Tony Fahkry's Blog - Posts Tagged "self-esteem"
Rejection Is Not About You
“Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” - Don Miguel Ruiz
Reconcile With Your Self-Esteem
Your heart throbs rapidly, appearing to grow faster by the minute. In a matter of seconds the uncomfortable sensation to flee your body has taken hold. The rejection coursing through you is now palpable; a dull piercing pain in the pit of your stomach which quickly rises into your chest.
Rejection is an all too common experience many cross paths with. Notwithstanding the emotional trauma, rejection can teach us vital life lessons if we are willing to heed its call. Rejection strikes at the heart of one’s self-esteem. Our fight or flight system is activated within seconds, while the brain struggles to make sense of the situation.
Whilst I have titled this article rejection is not about you, one would be forgiven for thinking otherwise when caught up in the ensuing emotions. However, in owing to the theme rejection is rarely about you and more in keeping with the person offering the rejection.
Rejection is not intended to crush your self-esteem, since the other person rarely has a complete picture of who you really are.
As we wrestle our inner battles, seldom do we consider the feelings of others. Each of us is managing their own inner demons, which is a substantial task of its own. To be mindful of other people’s feelings as well as our own can be stifling, since we have a limited understanding of what lies beneath the surface of others. What you see is not what you get as it relates to one’s emotional constitution.
In order to deal with rejection in a healthy way, it is vital that we acquire a degree of emotional intelligence. If handled with care, rejection may be reframed within an enlightened context. This does not underscore the underlying feelings which abound from being rejected. How you DEAL with rejection should be your primary motivation, since if left untreated it can embitter one’s emotional wellbeing in countless ways.
A unique approach for dealing with rejection is to consider it a process of putting yourself out there, i.e. dating, job opportunities, sporting competition, music performance, etc.
Many people regrettably turn rejection inward via a contracting self-worth. In many instances, rejection triggers unresolved childhood traumas which have not been adequately confronted. Turning the rejection inward, the recipient lays blame on oneself, believing they are lacking in some way.
Invariably the person takes to dissecting their flaws and insecurities, rather than evaluate the rejection as an opportunity to move forward.
Let me be clear – rejection is not your fault. Those who are not rejected are either lying in a coffin underground or sitting at home watching the evening news as armchair critics. Our focus is to accept rejection in light of forward progress, thus creating an empowering inner dialogue.
Transform Your Inner Dialogue
Reframing rejection does not deny you of your feelings. It reasons that you transform those feelings into useful and empowering states. Rather than dwell on the rejection by ascribing it to your self-esteem, you choose to see it as part of the process of exposing yourself to new opportunities. Viewed in this context, not only do you encourage a healthy mental focus, you consent to the ensuing emotions of rejection to pass through you instead of holding on to them.
Rejection can gnaw itself within the mind and body by creating unhealthy emotions if left untreated. The tendency to be victimised and turn the rejection on oneself, lies at the heart of why rejection needs to be attended to rather than left to heal on its own.
“Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.” – Harvey Mackay
The following points are prompts to help you steer your way through rejection.
1. Oftentimes rejection is simply a way of communicating, “No thanks, this is not for me right now.” Rejection pertains to the choices of the other person. They are tending to their own needs and desires first, rather than cause others emotional distress.
2. Ask yourself the following questions to help you deal with the thoughts and feelings which accompany rejection:
“How can I turn this rejection into an empowering state?”
“Am I really being rejected or am I self-imposing unresolved emotions?”
“Who do I need to become to be more valuable to others?”
“Why do I feel hurt by these feelings of rejection?
“Is there something else beneath the surface that I must attend to?”
3. There is an aphorism that states no one can reject you unless you give them the power to do so. Therefore the only dependable way of handling rejection is to REFRAME it. Regrettably despite people’s best intentions, the use of positive thinking is of little value since it creates a DETOUR for your thoughts. You are negating thoughts associated with rejection by masking them with positive thinking. We all know that what you resist – persists.
4. Assess the rejection as an opportunity to look deep within yourself. Sometimes rejection can be a hidden blessing re-routing you to a new and better opportunity. Don’t wallow in self-pity for too long – pick up your bootstraps and continue ahead.
In closing, rejection is inevitable if we are to live a rich and authentic life. When we put ourselves on the line, rejection is an inevitable event which helps us identify our true wants and needs.
Rejection serves to remind us that at a deeper level, no one has the authority to reject us if we don’t give them power to do so.
