually change. There are no assurances, but you will have changed anyway and found inner peace, which is more important than trying to change other people. We must change our perception of them, so we see the situation differently. People will disappoint us and circumstances will not always be favourable, so trying to control reality will only result in pain and misery. Ultimately, life is not about trying to control others or external conditions because these things are out of our control.

Once we accept what we cannot change, we are no longer chained to them and can experience inner peace and freedom. This can take practice and it may be difficult at first because the ego likes to maintain control. But this is a false sense of control because if we cannot control other people or external conditions, we are limited in our capacity to control reality. Therefore, we unchain ourselves from the bondage of control and are free to choose how we respond. We discover unlimited possibilities and by accepting all that is; it gives you the freedom to be yourself. This freedom is not bound by what others say or do. It is not related to what happens to you because a person who is accepting of reality is free to choose their attitude. This is true power. Power is not about trying to control or manipulate other people because, ultimately, it backfires on us.

Can You Accept Things As They Are?

“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” — Nathaniel Branden

Considering this, recall the earlier situation I asked you about in the opening paragraph. Perhaps it was a family member, a friend, or an intimate partner you tried to control. Maybe it was a job you wanted, or a new apartment or an item of technology. Whatever it is, recall the experience as best you can and summon the emotions you experienced. When I ask this question to clients in my coaching practice, they often cite negative emotions, such as anger, frustration, hate, and disappointment. So, if our emotions are our barometer of how we move through life, it makes sense that negative emotions are alerting us to something wrong with our thoughts or actions. In other words, the negative emotions you experience trying to control reality is life’s way of telling you to stay out of its business.

Therefore, I invite you to pick one or two situations you’ve been trying to control. Ask yourself whether you could accept the situation as it is, even if it is for one day. Note how you feel. Do you feel inner peace, freedom, or a sense of serenity? If you want to take the practice further, try extending it for another day and keep going for seven days or more. I often ask clients to download a habit tracker on their smartphone and track how long they can keep accepting a difficult situation until it no longer causes them misery. You can do it too. It may be difficult at first, but the advantages of non-resistance overshadow the effects of holding on to a situation beyond your control. After all, when we accept life as it is, we are free to act in accordance with reality and liberate ourselves from holding on to negative emotions.

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Why Failure Happens In The Same Space Where Courage Unfolds

Failure Is Not The End Of The Road

“Failure is a bend in the road, not the end of the road. Learn from failure and keep moving forward.” — Roy T. Bennett

Failure develops within us the resiliency and perseverance to rise above our disappointments. It is the space where courage unfolds to transcend our failures. Before we begin, consider your most recent failures. Reflect on one or two that stand out. What lessons did you learn from them? What risks did you take to reach these failure points? Was it worth it?

Here’s an idea to consider: Failure sharpens the saw of our character and reveals dormant powers necessary to rise above our challenges. Despite the negativity failure receives, it can help us decide what is important when pursuing our goals. Failure gives rise to unforeseen powers such as hope, courage and optimism. When we are disheartened chasing after a goal or dream, we have no other option than to lean on courage to get us through. And here’s the thing: failure is often a detour to a better destination. Therefore, we mustn’t assume we are a failure if our plans do not materialise in the way we expect. This is because we mustn’t tie our self-worth to the outcomes, but consider the lessons learned from them.

There is bravery in failing because once we have risked it all, we develop the courage to start again, with renewed optimism this time. Passion, enthusiasm and a deep commitment to honour our purpose lie at the heart of overcoming failure. Therefore, failure reveals the courage to try again, this time more persistently. It awakens within us the perseverance to rise above our setbacks and disappointments. This is where we meet courage to help us transcend our setbacks. Consider courage as the endurance quality required to fuel our endeavours. The more endurance and commitment given towards our goals and dreams, the greater the chance we will pursue it enthusiastically. Is this idea resonating with you so far? Are you comfortable knowing failure is not the end of the road but the beginning of where hope meets courage?

Expressed differently: courage is the opportunity to reignite our failures and turn them into focused attention to achieve our goals. Courage helps us get clear on inspired action to achieve our goals because we develop a renewed commitment towards our pursuits. Courage literally does the heavy lifting and if you’ve ever called upon courage, you will recall the inspired motivation towards your goals. It infuses it with something greater than our human qualities.

Failure Is The Space Where Courage Unfolds

“Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one’s ideas, to take a calculated risk – and to act.” — Andre Malraux

Equally, courage and failure live in the same space because what we give our attention to determines whether we succeed or fail. The point I wish to emphasise is: we can choose to see failure as a dead end or the crossroad where opportunity lies. If we orientate our attention to what we have to gain, we see our challenges giving rise to a deeper commitment to achieve them. In other words, we must reframe failure as a worthwhile pursuit, edging us closer to our goals. We may ask ourselves: “What else do I need to learn, improve upon, to succeed at this goal?” This way, we consider failure through the lens of growth and opportunity because it becomes a signpost to achieve our goals.

For example, I’ve written and published three books and finished writing my fourth book this year. I mention this because when I wrote the first book, the idea of writing 80,000 words frightened me. It felt out of my league, especially since I had no formal education in creative literature. I thought of myself as an imposter, and there were times I wanted to quit. I compared myself to established authors, which frightened me more. Can you relate to this, where you have undertaken a goal or project and felt way in over your head?

Nonetheless, I defined the project into manageable bits I tackled each day. I hired experts, such as editors, to polish my work. I reached out to those in the publishing industry and asked for their advice on book layout, cover design and other aspects of book publishing. I made a lot of mistakes, including not proofing the cover design for the book. This meant I was stuck with a design I didn’t like, but after negotiating with the printer, I rectified the situation with little fuss. In hindsight, the mistakes and failures helped me write and develop subsequent books and learn how to become an author.

