Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 17

What You Thought Was Rejection, Was Your Protection

Doing The Best We Can

“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” — Steve Maraboli

Think of a recent situation, or as far back as you remember, where you experienced rejection. Try to get a sense of the emotions you felt back then. Was it: fear, shame, embarrassment, sadness or anger, etc? I realise it may be difficult to relive these emotions because rejection can strike at the heart of our core self. But I’d like you to use the emotions to empower you from this point forward. What if the rejection was disguised as your protection from something down the road?

When we experience rejection, we believe it’s our fault and our self-esteem is impacted. Understandably, our worthiness comes in question. But we are thinking about it incorrectly because there may be something taking place behind the scenes. Everything in life serves a purpose. Sometimes relationships dissolve because each party has gained the lessons they needed. I realise the wounds inflicted are hurtful, especially if one party has been deceitful. However, putting aside the cause of the breakup, we ought to focus on rebuilding our lives.

For example, how did you get over the rejection? If you think back to that time, can you now see how things had to take place as they did? I don’t know your situation, but I’m guessing you were being protected from something later on. Amid the heartache and pain, it may appear our suffering will never end. We may cry ourselves to sleep, trying to understand how we could have been better in the relationship. But here’s the thing: we were doing the best we could, given our level of awareness. As you improve, you attract better conditions and hence why self-improvement is an unending journey.

People often tell me; life seems like one ordeal after another and there’s no respite. I often respond by saying, sometimes the level of your growth determines the intensity of your trials. I repeat this message in many of my articles because I believe it to be true on all levels: life is not personal; it is doing its job and responding to our level of consciousness at any point in time. For example, the person in your teenage years is not the person you are as an adult. So, you will experience varying degrees of lessons to help you evolve.

Your Rejection May Have Been Your Protection

“Do not waste yourself in rejection; do not bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

But those lessons will not arrive as we hope, otherwise we would ignore them. Our lessons are often clothed in pain, heartache and suffering because this is how life gets our attention. We grow through pain and suffering, not in our comfort zone. Think about this in your own life. When things are smooth sailing, how often are you likely to step out of your comfort zone? To draw another example, people reach out to me for coaching when they’re immersed in a problem they can’t fix or manage themselves. Meaning, until the pain becomes unbearable, we sail along until we cannot take it anymore. Rejection is life’s way of pulling the rug from under us and protecting us from something harmful down the road. Similarly, it may also represent the end of a life lesson.

Are you relating to this? Are you beginning to see there is nothing you could have done to prevent being rejected? It wasn’t about what you did or didn’t do. It was about your personal evolution following its course. We needn’t beat ourselves that we could have done more to keep the relationship alive. In fact, in writing my book The Power to Navigate Life, I drew inspiration from a term relationship psychologist talk about and that was: being Parked in relationships. They believe people stay Parked (stuck, stagnant and not going anywhere) in their relationships, while they are miserable and unhappy. But it is easier to stay in the relationship than rock the boat and move on with their lives.

This is when the universe steps and says: “Hey buddy, I know you won’t do anything about this, so I’m stepping in to dissolve the relationship.” Life is like mum and dad sending you to your room because they know you won’t go to sleep, if they don’t intervene. Naturally, you kick up a fuss because you want to stay up and watch TV. But as you mature, you soon realise they knew what was best for you. Sometimes that is what we experience with rejection. Life intercedes because she knows what’s best for us and what’s coming further down the line. I’ve spoken with many people over the years who see their rejection as a blessing in disguise. Some met the love of their life not long after. Others got the dream job they’ve always wanted.

We’ve got to trust life (aka our Higher Self) knows what it’s doing, but it may not seem that way because rejection is not pleasant. I’m not asking you to like it but accept what it’s trying to teach you. I’m inviting you to accept that possibly, your rejection may have been your protection from something in your future. Knowing this, I’d like you to journal what lessons you gained from your rejection? For example, have you learnt to honour and value yourself more? Have you learnt to create boundaries on what you will accept or not accept? Whilst rejection may be a painful teacher, it is the wiser Guardian who knows what is best for us, long before it comes to pass.

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What’s Meant To Be Will Always Find Its Way To You

See The World Through A Different Lens

“Things happen the way they’re meant to. There’s a pattern and a shape to everything…Nothing happens without a reason…Nothing is impossible.” — Rosamunde Pilcher

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? I’ve asked this question to many people over the years, and everyone has a different answer. Some will say life functions of its own accord and there is a higher power arranging the events of our life. This might describe a deterministic viewpoint, while an atheist will believe the opposite. One thing is for certain, we are on a journey throughout life that ebbs and flows. Sometimes we get stuck and it might appear things are not going according to plan. We wrestle to get ourselves out of this state, when all that is required is to accept our circumstances. Reality echoes the level of our awareness at any point in time. So, as we learn more, our consciousness expands and we experience life in a different way.

