Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 20

Why Being Hard On Yourself Is Working Against You

You Will Never Be Good Enough

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”—Louise L. Hay

I want you to take an honest look at whether you are hard on yourself? I realise this has different implications for people, so let me define what I mean. For example, what is your inner dialogue when you make mistakes? Do you criticise yourself saying you could have done better? Are you aware of a critical inner voice where nothing you do is good enough? Do you strive for perfection? Are you paranoid about what others think of you? The list is endless, but it gives you an insight into whether your relationship with yourself is empowering or disempowering you. But how do we become this way? What causes us to be hard on ourselves in the first place?

Much of it relates to our childhood upbringing where we take on the narrative of our parents or main caregivers. For example, if you had a critical parent where nothing you did was good enough, you may have taken on this inner critic yourself. It becomes ingrained in our psyche and we associate the inner voice with whom we really are. I’ve written about my strained relationship with my father in earlier articles. I grew up in a home where my mother was a kind and compassionate woman, however my father’s strict disciplining meant I could never meet his expectations. Nothing I did was good enough for him because I could always do better.

Fast forward years later, I adopted this critical inner voice and would berate myself for not performing better. I took refuge in sporting activities and pushed myself to extremes, training for five hours or more which eventually took its toll. I wasn’t aware of the saboteur at the time because I thought I was being competitive and exploring my physical capabilities. It was only when I had enough of training this way, I realised the voice inside my head was not my own but the critical voice of my father. Naturally, I sought to prove it wrong, yet the voice was never satisfied because I could always do better. Can you identify with this narrative? Are you aware of how your inner critic plays out in your life?

The Inner Critic Is Not The Real You

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you. Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do. Even mistakes mean you’re trying.”—Susan Gale

We all have our unique stories on how our inner critic sabotages our life. I have come across hundreds of similar cases to mine in my coaching practice with clients. What’s interesting is that many of those who are successful are not aware the inner critic is a fictional character. They presume it is their natural drive that is responsible for their success. When they learn to distinguish the inner critic from the authentic self, they stop torturing themselves because there is no longer anything to prove. Are you getting the sense that being hard on yourself is working against you because we can achieve more when we are kind and compassionate with ourselves? There are numerous mental health professionals doing work in this area and I urge you to read the works of social researcher Brené Brown and Associate Professor, Kristin Neff. Both have produced brilliant work in the areas of vulnerability, inner critic and self-compassion with research and evidence to support their work.

In my case, I changed my inner dialogue when I reached the tipping point. The new self-talk I adopted seemed foreign at first because I was unfamiliar with being kind and compassionate with myself. The inner critic would remind me I was being weak, however I persisted in noticing the inner voice as it arose. The inner critic naturally fell away over time and I changed my life to foster more self-compassion, kindness and patience. It was what my inner child, the one my father had hijacked when I was young, was craving all along. I achieved more in my life and related to people more authentically instead of fostering disingenuous connections. The most important thing is that it felt safe being my authentic self. I never liked the inner critic but felt compelled to listen to it because it was the only voice I knew and I didn’t want to let it down. To be clear, it was my father I was afraid of letting down, not the inner critic. Have you experienced something similar like two voices competing for your attention? I figured the critical inner voice had got me this far in life, so why change it.

But the inner critic is not the real you, it is an invented persona adopted by those you trusted when you were young. To paint a simple analogy: A friend of mine who ate cereal for most of his life believed his tiredness and brain fog were normal. It wasn’t until he changed his diet to include whole foods that his brain fog and tiredness disappeared, along with improving his health. What I’m trying to say is: if we keep looking through a frosted window and believe the world is foggy, it becomes our only reference point. It is when we change our filter that we discover we had it all wrong. With this in mind, I’d like you to give attention to areas of your life where your inner critic is playing out. Does it make itself known in your: relationships, career, health, finances or other areas? What do you want to change about it? For example, you might be a perfectionist in your relationship with your partner which is holding you back from an honest connection. It is only when we stop being hard on ourselves that we change our external circumstances and learn to be comfortable with whom we really are. As the saying goes: “As within, so without.”

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The Next Chapter Of Your Life Begins With The One You’re Living Now

Something Of Benefit Also Comes With Its Problems

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”—Lao Tzu

Are you always looking to the next chapter of your life because you’re fed up with the one you’re living now? You wouldn’t be the only one since many people wait for things to improve because they are dissatisfied with the way things are. But how much of it is perception? Do things actually improve when life gets better? For example, those who win the lottery are worse off five to seven years later, according to statistics. Most of them squander their winnings and are in more debt than before they won the lottery. But how can this be? How can winning a large sum of money lead a person to be worse off than before? Financial experts believe they lack the financial skills to manage large sums of money and they spend frivolously because they are certain the money will not run out.

We may experience something similar if we believe getting what we want will make us happier. For instance, the two main problems people often face in coaching relate to finances and relationships. People are convinced when they have more money or a loving partner, their problems will vanish. Is this something you believe? I know I have. I wasn’t aware that getting what I want also means getting what I don’t want. What do I mean? There are two sides to a coin, meaning that something of benefit also comes with its problems. The key is to find balance and harmony in what we want and not over-complicate matters.