You see, if we are committed to our goals, we mustn’t view failure as the end, but the opportunity to improve upon our mistakes, so we succeed. This is why courage helps us redirect our attention to what we are likely to gain. It is what Carol Dweck refers to as adopting a Growth Mindset, instead of a Fixed Mindset. We look at our problems through the lens of growth and expansion, instead of believing we are a failure or our goals have failed.

With this in mind, I invite you to return to the questions I asked you in the opening paragraph. Spend some time answering them in your journal or where you write notes. See if you can get a clear picture of what failure has taught you? Yes, the lessons may be costly, but they are invaluable, so they are not repeated. Sometimes, the lessons from our failures may not be apparent right away. However, with careful exploration, you will find the insights gained will help you succeed in future endeavours. After all, failure is the space where courage unfolds because if we have acted according to our deeper purpose, defeat mustn’t deter us, but generate the courage to achieve our goals.

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Why A Difficult Time For The Ego, Is A Period Of Growth For The Soul

Challenges Reveal Your Dormant Powers

“When life gets harder, challenge yourself to be stronger.” — Anonymous

Think of a difficult experience you faced this past year. Try to get a sense of the situation without getting consumed by it. Did you resist it at first? If so, why? Was it because of the negative emotions associated with the experience? Or because it was too much to face? Now, come back to the present moment and see if you can recognise the lessons gained from it. After you finish reading this article, I invite you to write the lessons and reflect on how a difficult period can lead to breakthroughs.

Allow me to offer you an idea: your soul orchestrates major challenges in your life so you can evolve as a spiritual being. I realise it may be hard to believe, but from the soul’s perspective, challenges reveal your authentic power. Your inner power threatens the ego, which opposes change and will convince you an experience shouldn’t be happening. The ego will do everything to resist growth because it represents a threat to its survival. In contrast, the soul perceives growth as expansion and development for the individual. It does not regard problems as a threat to its survival like the ego. Therefore, challenges reveal your dormant powers to overcome your problems.

Soul Lessons Embedded In Your Experiences

“You know you have mastered a soul lesson when the circumstance has not changed but the way you respond has. This is true energy self-mastery.” — Vibrational Medicine

Here’s the thing: the ego dislikes being ruled. It prefers to be in control to satisfy its egoic needs for safety, security and survival. So, when difficulties arise, the ego resists them because its power is threatened. This is why conflicts arise in relationships when people are unaware of their egoic nature. Moreover, the ego will resist difficulties just to get its own way. It is a trickster; a fraudster whose power lies in manipulation and control. Although I paint a grim picture of the ego, its function is vested in survival so it doesn’t lose its identity. So, in some respect, it is behaving the way nature intended.

It is important to recognise the influence of the ego during challenging times, but not concede to it. Every time the ego assumes control, it strengthens its power. The key is to be aware of its manipulation because challenges expose your weaknesses so they can be transformed at the soul level. Can you see why trying to make sense of your difficulties from the ego’s perspective awards it more power? In giving it power, it will manipulate you into believing challenges are not for your highest good. But how can it possibly know a difficult situation is not needed for your personal growth? It cannot, and this explains why many people succumb to the ego and miss out on important soul lessons.

To take this idea further: the soul is the quiet voice of spirit and makes no demands, but waits patiently. It serves no leader and commands no attention, other than to be heard and trusted. Therefore, it pays to trust the voice of the soul during difficult times. Even though it may be hard to make sense of the experience, you can trust there is a soul lesson taking place. During your difficult moments lies your greatest expansion as a soul, otherwise the experience wouldn’t be happening.

Grow Into The Person To Overcome Your Problems

“Believe it is possible to solve your problem. Tremendous things happen to the believer. So believe the answer will come. It will.” — Norman Vincent Peale

I understand, when you are going through a difficult period, every part of you wants to run from it. Whether it be an intimate relationship hitting rocky ground, life falling apart, your health suffering or your career taking an unexpected detour. These experiences are soul lessons to awaken you to your greater power. I wrote in an earlier article how I have faced many soul lessons throughout my life. In fact, at the time of writing this, I am experiencing one that has been going on for five years. I live next door to troublesome people. To say they are regressed would be complimenting them. They have pushed every pain button within me and there were times I wanted to lash out in anger. Yet, I recognised earlier on, this was a soul experience because of the wounds they triggered in me. Family members, friends and colleagues advised me to take legal action. Some said I should retaliate, yet I know it would have done no good, only make matters worse. I have spoken to them about their noisy and disruptive ways frequently and they have not changed.

So, when you face difficulties, try to look for the personal growth contained within the experience. Many people try to find meaning in the situation, but meaning is subjective. Instead, consider the soul lessons contained within the experience. In my case, the lessons I learned through my difficult neighbours include self-compassion, healing my childhood wounds, confronting my anger and, of course, patience. I recognise they have been my teachers and guides; to awaken my greater self. Now, to be clear, they don’t know they are teachers or guides. They are merely going about their lives based on their level of awareness; which is limited. Let’s not mix our words: you will meet people like this throughout your life and instead of butting heads with them, try to look for the soul lesson within the experience. I realise I’m repeating this message because I believe it to be more important than trying to find the meaning in your problems.

To express it differently: your soul lessons will be tough and push you to your limits. If it involves other people causing you problems, see if you can recognise the experience as a gateway for inner transformation. Considering this, are you willing to perceive your difficulties with an open mind? Could you look at it from a higher perspective? I invite you to journal your answer and work through it. See whether your difficulties are pointing you towards growth and expansion, instead of pain and misery. It will help you learn from the experience instead of spinning your wheels. Difficulties represent conflict for the ego, while for the soul, it is a period of breakthrough and transformation. Whenever you face challenges outside your comfort zone, you are called to grow into the person to overcome them. After all, resisting challenges strengthens the ego but limits the soul lessons you are meant to learn.