Can you identify with this? For example, you may have held a belief about something and through setbacks and disappointments, realised a new perspective? Your new outlook isn’t your endpoint because things change as you gain more information. In fact, our work is never done and we can only take our personal evolution so far. Depending on our level of awareness, we attract circumstances based on our beliefs. Recently, I upgraded my computer’s hard drive HDD to a new SSD (Solid State Drive). An SSD uses integrated circuits to store data, instead of mechanical components, such as a hard drive. Most old computers have a hard drive installed, while new computers have an SSD drive.

An SSD drive is considerably faster and more efficient because there are no moving parts. My computer now starts (boots) in 8 seconds where before it took 40 seconds or more to boot. The point I wish to emphasise is, since upgrading my drive, I’ve been able to do my work more efficiently. This explains what happens when we elevate our consciousness; we see the world through a different lens which enhances the quality of our life. We make better decisions that affect our relationships and other areas of our life.

Purposeful In Our Actions

“Eventually all things fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know everything happens for a reason.” — Albert Schweitzer

Most people adopt the outside-in approach to change their circumstances. But this approach seldom works because if you are not attending to your innermost thoughts, you will fall back to your old patterns. Our past has a way of following us, like the wake of a jet skier. This is why some believe we live in a holographic universe, whereby our inner world creates our outer world. So, whatever is meant for us will find its way to us, depending on our level of consciousness. If there’s one thing I wish to impress upon you in this article, it is this: as you work on yourself, you will attract better circumstances and not call it fate. Those who say things are just the way they are take a fatalist point of view that some higher power is pulling the strings. But I believe through the power of free will, we create our life’s conditions.

So how can you make adjustments to reflect the ideas proposed in this article? Continue to improve yourself by upgrading your beliefs as you learn more information. Challenge the beliefs and find evidence to support them. Take nothing for granted, even if it is something you’ve believed your entire life. As you learn more, you see life through a different lens. It will challenge your long-held beliefs about what you thought was true. But something miraculous happens; you will attract wonderful circumstances aligned with the highest truth.

This process called life is an inside-out job. I’ve seen evidence personally and in my work with clients. As we learn and grow, we make informed choices that lead to a more fulfilling life. We stop living as victims and graduate to victor because our choices are aligned with our highest intentions. We become purposeful in our actions and stop bemoaning our misguided choices. Much like the example of my computer running more efficiently with an SSD drive, I can do my work in a shorter amount of time because the computer is better equipped for the job. So, I ask you: are you willing to improve your thoughts? Are you willing to examine long-held beliefs and find evidence to support them? I assure you, what is meant to be will always find its way to you, irrespective of whether your thoughts are aligned with truth or falsehood. You get to decide!

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Why Healing Your Inner Child, Helps You Discover Your True Self

Unconscious To Our Wounds

“Caring for your inner child has a powerful and surprisingly quick result: Do it and the child heals.” — Martha Beck

I’d like you to take a journey into yourself, as you read this article. Hopefully, in that time, you will gain a glimpse of why healing your inner child is not only essential but important to overcoming our problems as adults. Many people grow up in less than optimal family environments. Even if our childhood was ideal, we are likely to inherit trauma from generations before us. That is why alcoholics face an unfair disadvantage, since they inherit the genes of their alcoholic parents. We all have wounds to confront and the journey of becoming an adult involves retracing our childhood and making peace with our early life. Can you identify with this narrative? Did you grow up in a stable family environment or did you experience any childhood trauma?

The journey of becoming our true selves requires revisiting our childhood wounds and seeing them through the lens of compassion and forgiveness. It involves attending to our vulnerable parts that we have neglected. So why is this important for self-transformation and self-improvement? Many of our problems stem from our early development, according to developmental psychologists. Depending on our attachment style, this will figure dominantly in adulthood, if we haven’t healed our inner child. This shows up when we are triggered in relationships and recall past hurts. Because we are unconscious to our wounds, we believe the pain is occurring now.

For example, if you are emotionally triggered and cannot control it, it may be a triggered event instead of a reaction to something taking place now. This sentiment is echoed by author Liz Mullinar in her book Heal For Life: How to Heal Yourself from the Pain of Childhood Trauma where she explains: “Remembering that a majority of all emotion comes from childhood, it is a really good idea to check whenever you are angry if it is about what is happening right now or is it reminding you of someone or something from your childhood.” For instance, I had a strained relationship with my father growing up, owing to his stern disciplining. As an adult, I experienced anger I couldn’t control and traced it back to my childhood. However, I ignored it until it affected my relationships.

