Whenever you're here, I'm there for you Quotes

“Who doesn't love the smell of gasoline? That's why I decided to make it into a scent for my handcrafted soap. You can use it in the shower, or you can melt it down and use it to fuel your car if things with Iran continue to escalate.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“The key to being humorous is being wealthy. The richer you are, the funnier you are to women, and no matter what you say they'll be laughing and giggling.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“Apathy is a dangerous drug. Doing too much leads to not doing enough.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“Do you know why a Moscow Mule is served in a copper mug? Because copper is a conduit for electrical power, and that makes it the ultimate energy drink.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“I make music one note at a time, just as did Mozart. Tomorrow night you’ll get to hear the second note in my masterpiece symphony.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“Women glance at hands like men stare at asses. Why do you think attractive men are called handsome?”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“I give piano lessons. Do I know how to play the piano? Of course not. But you know the saying: Those who can’t do, teach.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“I love when I shake a mustard bottle really well and go to squirt a line on my hotdog and out spurts a yellow watery substance. They should sell that as an energy drink, because it really gets me amped up.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“Random book markers are time capsules. You stick them in the book you are reading and then set the book down and forget about it, sometimes for years. Receipts are the best, because they really show reality and how inflation has contributed to the collapse of America.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“A dandelion is the golf-ball-on-a-tee of the flower world. That makes me The John Daly of gardeners.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“To me, a fishing line is like a guitar string, and in Branson, I'm known as The Johnny Cash of Table Rock Lake. But I'm a modest and honest guy, so I'd prefer it if you called me Johnny Fiatcurrency.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“A porcupine has fur like a fence. That makes it a good neighbor unto itself.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“When you perform too well, you get punished by winning. This feeling is transitory, and after the celebration is over, all you are left with is more responsibility.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“Buy one thing, save a penny. Wow, what a deal. Thanks, 99-cents sticker price!”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“The grocery store checkout woman was pretty, but I’m sure all the guys tell her that. So, to flatter her differently, I told her she looks AI-generated.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“He said, “Don’t peek,” but all I heard was “Don’t peak.” I agree. Keep on getting better.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“I convert sunlight into edible energy. You can’t complain about not being tall enough if you aren’t eating like a tree.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“There's an old song called Brick House comparing a woman to a sturdy mason-crafted home. Is that flattering? Maybe women would rather their bodies be perceived as stucco abodes.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“My Karate Chamber smells like sliced meat. I chopped it thin with my bare hands.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“These days, what is a university but a collection of sports teams that share a mascot and fan base of students who mostly go into debt to study for careers already made obsolete by Artificial Intelligence?”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“Someone once described me as a “Silly Goose,” but I tried to not get offended. I prefer to think of myself as a Quirky Duck.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“My motto is I aim to please. Especially when I'm peeing at a urinal in a Walmart bathroom and I accidentally splash piss on the guy's feet standing next to me.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“I invented a gun that dispenses vodka. It didn't work, but it was worth a shot.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It will be a great conversation starter.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“Modern appliances have lifespans rivaling luna moths. Why buy something today that will need to be replaced in a week? Call me old-fashioned, but I want a washer and dryer that at least have the longevity of a fruit fly.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“Some men fight men. Other men fight fires. As for me, I prefer to get both to do my cooking for me.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“I read the newspaper a little at a time. I cut the paper up into tiny slivers, each about the size of a fortune cookie slogan, mix all the scraps together in a Fedora, and then pull them out at random one by one to read and get a better understanding of Naked Lunch.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“Wife beaters are great. They are undershirts with the armpits cut out, so your overshirt can still get those delightful sweat stains.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“You have to be delusional to be successful. After all, before you’re a winner, you’re just some loser.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“Only psychopaths don't talk to cats. I talk to cats because they are witty conversationalists. Every cat is The Oscar Wilde of body language.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you