Therefore, attracting more money means having to give up something in order to earn it or learning to manage money more effectively. Similarly, having a fulfilling relationship has its downsides (which is favourable if you consider what you gain). That is, we must invest our time and energy to cultivate the relationship, otherwise our partner might not stay around for long. That is to say, when we are looking for a relationship, we are heavily invested in the process but we don’t realise how much time and energy is required to sustain it. This is a desirable quality because anything worth building requires two people to invest their time and energy to create a strong foundation. Some people are not aware of what it requires to maintain and build a relationship and so they stop contributing to it at some point. They divest their energy and the relationship falls apart. I once heard a relationship counsellor suggest that people stay parked in relationships which is why it eventually ends.

Be Invested In The Life You Have Now

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” — Seneca

If we wish for the next chapter of our life to arrive, we must be aware of the problems that go with it. If we are not ready for what life will bring, we will lose what we gain. That is why the title of this article reads: The Next Chapter Of Your Life Begins With The One You’re Living Now. What am I referring to? The life you’re living now is the one you created, whether consciously or unconsciously. You attracted the conditions and even though it may be full of challenges and setbacks, there may be a reason for it. So wishing away the pain and disappointment means wishing away the personal growth that accompanies it. Some might say: “Tony, why would I want to attract health problems and a lack of money?” I don’t know your particular situation but it is my experience people attract their life’s conditions on an unconscious level because they haven’t transformed their limiting beliefs with what they want. Does this make sense, insofar as your inner conflicts will make themselves visible in your reality until you reconcile them?

For example, if you unconsciously hold limiting beliefs of your unworthiness to attract a loving relationship, no matter how many dating sites you sign up to, you are bound to experience disappointment. I’m not suggesting everyone on dating sites will experience pain and heartache. There are many thousands of people who find a devoted partner every day because they are ready for it and have done the work to transform their limiting beliefs. Pain and disappointment can highlight areas of our life we must devote our attention to. It requires self-examination on why we are attracting those circumstances. For instance, a person with poor financial skills might attract unwanted financial conditions until they honour their self-worth. Perhaps they were brought up with a tough parent who criticised them. They may have adopted this belief which now shows up through their finances.

So what I’m trying to say is: until we recognise what is stopping us from attaining what we want, we will continue to attract undesirable conditions. We can change strategies and enlist the help of coaches, guides and mentors and some of it may work. However, if we are not committed to our personal growth, we will go back to our old ways eventually. It requires being invested in the life we have now. Your problems and challenges are the keys to your redemption. As the aphorism states: “The obstacle is the way.” It is showing the exit off the freeway so you may experience better living conditions. But the price you must pay is doing the work to remove any unconscious impediments that stand in your way. With this in mind, I’d like you to give some thought to areas of your life where you feel held back. Write in your journal or diary how you may be unconsciously sabotaging yourself. What is the trade-off? What do you get by living these unconscious beliefs? Perhaps you prefer to remain safe in your comfort zone? Every belief serves a purpose, even ones that limit our potential. Ultimately, if we are constantly expecting the next chapter of our life to arrive without living the one we have now, we will attract situations that are not for our highest good.

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Everyone Is Carrying A Heavy Burden We Know Nothing About

Foster Understanding And Kindness

“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” ― Brad Meltzer

I want you to do a simple exercise: close your eyes and think about an issue affecting you that few people know about. Consider the situation carefully and feel the emotions associated with it. Perhaps you feel sadness, anger or anxiety? Let’s take it a step further: think of someone close to you experiencing something similar. It might be a parent, a sibling, a relative or close friend. Try to get a sense of their pain and suffering. As you do this, move into your heart and feel compassion for them. Now, open your eyes and sit with the feelings you experienced. How do you feel? Did you experience a sense of oneness with the other person? A shared humility for life? The aim of this exercise is to understand that your suffering is the same as many other people endure.

We all face battles few people know little or nothing about. We all carrying a heavy burden in some form or another. Some carry it in the form of psychological pain while others carry emotional and physical pain. Some wounds are visible, while other are less noticeable. However, this does not subtract from the burden they endure daily. Therefore, we ought to be more compassionate with one another instead of giving people a piece of our mind. Life is not always smooth sailing and there are times when we are not our best. Someone may ignite our pain and we admonish them to remind them of our hurt. But let me say: that person too also carries a hurt of a different kind. Therefore, retaliating when you are in pain does little to heal each other and the world by and large.

Does this makes sense? I hope it is clear people seldom aim to hurt us maliciously. There is often a deep wound they are responding to, so we ought to be compassionate with them before responding in anger or haste. I’m not suggesting you become a door mat for others to walk over. But fighting fire with fire does little to foster understanding and kindness. It seems people are kinder to their pet animals than they are with themselves. I’ve coached hundreds of people over the years with inner conflicts who hold high expectations of themselves. When they fall short, they chastise themselves because they did not live up to the image of who they ought to be. When asked whether they treat their pet animals in the same way, they are loathed to contemplate it. Yet they treat themselves as second-rate citizens. Can you see the folly in this way of thinking?

We Are All Fragile In Those Tender Places

No need to load our thoughts with the weight of our shoes.” — André Breton

If we are unkind to ourselves because of a volatile inner critic, it is likely to show up in our interaction with others. But going to war with ourselves does little to heal our emotional wounds and we become that person that finds faults in others. Do you know these types of people I’m referring to? It seems nothing is good enough and they believe the world is a dangerous and unpredictable place. They like to tune in to news events and remind you how harsh the world is. But this is only a perception based on their subjective reality. Because for every bad news event there are people who are living passionate lives. There are people waking up grateful to be alive and surrounded by loved ones. There are people in third world countries happy to earn a basic living and serve their family and community.