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You Don’t Know Who You Really Are Until You Use You True Power

The Other Self

“Humans have a soul which is their real higher self; a Divine, Mighty, Being.” — Edward Bach

Who are you as a person when challenged, or face insurmountable hardship? Have you met this person? If so, what did you learn about yourself? Regrettably, few people discover their true self until faced with extreme difficulties and pain. When we venture into the darkness; we meet this other self, or what I call the True Self.

I speak from experience because I have met this other self throughout my life. It took place when I was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness in the late 90s. The experience, which I wrote about in my first book, The Power To Navigate Life, pushed me to my breaking point. My coping mechanisms, the foundations of my being, no longer sustained me. Therefore, when our entire existence collapses in our darkest hour, we must transcend the known self and discover the True Self.

Here’s a thought: we don’t know the depth of our inner strength until we are called to use it in difficult situations. It is when we are challenged beyond our comfort zone; we discover who we really are. In difficult circumstances, we are forced to go deeper into ourselves and discover the resilience of our spiritual self. Hardships reveal our spirit of resilience. Were it not for the challenges, life would be easy-going and maybe monotonous. I’m not suggesting we use hardship to keep us amused, but to help us discover our greater self. We learn a lot about ourselves when challenged and why we mustn’t resist it but lean into it as best we can.

Life Is About Seasons And Transitions

“All the trees are losing their leaves, and not one of them is worried.” — Donald Miller

To expand on this idea further: our true power is not noticeable in normal circumstances. It is only apparent when we are pushed and pulled to our breaking point. Therefore, we must venture into the abyss of our deeper self to discover our pain threshold. This isn’t an exercise about extending our pain level, but learning to connect with our other self. The wisdom and strength we possess is beyond the physical mind-body and why I believe this to be our soul nature.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you experienced this other self through tragedy or misfortune? If so, what did you learn about yourself? For example, when I underwent treatment for my life-threatening illness, I discovered aspects about myself I never knew existed. It revealed my inner spirit and connected me with my soul self. Ever since then, I have been on a journey of awakening. This aspect of ourselves may not be obvious and we may only get a glimpse during tough times. That is why hardships reveal our genuine spirit, because it puts us on the path to encounter our Greater Self.

I have met countless people over the years who experienced tragic circumstances, such as road accidents or lost loved ones through tragedy. Each of them spoke of meeting this other self and connecting with their soul nature. Our perception of the world and ourselves changes because we must build a new model of reality. It reorientates us to other worldly dimensions. We awaken inner powers such as intuition, perception and other senses unexplainable to others.

To express it differently, your true power lies within your belief in overcoming problems. For example, if you believe you are incapable of overcoming difficulties, you will resist them and feel powerless. You might retreat into despair because you fear what might transpire. But life is about duality and contrast; inhabiting the darkness, weathering the storms, and enjoying good times. Life is about seasons and transitions. It is about inner transformations, which lead to outer changes. Life is cyclical, where hard times recede to give way to new beginnings. Are you satisfied with these ideas so far? I hope you’re getting the sense that you don’t discover the real ‘You’ when life is smooth sailing, but when pushed outside your comfort zone.

Take The Journey Into Yourself

“One secures the gold of the spirit when he finds himself.” — Claude M. Bristol

So, I ask you: what are choosing to believe about yourself? What experiences have shaped those beliefs? Are you willing to see yourself differently? Only you will know the answers to these questions when you take the journey into yourself. It is why I coach my clients to undertake self-enquiry, to discover their greater self. The exercise is not a spiritual practice that involves lighting candles, chanting ohms, or sitting in meditation. It is more practical. It involves sitting with yourself daily, first thing in the morning or last thing at night, and journaling what comes to mind. It is about putting on paper your innermost thoughts and discovering key insights about yourself. How do you respond in hard times? What lessons keep reappearing in your life? What are your weaknesses and how do you respond to them? What do you shy away from and why? This is what self-enquiry aims to awaken in us; our true nature as spiritual beings.

With this in mind, I invite you to read through the article once more and answer the questions I asked you in your journal. They are purposefully intended to help you undertake the practice of self-enquiry. I realise it may sound like homework, particularly if you don’t journal, but it will help you discover yourself on a deeper level. We learn about ourselves through self-enquiry and through our relationships with others. If we are repeating the same lessons, we are not growing, but remaining stuck in a cycle of helplessness. You will transcend your difficulties when you can see your challenges from the level of the soul. After all, you don’t know who really are until you are called to use your true power. The source of this power can only be found by connecting with our greater self in times of difficulties.

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Why This Pandemic Is Teaching Us The Importance Of Self-Love

Feeling Your Emotions Is An Act Of Self-Love

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.” ― Steve Maraboli

This lingering pandemic is teaching us many lessons, least of which is we can’t hide from ourselves anymore. When isolated during restrictions, we must face our trauma. There is no other way. It is an act of courage to deal with our emotions, without fearing or running away from. For in deferring our difficult emotions, we postpone our healing. Can you identify? For example, have you been coping in recent months, being isolated from family, friends and loved ones? What difficult emotions have surfaced during this time? How have you dealt with them?

Here’s an idea to consider: Many people have noticed heavy emotions arise for them because of the pain involved. They have been isolated from loved ones, while others have lost their jobs. Many have families to feed, mortgages and the financial and emotional stress has become unbearable. This can bring up emotional pain and if we don’t work through it, we experience stress. We cannot escape the pain because where will go? Mental health therapists are inundated due to the stress of the pandemic. We cannot stow away our emotions or distract ourselves with other activities because they are not available now. It is why people are suffering because they must deal with their heavy emotions brewing for years. We must face them now and if we can’t do it alone, we ought to seek the guidance of a mental health therapist or reach out to those we love and trust.

