Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 19

To Improve The Quality Of Your Life, Focus On Getting Better

Personal Growth Is A Long And Arduous Journey

“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” — Jim Rohn

Do you want to improve your life? Are you committed to changing your conditions? Many people will answer yes to these questions, though it is my experience very few people are dedicated to improve their life. This is because the work is difficult, unending and filled with setbacks and disappointments. It is often lined with unpleasant emotions and digging up the past to heal and transform our wounds. But there is no other way than doing the difficult work of attending to our personal growth. It cannot happen overnight nor in thirty days, as many books espouse because this is only skimming the surface.

Everything taking place in your life right now, whether unwanted or not, is the accumulation of your thoughts and beliefs. This is empowering for many reasons least of which means you have the power to change your future by redirecting your thoughts. How you feel about this? Does it make you unhappy that your life’s conditions result from everything you’ve ever thought? Whilst I understand you might feel this way, you may also see the power to create new circumstances for your life from this point forward. As I alluded to earlier, personal growth is a long and arduous journey with many setbacks and detours. Those who embark on this journey give up because of the difficulties they face.

I liken it to the Navy Seals BUD/S program where only 20 to 30% of candidates will graduate. The training is extreme and purposefully designed to weed out those not equipped to become Navy Seals. In some respects, personal growth is the same if you’re not willing to do the work to improve your life. We cannot expect to do little work on ourselves and be awarded the riches of life, it just doesn’t work that way. Read any biography on those who reached the pinnacle of success and you will learn about the struggles they endured. I’m reminded of the quote by the former American football player and coach Lou Holtz who said: “Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I’ll show you someone who has overcome adversity.” He was affirming that adversity builds character and contributes to our growth and development.

What Happens When The Going Gets Tough?

“Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.” — William Faulkner

Therefore, to improve the quality of your life, avoid focusing on results but aim to get better instead. The goal is to build on your success while noting areas of improvement. For example, I wrote an article recently where I observed two people talking throughout an entire workshop I attended. Years ago, I would have been angered by their lack of courtesy and let them know about it. Think of those who talk throughout an entire film and ruin it for everyone else. However, I sat with my emotions and noted where I experienced the anger in my body. In the next instance, something unexpected happened. I felt compassion for these two people. I was overcome with a sense of peace and harmony because behind the anger was the realisation that only love exists. To reach this loving and peaceful state, we must first experience the anger, yet many people are quick to act on their emotions which prevents them from reaching love, compassion and inner peace.

Is this beginning to make sense, in that getting better should be our focus instead of wishing our lives were different? Are you willing to do the work no matter what it takes? Obviously you are invested in your personal growth because you are reading this article and maybe even sharing it with family and friends. But what happens when the going gets tough and you hit a hurdle in your personal growth? How do you react? Who do you become? I have encountered many setbacks over the past decade, yet I have experienced enormous growth during these times. Life will present us with the experiences needed for our personal growth when we least expect it. We can embrace the lessons or resist them, however they will continue to show up in a different form until we accept what is taking place.

So for now, I’d like you to give some thought to the areas of your life you want to improve. Write down in your journal/diary or on a piece of paper what you would like to improve about your life. Is it your finances, health, love life, career? Be very specific about what you want. Don’t focus on what you don’t want in your journaling. Second, what is required to change your circumstances? You might think you need to hire a life coach or invest in an expensive course but sometimes it is simpler than that. It may be as simple as not complaining for the next thirty days. It might require investigating your beliefs and forming new ones. The point is: everything you need to change your life is right at your fingertips. As you move through your personal development, the next resource will be made available to you. Therefore, to improve the quality of your life, stop focusing on results and direct your attention to enhancing the life you’re living now.

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We Must Stand Fully In Our Own Shoes And Not Give Up On Ourselves

Understanding The Origins Of Our Desires

“If we are willing to stand fully in our own shoes and never give up on ourselves, then we will be able to put ourselves in the shoes of others and never give up on them.” ― Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are

What does it mean to you to stand fully in your own shoes and not give up on yourself? I understand it to mean owning our weaknesses and shadows and not stowing them away because they don’t feel good. It entails accepting ourselves as we are, not as we like ourselves to be. It’s easy to be happy when everything is smooth sailing but what if we are still unhappy despite our needs being met? Do you want to entrust your happiness to a particular state of being every time? Don’t you see this is not a way to live because we are always hoping life will be a certain way before we can be happy?

It is possible to achieve happiness amidst darkness and despair. Happiness is a choice that requires accepting our circumstances and not buying into some ideal that life will be better when our needs are met. Have you noticed when you get what you want, there is always something more the ego craves? It’s not your fault because it is the role of the ego to want more. It is never satisfied because it hinges its survival on craving and desire. It is what the Tibetan Buddhist Pema Chödrön refers to when she writes in Start Where You Are: How to Accept Yourself and Others: “Ego is not sin. Ego is not something that you get rid of. Ego is something that you come to know — something that you befriend by not acting out or repressing all the feelings that you feel.”