The opposite of everything we believe is wrong with the world exists out there. We just haven’t attuned our awareness to it. If you were to travel the world for twelve months in search of positive experiences, it would change your life. What we give our attention to becomes our perception and model of reality. The reason we experience conflict with others, is because they have a different model of reality to ours. Therefore, we try to convince them our model is superior to theirs and conflict ensues. What if we were to agree there are multiple realities coexisting, based on our level of awareness? That is to say: the more you grow and develop, the greater your perception becomes. It is why people with an enhanced self-esteem rarely find fault in others because they know we are all fragile in those tender places. Highlighting another person’s weaknesses does little to strengthen our own character.

Are you beginning to get a sense that your perception creates the canvas of your life and interaction with others? Can you see that being in conflict with yourself means finding something to disagree with in another person? Can you also see that healing and transforming your wounds foremost is the basis for purposeful living? Knowing that everyone carries a heavy burden, reminds us to tend to our own needs first before we castigate them. With that in mind, I’d like you to give some thought to how you can be more compassionate in your interactions with those who offend you? You needn’t agree with everyone and those who are disagreeable can teach us something about ourselves. It doesn’t mean we need to go to war with them. We can still be civil and disagree on our outlook because we recognise our shared humanity. It is when we learn to heal and transform our pain that we view every interaction as a sacred space of healing and self-transformation.

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Why Strong Roots Help Us Withstand The Storms Of Life

None Are Immune To The Ravages Of Life

“For a tree to become tall it must grow tough roots among the rocks.”—Friedrich Nietzsche

Think of a current problem causing you distress. Imagine it as best you can without getting caught up in the details. Have you given any thought to why this experience is happening? I don’t mean the nit-picky details but the deeper lessons contained within the event? Perhaps you haven’t arrived at that point yet or you are still trying to make sense of it. Every experience, particularly the undesirable ones, come into our life to teach us valuable lessons and insights about ourselves. We may experience frustration and turmoil because the situation occupies attention in our mind, as we come to terms with it.

What do I mean by having strong roots to withstand the storms of life? It’s said, the tallest oak trees bury their roots deep into the ground to gather nutrients and stability from the external elements. Violent winds and Mother Nature can impose itself on the oak tree where it can topple over. We can take a leaf from Mother Nature (if you’ll pardon the pun) and create strong roots ourselves to weather the storms of life. None of us are immune to the ravages of life. There may be seasons where we experience joy and happiness and then suddenly we are neck deep in despair and tragedy. Life may seem unfair and unexplainable, when months earlier everything was going our way. Have you experienced this before? If so, what were your anchoring mechanisms to overcome it? What lessons or insights did you learn about yourself?

No Two Journeys Are The Same

“When you are up against a wall, put down roots like a tree, until clarity comes from deeper sources to see over that wall and grow.”—Carl Jung

Sometimes, we don’t understand the lessons until months or years later, so it’s difficult to make sense of what is taking place. Other times, the storms blow upon us with great intensity, wreaking havoc and destroying our lives. It may seem like a disruption to our lives where we feel uncertain about the future. It is my experience that trying to explain unfortunate events adds to our pain and misery. I often counsel clients to avoid looking for meaning to their misfortunes but to flip the coin and look for the lessons contained within the experience. Meaning is subjective and depending on our outlook, we may interpret the event negatively or positively. If you asked those close to you, they might have a different explanation of the event. Rather than explain why things happen, it is best to look for the lessons that cultivate our personal growth.

Are you comfortable with the idea that the storms of life needn’t damper our spirit, yet how we interpret it determines how we move forward? Sometimes, it may require revisiting lessons from the past to reinforce our understanding of an event. Sometimes, lessons reappear in different forms until we learn what we need to. It may be frustrating since there is no guide or teacher to tell us when the lesson will appear. We may have to revisit the same experience until we have enough and give up. However, in letting go we may finally learn what we need to. No two journeys are the same since we are all on different timelines, depending on our level of consciousness. For those who are awake and aware, they may realise the lessons sooner than those who are asleep. The more aware of what life is trying to teach us, the less pain and suffering we will endure.

With this in mind, I’d like you to return to the opening question in which I asked you about a current life problem causing you distress. After you finish reading this article, write a list of five lessons the experience is trying to teach you. You may find it difficult at first because your focus will be on the negative aspects of what is taking place. I invite you to push past it because it will help you release your resistance to what is taking place. Once you’ve written five lessons, sit on it for a day or two and place it somewhere you can see it, such as your bathroom medicine cabinet, bedroom mirror or fridge. Continue asking the following question over the coming days: “What does life want me to know about this experience?” Be attentive to what shows up in the form of: an impulse, a feeling, images, words or otherwise. Life communicates to us in familiar ways, so pay attention to your surroundings. It is when we create strong roots to withstand the storms of life, that we will learn what we need to about our life’s narrative.