The point I wish to reinforce: By facing our trauma, we are practising self-love. This is the key message in this article. Facing your pain and feeling your emotions is the highest act of self-love you can give yourself. Deferring emotional pain allows it to gnaw at you and grow in intensity. As mentioned earlier, to sit and feel our dark emotions is courageous because it is difficult to work through emotional pain. But we have no other choice because the emotions are coming up. So why not process them as best you can?

Welcome Your Difficult Emotions

“Constantly apply cheerfulness, if for no other reason than because you are on this spiritual path. Have a sense of gratitude to everything, even difficult emotions, because of their potential to wake you up.” — Pema Chodron

Are you satisfied with this idea? Are you comfortable working through your difficulties emotions, knowing it is an act of self-love? I realise working through painful emotions may not seem like self-love. Nonetheless, it is through self-compassion and self-nurturing; we cultivate our emotional well-being. Self-love recognises we are not our pain but something deeper. We are a soul, having an earthly experience within a physical body. We may identify with our pain and trauma because our wounds give a sense of entitlement; to feel and act in a certain way. I’m not suggesting it is entirely wrong, but a learnt coping mechanism. After all, it is not enough to merely get by. We ought to thrive as best we can. The soul may use pain as a healing agent to remove emotional debris from our lives so our true nature can emerge.

If we take this idea further: To transform our heavy emotions, we must practice coming home to ourselves. I mean, sitting with our difficult emotions and processing them through mindfulness or Somatic Experiencing, under the guidance of a trained therapist. I don’t know about you, but in the last 18 months, I have experienced a roller-coaster of emotions. There have been good times and then suddenly I am thrust into unexplained darkness, with heavy emotions looming over my head. Initially, I tried to distract myself with other activities, but eventually I dealt with my emotions. I know there are valuable insights waiting to come forth when I connect with them. They are messengers from my highest self about my life’s journey.

Therefore, your practice when difficult emotions emerge is to stop what you are doing, no matter what. You may occupy your time playing video games, watching streaming movies, drinking alcohol or whatever else. When heavy emotions arise, just sit with them. Feel them, welcome them and be with them, with your entire mind and body. So, I ask you: Could you give yourself the gift of connecting with your deepest and darkest self? Are you willing to learn about yourself as a soul? Processing emotions may take five minutes or longer to move through your nervous system. Don’t delay or put it off because you are busy, scared, or indifferent. It only makes it harder and intensifies the pain.

Transform Your Pain

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” — Joseph Campbell

For example, in the book My Stroke of Insight by brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor, she states the natural life span of an emotion; the average time it takes for it to move through the nervous system and body is one and a half minutes. After that, we need thoughts to keep the emotion alive. No wonder painful emotions wreak havoc because we keep them active through our stream of inner dialogue. We add fuel to the fire every time we identify with our pain and create a mental dialogue. The way out of this cycle is to allow the emotion to move through you, so it transforms your pain. Therefore, I invite you to set up a regular practice of processing your heavy emotions and journal what you learn about it. Become an observer and try to be curious about what surfaces.

And here’s the thing: Be careful not to criticise or judge yourself during this time. Simply observe the emotions and note how you feel after processing them. Many of my clients have remarked on feeling inner peace and freedom when they undertook this practice. If you wish to go deeper into the practise, I highly recommend a book by the late Dr David Hawkins called: Letting Go: The Pathway Of Surrender. Dr Hawkins was an internationally renowned psychiatrist who researched human consciousness. His books and teachings are an opening into self-awareness and awakened states of consciousness. After all, the purpose of our heavy emotions is to lead us back towards ourselves; to dip our toes in the expansive sea of self-love. It is this sea that is the embodiment of our true nature and the place we call home.

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Why Worry Is Always Based On The Future, While Gratitude Is In The Here And Now

The Mind Cannot Be Trusted

“I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that.” — Byron Katie

What preoccupies your mind with worry? Why do you worry? Is it to maintain a sense of control? Perhaps you feel engaged in something you are powerless over? I want you to recognise whether worry is serving you, so you can break the cycle and find inner peace. Yes, it is possible to let go of worrying, but it will require work on your part. So, are you committed to changing? If so, let me show you how to go from worrying to a state of inner freedom.

Here’s an idea to consider: When we worry, our mind is projected into the future, since we believe we cannot handle what will happen. Therefore, worrying is trying to control something we have little or no control over. Author and psychotherapist David Richo echoes this sentiment in his book The Five Things We Cannot Change, where he states: “We worry because we do not trust ourselves to handle what happens to us. We worry because we do not trust that the way the chips fall will work out for the best. We worry because we have not yet said yes.”

The key to overcoming our worries is to recognise the mind cannot be trusted, given its inherent negativity bias. Evolutionary psychologists believe the brain has adapted to thousands of years of evolution to screen for inherent danger. When humankind first roamed the Savannah centuries ago, assessing for a potential threat, it was an important period in our brain’s evolution. Yet, nowadays, the threat is no longer necessary, however our biology has not caught up. In other words: Our mind still looks for a threat to our safety and survival, even though the threat isn’t as imminent. Nonetheless, we mustn’t allow ourselves to worry about something that may or may not happen. We can safely remind ourselves all is well and redirect our attention to what we are grateful for, here and now.