Release The Negativity And Hurt From The Past

“We must remain as close to the flowers, the grass, and the butterflies as the child is who is not yet so much taller than they are.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

Have you experienced something similar whether it was anger, anxiety, shame or guilt? Often, we will carry the programming of our parents or caregivers into adulthood, if we haven’t healed these aspects of ourselves. The trauma we experience in childhood is being triggered in the present moment. Psychologists believe trauma is located in the right hemisphere of the brain, in the unconscious centre. Therefore, to heal and transform our wounds, requires going to the source instead of using logic and reason. In my case, my childhood wounds were associated with fear, which shaped my anger as an adult. It required attending to my fears and transforming my beliefs as a child such as: “I am unsafe” and “It is not safe to be me.” These days, my adult self knows I am safe; however, my inner child was still playing the tapes of fear, guilt and shame.

Most of our difficult emotions stem from our childhood. When we experience these emotions, we must notice whether we are being triggered by a childhood experience or something in the present moment. It is beyond this article to explain how to heal and transform our childhood wounds. Moreover, I invite you to work with a trained therapist or counsellor, if you identify with this message. It may be difficult working through our childhood wounds on our own because we are likely to re-traumatise ourselves and remain stuck in our wounds. The key is to take the journey into ourselves, knowing what we experience may be unpleasant, but in doing so, we release the negativity and hurt from the past. By healing our inner child, we discover our true self hidden behind a facade of the wounded self.

This wounded self masquerades as an archetype in the form of: victim, soldier, hero, etc. We will carry these archetypal wounds throughout life without knowing who we really are, since we have identified with our trauma for so long. It becomes our new identity, and healing can be difficult without a shift in awareness. We must learn to become who we really are and not the characters we play. Are you beginning to get a sense that who you are is an intricate web of personas buried within your unconscious mind? It can take a lifetime to discover our true self and we ought to be kind and compassionate with ourselves throughout the healing journey. If this is something you identify with, I recommend journaling and observing your emotions regularly. Note your predominant mood and the situations that affect you. Consider your difficult emotions, as signposts pointing you to heal your inner child. It is once we undertake the journey into our inner child, that we discover the essence of our true self, beneath the concealed self.

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What Would Your Life Be Like If You Decided To Give Up Your Fears?

Love, Not Courage, Is The Antidote To Fear

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” — Rumi

What would your life be like if you gave up your fears? What choices would you make? I realise this may sound unrealistic, but it can become your reality. Fear dominates us from the moment we are born. Depending on our attachment style, it will influence how we relate to others for the rest of our life, according to developmental psychologists. Fear dominates how we relate to others in intimate relationships and our work colleagues, family and friends. If we haven’t healed and transformed our childhood wounds, it will show up in our relationships.

We can become triggered and our nervous system reacts because we are not present but unconsciously recalling the past. This occurs instantly because we are unaware our unconscious programming is pulling the strings. Fear dominates other aspects of our life such as our: finances, health, career and life purpose. Admittedly, the media adds to this with constant fear-based news events. But we must decide whether we want to be dictated by fear or live a life of passion, enthusiasm and joy. Can you relate to this? Are you driven by fear in aspects of your life, even though you may not be aware of it? It requires an introspective look to see whether we are acting out of fear or love.

Love is the antidote to fear. I’m not talking about romantic love, but higher states of love as the essence of our divine nature. If we are dictated by fear, we stop taking risks and remain in our comfort zone. We look for evidence to substantiate our choices, instead of getting hurt. Do you know people like this who have an answer to every problem and are unhappy? In one sense, they become powerless after a traumatic event and cannot navigate their way out. But as you know, there are no assurances in life and we are bound to get hurt at some point.

Move Through Your Fears

“The knowledge of the past stays with us. To let go is to release the images and emotions, the grudges and fears, the clinging’s and disappointments of the past that bind our spirit.” — Jack Kornfield

Pain and disappointment are not meant to stop us becoming the best version of ourselves. They teach us important lessons about our place in the universe and help us overcome our setbacks and defeats. We can be dictated by pain or lead with our heart’s deepest integrity. We cannot have it both ways, so we must choose where to direct our energy. It is said: where attention goes, energy flows. We have choices and sometimes it isn’t easy because we are torn between choosing what is in our best interest and looking after our personal needs. It requires stepping out of our comfort zone in the smallest way and integrating those experiences into our life. Those who live a rich and fulfilling life take chances and even though things may not always work out, they learn from their setbacks and try again.

Is this something you’re willing to try? Could you use this time to assess where you are in your life and where you want to be in the next few years? Irrespective of your age or life’s experience, stop clutching to your fears and transform them into love. Let go of what no longer serves you, regardless of your past or whether you have been hurt. Even if you are carrying trauma from childhood, it is never too late to re-parent yourself through self-love and self-compassion. You can change your history and rewire your nervous system, despite your past. Sometimes, we are forced to heal our wounds because life will push us into the driver’s seat and plant its foot on the accelerator. Suddenly, we are going a hundred miles an hour and cannot make sense of what is happening.