This cycle leads to suffering because we are like children, always wanting more to ensure our happiness. We cry and throw tantrums when we don’t get what we want and when it finally arrives, we are momentarily happy before longing for the next thing. Think about this in your own life. Have there been situations where you yearned for something and when it arrived, you craved the next thing? It’s human nature to want what we don’t have, but surely we can break this cycle by understanding ourselves better? I believe it lies in better understanding our desires and our egoic needs. Zen Buddhism advocates against pursuing pleasure (desires) since they can never be met. Perceiving our negative emotions through the eyes of compassion and kindness is the way out of suffering. This is a difficult concept for many to contemplate because self-compassion is still a foreign idea for us to practice in the West.

Attend To The Emotions That Need Our Attention

“Being human is not about being anyone particular way; it is about being as life creates you—with your own particular strengths and weaknesses, gifts and challenges, quirks and oddities.” ― Kristin Neff

Self-compassion means to be intimate with our emotions and create a space of healing and love, instead of anaesthetising it with: alcohol, material objects, harmful activities or toxic people. It requires coming to terms with our darkness and heavy emotions. These are our childhood wounds calling us to sit with them instead of running from them. I liken it to listening to music and constantly pausing the songs to attend to other matters. We are not appreciating the music but interrupting it to divert our attention to something else. This happens when we defer our childhood traumas, by occupying ourselves in something other than the emotions that need our attention. Is this something you’re willing to explore? Will you to take the time to make space to be with yourself regularly? Your answer will give you an insight into whether you are committed to your healing and transformation or whether you delay the process because of the pain associated with it.

It is my experience coaching people over the years that they give up on themselves too soon. Regrettably, they give up on other areas of their lives too instead of processing the pain. When I encourage them to heal their wounds, they realise they have been running away from their pain their entire life. It is then they are willing to process the pain of the past. Whilst it is not a pleasurable experience, we can transform our pain and integrate it into the wholeness of our core nature. We realise these experiences do not define us but appreciate that beneath the pain of regret or disappointment, is the sweetest joy and love that knows no bounds. Once we stop running from ourselves, we are ready to be intimate with an expansive love that dwells within us.

This love never disappeared but was obscured by the disentangled beliefs concealing our true nature. Therefore, to stand fully in our own shoes and not give up on ourselves is a journey of self-enquiry and self-realisation. We become curious about who we really are and peel back the layers, to reveal an exquisite flower blossoming before our very eyes. We come to love ourselves unconditionally and this realisation echoes far and wide, so all who come into contact with us can feel the radiance of this love blooming. This is not a fairy tale about falling in love with ourselves but removing the layers that prevent us knowing our true worth. Knowing this, I invite you to journal what you think is holding you back in your life right now? What is standing in the way of your true happiness? Are you willing to own your darkness? Once we stop giving up on ourselves, we will understand that beneath our suffering is a sweet, innocent child yearning to be held in the arms of love.

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The Less You Respond To Negativity, The More Peaceful You Become

Those Who Fight Monsters

“Letting go of negative people doesn’t mean you hate them. It just means that you love yourself.”—Anonymous

When did you last experience a negative encounter with someone? Was it this week? How did it work out? It is my experience that we cannot resolve negativity with more negativity. I liken it to putting out a fire with gasoline. Whilst your intentions may be honourable, gasoline causes vapours from the gas to burn wildly and the same happens when we douse negativity with more of it. Negative people are not like you and me insofar as they are addicted to the high that negativity offers. To put it another way, have you ever been so angry and experienced anger’s energy simmering in your body that it felt euphoric? It is this intensity that negative people are drawn to. Retaliating with negativity, empowers them more and you are likely to walk away feeling disillusioned.

However, dealing with negative people with objectivity confuses them because they’re not accustomed to it. I’m not suggesting you become a doormat and allow others to walk all over you. I would encourage you to choose your battles wisely. Negative people are not battles you want to enter into lightly, since you will lose every time. It was the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche who said: “Those who fight monsters should be careful lest they become monsters.” Negative people are experts at owning their darkness and enjoy being mired in toxic situations. They look for negativity at any opportunity and will drag you into their pit of despair. Even if you win the battle, you will lose the war for they will come back at you with greater force. This can stifle people because they are unaccustomed to dealing with toxic people.

I mentioned in an earlier article that I’ve been dealing with negative neighbours for over a twelve months. They try to pull me into their negativity, yet I stay calm and peaceful because I refused to succumb to their ways. I will not be drawn into their world since I prefer peace and harmony, not being impregnated with unnecessary drama. They cannot understand how I can remain calm amid their chaos and confusion. It is because I nurture the gifts of: patience, wisdom, inner peace and compassion. I will not allow others to stampede across my mind with their conflicts, when it has taken me years of personal growth to arrive at this state.

Don’t Engage With Them

“Stop allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions.”—Steve Maraboli

Yes, I concede that negativity is addictive because it triggers primaeval emotions that force us to respond in anger and haste. Sometimes, this means saying or doing things out of character which we regret later. Isn’t it better to bide our time instead of responding to an emotionally charged situation? Sure, you may give them a piece of your mind which feels good, however we must choose our battles wisely because winning the day doesn’t mean winning the war. How do you feel about this? I realise it may raise questions about unfairness? But we mustn’t see it that way because they aren’t winning. It may look that way but step into their shoes and you soon realise the heavy cost of carrying that negativity. What I’m saying is negative energy eventually takes it toll on a person.