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When You Let Go Of The Rules, Things Get Simpler

Life Changes At The Drop Of A Hat

“The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.” ― George Bernard Shaw

What rules do you live by? I’m not talking about those that govern what you eat or how you dress but something more meaningful. What rules dictate your life? For example, many people establish rules for how their life should be or not be. When things don’t turn out as planned, they feel like things are falling apart. Have you experienced something like this before? Equally, there are people that have rules about the person they should date or marry. We hear about this all the time where the person must have certain physical traits, earn a particular income or come from a specific demographic or ethnicity. However, rules don’t work all the time and some of them should be ignored, as George Bernard Shaw remarks in the title quote.

We can’t expect to live a purposeful life bound by rules. Some rules are set by loved ones from an early age and we take them on into adulthood. Other rules are established by us, in the face of adversity or hardship. Sometimes, we establish rules to protect us from getting hurt, regarding dating and relationships. We set boundaries on what we will accept or not accept in a person. But is this the way to live? Can we place boundaries and restrictions on ourselves and the way our life should develop? Whilst it’s normal to abide by values and beliefs, we must be careful to upgrade the rules we set for ourselves. As you know, life can change at the drop of a hat. This means who we were a decade ago is not the same person we are today. If we abide by the rules from that period, we are not living intentionally but following a script like a computer program.

It Is The Intention You Set

“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.”― Robert A. Heinlein

Does this make sense, insofar as it requires re-examining the rules we set in place as we mature throughout our life? When I was young, I had rules about the way my life should play out. How people should treat me, what type of work I would be doing and my relationship status. And guess what? None of it worked out for me. Why? Because life interceded and showed me otherwise. Life proved repeatedly that my rules were insignificant in my life’s narrative. Moreover, as my consciousness expanded my circumstances reflected this change. I liken it to white water rafting in a torrential river and determining how the journey will unfold before you set out. Suddenly, you are beseiged with uncompromising conditions and you realise your rules did not take this into account.

This is what happens to many people when they establish rules. Life shows up and proves their rules don’t hold up. Now, from the tone of this article you might get the impression I am against having rules. This is not the case, what I am advocating is being mindful whether our rules are working for us and changing them as we evolve. Rules, like beliefs, must change with our circumstances, otherwise they are no more useful than the money we play with in a Monopoly game. Unless you are five years old and believe that Monopoly money holds currency, rules have the same effect. They hold us back from living in alignment with our highest values and intentions. They restrict us from being engaged with life. Rules are as effective as the person who creates them. Behind every rule is a positive intention to move forward with joy and enthusiasm or succumb to fear and criticism. If we create rules from a place of fear, they will show up every time. So, if we have been hurt in earlier relationships and establish rules to protect us, we hold ourselves back from engaging in love and intimacy. We build barricades to protect us instead of healing and transforming our pain and disappointments. Are you with me so far? Are you beginning to see that while rules can be helpful, it is the intention you set that dictates whether your rules are serving you?

With this in mind, I’d like you to do a brief exercise. Write on a sheet of paper or in your Journal, at least five rules you live by. They can be related to any area of life whether it be: career, dating, finances, health or otherwise. Create two columns and in the left-hand column, title the header: “Rules I Live By.” Write your rules below. In the right-hand column, title the header: “Is This Working For Me Or Against Me?” Examine your five rules and decide whether or not they are working in your favour. How will you know? Look at the quality of your life. For example, are you in a happy, loving relationship? If not, go back to the rule you created for relationships and examine whether it is serving you. Go through the other rules and take an honest inventory of whether they are helping you or holding you back from living purposefully. Be careful in your evaluation not to apply a confirmation bias to make yourself feel better. Ultimately, when you let go of the rules, things not only get simpler but life will show you whether you’re living from a place of fear or a place of love.

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Why It’s Always Too Early To Quit

Don’t Approach Your Ambitions Half-Heartedly

“It’s always too early to quit.”—Norman Vincent Peale

The late American minister Norman Vincent Peale summed it up best in his book You Can If You Think You Can, writing a chapter titled: It’s Always Too Early To Quit. He was making the case for persisting instead of quitting ahead of time. Although the advice is relevant, it will depend on the circumstances we face. For example, if you are in a business losing money, it might be wise to quit and channel your energy into another venture. There are other options which may require pivoting the business in a different direction but with the same principles. Think about this in your own life. Are there areas where you want to give up? It might be related to: a relationship, career, family situation, education or something else?

Consider what you aim to achieve by quitting? Do you relieve yourself of the stress and burden associated with it? A business mentor I worked with some time ago used the following metaphor to explain our relationship to goals. He would say goals are like swimming in the open water from one land area to another. During the swim we will find ourselves at the midway point and far from the finish line. We cannot see our destination but know it is there. He said there are two options available to us: continue to swim toward our destination knowing we will eventually arrive or give up and swim back to our starting point. It is what many of us experience regularly with our goals. Even if we have not achieved success, it does not mean we are not making progress.

I’ve had a personal ambition to be an internationally acclaimed author and one day write a best-selling book. Whilst I’m yet to achieve it, I have accomplished other successes that represent milestones towards my goals. I wrote three books which were published independently, each of them with forewords written by internationally acclaimed authors. The point I wish to make is that progress is progress, no matter how slow we are working towards our goals. Success and achievement can sometimes fall into our lap when we least expect it. However, we must be in the arena working consistently and not rest on our laurels. We cannot approach our ambitions half-heartedly because the universe will deliver less than desirable outcomes. Consider this in your own life. Are their goals or projects you’ve been working on without signs of success? How does this affect your enthusiasm? Are you still passionate and committed to them?