But we can learn to be resilient no matter what is taking place, or how difficult our pain and suffering. So, ask yourself: What would my life be like if I gave up my fears? What would I do differently? Sit with your answers and journal them, so you can come back to them at a later time. Visualise, what tomorrow would be like if your thoughts were no longer dominated by fear? What would you do or not do? Who would you become, and what would you achieve? Don’t get to the end of your life living with regret because it will be too late by then. So, make a vow to move through your fears and transform them into love and courage. It is only then, on the other side of your fears, lies the freedom to be who you truly are.

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Why Intuition Will Become Our New Currency

Intuition Will Be The Strongest Currency

“Intuition does not come to an unprepared mind.” — Albert Einstein

We are in the midst of an important change for all of humanity. In the past few months, the Coronavirus pandemic has affected our lives in unprecedented ways. We have been forced to consider how we interact with others and isolate ourselves in our own homes. There’s still a long way to go, but it’s heart-warming to see nations working together to find a cure for the virus. Putting aside the political rhetoric, I believe humanity is on the precipice of expanding its consciousness. Have you noticed this sense of cooperation in your own country? Have you noticed people helping others such as the elderly, neighbours, friends and family?

There’s a greater sense of collaboration that takes place when tragedy ensues. We awaken our kindred spirit to help others in altruistic ways. Mankind has been trading currency for as long as we can remember, which has contributed to modern civilisation and world economies. However, it has created greed and the uneven distribution of wealth. Money has created privileged people and under privileged societies. For this reason, I believe our intuition will become a form of currency in the post coronavirus world. What do I mean by this?

For those who have harnessed their intuition, they know it is a precious faculty. Our intuition is associated with the resonance of the soul and speaks in quiet whispers, instead of the loud voice of the ego. Therefore, as our consciousness awakens, our intuition will be the strongest currency amongst that shift. Intuition is like a GPS is to a car. If you’ve called upon your intuition, you will know it is reliable and the more we engage it, the greater it becomes. Can you relate to this? Have you used your intuition to make balanced decisions in your life? Did it work in your favour?

Intuition Will Become Our Guiding Voice

“Listen to the wind, it talks. Listen to the silence, it speaks. Listen to your heart, it knows.” — Native American Proverb

Here’s why intuition will be the strongest currency in the years ahead:

You cannot trade intuition.
Those who use it will benefit from it greatly.
Intuition is like your own fingerprint; each one unique.
It increases in power the more we use it.
It does not depreciate.
It cannot be lost or stolen.
It cannot be hacked.
It is reliable and accurate.
It has no agenda, unlike the ego.

What I’m suggesting, is that our intuition will be a potent super power right under our nose. Its uniqueness means we will make decisions exclusive to our lives, and the more we trust it, the better it works. Dr Catherine Wilkins echoes this sentiment in her book, Soul’s Brain: The Neurology and Logic of Your Intuition: “Because of the unique nature of our neurology, our intuition will work differently from others, even though it’s telling us about the same universe we all live in.” The world will undoubtedly change for the better in the years ahead. I believe the shift in humanity’s consciousness will give power back to the people and intuition will become its guiding source. The power I’m talking about is one’s authentic self and merging with our core being. I’m not talking about a spiritual apocalypse, but something simpler. It requires learning to trust ourselves, and the inherent power bequeathed to us by a benevolent universe. It will involve overcoming fear, which has dominated humanity for so long and awaken love, compassion and higher states of awareness.

This is not a prophetic glimpse into the future but based on my observations over the years, those with a strong intuition succeed in life. They trust their inherent power to make important decisions. I’ve witnessed this in my life, where my earlier choices were made by reason and logic alone. Nowadays, my intuition is a powerful ally which I call upon regularly. The key to awakening our intuition is to use it often and trust in the outcome. It requires having faith in our invested power and not second-guessing ourselves.

To live a balanced life, we ought to work harmoniously with our intuition. An awakening of consciousness refers to an expanded awareness. Knowing this, I’d like you to reflect on areas where you used intuition to make well-intentioned decisions. Think about how intuition communicates to you, unlike the forceful power of the ego. How can you better develop your intuition? Perhaps through your relationship with others? Your career, finances, health, etc? Put intuition to practice in the smallest ways and observe the outcome. Look for signs where intuition is calling you instead of reason and logic. It is when we awaken our inherent power, that intuition will become a guiding force in our life.

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How To Stop Being Controlled By Your Habits, Your Fears And The Opinions Of Others

Allow Life To Show You Endless Possibilities

“You only have control over three things in your life – the thoughts you think, the images you visualize, and the actions your take.” — Jack Canfield

It’s fair to say there are many things that hold us back from living an extraordinary life. We are controlled by our habits or lack of them, our fears and the opinions of others. This impacts our self-esteem and prevents us from revealing our unique gifts and talents. Yes, we all have extraordinary gifts to share, even if they are unfamiliar to you. Those who achieve extraordinary things, go on a quest to develop their talents to bring to the world. How about you? What are your exceptional talents and gifts? Are you aware of them or are you still developing those qualities?