How dreary must their lives be if negativity is their answer to everything? It reminds me of the story told by the Buddha in which he equated anger being akin to holding hot coal in our hands. Whilst the intention is to throw it at another person, we are the ones that get burned. This personifies what negative people thrive on. Their anger and hatred become their weapon turned against them. Similarly, if you’re familiar with the area of mind-body medicine, you know that toxic emotions may manifest as disease in the body, if given enough attention. So, what is the antidote to dealing with negative people? There isn’t a secret, other than to stay clear of them where possible, for it was Albert Einstein who once said: “Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.” In a similar vein, I would advise you to notice your own anger and negativity when in their company. It’s not that I don’t get angry when I’m around destructive people, however I’ve learned to direct this energy appropriately. It will require practice and you will slip up on occasions.

Nowadays, negative people serve as my teachers that help me improve my emotional skills. Every encounter with a toxic person is an opportunity to master my emotional constitution. Yes, there will be times when they get the better of me, but I use the opportunity to improve myself each time. With this in mind, I’d like you to think about the negative situation I asked you about earlier. Write or journal how you could improve your interaction with this person/s next time you see them? What emotions are they triggering? Is it anger, shame, guilt or disappointment? Why do you feel this way? Where in your past have you been triggered by similar events? It is only when we truly know ourselves that others are less likely to pull us into their lair of despair. We become bastions of peace and positivity because as the Navy Seals often say: Calm is contagious.

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You Always Get What You Believe You Deserve

Self-Worth Issues Are Rooted In Our Childhood

“You can have anything you want if you are willing to give up the belief that you can’t have it.”—Dr. Robert Anthony

I’d like you to reflect on the following questions before you read the rest of this article: What do you believe you deserve in life? Do you have issues around receiving? Do you find it difficult to get what you want because of the obstacles that get in the way? Do you struggle to fill your needs, whether it be via: a relationship, career goals, finances or otherwise? Yes, there are many questions to consider and I invite you to journal your answers after you finish reading. It may be difficult to acknowledge, however we always get what we believe we deserve. Allow me to unpack this further to explain what I mean. If we have self-worth issues embedded in our childhood, we will settle for less and believe it is all we are capable of receiving.

For example, when I was young, my father remarked that I would never amount to anything because I couldn’t do the smallest tasks properly. Although I didn’t digest the significance of its meaning, it was repeated often enough and became entrenched in my psyche. Like many others, I developed self-esteem issues related to deserving because of this belief. Have you experienced something similar when growing up? It wasn’t until I used self-enquiry to heal the limiting beliefs, that I understood that they were formed during my upbringing.

It wasn’t only my father’s fault because I played a part in co-creating the experience, insofar as I accepted the messages communicated to me. In contrast, my mother was a kind, loving and compassionate woman who constantly nurtured me and my siblings through positive reinforcement. So why did I absorbed my father’s criticism and not my mother’s positive encouragement? Psychologists say our minds are more alert to negativity, known as a negativity bias which is hard-wired into our DNA. I’m not alone in encountering these childhood experiences. I have coached hundreds of people over the years who experienced similar events, whether through a parent, a teacher, a sporting coach or loved one. Each of them adopted the negative stimuli that undermined their self-esteem.

You Must Believe You Are Deserving

“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.”—Marie Curie

So how do we overcome our childhood wounds to become better receivers? I believe it lies in self-enquiry, to better understand ourselves. For some, it may require working with a trained therapist to explore their childhood traumas. Either way, we must learn to navigate and heal our emotional wounds so we can move forward. How does this sound to you? Can you see how life isn’t conspiring against you? Life wants to give you all the riches you deserve. But first you must overcome the impediments that stand in the way of receiving them. There’s no point bemoaning your current situation while wanting more when underneath it, you feel unworthy of receiving it.

To receive more, we must believe we are deserving of having more. It requires rewriting our childhood script and seeing it through the eyes of compassion and love, even towards our wrongdoer. I’m not condoning acts of abuse of any kind but inviting you to forgive yourself and those who contributed to your pain. This is the essence of what the clinical neuropsychologist, Dr. Mario Martinez captures in his book The MindBody Code: How to Change the Beliefs that Limit Your Health, Longevity, and Success: “One of the most important lessons is that forgiveness is a liberation from the personal enslavement you construct when a misdeed is perpetrated against you. Rather than forgiving the perpetrator or minimizing the intensity of the misdeed, you recover the empowerment and self-worthiness you thought had been taken from you.”

A realisation I experienced in the last decade was that my father’s role in my life was purposeful from a greater perspective because he helped me realise my self-worth. Had I not experienced those events, I may not have valued myself to the degree I do now. My emotional wounds helped me discover my true self-worth. I’m not suggesting this is the only aspect holding us back from receiving goodness, since there may be other childhood wounds interwoven throughout our experiences. What I know is: When we remove the fragmented stories of our undeservedness, we clear the runway for our life to soar. I know people who worked hard to heal their childhood wounds and remain stuck in their pain and suffering.