Uncertainty Needn’t Mean Worry Or Fear

“Leave everything undefined, including yourself. Befriend uncertainty. Fall in love with mystery. Kneel at the altar of Not Knowing. Give your questions time to breathe. And the answers will find you.” — Jeff Foster

Are you happy with this idea so far? Can you appreciate your mind is engineered to help you survive? Therefore, we mustn’t get stuck in incessant worry, but reorientate ourselves back to the present moment. Each time we ground ourselves in the present moment, we strengthen neural pathways in the brain. It requires practice, patience and persistence to notice our habit of worrying. If we can practise shifting our attention from the future to the here and now, we will see positive changes in our life.

To express it differently: We must learn to observe ourselves when worrying and create a space between the observing mind and the worrying mind. It involves inhabiting our mind and body instead of letting our mind wander into the future. In the same way we have taught ourselves to worry, we can train ourselves to be grounded in the present moment through mindfulness. It is why anchoring ourselves in gratitude can help us let go of worry, since it is the bridge between the present moment and the future. In other words: Gratitude is choosing to look at reality through a new filter instead of worry, anxiety, and fear. Yes, the future is uncertain, but uncertainty needn’t equate to worry and fear. Uncertainty can be filled with unlimited possibilities that can benefit us. It involves keeping an open mind and not catastrophising situations beyond our control.

Training In Awareness

“The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival.” — Aristotle

Is this something you’re willing to practise? Can you give yourself the gift of releasing your worries and fears by anchoring yourself in the present moment? You are worthy of self-love and negative emotions such as worry, anxiety and fear cloud your judgement. They are the fake news of the mind and an illusion that keeps you trapped and isolated. But this needn’t be your reality, if you’re willing to rewrite a new script for the future.

And here’s the thing: Gratitude allows us to focus on what is real and fix ourselves in this state. Gratitude is the language of love because it is grounded in appreciation. We cultivate a loving heart through the power of acceptance. Therefore, we ought to focus on what is tangible, instead of succumbing to the illusory states of mind. Even though the mind tries to convince us, the future is uncertain and terrifying; it is a fabricated narrative invented by the ego. But it needn’t be this way because we have the power to redirect our attention to the present moment.

Practices such as breathwork, mindfulness and meditation are helpful to navigate fear, worry and anxiety. For example, we can practise sitting alone in silence and focus on our breath. As we breathe in and out, we safely anchor ourselves to the present moment. Similarly, through mindfulness, we learn to bring our attention to the present moment when our mind wanders to the future. Meditation is the practice of training in awareness and detaching from our thoughts, so we become the observer. We can follow our breath while meditating and notice the bodily sensations that rise and fall. This powerful practice is a portal to the here and now and a practice we can cultivate daily. Even though the mind has a negativity bias toward danger, we can change our response to worry be being mindful of our thoughts. After all, each time we focus on gratitude, we strengthen neural pathways in the brain, which ultimately become our new reality.

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Why Your Thoughts And Feelings Are The Voices Of Your Unconscious Beliefs

Reconcile Your Unconscious Beliefs

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Gustav Jung

When was the last time you paid attention to your thoughts? I mean, really noticed your thoughts without judgement? Here’s the thing: most people are oblivious to their thoughts because it is like a crowded freeway in their mind, where drivers are asleep at the wheel. This is what many people experience with their thoughts. The noise is overwhelming, so they ignore their thoughts. However, this is a problem because if we are unaware of our thoughts, how can we trust what we think, let alone trust ourselves to communicate truthfully?

Your conscious thoughts are the artefacts of your unconscious beliefs. Let me explain what I mean. Thoughts are the storehouses of the unconscious mind and they define reality as you believe it to be. However, they are subjective, meaning what you believe about the world differs from others. As the French-born novelist Anaïs Nin said: “We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are.” Meaning, your observations are based on your perceptions. You create a mental model of the world through your conditioning and project it outwardly. To use a simple analogy: Your unconscious beliefs can be likened to a musician playing an electric guitar, whereby the amplifier is the projection for the sound. The musician represents our unconscious mind, and the amplifier is the conscious mind. It can only project what the guitarist plays, not change the music.

In other words, no matter how hard you try to change your conscious thoughts, it is futile until you reconcile your unconscious beliefs. It is because the unconscious represents your accumulated thoughts, beliefs, and experiences from childhood. It is the storeroom for experienced trauma and the canvas upon which you perceive life. For example, if you had a tough childhood, you may have created a belief the world is not safe. Moreover, life is unfair, and it is difficult to express oneself because you are never heard. You wouldn’t be wrong in believing this, especially if exposed to trauma as a child. It is often said: Even though your wounds are not your fault, your healing is still your responsibility. Therefore, we must rewrite the influence of our upbringing by transforming our beliefs, so we don’t carry our trauma into the future.

Change Your Internal Scripts

“The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working. To perceive the world differently, we must be willing to change our belief system, let the past slip away, expand our sense of now, and dissolve the fear in our minds.” — William James

Are you comfortable with this idea that your unconscious mind determines the quality of your life? To create a better future requires transforming unconscious thoughts to be in harmony with the reality you wish to live. This is because many of your thoughts are outside of your awareness, and it is difficult to determine the origins of your unconscious beliefs. Typically, you can look at areas of your life not functioning optimally, such as your relationships, finances, career, and health. Where there is a dysfunction in these respective areas, chances are, you are manifesting via your unconscious beliefs. The good news: you can change your internal scripts by making conscious what is unconscious. It requires re-internalising a new belief and rehearsing it until it becomes your new reality.

To put this another way: to make conscious the unconscious, requires being mindful of your outdated scripts (beliefs) and creating new mental associations. For example, I had a stern upbringing from an uncompromising father. Nothing I did was good enough for him; he always found fault with my choices. This resulted in repressed anger and feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness into early adulthood. When triggered as an adult, these unconscious wounds took centre stage and played out in my life. It felt normal to react this way because I was unconscious of my reactions. This is the biggest insight I hope you take from this article: When unconscious beliefs are repeated and reinforced, they become an automatic response and feel normal to you.