Light The Fire Of Passion And Enthusiasm

“Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit.”—Napoleon Hill

I don’t intend to explain why quitting is the easy way out because sometimes quitting is the only way out. It will depend on the circumstances and what we set out to achieve. Personally, I have a burning desire to promote self-empowerment and help others awaken their highest potential, through writing and speaking. I am committed to my dream, irrespective of the obstacles and challenges I face. And yes, there have been many setbacks over the years. I’ve come close to quitting and the only thing that stopped me was a good night’s sleep. I’ve read countless books on those who endured similar challenges and succeeded. I’ve also read biographies of those who persisted and failed. The one true constant I can draw from my experience is that if you have an itch, you must scratch it until you are satisfied you have done your best. Until then, keep pursuing your goals until you realise them or can no longer take the pain.

How are you feeling about this? Are you getting a sense that your dreams and goals are not something to be taken lightly but pursued with passion and persistence? I don’t know the answer to whether or not you should quit. In fact, in my coaching sessions, I often tell clients I can help them push the needle as close to success as possible, but I cannot guarantee it, since there are many factors outside of our control. Besides, I wouldn’t want to make that promise and I would caution you to beware of those that do. For example, we cannot control the economy, nor life’s forces acting upon us. We cannot control whether we succumb to illness or other circumstances that derail our progress. What we can do, is to light the fire of passion and enthusiasm and make sure we show up to the task at hand. We can honour our best intentions, irrespective of the outcome. We show up diligently, knowing what we put our mind and heart to will transpire in the best way, or at the very least teach us valuable insights.

Quitting early relieves us of the ability to give ourselves wholeheartedly to our goals and dreams. It robs us of our fighting spirit because we learn to take the path of least resistance, instead of the one lined with courage, hope and persistence. Life is replete with setbacks, challenges and sometimes, suffering and denials. But this mustn’t stop us from pursuing what we are passionate about. Because if you truly want something, as the Brazilian author Paulo Coelho wrote in The Alchemist, the entire universe will conspire in helping you to achieve it. With that in mind, I invite you to consider areas of your life where you want to quit. How could you reframe your relationship with quitting? How can you develop greater resiliency and grit? It was Winston Churchill who once said: “Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.” Therefore, how can you stay inspired and intentional about your goals and ambitions? The key to your success lies in your intrinsic motivation and it is only when you answer that question, will you discover whether or not it is too early to quit.

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What Does It Mean To Love?

Love Does Not Diminish

“Love creates an “us” without destroying the “me.”—Leo Buscaglia

How do you define love or the experience of it? What is it like to experience yourself on an intimate level? I don’t mean physically but emotionally and spiritually? Some associate love with romantic feelings of butterflies in their stomach. They might talk about the sensations they feel when thinking about their beloved. But is love experienced through the mind, body or both? Is love a noun or a verb? How do we know if we have truly loved? What is the measure of having fully committed ourselves to love? I do not consider myself an expert on love nor a relationship coach. I am just as inquisitive as you are. What I know is: love demands nothing of us because it is an empty vessel to be filled. This is the analogy for life itself, where love is never wasted but recirculated.

Is love unconditional for you? Or does it come with requirements? What happens when those requirements are not met, do you withhold your love for another? Is it possible to withhold the essence of who we are? How can we stop water flowing in a river? You might say: build a damn. However, if the dam is not strong enough, the pressure of the water will find its way through or around it. You’ve no doubt seen tsunamis on TV where entire villages are engulfed by water. Water is a powerful metaphor for love because it can enrich a person’s life, yet it can also be destructive if it comes with conditions.

Do we need love in our lives? What does love offer us in return? Is it intimacy with ourselves or knowing others better? It was St Francis of Assisi who once said: “It is in giving that we receive.” He viewed love as something to be circulated in order to permeate our life and the lives of others. Love is like the Sun that gives of its energy and asks nothing in return because it is self-sustaining. The more we give love, the more of it we have. It begs the question: what happens when love is not reciprocated or the other person ceases to identify with love? If love is not returned, it does not diminish the other person’s capacity to give or receive it. The Sun goes down every evening and there is darkness for twelve hours. Yet, with the break of dawn, it re-emerges bringing energy to sustain life once more. It is a cycle sewn into the fabric of life and so it is with love.

Dare To Fully Express Love

“Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”—Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

When another person stops loving us, it does not mean we are unlovable. For you cannot stop the flow, it will naturally find expression in another form. Love is the antidote to fear, hatred and anger. It is the one true constant in our lives that is bestowed upon us from conception. We are born into love and leave this life knowing we will continue to love in the lifetimes that follow. The question is: have you dared to fully express love in this life? Have you given love freely and unconditionally? We ought to be like a sponge filled with water, totally wrung out when our time comes. We ought to fill our hearts with love and not withhold it for fear it won’t be reciprocated. Because every time we engage in love, it is magnified within every cell of our body. The more we give of ourselves, the more love expands within our hearts.

Knowing this, I invite you to contemplate your relationship with love over the coming days. Where are you withholding love in your life? How is this serving you? Does it bring a sense of safety, security or comfort? Are you willing to let down the barriers that impede the flow of love? Love needn’t be something expressed between two people but can reveal itself through our life’s purpose, our hobbies and our attitude. If you seek more love in your life, let go of the barriers that keep you safe from expressing it. See if you can find the place within you bursting with love and direct it towards something or someone. Love is a like bank account that compounds interest with each deposit made. Because if we truly want to know what it means to love, we must first experience it unreservedly while we have the chance.