We must trust there is no deadline for our healing and transformation. You might call it a gradual awakening. Whatever the case, it entails stripping back that which is not conducive to a life of peace and joy. We must believe we are deserving of living a rich and abundant life. This doesn’t mean we will not encounter pain or suffering. It means, when we make peace with our childhood wounds, they no longer hold us captive. With this in mind, I’d like you to open your diary and journal your answers to the questions at the beginning of the article. Take your time and sit with your thoughts to get a sense of what is holding you back from receiving more. Ultimately, if we believe we deserve more, we must change our relationship to attract what is in alignment with our greater self.

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It Only Takes One Person To Open Their Eyes And Notice The Stars

The Power Of One Person To Change The World

“In the light of calm and steady self-awareness, inner energies wake up and work miracles without any effort on your part.”—Nisargadatta Maharaj

It only takes one person to open their eyes in awe to notice the stars. What does this passage mean to you? I don’t intend it to be a riddle, though I’m interested in your understanding of it? Allow me to give you some background as to its origin. I was talking with a client recently about understanding an idea that changes the course of our lives. Have you experienced moments like this, where you grasped a concept that changed your perception of life? I’ve experienced many of these moments. My client captured the essence of our conversation saying: “Tony, it’s like when someone opens their eyes and looks up in awe at the stars and sees light instead of darkness. Soon after, others follow their lead bringing with it an energising feeling of shared joy.”

You light the darkness when you open your eyes to your fears and give yourself to infinite possibilities and wonder. It is why we cannot discount the value of each moment to awaken the unlimited potential that lies within us. If I am to impart one piece of wisdom, it is this: everyone you meet, and every moment carries with it a treasure that can awaken the wisdom within you. We are one people, one collective consciousness divided by: religion, geography, ethnicity, education and upbringing. Whilst these qualities makes us different, I liken it to comparing a fountain pen to a ballpoint pen. Yes, they are different in many aspects yet they are both writing tools that help us communicate with one another. It doesn’t matter whether I use a ballpoint pen or you use an expensive Mont Blanc pen. The recipient does not recognise the difference because the ink on the paper communicates the message.

In these unpredictable times there’s a lot of uncertainty in the world, yet a great deal to be hopeful for. We mustn’t discount the power of one person to change the world. Recently, a young Swedish environmental activist Greta Thunberg, has stirred controversy by pleading to leaders of countries to review their position on climate change. Who would have thought a 16-year-old girl would cause so much debate, mainly amongst privileged white men who feel emasculated? It only takes one person to open their eyes in awe to notice the stars and change the course of humanity. I’m not suggesting Greta Thunberg is that person because it is too early to tell. She may fade into obscurity for all we know. However, it is the message these individuals carry that we must pay attention to. We could say the same of Elon Musk who has been instrumental in his work over the past decade. What I am saying is: when an individual sees the world differently, instead of criticising them we ought to look in the same direction to get a glimpse of what they see.

First They Ignore You

“Wisdom tends to grow in proportion to one’s awareness of one’s ignorance.”–Anthony de Mello

Are you comfortable embracing those who are different, rather than projecting our unresolved pain onto them? Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking or other pioneers of the 21st century sought to see the world differently, many of them possessing unique learning and behavioural abilities. Each individual with an idea will stop at nothing to bring their idea to life. I am reminded of the quote attributed to Mahatma Gandhi in which he said: “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” Rather than criticise those with a unique message, we ought to consider it with an open mind. It doesn’t mean we rush to embrace it but contemplate whether there is importance to it. There will be many like Greta Thunberg to come. Some will be old, some will be young but we mustn’t attack them but listen with a heartfelt awareness to gauge whether there is truth to their wisdom.

Humanity is crying out for leaders and changemakers. It is yearning for those with a strong character and a tenacious will. We must support our leaders because as Steve jobs put it so eloquently in 1997: “Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes … the ones who see things differently – they’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. … You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things. … They advance humanity forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

These are the people that will light the spark of ingenuity and inspiration for mankind. These people compel us to open our eyes in awe and look to the darkness to see the light. Such people walk into a dark room, signifying the darkness of the world and create a brighter future and hope for humanity. Let’s not be the ones to chastise them because their opinions do not conform to the masses. We don’t want them to conform because conformity doesn’t change the world. Let us applaud the heroes, the influencers. The innovators and the inventors with a vision to see a new world for humanity. Awareness is a powerful faculty because when it is engaged, it can cross the threshold of time and erase the past in a split second. It can move us from problems to solutions and we mustn’t discount the power of one person to change the collective consciousness of humanity.