Reconcile With Your Self-Esteem
Your heart throbs rapidly, appearing to grow faster by the minute. In a matter of seconds the uncomfortable sensation to flee your body has taken hold. The rejection coursing through you is now palpable; a dull piercing pain in the pit of your stomach which quickly rises into your chest.
Rejection is an all too common experience many cross paths with. Notwithstanding the emotional trauma, rejection can teach us vital life lessons if we are willing to heed its call. Rejection strikes at the heart of one’s self-esteem. Our fight or flight system is activated within seconds, while the brain struggles to make sense of the situation.
Whilst I have titled this article rejection is not about you, one would be forgiven for thinking otherwise when caught up in the ensuing emotions. However, in owing to the theme rejection is rarely about you and more in keeping with the person offering the rejection.
Rejection is not intended to crush your self-esteem, since the other person rarely has a complete picture of who you really are.
As we wrestle our inner battles, seldom do we consider the feelings of others. Each of us is managing their own inner demons, which is a substantial task of its own. To be mindful of other people’s feelings as well as our own can be stifling, since we have a limited understanding of what lies beneath the surface of others. What you see is not what you get as it relates to one’s emotional constitution.
In order to deal with rejection in a healthy way, it is vital that we acquire a degree of emotional intelligence. If handled with care, rejection may be reframed within an enlightened context. This does not underscore the underlying feelings which abound from being rejected. How you DEAL with rejection should be your primary motivation, since if left untreated it can embitter one’s emotional wellbeing in countless ways.
A unique approach for dealing with rejection is to consider it a process of putting yourself out there, i.e. dating, job opportunities, sporting competition, music performance, etc.
Many people regrettably turn rejection inward via a contracting self-worth. In many instances, rejection triggers unresolved childhood traumas which have not been adequately confronted. Turning the rejection inward, the recipient lays blame on oneself, believing they are lacking in some way.
Invariably the person takes to dissecting their flaws and insecurities, rather than evaluate the rejection as an opportunity to move forward.
Let me be clear – rejection is not your fault. Those who are not rejected are either lying in a coffin underground or sitting at home watching the evening news as armchair critics. Our focus is to accept rejection in light of forward progress, thus creating an empowering inner dialogue.
Transform Your Inner Dialogue
Reframing rejection does not deny you of your feelings. It reasons that you transform those feelings into useful and empowering states. Rather than dwell on the rejection by ascribing it to your self-esteem, you choose to see it as part of the process of exposing yourself to new opportunities. Viewed in this context, not only do you encourage a healthy mental focus, you consent to the ensuing emotions of rejection to pass through you instead of holding on to them.
Rejection can gnaw itself within the mind and body by creating unhealthy emotions if left untreated. The tendency to be victimised and turn the rejection on oneself, lies at the heart of why rejection needs to be attended to rather than left to heal on its own.
“Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.” – Harvey Mackay
The following points are prompts to help you steer your way through rejection.
1. Oftentimes rejection is simply a way of communicating, “No thanks, this is not for me right now.” Rejection pertains to the choices of the other person. They are tending to their own needs and desires first, rather than cause others emotional distress.
2. Ask yourself the following questions to help you deal with the thoughts and feelings which accompany rejection:
“How can I turn this rejection into an empowering state?”
“Am I really being rejected or am I self-imposing unresolved emotions?”
“Who do I need to become to be more valuable to others?”
“Why do I feel hurt by these feelings of rejection?
“Is there something else beneath the surface that I must attend to?”
3. There is an aphorism that states no one can reject you unless you give them the power to do so. Therefore the only dependable way of handling rejection is to REFRAME it. Regrettably despite people’s best intentions, the use of positive thinking is of little value since it creates a DETOUR for your thoughts. You are negating thoughts associated with rejection by masking them with positive thinking. We all know that what you resist – persists.
4. Assess the rejection as an opportunity to look deep within yourself. Sometimes rejection can be a hidden blessing re-routing you to a new and better opportunity. Don’t wallow in self-pity for too long – pick up your bootstraps and continue ahead.
In closing, rejection is inevitable if we are to live a rich and authentic life. When we put ourselves on the line, rejection is an inevitable event which helps us identify our true wants and needs.
Rejection serves to remind us that at a deeper level, no one has the authority to reject us if we don’t give them power to do so.
How to Live Life to the Fullest
“Man.
Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.” - The 14th Dalai Lama
I wish to draw your attention to a line from the Dalai Lama’s opening quote, “…he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”
What does it mean for you to live life to the fullest? What does life look like at this level?
I wish to offer my account to these questions in the coming paragraphs, while introducing four principles I trust will serve you well to connect with this ideal.