Don’t Fight The Ego

“The Ego’s job is to kill everything but itself.” — Byron Katie

To further reinforce this idea: If someone criticises you, you might think they are being cruel and unfair. After all, they are the source of your pain; you assume. However, if you are in an intimate relationship, where the other person mirrors your unconscious beliefs, you will go to war to defend your position. If the relationship breaks down, you might decide to work on untangling your unconscious wounds. In my case, I spent years transforming my unconscious beliefs because I did not want to be dictated by my unconscious beliefs. Nowadays, when I experience anger, criticism, or shame, I am mindful of my reactions. I am no longer entangled in my unconscious reactions. Instead, I allow them to pass through my consciousness without being dictated by them.

I am not trying to remove the unconscious belief because it has a right to exist. Fighting the ego is a sign of resistance, and it will push back because the ego does not want to be suppressed. The aim is to be aware of your beliefs when they emerge, without opposing them. It is why I am drawn to the quote by author William Whitecloud who writes in Secrets of Natural Success: Five Steps to Unlocking Your Inner Genius: “The point is, though, that you don’t have to change your beliefs, you only have to change your focus. You only have to change what you put your energy in and therefore give the power to.” As Whitecloud articulates, you don’t need to manipulate your beliefs, but redirect where you give your attention. By recognising your unconscious beliefs, you shine a light on them through an expanded your awareness. Through regular practice, your unconscious thoughts will naturally subside because you are no longer resisting them. They are free to come and go without resistance.

Considering this, I invite you to undertake an exercise and journal two or three beliefs holding you back in your life. If you’re unsure, consider areas where you’re experiencing problems. If you still find it difficult to identify these areas, ask someone close to you for help. Once you’ve identified two or three beliefs, I encourage you to work through your beliefs using Byron Katie’s powerful self-enquiry program, The Work. It comprises journaling your answers to four questions, to see how those beliefs are negatively influencing your life. Ultimately, we must become attentive to our unconscious beliefs and not be dictated by them. After all, if we are the accumulation of our unconscious beliefs, we have the power to transform them in alignment with our core self.

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You Always Have A Choice, To Give Up Or Get Up. What Will You Choose?

You Always Have A Choice

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.” — Theodore Roosevelt

You have a choice; to bounce back from your setbacks or remain trapped in them. The best choice is not always the easiest because sometimes it’s hard to make sense of your difficulties. However, you trust your choices will show you how to navigate the path forward. Do you believe this to be true? Can you think of recent examples where you made hard choices? How did the situation turn out and what lessons did you learn?

Irrespective of whether you give up or get up, you will still face challenges. However, giving up deprives you of self-confidence and you become powerless in the face of defeat. You might feel victimised and believe life is difficult. But you have more power than you realise, and to activate this power lies in how you respond to your difficulties. If you give up, you might experience helplessness and lack the independence to try again. Conversely, there are challenges associated with trying again, but this path is lined with optimism and hope. It represents an empowering future, even though you cannot see it.

To take this idea further: Giving up represents despair, while trying again is a future filled with hope. You can navigate your darkest moments when you forge ahead, even during hard times. The spirit of resilience lights the way and shows you what actions to take each day. Whilst you may not have the answers, you will find your way through. These are the key principles of optimism, enthusiasm, and hope during difficult moments. In other words, it involves cultivating these virtues daily. Regrettably, the future is promised to no one and when trapped in despair, it may seem a better future is unachievable. But every challenge you experience will pass and leave you with powerful lessons to carry into the future.

Choose What Is Optimal For Your Personal Growth

“But until a person can say deeply and honestly, “I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday,” that person cannot say, “I choose otherwise.” — Stephen R. Covey

Are you comfortable with this understanding so far? Can you see you are never stuck in a situation without the inner resources to work through it? Even when you cannot move forward, you can change your attitude, which shapes how you think about your problems. You can always take action, no matter how small it is. There is light at the end of the tunnel because darkness cultivates strength of character and reveals the spirit of hope. To put it another way: You must use your pain for good instead of allowing pain to use you. Pain is a powerful teacher and, whilst unpleasant, it can awaken the wisdom of your soul to transcend human limitations. Therefore, be careful not to become absorbed in your pain for long, but excavate your way out by focusing on the actions you can take.

Here’s another way to look at: To make empowered choices, try to look ahead to the future when deciding. Even though conditions may not be optimal, don’t dwell on it because this is not your ultimate destination. Life can change instantly and sometimes your circumstances will shift swiftly. It is why maintaining momentum through inspired action; is how you get through your challenges. That’s why you should avoid making choices based on how you feel now, because regret will catch up to you later on. That is to say: When you are suffering and need to make important decisions, choose one that will improve your circumstances in the long run. This is because people make less than optimal choices when they experience pain and suffering. It requires thinking about the future from a thriving mindset.

It requires deciding based on your highest interest and what is optimal for your personal growth. To get clear on your choices, ask yourself the following questions: “Who do I want to become in the future?” “What do I need to do to overcome my current difficulties?” “What lessons do I need to learn from these challenges?” Remember: Small steps build great momentum. It is why I have repeated the theme of maintaining momentum throughout this article.

Develop A Mindset Of Optimism And Hope

Don’t let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams. — Unknown

The human spirit is resilient because it is not bound by the physical world, but by the immaterial world of hope and faith. If you give up, your spirit contracts and it is difficult to get going again. Consider this when you suffered a setback or an obstacle. You may have been unmotivated to find the strength to try again. Trying to find momentum when you’re unmotivated is difficult because you lose the energy to move forward. I’m encouraging you to keep moving through your difficulties and not give up on yourself. It is for this reason, I am drawn to the message by author Dr Alex Lickerman who writes in The Undefeated Mind, about developing resiliency in the face of your challenges: “For in refusing to give up, we refuse to give in, not just to oppressive circumstances, but to the moment-by-moment experience of suffering itself. Resilience, in other words, doesn’t consist only of returning to our original level of functioning after a loss; it also consists of not experiencing its decline in the first place.”