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How to Stop Doubting Yourself (Even If Others Do)

It’s nagging at you again.

That thing you’ve been wanting to do. That thing that will bring you one step closer to a better you. A more courageous one. A happier one.

But you haven’t done that thing yet, because you’re not sure if you can.

You’d like a little support. Someone to give you that final push and say, “Yes, you can do it.”

So you reach out. But instead of cheerleaders, you get raised eyebrows, shrugs, and “I’m not sure if that’s the best idea”s.

You feel defeated before you’ve even begun. Even hurt. Now, you’re not sure if you should move forward at all.

But deep down, you still want to.

So how do you get over the little voice in your head that says everyone is right about you?

Step 1: Get Into Your Nay-Sayers’ Heads

People don’t doubt you because you’re incapable of achieving what you want.

People who doubt you can’t know what you’re capable of. Because doubt is not knowledge.

Doubt is a feeling.

When someone doubts you, they have a feeling about you. That feeling stems from one or more of the following:

They don’t know you.
They don’t understand you.
They don’t want you to succeed.
They struggle with the concept of faith.

Understanding why people doubt you is the first step to taking away their power over you.

Because you deserve to live a life that’s not based on how others feel about you.

They’re Shooting in the Dark

Sometimes, people who doubt you don’t know you. Hello, internet trolls. Nice to (not) meet you, friends of friends.

It’s tough to hear people aren’t happy with who you are or what you want to do, especially if they don’t know you. What gives them the right?

Well, freedom of speech.

People can have opinions about things they haven’t experienced personally. They can dislike car accidents without having been in one. Disapprove of bullying without having been bullied. Support love without having found it themselves.

It’s easier to understand some opinions more than others. Strangers’ negative opinions are harder.

In any case, you must permit those opinions to exist. But you can’t permit them to define you.

They Don’t Get You

Think about your doubters’ backgrounds. Do they come from where you do? Share the same dreams? Have the same fears?

Probably not.

Your doubters are like everyone else; they’re different from you. Sometimes, differences lead to a lack of understanding.

People don’t always support things they don’t understand. That’s life.

And if you want to lead an extraordinary one, you will face people who don’t get you. More than most will ever have to face.

The key is to keep your eyes open, even if you don’t always like what you see. Because you can’t lose sight of your goal.

They Want to Clip Your Wings

Sometimes, people suggest they doubt you to advance their own interests — even when they don’t doubt you at all.

Some people aren’t where they want to be. Maybe their inhibitions have held them back. Maybe they’ve taken action, but they’re still at Ground 0. And they want you to stay on the ground with them.

Just like misery, feelings of inadequacy love company. Sometimes people will imply you’re inadequate to feel like they’re not alone. Or, worse — to feel they’re “better” than you.

But you’re better than that. The first step is to believe you are.

They Can’t Keep the Faith

It’s tough for some people to have faith in things — God, everlasting love, you.

Faith is not certainty. It’s often far from it. And it’s tough for some people to bridge the gap. That’s entirely okay.

Some people can’t have faith in you until you’ve achieved your goal. Because that’s certainty.

You don’t have that luxury. You must have faith in what you can do before you do it. Even if you’ve failed before, and even if the people in your life have watched.

As Benjamin Franklin famously said,

“[I]n this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”

Certainty isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Step 2: Cast Nay-Sayers Out of Your Kingdom

People can doubt you for all kinds of reasons — most of which have nothing to do with you.

Nevertheless, doubters don’t belong in the kingdom you’re building for yourself.

So here’s how to handle each doubter you may encounter:

Don’t Take Candy (or Criticism) From Strangers

Don’t let people who don’t know you tell you who you are. They have no idea.

If strangers must express their opinions about you to friends, in forums, whatever — let them.

But don’t start a war over what strangers think of you.

Instead, focus on what you think of yourself. Invest less in those who doubt you and more in yourself. The more you do that, the more you’ll achieve.

Ironically, there’s no better way to prove strangers wrong.

Don’t Seek to Be Understood by Everyone

There’s no greater feeling than feeling understood. But we aren’t always.

Some of the greatest visionaries of all time were misunderstood. Had they focused on that instead of their dream, their vision may have become blurred.

So don’t worry too much about those who don’t understand you. Keep your vision sharp.

And, should you have people who understand you, keep them in your corner.

There’s no better (constructive) critic than a person who understands you. That’s why the pianist consults her teacher before a performance; the winemaker pours his wine into the sommelier’s glass; and the athlete consults her coach before a game.

Critique is a good thing when it comes from those who understand you — from those who support your dream.

Commit to Flying High

People sometimes say they doubt you to hold you back.

If you feel someone like this is in your life, it’s natural to feel angry. Hurt. Even betrayed. It’s toughest if you trusted that person’s judgment, only to realize he or she didn’t have your best interests at heart.

But it’s best to not take this personally. Often, people who express doubt don’t realize they’re trying to hold you back. Even if they do, your energy is best spent elsewhere.

Feel free to constructively express your thoughts to the person who hurt you, but don’t linger. You’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Learn What Your Rear-View Mirror Is Meant For

Your rear-view mirror is there for a reason: so you can look back.