Upon first impressions, living life to the fullest invokes sentiments of travelling the world, while bathing in the beauty of life, experiencing deep and meaningful relationships, financial success and sustained health & wellbeing. Well at least that’s the image summoned up in my mind.
Notwithstanding the aforementioned, how do you know if you are living your life to the fullest? Is there a measure of progress which defines our trajectory? Moreover, if I were to survey one hundred people, I’m certain there would be varied opinions on what constitutes a deep and meaningful life.
For that reason it might be considered inconsequential how you live your life in light of other people’s definitions. A family friend often reminds me, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”
In keeping with this tenet, let us examine four principles which I believe form the foundation for living a rich and rewarding life.
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” - Helen Keller, The Open Door
Honour Yourself: Echoed in the quote by author Neil Gaiman, “...wherever you go, you take yourself with you…” raises our awareness that running away from our problems is not sustainable, since our problems are bound to catch up with us in the end.
Your relationship to others is governed by your level of self respect. Why? Consider for a moment a person’s interaction with others in light of a contracted self-worth. Their view of reality is defined by a distorted sense of self, represented by the unconscious belief: “I don’t respect myself; I don’t expect anyone to respect me and I will not respect others as a result.”
Therefore, as you honour yourself you accept people for who they are instead of whom you’d like them to be.
Honouring yourself entails complete acceptance of your insecurities, weaknesses and fears. It entails complete recognition of your wholeness, despite the mental façade which instructs you otherwise.
Here’s an insight - No one is perfect, even the Dalai Lama is prone to moments of anger. And yet he does not define himself as an angry person, since this is merely a fleeting emotion. If we allow an angry state to consume us, we eventually lose sight of our completeness. Honour your deepest nature which is vested in pure awareness, by refusing to define yourself via disempowering emotional states.
Live A Healthy Life: How are you able to recognise happiness when you are angry, irritable or sad? The mind will express any physical limitations held in the body and vice versa. This serves as your anchor point, alternatively known as subjective reality.
Have you noticed how some people often lament how sick and unwell they are? They strongly identify with their illness as a badge of honour, seeking constant sympathy to validate their suffering.
We are all prone to physical breakdowns eventually, since we inhabit a human form which is subject to ageing. However that does not necessitate accelerating the ageing process by focussing on your ailments. Let go of your need to identify with your complaints. This is not who you are.
It is your obligation to tend to your physical body in a dutiful manner. Nurture it daily. Don’t treat your body as you would a machine - that is neglect it, feed it poor nutrients and expect it to serve you like a master. You deserve better than that. Be kind to yourself by allowing the goodness of life to flow through you.
Face Your Fears: When you are consumed by fear, you remain captive to the emotion. Fear impedes your success and potential. It inhibits you from growing and evolving. It is wired into man’s DNA to thrive and prosper.
Remaining a prisoner to toxic emotions serves no place in your life other than to keep you trapped. I called this state, remaining Parked in my book, The Power to Navigate Life. The metaphysical relationship of being stagnant and stuck in comparison to Navigating Life.
Despite people’s beliefs, the opposite of fear is not courage - it is love. Love is the highest functioning order within the universe. Therefore fear becomes an illusion which is overcome with a loving and compassionate heart.
Face your fears by starting small. You don’t have to go up against it like a Samurai waging battle. Begin by overcoming smaller, less frightening fears until you find the courage to advance to bigger ones. Your reward is a life enriched with passion and purpose.
Learn From Your Mistakes: Learning from your mistakes involves drawing valuable lessons from your experiences. You begin to attract that which you need to further expand your personal evolution.
The following quote from Andrew Matthew’s book, Follow Your Heart: Finding Purpose In Your Life and Work is a testament to our willingness to learn and prosper from our experiences, “We are each a cause. Our thoughts attract and create circumstances. As we change, we attract different circumstances. Until we learn a lesson, we either stay stuck on the same lesson, or keep getting the same lesson in different packages.”
In a similar vein, Tony Robbins invites us to reframe ‘failure’ as undesired outcomes rather than dwell on our misfortunes. As you embrace this way of thinking, you transcend your limitations by viewing them from a higher perspective.
As you embrace the lessons, success is bound to greet you on the next occasion. Invariably, it may require numerous attempts to achieve success but that is irrelevant, since the thrill of the experience far outweighs the pain of regret.
Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.” - The 14th Dalai Lama
I wish to draw your attention to a line from the Dalai Lama’s opening quote, “…he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”
What does it mean for you to live life to the fullest? What does life look like at this level?