Irrespective of where you are, life is about discovering our authentic self and living according to our highest values. Therefore, we mustn’t be restricted by limiting factors as they reduce the potential to become our best selves. It is a given we will make mistakes and encounter setbacks throughout our life. But this serves a purpose, insofar as it strengthens our inner resolve and character. Think about this in your own life. What difficulties have you faced that contributed to the person you are today? What lessons did you discover through your difficulties?

What follows is how we can overcome being controlled by our habits, fears and the opinions of others. An extraordinary life is not one that resembles others, such as rock stars or Hollywood actors. It is an exceptional life established in overcoming your setbacks and challenges and discovering the essence of your core self. To live an extraordinary life needn’t be as terrifying as we think. It requires setting aside our beliefs of what we deserve and allowing life to show us endless possibilities. It entails healing and transforming our former life, such as our past or unnecessary baggage we are still holding on to.

Your Habits

“You can influence, direct and control your own environment. You can make your life what you want it to be.” — Napoleon Hill

Many people are controlled by their habits because they choose less than optimal routines that are easy. But this comes at a price and catches up to us quicker than we expect. I don’t intend to belittle your choices but highlight how we live below what we are capable of. This is my experience coaching clients for over a decade. I have seen a pattern in virtually every individual I’ve coached and that is: many of them are not aware of their potential because of their poor habit choices.

Therefore, we must conquer our limiting habits and move towards what is in our best interest. For example, people often say they don’t feel like going to the gym to work-out. On the other hand, the successful person sets these feelings aside and shows up, irrespective of how they feel. I constantly have this dialogue with myself when I don’t feel like swimming laps at my local pool or going to the gym. I observe my thoughts, thank them and still show up because I know, once I arrive, things inevitably change. The key is to not be dictated by our emotions but rely on strong habits and discipline, to live a remarkable life. It requires setting aside our fleeting emotions to focus on the long game.

Your Fears

“Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Our fears rule our life, to the degree they impede our ability to attain happiness. I know an impressive deal about fear, since it was imprinted upon me by my well-intentioned mother growing up. She would constantly exclaim: “watch out” or “be careful” and I developed a paranoia about taking risks. Can you identify with this in your own life? Have you experienced something similar that it became a part of your life, unknowingly? In my case, I stopped taking risks because fear dominated my life. This came at a cost to my happiness because I ceased to step outside my comfort zone. I was dictated by my fears, while others refused to allow their fears to dominate them.

What I’m suggesting is, we must transform our fears, instead of allowing them to rule our life. We ought to confront them head on, since fear isn’t as terrible as we think. It is the fear of fear we are most scared of and why we prefer to stay in our comfort zone. Negative emotions don’t feel good, but we can still learn a lot about our darkness, if we stop running away from it. Therefore, confront your fears instead of being owned by them.

The Opinions Of Others

“Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire.” — Dale Carnegie

I don’t know many people that don’t care about the opinions of others. I recall a well-known celebrity who moved into our neighbourhood long ago, once said to me: what other people think of me is none of my business. At the time, I didn’t understand the impact of that statement until recent years. Similarly, my father rarely cared what others thought of him because he made choices that were in his family’s best interests. This annoyed others, but my father didn’t care because he chose the welfare of his family over the opinions of others.

We can become imprisoned to what others think of us, which doesn’t matter because they are not living our life. If people pleasing makes us unhappy, we are not living according to our authentic self. So, I urge you to look within and examine why you want to conform to what others think of you? What advantage do you get pleasing others, at the expense of your own misery? There is often a deep-rooted need for others to like us, but this comes at a cost to our self-esteem and self-worth. Eventually, we must conquer this limiting behaviour and make choices that benefit our future. When we stop being controlled by our habits, our fears and the opinions of others, we are no longer imprisoned by something external to us.

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Don’t Decide What’s Possible For You, Based On Where Your Life Is Right Now

Judging Your Life Doesn’t Help You

“When we struggle to change ourselves, we in fact, only continue the patterns of self-judgement and aggression. We keep the war against ourselves alive.” — Jack Kornfield

I want you to reflect on what is working favourably in your life right now? Is it your relationships, finances, health, family, career, etc? Now, think about what is not working for you? What area of your life could be improved? Let’s set aside the current circumstances regarding the Coronavirus pandemic because we have little control in what happens. But I invite you to examine the various aspects of your life, to see how you could improve it.

We mustn’t think our life isn’t working based on where we are right now. Sometimes, our current situation may be a transition for the next phase of our life. Life is constantly evolving. Judging our current circumstances is like taking a photograph of someone, believing that is how they will look their entire life. Moreover, you keep looking at the photograph over the years, thinking the person is still the same. But this is wishful thinking, since they will have matured, changed the colour of their hair, perhaps lost weight or changed other aspects of their appearance. What I’m saying is: if we judge our life based on a snapshot of where we are, we miss out on what is yet to unfold.