Look back too much, and you’ll crash. But look back too little, and you’ll forget where you came from. You’ll forget who you left behind: those who lacked faith in you.

To forget would be a shame. Because you’d forget how much you overcame.

Learning to trust yourself to overcome obstacles is a sure-fire way to courage. It’s essential to achieving your dreams.

Doubters will always be on the road. You’ll see them in your rear-view mirror, and ultimately on the road ahead. You must know you can face them in order to keep driving.

3: Get After It

You’ve said nay to the nay-sayers. Now it’s time to go after what you want.

Take Ownership of Your Emotions (and Realize You Don’t Own Anyone Else’s)

You’re about to do something courageous: go after what you want, come hell or high water.

You’re allowed to be afraid. You’re allowed to feel nervous. You’re allowed to wonder if you’ll crash and burn. Your emotions are yours.

But allow your emotions to consume you, and doubt will rear its ugly head. It’ll put you right back where it thinks you belong.

To keep your emotions at bay, remember: doubt is an emotional reaction to something that hasn’t happened. So put it back where it belongs: in your rear-view mirror, with all the doubters.

As far as other peoples’ emotions go? You can’t control them. You must let them go, because you never had them to begin with.

You also can’t let others’ emotions — especially doubt — control you. It’s okay to want validation from others, but it’s not okay to need it. Validation needs to come from within.

Put Your Oars in the Water

Jane Fonda said it best:

“To live a really good life, you have to live intentionally. You can’t just be like a leaf in a river sort of going wherever the current takes you. You have to put oars in the water. Where do I want to go?”

So put ’em in the water.

Remember Your Mindset Drives the Result

How do you define success?

It’s tempting to define it as achieving your goal. But, as many high-achieving people know, you don’t always reach your goal on the first try. Or on the first several tries.

Consider defining success as the ability to take charge and go after what you want. To know that you can handle setbacks along the way. Because that’s an achievement in and of itself.

Be Damn Proud

Not everyone can face fear head-on.

Oliver Wendell Holmes once said,

“Alas for those that never sing, But die with all their music in them!”

Not everyone can hop onto life’s stage, face an audience, and belt it out. So be proud that you’ve set out to do just that.

Will everyone like your song? Of course not.

But you’ll get to sing.

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Play to Win — Because One Day, You Will

Everyone deserves a cheerleader. But sometimes, the sidelines are devoid of them.

Instead, the sidelines are lined with people who think you’ll lose. Some quietly watching, some shouting. Some shouting so loud that it reaches your ears on the field.

But the crowd can’t change the rules of the game.

You know how to bring it back to the basics now. To tell the nay-sayers to pipe down. To tell the little voice in your head that believes them, “Wait a second. Have you seen me play?”

Because you’re about to play the game of your life.

So take the first step. And then the next. And then the next. Celebrate each one you take, and don’t let the stumbles hold you back.

Because those steps will lead you to the end of the game. And you may damn well win it.

If you don’t?

Play again, or play a different game. The world isn’t short on opportunity.

Keep showing up, and one day, you’ll win.

Originally published on MyBoldLife.com and republished with permission.

The post How to Stop Doubting Yourself (Even If Others Do) appeared first on Tony Fahkry.

The Only Way Out Of Judgement Is Through The Power Of Gratitude

Judgement And Gratitude Are Opposing Forces

“The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.” ― Henry Ward Beecher

Did you know that judgement impairs our ability to identify what is really taking place in a situation? We may not have the full details and are likely to judge something based on limited information. We tend to distance ourselves through our judgements and become disillusioned with what we find. For example, it is easier to judge another person than to know them on a deeper level. This is because it requires a commitment to invest ourselves and we might be disappointed if the other person does not reciprocate. Therefore, judgement keeps us safe because we transfer our feelings of fear, shame and guilt onto others to make ourselves feel better. This comes at a cost of alienating ourselves instead of building stronger connections.

The way out of judgement is through the power of gratitude, which helps us see things through a different lens. Gratitude opens the door to our hearts and helps us consider things from a different perspective. It softens us in places where we were rigid. A heart filled with gratitude is unlike a heart filled with judgement, fear and anger. In fact, the heart does not harbour these emotions as much as the mind does through its ego attachment. Consequently, judgement and gratitude are opposing forces. One is the realm of the ego and the other is expressed through authentic goodness and compassion. Have you experienced something similar in your own life? Perhaps you judged another person wrongly and realised later there was more to the person than meets the eye? It is common to react this way and psychologist say it is attributed to an evolutionary role within our brains that screens for negativity.

Be More Tolerant And Grateful Of Others

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

But how can we overcome our judgement to perceive things more clearly? Surely, judgement hinders our experience of life? The key to recognising our judgement lies in being mindful of our thoughts. I often tell coaching clients when they notice themselves judging, to stop and ask a simple question: “What am I not seeing in this situation?” This helps us notice where we are blinded by our bias and unable to see the truth. It is my experience that judgement occurs mainly in our interaction with people. We are unaware of other people’s motives and agendas because we bring our own distorted thinking to the process. Most times, we prefer to be right than wrong, even if it means upholding erroneous thoughts.