I wish to offer my account to these questions in the coming paragraphs, while introducing four principles I trust will serve you well to connect with this ideal.
Upon first impressions, living life to the fullest invokes sentiments of travelling the world, while bathing in the beauty of life, experiencing deep and meaningful relationships, financial success and sustained health & wellbeing. Well at least that’s the image summoned up in my mind.
Notwithstanding the aforementioned, how do you know if you are living your life to the fullest? Is there a measure of progress which defines our trajectory? Moreover, if I were to survey one hundred people, I’m certain there would be varied opinions on what constitutes a deep and meaningful life.
For that reason it might be considered inconsequential how you live your life in light of other people’s definitions. A family friend often reminds me, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”
In keeping with this tenet, let us examine four principles which I believe form the foundation for living a rich and rewarding life.
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” - Helen Keller, The Open Door
Honour Yourself: Echoed in the quote by author Neil Gaiman, “...wherever you go, you take yourself with you…” raises our awareness that running away from our problems is not sustainable, since our problems are bound to catch up with us in the end.
Your relationship to others is governed by your level of self respect. Why? Consider for a moment a person’s interaction with others in light of a contracted self-worth. Their view of reality is defined by a distorted sense of self, represented by the unconscious belief: “I don’t respect myself; I don’t expect anyone to respect me and I will not respect others as a result.”
Therefore, as you honour yourself you accept people for who they are instead of whom you’d like them to be.
Honouring yourself entails complete acceptance of your insecurities, weaknesses and fears. It entails complete recognition of your wholeness, despite the mental façade which instructs you otherwise.
Here’s an insight - No one is perfect, even the Dalai Lama is prone to moments of anger. And yet he does not define himself as an angry person, since this is merely a fleeting emotion. If we allow an angry state to consume us, we eventually lose sight of our completeness. Honour your deepest nature which is vested in pure awareness, by refusing to define yourself via disempowering emotional states.
Live A Healthy Life: How are you able to recognise happiness when you are angry, irritable or sad? The mind will express any physical limitations held in the body and vice versa. This serves as your anchor point, alternatively known as subjective reality.
Have you noticed how some people often lament how sick and unwell they are? They strongly identify with their illness as a badge of honour, seeking constant sympathy to validate their suffering.
We are all prone to physical breakdowns eventually, since we inhabit a human form which is subject to ageing. However that does not necessitate accelerating the ageing process by focussing on your ailments. Let go of your need to identify with your complaints. This is not who you are.
It is your obligation to tend to your physical body in a dutiful manner. Nurture it daily. Don’t treat your body as you would a machine - that is neglect it, feed it poor nutrients and expect it to serve you like a master. You deserve better than that. Be kind to yourself by allowing the goodness of life to flow through you.
Face Your Fears: When you are consumed by fear, you remain captive to the emotion. Fear impedes your success and potential. It inhibits you from growing and evolving. It is wired into man’s DNA to thrive and prosper.
Remaining a prisoner to toxic emotions serves no place in your life other than to keep you trapped. I called this state, remaining Parked in my book, The Power to Navigate Life. The metaphysical relationship of being stagnant and stuck in comparison to Navigating Life.
Despite people’s beliefs, the opposite of fear is not courage - it is love. Love is the highest functioning order within the universe. Therefore fear becomes an illusion which is overcome with a loving and compassionate heart.
Face your fears by starting small. You don’t have to go up against it like a Samurai waging battle. Begin by overcoming smaller, less frightening fears until you find the courage to advance to bigger ones. Your reward is a life enriched with passion and purpose.
Learn From Your Mistakes: Learning from your mistakes involves drawing valuable lessons from your experiences. You begin to attract that which you need to further expand your personal evolution.
The following quote from Andrew Matthew’s book, Follow Your Heart: Finding Purpose In Your Life and Work is a testament to our willingness to learn and prosper from our experiences, “We are each a cause. Our thoughts attract and create circumstances. As we change, we attract different circumstances. Until we learn a lesson, we either stay stuck on the same lesson, or keep getting the same lesson in different packages.”
In a similar vein, Tony Robbins invites us to reframe ‘failure’ as undesired outcomes rather than dwell on our misfortunes. As you embrace this way of thinking, you transcend your limitations by viewing them from a higher perspective.
As you embrace the lessons, success is bound to greet you on the next occasion. Invariably, it may require numerous attempts to achieve success but that is irrelevant, since the thrill of the experience far outweighs the pain of regret.