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Your Challenges Don’t Expose Your Weaknesses, They Reveal Your Strengths

Negative Emotions Often Leave Clues

“When you face difficult times, know that challenges are not sent to destroy you. They’re sent to promote, increase and strengthen you.” — Anonymous

I want you to close your eyes and think of a difficult experience affecting you right now. Before you read any further, do this simple step to get a sense of how the problem is upsetting you. You may experience a range of emotions and I invite you to welcome them. Don’t push them away because they are uncomfortable. Allow them to be present since unpleasant emotions can teach us something valuable if we are present to them. Good, now open your eyes and let’s talk more about your problems. Thankfully, you are one of billions of people on this earth lucky enough to experience challenges. Lucky you say? Are you insane Tony? How am I lucky to have problems? You are lucky because your challenges contain the seeds of opportunities you have yet to discover.

Challenges contain enormous growth and when we overcome them, we can never go back to our old way of life. They help us recognise the endless possibilities and expand our consciousness. When I asked you to contemplate a current problem earlier, you no doubt experienced the negative emotions associated with it? And you would be right to feel this way because from where you stand the problem seems insurmountable. However, when you bridge the gap, it is diminished and you are able to see your challenges from a new perspective. You’re unable to perceive your problem with that mindset now because you haven’t gained the necessary growth.

It’s easy to see how our challenges expose our weaknesses, but we ought to think of it differently: they also reveal our strengths. If we accept the emotions that arise, we can work through our challenges more effectively. For example, I remember working with a young woman named Jennifer within a coaching capacity. Each time she experienced difficulties in her life, she would call me in a frenzy and explain how the situation was consuming her. One day during a coaching session, I invited her to tackle her challenges without allowing her anxiety, fear and frustration to get the better of her. I asked her to welcome these feelings since they were trying to teach her something valuable. Previously, she wanted to get rid of them because they didn’t feel good. And I understand she would feel that way, however negative emotions can show us where we need to direct our attention.

The Distance Between The Problem And The Solution

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change.” — Paulo Coelho

Does this make sense? Are you comfortable with the idea that negative emotions serve a purpose and we needn’t feel helpless because of them? I counselled Jennifer to be aware of her response and not push the emotions away, since they were trying to teach her something important. Given she felt anxious and irritated each time, meant the problem was important to her. It requires changing our response so we remain calm instead of reacting to what is taking place. We ought to interact with our core emotions and work through the issues instead of responding negatively. For example, if you asked someone close to you whether the situation you’re experiencing is a major problem, they might think otherwise. The reason you react to it, is that you are heavily invested in the outcome. I’m not suggesting this is detrimental, I am implying you accept your feelings by changing your response to what it means.

People believe problems expose their weaknesses because of the negative emotions that accompany it. If we experience fear, frustration and anger we might believe we are incapable of overcoming the experience because of the negativity involved. But they are signposts informing us the problem is important to us, otherwise we wouldn’t be experiencing them. So, welcome the negative emotions and process them as best you can and then deal with the problem before you. Can you do this? Can you give yourself the gift of looking at your problems from a new perspective instead of staying mired in negativity? I assure you, you can overcome any obstacle life throws at you. It’s a matter of biting through it one piece at a time, chewing it thoroughly and digesting what you need to.

You are not meant to bridge the gap from problem to solution in one go, otherwise you would be a genius. Problems and challenges arise because of the lessons and growth required for our life’s journey. They occur because the distance between the problem and the solution is where progress takes place. We can’t rush the growth any more than wishing a rose would grow quicker when planting the seed. We must nurture it daily with: water, proper soil and sunlight. And so it is with our challenges. Knowing this, I’d like you to return to your earlier problem. Write all the emotions you are experiencing on the left-hand side of a piece of paper or journal. Next to each emotion, write what you consider is the opposite of that emotion. For example if you feel fear, what is the opposite of fear for you? Is it: courage, faith, hope or patience? Once you’ve gone through the list, reflect on what these negative states are inviting you to know. Contemplate them first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. Trust that your current situation is calling you to overcome your weaknesses to reveal your true strength of character.

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Why Winning Isn’t Everything, Nor Is It The Only Thing

Is Winning Everything?

“Winning is not everything, but the effort to win is.” — Zig Ziglar

There is much to say about winning and based on the title of the article, you would think winning is not important. Let me be clear and state that winning is significant, for the right reasons. Sometimes winning is pursued for selfish reasons by validating a person’s self-worth. I’ve coached countless athletes over the years and recall on the occasions they were injured, their self-esteem took a hit. When they retired from sport because of injury or otherwise, it took them a long time to recover their self-worth. So if we only associate winning with our self-esteem, we are winning for the wrong reasons and hence why I say: winning isn’t everything, nor is it the only thing. What are your impressions about winning? Do you relate it with your self-worth?

This past weekend, I attended my young nephew’s basketball finals match. This was his first season playing basketball and his team was fortunate to make the finals. I attended most of his matches throughout the season and was impressed with the teamanship the young boy’s displayed. As with children playing sports, the parents were more invested in the outcome. Regrettably, they lost the final since the other team was stronger with noticeably taller players, which as you know in basketball is a contributing factor. What was interesting is the conversation I had with my nephew while driving home after the game. To appease him following the loss, I offered some wisdom saying: “Someone has to lose.” The point I was trying to make is that we don’t win all the time and we can gain valuable lessons from losing. Remarkably, he replied with a well-known quote attributed to the American football coach Vince Lombardi saying: “Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing.”