Are you comfortable with this idea that your life is constantly evolving? It would be remiss of you to decide what isn’t possible based on what is lacking or not working. I hope you get the impression that judging your life doesn’t help you get to the next chapter, but keeps you stuck in your current predicament. Naturally, we evaluate life through the lens of disappointment and discouragement. Many people do this because they want to fix what isn’t working. But what if your life isn’t broken and you are judging it unfairly? That is to say, perhaps the pieces of your life are still coming together and look disjointed because the entire picture is not complete?

Anything Is Possible For You

“Self-judgment continues to arise – but the fact that I made a conscious commitment to recognize it has helped me stop feeding the story of being unworthy.” — Tara Brach

What we ought to do is work towards how our life should look, knowing the pieces may not fit, since it is still coming together. Is this beginning to make sense, where judging your life is pointless because life is constantly flowing through us like a stream. The Greek philosopher Heraclitus said: “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” He was referring to the ever-changing speed at which our life ebbs and flows. What we are certain of today may be irrelevant tomorrow. This is evident right now regarding the Coronavirus. Scientists and infectious disease experts are only certain of the data today because things aren’t changing at an ever-increasing rate.

And so it is with your life. Things may appear to be working against you today, and suddenly everything can fall into place tomorrow. It is when we look back on our life, we can see that our failures and mistakes had to happen, to bring us to where we are today. Anything is possible for you, as long as you continue moving forward and not give up hope of a better future. If you give up, you stop taking risks and settle for what you’ve got. Unfortunate things happen to people every day. They can cause setbacks and frustration because we believe we are not making progress. But these thoughts are an illusion, contrived by the egoic mind to protect us from getting hurt. But ask any successful person and they will tell you, some of the best things that happened to them, came out of nowhere. They occurred when they least expect it, while pursuing their goals and dreams.

With this in mind, I’d like you to draw up on a piece of paper or your phone, three columns with the headings: What Is Working for Me and What Is Not Working for Me. In the third column write: What Is The Lesson? Take some time to work through the questions I asked you at the beginning of the article, regarding what is working for you and against you. This will give you a sense of how your life is tracking and whether you need to intervene. Sometimes, interfering in our life is like throwing a stone into a serene pond which disturbs the pristine water. Instead, allow life to organise itself around you and through you, to bring you what you need at the right time. After all, if we determine what is possible based on where we are, we miss out on the potential for life to deliver what we need, when we least expect it.

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Why Those Who Are Most Responsive To Change, Will Always Thrive

Go With The Natural Flow Of Events

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” — Charles Darwin

What are you resisting right now in your life? Is it the sudden change of circumstances in relation to the Coronavirus? Perhaps it’s something you’re missing out on, such as being in contact with loved ones, friends, work colleagues or others? What negative emotions are you experiencing as a result? Is it anger, frustration, anxiety, fear or something else? How are you responding to them?

I realise I’m asking a lot of questions but it’s important we understand what is the cause of our negative emotions. Now, granted, you might say I’m angry and frustrated being isolated from others against my will. And you wouldn’t be wrong to feel this way, however what is the fundamental reason behind it? You see, the emotions you’re experiencing may not only be attributed to the separation. There could be something deeper beneath the surface that warrants your investigation. It is my experience, working with individuals over the years, that those who are most responsive to change always thrive.

These are people who are psychologically flexible and embrace what life throws at them. It doesn’t mean they like what is happening. And I’m not suggesting you like what is taking place either, since that would be remiss of me. What I’m suggesting, is you accept your current conditions to the best of your ability and make the most of it. Is this something you’re willing to give your attention to? Could you entertain the idea that you needn’t like your current circumstances but merely stop struggling against it?

Resistance is futile because ultimately reality trumps our struggles and emotions. And who says life ought to meet our expectations? Life is a self-sustaining system, operating with its own natural laws. We must learn to abide by them because we are a drop in an ocean of a vast cosmic intelligence, working tirelessly to maintain order. But sometimes, what we initially experience as chaos, is laying the groundwork for order which follows. It makes it easier if we stop fighting what is happening and go with the natural flow of events. This is what is meant by being grateful. It’s the idea of looking for hidden gems contained within unexpected events.

Life Is Not Personal

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” — Lao Tzu

Assuredly, what we give our attention to becomes our focal point. So, if you direct your attention to unpleasant circumstances, you will find evidence of it (confirmation bias) and call it into your experience. But this comes at a cost to your wellbeing, which is paramount to your mental and physical health. Responding to change affirmatively means that even though circumstances are not as we like them to be, we can still turn misfortune into triumph. It means looking for the silver lining in every experience, even if we have to look hard, there will always be a positive lesson.