Progress is possible, even when you are caught up in the darkest storms. During these hard times, you gain the wisdom about your life’s journey and it is impossible to go back to your former way of life. You transcend your consciousness and develop a mindset of optimism and hope. I’ve experienced this personally, as well as clients I’ve coached over the years. They talk about a tipping point, which heralded the Hero’s Journey, and it is possible for you too.

Considering this, I invite you to think of a current problem you’re experiencing. Have you considered giving up? Equally, have you considered moving forward with faith and hope? Is it possible your circumstances may change better than you expect? Ancient wisdom shows that breakthroughs occur right before your biggest setbacks. Perhaps you are on the cusp of a breakthrough, without realising it? On balance, even though it is difficult to choose wisely, it requires choosing what is in your highest interest, not based on how you feel. Your feelings and circumstances will change, so it is important to make choices toward a better tomorrow. A future filled with hope and optimism. A future lined with certainty and becoming your greatest self. If you make choices based on fear, you choose based on what you have to lose instead of what you will gain. After all, a promising future must contain the elements of light, hope, and optimism so you can lead with love.

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The Only Way We Experience Growth, Is Through Constant Change

Are You Resistant To Change?

“Change is never painful, only the resistance to change is painful.” — Buddha

Are you averse to growth? I realise the question may seem insensitive, but consider whether you may be resisting change by staying in your comfort zone? It is my experience; most people experience resistance when change occurs. Over the coming paragraphs, I will outline how we can embrace change as a foundation for personal growth. Moreover, I will show you how growth is essential to your happiness, to achieve greater fulfilment in your life.

Change is the only constant in this life. It is evident in the seasons and all life forms. Therefore, to resist change means to struggle with the personal growth associated with it. Growth is essential to human existence, otherwise, we remain stagnant and unfulfilled. As an example, some intimate relationships dissolve because one party outgrows the other, who is unwilling to change. They don’t want to leave their comfort zone and do the hard work to heal and transform their emotional wounds.

To put it another way: We can learn to reframe our thoughts about change, instead of seeing it as a negative experience. We can look for the opportunities within the change and become curious about what is taking place. Most people resist change because of the disruption and chaos that takes place. They perceive it as chaotic and experience anxiety, fear and anger. However, the initial part is often laying the groundwork for what’s coming. It is not the finished process and we should allow it to unfold naturally.

Get Curious About Change

“Curiosity is the fuel for discovery, inquiry, and learning.” — Anonymous

Is this something you’re willing to do? Could you distance yourself from the uncomfortable emotions and allow change to take place? I realise it is difficult because we feel threatened when something unknown enters our life. Nevertheless, I’m inviting you to become curious about the change instead of resisting it. Through our resistance, we create beliefs grounded in struggle and anguish because we don’t like what is unfolding. This may be due to unmet expectations, which leads to suffering.

Here’s another way to look at: If we can accept the changes taking place and trust life is unfolding as it should, we can let go of our resistance to it. Typically, everything works out better than we imagine and it is our thoughts that impede the change. Is this something you’ve experienced? Can you think of a time when you resisted change, yet everything fell into place better than you imagined? I’ve witnessed this on a personal level, to the degree I am now familiar with when change takes place.

Knowing this, I invite you to step back from being absorbed in the drama and allow the change to enter your life. Yes, judging a situation as scary and unpredictable is human nature. Becoming resentful and angry, especially when change is unexpected, is a primitive human response. I’m asking you to notice your response and avoid criticising yourself when a situation doesn’t work out as planned. Even though change may not originate from us, it does not mean it is detrimental. In fact, my best experiences occurred because of unexpected change. I experienced deep awakenings, intuitive insights and gained wisdom through my challenges. I now appreciate when change occurs outside of my control; the universe is leading me towards unexpected blessings. It is why I become curious instead of anxious and you can, too.

Being Comfortable With Discomfort

“Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.” — Anne Lamott

So, here’s what I’d like you to try: Instead of resisting change, see if you can observe your thoughts and feelings about it. By noticing our reactions, we can better deal with change instead of letting it overwhelm us. I’ve been advocating becoming curious about change throughout the article for a reason. Therefore, when we experience negative reactions to change, we can become curious about it through self-enquiry. So, you might ask yourself: “Why am I resisting this change?” “What am I afraid of I can’t handle?” “What could be the hidden opportunity contained within this change?” If we can redirect the attention to ourselves instead of the change, we can learn more about what is unfolding. So, next time, we will be better prepared without experiencing the difficult emotions.

In other words, it requires observing our thoughts and emotions and distancing ourselves from them. By distancing, I mean observing what is taking place within us and creating a space around it. It requires being detached from the problem instead of investing in it. To observe change from a different perspective, allow your difficult emotions to be present without ignoring them. People find it difficult to sit with their heavy emotions because they want to get rid of them. I’m suggesting we can learn to be comfortable with discomfort by gradually exposing ourselves to it. In doing so, our mind realises the change is not a threat and our nervous system won’t experience a fight-or-flight response. We become comfortable with uncertainty and gain the resiliency and growth to accompany it.