Some take the view that winning is everything and if we subscribe to this way of thinking, we miss out on the growth that comes with losing. I’m not implying losing is something we aim for. I’m suggesting that winning and losing serve a purpose if we are mindful of what they bring to our lives. For example, what has been your greatest lessons from losing? I don’t mean in sports alone but other areas of life? I have learnt: humility, patience, tenacity and perseverance because of losing. These are qualities I would not have gained had I won. If we consider winning is everything, we perceive life through a narrow filter because life’s greatest wins may often arise from failure. Some of you are familiar with the former Chicago Bulls basketballer Michael Jordan’s junior career and how it shaped his destiny to be a winner. The point I wish to convey is that losing can be a powerful motivator and precursor to winning.

Winning Can Only Take Us So Far

“Winning is not always the barometer of getting better.” — Tiger Woods

For my nephew, losing meant shame, humiliation and a blow to his self-esteem. And it makes sense he would think this way as a young boy, however as adults we ought to teach children the value of losing to sharpen the saw of their character, as author Stephen R. Covey wrote in 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. Losing can help us develop our skills and passions so we appreciate what is important to us. It helps us limit our focus and let go of whatever competes for our attention. Losing is pivotal if we are open to the lessons it conveys. If we associate losing with our self-worth, we become addicted to winning and lose sight of our true motives. Can you see that whilst winning is important, we must also be acquainted with losing to support our reason to win.

Sometimes winning can disrupt our lives if we pursue it with the wrong intentions. There have been notable sporting heroes over the years whose lives were derailed because of winning all the time. Some turned to: illegal use of drugs, reckless driving, public misconduct and marital affairs to name a few. They believed they were invincible and consider themselves winners only and not human beings with a capacity to win. I can list a dozen sporting heroes whose lives have been ruined because of winning but that is beside the point of this article. Winning can only take us so far and unless we continue to win, the only way is down. Losing affords us the gift of ascending the ladder of excellence while developing strength of character. It forces us to question our motives and many times we return stronger than before.

With this in mind, I’d like you to contemplate your relationship to winning. Consider one or two areas where you feel it’s important to win. Is it via a current relationship? Your career? Sporting or academic? Ask yourself: What do I hope to achieve by winning? Is it to enhance my self-esteem? What will this bring to my life long-term? Who do I hope to become as a result of winning? Try to get to the heart of why winning is important. I assure you, once you understand your motivations, winning and losing can become part of the same ideal where losing is not a final destination. Losing offers us the wisdom of growth and expansion because winning can lead to complacency. When we understand our reason to win, we accept winning more graciously and losing needn’t impact our self-worth but bolster it.

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Trying Too Hard Is The Real Reason For Your Lack Of Success

Don’t Aim For Results, Aim For Outcomes

“How to succeed? Try hard enough.”—Malcolm Forbes

I want to take you on a journey on a topic I trust is close to your heart as it is mine. What am I referring to? Trying too hard. Firstly, let’s begin by examining your relationship with the matter. Are you aware of trying too hard whether it be in your: relationships, career, health or otherwise? What do you believe is the cause of it? I will give you an insight into my experience via a recent journal entry below. Sometimes trying hard has worked, yet mostly it hasn’t because of the effort required to sustain it. For example, in relationships it can become exhausting trying hard all the time. Is this something you’ve experienced before? Perhaps you were making every effort instead of allowing the relationship to run its natural course? Whatever the case, there may be an underlying tension of forcing things to happen that can lead to an unhealthy relationship.

Similarly, if we try too hard to get ahead in our career, the energy we spend may be the very thing holding us back. How can we learn to struggle less without compromising our desire to succeed? For example, I enjoy working hard because it gives me a sense of purpose and meaning. I love writing, speaking and coaching clients on all things related to: self-improvement, personal growth and self-awareness. How about you? How do you find purpose and meaning in your life? Do you have expectations of how your work is seen by others? For example, you might enjoy being creative whether through art or music. Sometimes your work is not acknowledged in the manner you envisioned. This is hard to accept and so we try harder hoping our next creative endeavour will be a hit. However, success is seldom achieved in such a way, since we tend to please others instead of building on our success. We are not listening to our inner guidance but relying on outside influences to dictate our outcomes.

As you read through my journal entry below, note how I intentionally ask questions to get to the heart of the issue. The key is to focus on one area of your life when doing self-exploration and examine it objectively. It requires distancing yourself from the situation with an open mind. Then it will become obvious where you need to take action or not. Once you finish reading this article, I invite you to write in your journal or diary ways in which you are trying too hard in areas of your life. It may be difficult at first but remain open as you explore it since there may be vital clues you need to learn.

Examining My Limiting Belief
Am I Trying Too Hard To Succeed? What Is The Cause Of It?