Listen, life is unfair. When we were young and protected by our parents or guardians, we may have assumed life was fair. But as we mature and discover through heartbreak, setbacks and disappointments, life is anything but fair. This is because life is not personal. Read that again and mark it somewhere on your computer or smartphone. Life is not personal. You are part of life’s ecosystem and when you cooperate and collaborate with this energetic force, circumstances will benefit you.

So, back to my earlier questions about what you’re resisting right now. How can you take that experience and find a hidden treasure amongst it? Could you give yourself the gift of sitting with your negative emotions, to explore what is at the heart of your resistance? I assure you, this practice alone, can change your life more than you realise.

It will help you control your emotions and understand their underlying motive. You needn’t struggle with life because doing so means resisting the gifts it brings. Those gifts will seldom come in the form you hope for. They are often disguised as: hardship, pain, struggle and disappointment and requires we face them with optimism instead resistance. I often ask myself: Why do some people struggle with change while others take it in their stride? Why do some people not allow their experiences get them down? What do they know that others don’t?

I’m not convinced that successful people are any wiser or more intelligent than the rest of us. I’m certain however, they have experienced heartache, suffering and misfortunes to know that hardships don’t come to disturb our peace, but to anchor us in our resilience and sharpen the saw of our character. This is why those who are most responsive to change will thrive because they move with their circumstances and make the most of it. So, give that gift to yourself right now. Give yourself the gift of sitting with your emotions for 30 minutes, to explore what is really going on beneath the surface. Give yourself the gift of unlocking your true wisdom. It is only then you will realise that thriving isn’t a state of mind but a way of being in the world.

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How To Use Your Pain To Develop Emotional Resilience

Running Away From Pain Our Entire Life

“Emotional pain of any kind is a reminder to stop and look inside.” — Gary Zukav

What is the cause of your emotional pain right now, if anything? Is it something deeper such as pain from a loved one contracting the Coronavirus or the uncertainty of the world we live in? I know I’m being specific here, since I’d like you to understand what is the root cause of your pain. It requires looking inward and setting aside your judgements about what you believe is taking place. Usually, our pain isn’t the result of what is happening right now but a residue of the past. We tend to recycle the past into the present moment which obscures what is really taking place. Therefore, by examining our pain, we realise we’ve been carrying a heavy burden for so long that is has become the new norm.

What I’m referring to can be summarised by the disgraced, seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong, who believed his lies and was convinced he was telling the truth. In some ways we do a similar thing, where carrying emotional pain becomes entrenched in our nervous system. However, when triggered by an event or those who activate our wounds, we wonder why we are reacting to it. Unless we work with a trained therapist or take the journey into ourselves, it will become apparent we’ve been running away from pain our entire life.

Can you identify with this narrative in your own life? It is my experience coaching people over the years, they become aware of their wounds through their relationships. For example, we cannot hide from our pain in an intimate relationship because the other person will mirror our unresolved trauma. Pain will always find a path to our door, so we can learn what we need to at the right time. However, many people close the door to their pain because they don’t want to experience difficult emotions. But I ask you: would you rather run from pain your entire life, or sit with it for the brief time it takes to experience the difficult emotions?

Painful Emotions Will Always Find A Way To Get Your Attention

“If you desire to know where your spiritual work lies, look to your emotional pain.” — Alan Cohen

You’ve got to use your pain and not allow it to use you. Sure, it might be unpleasant in the short term because who wants to experience anger, sadness, fear and other unpleasant emotions? But having worked through these emotions for over a decade, I assure you on the other side lies the most heartening experience of love. Difficult and painful emotions is the entrance fee we pay to experience the wholeness of our true selves. Painful emotions shine the light on our authentic self because they reveal who we really are, instead of who we believe ourselves to be. Pain can be temporary or it can last decades, and the only person who has authority over it is, you. You control the intensity of the pain, and how long it stays in your life. Neuropsychologists believe that an emotion takes 2 ½ minutes to move through our nervous system, yet many people hold on to painful emotions for decades.

This is unnecessary because dealing with pain can help to ease their suffering and live a more expanded and fulfilling life. Yes, even difficult emotions can be unexpected teachers. We needn’t butt heads with them, but allow them passage through us, as eluded to in my earlier metaphor. They need to be acknowledged because hidden within the emotions are messages from your soul regarding your life’s narrative. If we run from these emotions, they will find another way to get our attention. In my experience, this sometimes involves physiological pain such as an injury, back pain, neck pain or illness and disease. The emotions will find a way through the body to get your attention.