With this in mind, your exercise over the coming days is to choose one or two changes taking place in your life. Perhaps it tied to the pandemic, where you lost your job or had to relocate. I invite you to work through the questions I asked you earlier and become inquisitive about it. What could be taking place regarding these unexpected changes? You may or may not know the answers right now, and that’s okay. Even though your situation may appear chaotic and displaced, could you see your situation improving in the coming months or year? See whether you are open to the smallest light of hope making itself known. After all, if we want to experience growth and the benefits of it, such as increased self-esteem and confidence, we must experience constant change and learn to be comfortable with uncertainty.

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Everyone Is Fixing Their Body, But No One Is Attending To The Health Of Their Soul

What Is A Soul?

“The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Most people are committed to improving their body, yet few are dedicated to nurturing the health of their soul. What about you? Have you given attention to your soul? You might say: “I don’t know because I can’t see my soul.” And you would be right in thinking this way. Over the coming paragraphs, I’ll offer you clues on how to focus on your soul health and nurture a deeper connection.

The health of our soul is equally important to the health of our body. This is why we focus on what we can see and touch. Since we cannot see or touch our soul, we believe it doesn’t need our attention. Our soul is the unobserved aspect of our physical being; it is our core nature as spiritual beings. It is believed our soul is an aspect of divinity, like a drop of water comprises the entire ocean. If you remove some water from the ocean, it is still water, even while separated from the ocean. In physics, this is defined as a hologram, where every piece of the hologram contains the entire image.

It is important we understand what our soul is, so we can cultivate its presence in our life. This is not a religious conversation because you needn’t follow religion to believe we have souls. The important point here is that we are connected to our soul and our life on earth is expressed through our soul nature. Therefore, our soul can be considered the blueprint upon which we navigate our life’s journey, while our body is the vehicle used to experience it. Whilst a little more complicated than that, we can use this metaphor to focus on the health of our soul.

Are you comfortable with this idea so far? You may have questions about these ideas and therefore, I invite you to work through them in your journal. To become better acquainted with our soul health, we must look to our past to see what we’ve created. For example, what has been the theme of your life? What challenges have repeatedly shown up in your life? How have you faced those challenges? What have you learned from them? For example, the theme of my life can be summarised in four key areas: patience, trust, self-love, and forgiveness. Through these four virtues, I have faced many obstacles and challenges and learned valuable soul lessons. You could say these have been my earthly lessons and what my soul intended for me to learn in this lifetime.

Soul Lessons

“You know you have mastered a soul lesson when the circumstance has not changed, but the way you respond has. This is true energy self-mastery.” — Vibrational Medicine

To be clear, we have no physical evidence our soul exists other than what is written in ancient texts and passed down over thousands of centuries. However, I can confirm from experience, these four lessons have repeatedly shown up in my life and pushed me to evolve. Yours might be different and unique to you, and I would encourage you to find out what they are. If you’re unsure, ask a loved one, a family member, or someone who knows you well. It will go a long way to help you understand your life, so you don’t repeat the same lessons in the future.

You see, knowing your past allows you to follow the guidance of your soul. After all, what is the point of making the same mistakes and not learning the lessons? I see this often when coaching clients who stumble across the same soul lessons without learning key lessons. If we want to learn and grow from our experiences, we must gain the wisdom from our soul lessons. I’ve had the privilege of coaching hundreds of clients over the years and seen first-hand how people handle their soul lessons. It has been touching and inspiring to help them transform their experiences, so they see them from a higher perspective. If we see our earthly problems from a limited perspective, we will focus on our difficulties without seeing what is taking place behind the scenes.

Therefore, to attend to our soul health, we must pay attention to our emotions but not be dictated by them. Our emotions show us what we are creating in our life because they are our guidance system. Not everything will go our way and it will force us into situations which are unfair and unjustified. But if we focus on the injustice without considering the primary lessons, we miss out on transforming our pain. Are you content with this understanding? I want you to know, your soul health is important and we ought to cultivate it in our life.

How To Nurture Your Soul

“Follow your soul. It knows the way.” — Anonymous

Similarly, we must get in touch with our true nature; the ground of being for love, kindness, and compassion. Love is the highest order in the universe. It is a healing agent and can transform pain and mend broken relationships. Love is the structural framework of the universe. Therefore, by connecting with our true nature, we see our earthly challenges from a higher perspective. This doesn’t mean we won’t experience challenges or hardships, but view them as guiding and expanding our soul’s evolution. This is the message espoused by spiritual author Matt Kahn who writes in The Universe Always Has a Plan: “How many times have you asked yourself, “Why am I attracting this?” You’re attracting this because the soul’s evolution is about building unconditionally loving relationships with all parts of yourself represented as each emotion.” Therefore, by developing an expanded awareness of our problems, our challenges are seen from the perspective of our Higher Self.

As a result, we can nurture our soul health by living our Truth. Your Truth will differ from others and it is important you discover your own journey. Our Truth is the language of the soul and signifies the breadth and depth of our life’s experiences. For example, there’s a biblical phrase which reads: “The truth will set you free,” demonstrating how abiding by our Truth can liberate us from the chains of our earthly existence. Our Truth is our unconditional authority to live according to our highest agency. Thereby, living from a heart-based awareness (soul), will lead to our greatest salvation and freedom.

With this in mind, I invite you to journal your answers to the questions I asked you throughout the article. I encourage you to spend a few days working through your soul lessons via journaling. Take the time to find out what your soul experiences have called you to learn about yourself. We may not always learn the lessons in this lifetime because of the challenges we face. But we can continue to show up to our life, even when our experiences push us to our limits. Although we cannot physically see our soul, we can see the ripples it leaves when we neglect it, such as pain, difficulties, and repeated challenges. Nurturing our soul is important to our life as tending to our physical body. One is the map of our life’s journey, while the other is the vehicle upon which we experience the journey. After all, to improve our life, we must learn key lessons our soul intends for us, otherwise we resign ourselves to calling it fate.

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