“The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential… these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence.”—Confucius

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a strong desire to succeed whether it was related to my career or life circumstances. I’ve enjoyed working hard which may be attributed to my relationship with my father who conveyed the idea that nothing I did was ever good enough. Therefore, on an unconscious level I had to work harder than most people to achieve the same level of success. Tied to this was a sense of perfection and pushing myself to extremes, whether it be through sport, in my relationships or career. I was aware of the inner critic urging me to do better. However, the cost of trying too hard meant falling short of my expectations, i.e. disappointment, anger and frustration. I justified it by convincing myself that I had put in the hard work, therefore I should be entitled to success. Limiting Belief: Hard work is not a predictor or precursor to success. There were times I wanted to give up, yet I found this difficult because if I quit who would take control of my life? The universe? God? Someone else? These are questions that flood my mind as I try to make sense of how much effort it requires to achieve my goals.

In recent years, the need to try hard has improved. It involved the art of ‘allowing’ instead of forcing things to happen. When I force life to happen, it seldom works out as planned and I become disillusioned. When I come from a place of love, faith and trust, I can still work hard with fewer expectations of a desired outcome. It’s not that I don’t want to succeed, however I have learned to let go of fixed outcomes because life may have better plans. So how can I change my relationship of trying too hard? What is the cause of forcing things to happen? Firstly, I can learn to detach from desired outcomes regarding a project, a goal or a relationship. I still invest myself wholeheartedly and show up embodying my deepest self but I suspend my expectations of how things should unfold. Perhaps the cause of forcing things to happen is my limiting belief that I have to do all the work otherwise I won’t get what I want. This was the message conveyed by my father which I adopted as truth. I believed if nothing I do is ever good enough, I must work hard to make up for it. But working harder will not assure me success if my intentions are not in the right place. If I am lacking in some way, all my hard work will go to waste if I feel undeserving. The key is to work efficiently and reframe my relationship of receiving and deserving. When I let go of fixed outcomes and give myself entirely to the undertaking, everything I ever need will show up in its own time.

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Why Being Hard On Yourself Is Working Against You

You Will Never Be Good Enough

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”—Louise L. Hay

I want you to take an honest look at whether you are hard on yourself? I realise this has different implications for people, so let me define what I mean. For example, what is your inner dialogue when you make mistakes? Do you criticise yourself saying you could have done better? Are you aware of a critical inner voice where nothing you do is good enough? Do you strive for perfection? Are you paranoid about what others think of you? The list is endless, but it gives you an insight into whether your relationship with yourself is empowering or disempowering you. But how do we become this way? What causes us to be hard on ourselves in the first place?

Much of it relates to our childhood upbringing where we take on the narrative of our parents or main caregivers. For example, if you had a critical parent where nothing you did was good enough, you may have taken on this inner critic yourself. It becomes ingrained in our psyche and we associate the inner voice with whom we really are. I’ve written about my strained relationship with my father in earlier articles. I grew up in a home where my mother was a kind and compassionate woman, however my father’s strict disciplining meant I could never meet his expectations. Nothing I did was good enough for him because I could always do better.

Fast forward years later, I adopted this critical inner voice and would berate myself for not performing better. I took refuge in sporting activities and pushed myself to extremes, training for five hours or more which eventually took its toll. I wasn’t aware of the saboteur at the time because I thought I was being competitive and exploring my physical capabilities. It was only when I had enough of training this way, I realised the voice inside my head was not my own but the critical voice of my father. Naturally, I sought to prove it wrong, yet the voice was never satisfied because I could always do better. Can you identify with this narrative? Are you aware of how your inner critic plays out in your life?

The Inner Critic Is Not The Real You

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you. Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do. Even mistakes mean you’re trying.”—Susan Gale

We all have our unique stories on how our inner critic sabotages our life. I have come across hundreds of similar cases to mine in my coaching practice with clients. What’s interesting is that many of those who are successful are not aware the inner critic is a fictional character. They presume it is their natural drive that is responsible for their success. When they learn to distinguish the inner critic from the authentic self, they stop torturing themselves because there is no longer anything to prove. Are you getting the sense that being hard on yourself is working against you because we can achieve more when we are kind and compassionate with ourselves? There are numerous mental health professionals doing work in this area and I urge you to read the works of social researcher Brené Brown and Associate Professor, Kristin Neff. Both have produced brilliant work in the areas of vulnerability, inner critic and self-compassion with research and evidence to support their work.

In my case, I changed my inner dialogue when I reached the tipping point. The new self-talk I adopted seemed foreign at first because I was unfamiliar with being kind and compassionate with myself. The inner critic would remind me I was being weak, however I persisted in noticing the inner voice as it arose. The inner critic naturally fell away over time and I changed my life to foster more self-compassion, kindness and patience. It was what my inner child, the one my father had hijacked when I was young, was craving all along. I achieved more in my life and related to people more authentically instead of fostering disingenuous connections. The most important thing is that it felt safe being my authentic self. I never liked the inner critic but felt compelled to listen to it because it was the only voice I knew and I didn’t want to let it down. To be clear, it was my father I was afraid of letting down, not the inner critic. Have you experienced something similar like two voices competing for your attention? I figured the critical inner voice had got me this far in life, so why change it.