Therefore, use your pain to develop emotional resilience, instead of running away from them. Anaesthetising our pain with drugs, food, material possessions are forms of distraction that keep us from attending to what truly matters; our emotional well-being. So, invite the difficult emotions in because they will find a way back to your front door; sometimes when you least expect it. Knowing this, I’d like you to work through the questions I asked you at the beginning of the article. Now that you have the time, it would be a perfect opportunity to do the healing work to overcome your emotional wounds. Use this time at home to invest in yourself and be patient with what you experience. Pain can be a doorway into the past, bringing painful memories, or the opportunity to create a fresh canvas upon which to renew our life’s purpose.

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When You Don’t Know What’s Going On, Be Open To Receive What Is For Your Highest Good

Awaken From Our Sleep

“All human things hang on a slender thread, the strongest fall with a sudden crash.” — Ovid

It’s no surprise there’s a lot of uncertainty at the moment, given the situation with the Coronavirus. People’s health is at stake, not to mention their livelihood. Suddenly, we are in the midst of an emergency having to deal with something we were not prepared for. This can cause panic and fear because we doubt our capacity to cope with what is taking place. Reflect on this for a moment. Is it the fear of the unknown that frightens you or doubting you will make it through the crisis? Be honest and examine what is taking place beneath the fear. Sometimes, we try to avoid negative emotions, but they can be useful if we deal with them instead of run away from them.

This is the essence of people’s dilemma; they are not well equipped to manage negativity because they stow it away. So, when we don’t know what is going on in our lives, the best we can do is be open to receive what is for our highest good. There must be an important lesson contained within this experience, otherwise it wouldn’t be happening. Blaming others does little to move us forward. It keeps us trapped in our circumstances and whilst it may appease our suffering for a little while, it disempowers us in the long term. This pandemic highlights the consciousness of humanity in its current state, which is steeped in fear and anxiety instead of faith, compassion and cooperation. Therefore, we are being forced to awaken these qualities within ourselves, and must heed the lessons sooner or later.

Are you comfortable with this idea that life will present us with an experience or series of experiences to awaken us from our sleep? Perhaps you faced something similar, whether it involved losing your job or the breakup of a long-term relationship? Think back to the lessons gained in the time that followed? It is my experience; we can never go back to our old way of life when faced with a situation of this size. Something awakens us to our greater purpose, and unexpectedly we are put on the path towards our destiny. What if this experience is foreshadowing the same awakening for humanity? I don’t know, nor do I believe anyone else does at this time. All we can do is take the journey and see where it will lead us in the coming months and years.

Will it be frightening? Yes. Will there be moments of despair? Yes. Will you be able to navigate your way through it? Only time will tell, but before then, you will be pushed and pulled and some may reach breaking point. Only then will you awaken to your true humanity. I’m not talking about physical suffering but a psychological, emotional and spiritual breaking point. It will seem as though your world is falling apart, when in fact it is BREAKING APART to reveal the essence of your infinite self. What makes me so sure, you ask? I’ve written in earlier articles and books about my experience of being diagnosed with a life-threatening disease and subsequently losing my father to an illness, within a short space of time. Both experiences felt as though my world was breaking apart, yet when the anxiety and fear receded, I experienced an inner knowing assuring me I would be fine.

Nature Has A Way Of Changing The Rules

“It’s not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share.” — Pema Chodron

It is this inner knowing we must lean upon to make sense of what is taking place. We must go within, to soften our minds and help us make sense of what is happening. If we keep responding to the fear and anxiety propagated by the news, it might look like the world is falling apart. But life and Mother Earth is more intelligent than that. In fact, life knows how to sustain itself because it has done so for millions of years and will do so long after we are gone. Life is a self-fulfilling system that regenerates itself repeatedly. It is built upon the laws of nature, physics and mathematics. If we are to awaken from the current crisis, we must abide with these natural laws, otherwise we will succumb to the same crisis again in the years to come.

Since we are all in the same boat, sailing into uncharted waters, we must be open to receive what is for our highest good. We may not know what that looks like right now, since it is too early to tell. Things are changing at a rapid pace. I read recently that scientists have constructed mathematical models to figure what this virus will do in the ensuing months. Yet, no matter how exact the models are, nature has a way of changing the rules when we least expect it. It was the British statistician George Box who said: “All models are wrong, but some are useful.” Therefore, rather than thrash about in the lifeboats, we ought to stay calm and keep paddling towards a new reality. I use the analogy of a lifeboat because it feels like we have been thrown overboard from the mother-ship and scrambling to make sense of our current predicament.

But it won’t always be this way; there will come a time when we will look back and realise how this experience shaped our lives. It is a terrible tragedy that people have lost their lives and will continue to do so, as the virus spreads. My heart goes out to the victims and their families struggling through this period. My heart goes out to the front-line health workers, giving themselves tirelessly to save people’s lives. I sympathise with those suffering from depression and mental anguish at this time. Please hang in there. No matter what happens, the wave we are being carried upon will eventually recede into calmer waters and we will be shown a new landscape upon which to rebuild our lives.

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