This was evident with the disgraced seven time Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong who convinced himself and others he did not cheat. He went to great lengths to dismiss his use of illegal performance-enhancing substances. In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, he said that his lies were so convincing they eventually become truth. This example shows the complexity of human beings where a lie can be believed with such conviction that it becomes our truth. But as you know, upholding a lie is harder than speaking the truth. In contrast, the power of gratitude allows us to shift our attention to the truth, even if it means our feelings will be hurt. Gratitude helps us become aware of opportunities, even if we have to look hard, there is always something to appreciate. Gratitude flips the switch from fear and judgement to compassion and understanding. It is the bridge whereupon friendships and tolerance is born.

To cross the bridge from judgement to gratitude requires openness and awareness. The openness to trust we don’t completely understand what is taking place. The awareness that we are judging something to appease ourselves or minimise another’s self-worth. Through an expanded awareness, we recognise our habituated thoughts patterns and are able to break the cycle. We move from the egoic need to judge something or someone and into our hearts where all possibilities exist. We learn to be more tolerant and grateful of others instead of believing in a fabricated lie. The more we understand something, the more tolerant we become of ourselves and others. Tolerance leads to forgiveness and empathy which are the seeds of soulful living.

With that in mind, I’d like you to consider a current situation in which you have judged something or someone unfairly. How could you see things differently and appreciate what is taking place behind the scenes? What action could you take to come from a place of gratitude and compassion instead of judgement and fear? Sometimes, the smallest action requires making eye contact with another person. Notice the difference in your body and how you feel when you move into your heart instead of your head? It is only when we let go of judgement that the power of gratitude opens the door to our heart and brings the awareness to see things exactly as they are.

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Don’t Get Stuck On The One Thing That Ruins Your Day

The Futility Of Holding On To Negative Emotions

“One small positive thought can change your whole day.”—Zig Ziglar

Do a mental exercise with me: Think of a recent situation that ruined your day? Perhaps you received a message from someone and suddenly you were caught up in negativity? The list of things that can get us stuck in the mental muck is quite lengthy, yes? Things happen and we tend to carry the energy throughout our day. But it doesn’t have to be this way because we can process negative events and allow them to move through us. I realise it may be difficult to do at first but with practice, you can avoid ruminating on situations that spoil your day. I speak from experience as someone accustomed to holding on to negative emotions for hours. I discovered it was futile being immersed in negativity when it takes an emotion two a half minutes to move through our nervous system, according to neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor.

Think about that for a moment. It takes the time to brush your teeth for an emotion to move through your nervous system, yet many of us hold on to them for longer than necessary. We replay the memory of the event time after time and it ruins our life because we are not present but caught up in our minds. We are not truly living but trapped in the past. Can you relate to this where you found it difficult to let go of incessant negative thoughts? It is normal to make sense of negative events, yet sometimes we must avoid looking for meaning. For example, I would ruminate about a negative experience for hours, trying to figure its meaning. However, I was only processing thoughts in an attempt to ascribe meaning to something that wasn’t there.

It involves recognising the futility of holding on to negative emotions. They were impacting my day and my interaction with others. One negative thought at the beginning of your day is like a plant that grows branches deep into the soil. Soon enough, it is sprouting roots and growing at a rate impossible to stop. This is the analogy to what takes place when we become fixated on negative thoughts. Through our neural structures in the brain, they gain a foothold in our mind and turn into negative emotional states within our body. Emotions are not meant to be stored in the body but intended to move through it.

Don’t Miss Out On Life Bearing Its Gifts

“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.”—Winston Churchill

Is this something you’re willing to practise? Will you allow a negative situation to move through you instead of getting stuck on the one thing that can ruin your day? Your answer will dictate whether you remain trapped in your thoughts or allow life to move through you. This is a key point: Life is constantly happening on a moment to moment basis. Even our thoughts is life materialising through us and if we are fixated on one thought over another, we stop the flow of life which becomes stagnant. We ought to let go of processing circumstances by experiencing the event and letting it go. It reminds me of the story attributed to the Buddha in which he spoke of anger being akin to holding a hot coal in your hands. Your initial reflex is to drop the coal because it is too hot. The same applies to our thoughts. As unwanted thoughts enter our stream of consciousness, we release them instead of clutching to them.

I never said it was easy, but with practice and persistence you can let go of negative thoughts as quickly as they enter your mind. I recall an experience last year which involved a minor altercation with a motorist. There was an exchange of words between us that lasted a few seconds. After the event, I was able to return to a state of peace within seconds. In fact, I was laughing at the absurdity of what took place. In previous years, I would have ruminated on it for hours, perhaps days. Through my practice of mindfulness and meditation, I now appreciate thoughts come and go from our minds like ocean tides. To associate with all of them is a waste of time because we miss out on other enriching thoughts and experiences simultaneously taking place.

Life continues to stream through the tiny pockets of moments intertwined throughout our day. If we process thoughts based on what took place hours ago, we miss out on life bearing its gifts in the present moment. So, over the coming week try to be mindful of those thoughts you tend to fixate on. Stop and ask yourself: “Am I dwelling on fear?” If the answer is yes, drop the negative thought and shift your attention to what is happening in the present moment. Avoid distracting yourself by scrolling through your phone since that only delays dealing with your emotions. Be more present and aware of what you are holding in the container of your heart and mind. If it is not useful, let it go. After all, don’t get stuck on the one thing that ruins your day because it may be the very thing that holds you back from true bliss and alignment.

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