But the inner critic is not the real you, it is an invented persona adopted by those you trusted when you were young. To paint a simple analogy: A friend of mine who ate cereal for most of his life believed his tiredness and brain fog were normal. It wasn’t until he changed his diet to include whole foods that his brain fog and tiredness disappeared, along with improving his health. What I’m trying to say is: if we keep looking through a frosted window and believe the world is foggy, it becomes our only reference point. It is when we change our filter that we discover we had it all wrong. With this in mind, I’d like you to give attention to areas of your life where your inner critic is playing out. Does it make itself known in your: relationships, career, health, finances or other areas? What do you want to change about it? For example, you might be a perfectionist in your relationship with your partner which is holding you back from an honest connection. It is only when we stop being hard on ourselves that we change our external circumstances and learn to be comfortable with whom we really are. As the saying goes: “As within, so without.”

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The Next Chapter Of Your Life Begins With The One You’re Living Now

Something Of Benefit Also Comes With Its Problems

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”—Lao Tzu

Are you always looking to the next chapter of your life because you’re fed up with the one you’re living now? You wouldn’t be the only one since many people wait for things to improve because they are dissatisfied with the way things are. But how much of it is perception? Do things actually improve when life gets better? For example, those who win the lottery are worse off five to seven years later, according to statistics. Most of them squander their winnings and are in more debt than before they won the lottery. But how can this be? How can winning a large sum of money lead a person to be worse off than before? Financial experts believe they lack the financial skills to manage large sums of money and they spend frivolously because they are certain the money will not run out.

We may experience something similar if we believe getting what we want will make us happier. For instance, the two main problems people often face in coaching relate to finances and relationships. People are convinced when they have more money or a loving partner, their problems will vanish. Is this something you believe? I know I have. I wasn’t aware that getting what I want also means getting what I don’t want. What do I mean? There are two sides to a coin, meaning that something of benefit also comes with its problems. The key is to find balance and harmony in what we want and not over-complicate matters.

Therefore, attracting more money means having to give up something in order to earn it or learning to manage money more effectively. Similarly, having a fulfilling relationship has its downsides (which is favourable if you consider what you gain). That is, we must invest our time and energy to cultivate the relationship, otherwise our partner might not stay around for long. That is to say, when we are looking for a relationship, we are heavily invested in the process but we don’t realise how much time and energy is required to sustain it. This is a desirable quality because anything worth building requires two people to invest their time and energy to create a strong foundation. Some people are not aware of what it requires to maintain and build a relationship and so they stop contributing to it at some point. They divest their energy and the relationship falls apart. I once heard a relationship counsellor suggest that people stay parked in relationships which is why it eventually ends.

Be Invested In The Life You Have Now

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” — Seneca

If we wish for the next chapter of our life to arrive, we must be aware of the problems that go with it. If we are not ready for what life will bring, we will lose what we gain. That is why the title of this article reads: The Next Chapter Of Your Life Begins With The One You’re Living Now. What am I referring to? The life you’re living now is the one you created, whether consciously or unconsciously. You attracted the conditions and even though it may be full of challenges and setbacks, there may be a reason for it. So wishing away the pain and disappointment means wishing away the personal growth that accompanies it. Some might say: “Tony, why would I want to attract health problems and a lack of money?” I don’t know your particular situation but it is my experience people attract their life’s conditions on an unconscious level because they haven’t transformed their limiting beliefs with what they want. Does this make sense, insofar as your inner conflicts will make themselves visible in your reality until you reconcile them?

For example, if you unconsciously hold limiting beliefs of your unworthiness to attract a loving relationship, no matter how many dating sites you sign up to, you are bound to experience disappointment. I’m not suggesting everyone on dating sites will experience pain and heartache. There are many thousands of people who find a devoted partner every day because they are ready for it and have done the work to transform their limiting beliefs. Pain and disappointment can highlight areas of our life we must devote our attention to. It requires self-examination on why we are attracting those circumstances. For instance, a person with poor financial skills might attract unwanted financial conditions until they honour their self-worth. Perhaps they were brought up with a tough parent who criticised them. They may have adopted this belief which now shows up through their finances.

So what I’m trying to say is: until we recognise what is stopping us from attaining what we want, we will continue to attract undesirable conditions. We can change strategies and enlist the help of coaches, guides and mentors and some of it may work. However, if we are not committed to our personal growth, we will go back to our old ways eventually. It requires being invested in the life we have now. Your problems and challenges are the keys to your redemption. As the aphorism states: “The obstacle is the way.” It is showing the exit off the freeway so you may experience better living conditions. But the price you must pay is doing the work to remove any unconscious impediments that stand in your way. With this in mind, I’d like you to give some thought to areas of your life where you feel held back. Write in your journal or diary how you may be unconsciously sabotaging yourself. What is the trade-off? What do you get by living these unconscious beliefs? Perhaps you prefer to remain safe in your comfort zone? Every belief serves a purpose, even ones that limit our potential. Ultimately, if we are constantly expecting the next chapter of our life to arrive without living the one we have now, we will attract situations that are not for our highest good.

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