A Memoir of Memories and Memes Quotes

“If you are an aspiring honey farmer, I have a documentary you NEED to watch. It's called The Beekeeper, and it stars Jason Stratham. It is the Mission Impossible of apiculturist culture.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I went to a music concert last night. I took a bunch of pictures, because nothing captures sound like a photograph.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“You cut in line. That’s a tiny robbery. You are stealing time from my life—and that’s also partial murder.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Being able to read body language is kind of like having telepathy. It's like someone else's internal thoughts translated into book format, and all you have to do to understand is use your eyes.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of mine.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“He said he had one of the worst pizzas in Chicago, and he wanted me to guess where it was from. I said, "New York?”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I'm addicted to cheese. It's a real addiction, but I get no love like the alcoholics.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Having a job is tricky. You don't want to be so productive that you make your coworkers appear like slackers, and you don't want to do so little that your coworkers have to make up for your lack of effort.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Elevators are supposed to smell like urine. That's what make the jazz playing through the overhead speakers sound more authentic.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Most people see a boarded-up Church's Chicken and they panic, thinking, "I shouldn't be in this neighborhood. I've got to leave immediately." But that's just what The Government wants you to believe. These are all secret entrances to The Underground Tunnel System.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“No matter how long I've been at my job, or how experienced I am, I tell customers I'm new. People are much more patient when I tell them I just started.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I have good news and bad news. The good news is we will all soon be billionaires. The bad news is that by the time that day comes, the dollar will be so devalued that your billions may not purchase your weekly groceries.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I just called a How's My Driving phone number. Why did someone in Branson, Missouri pick up and try to sell me a timeshare condo?”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Of all the musical tastes, Meat Loaf is the most flavorful. Is there anything better than Leftovers from the 80s?”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Using only audio software and recordings of ducks quacking and splashing in water, I make intergender music. That way you can ponder if you are truly Disney Trans enough for modern society while you dance with yourself.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Most employees are like interchangeable machine parts. When they show up to work, there is no trace of the person they replaced, and then they leave, they make no lasting impression and it's as if they were never there.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I've been to Mansfield. Maybe one day I'll go back and find myself an Amish woman to marry and we will have enough kids so they can all just pick up my barn and we can move my duck farm to the newest Meme Factory where I'll find work as a caption creator.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I took up duck farming in The Ozarks in 2020. I guess I did it mainly because the YMCA Aquatic Center in Orlando was operating at full occupancy with a geriatric aerobics class, and the instructor wouldn't let me ride my unicycle in the pool.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Normally, my morning cup is full of coffee. But this AM, I almost chugged a duckling.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Glenda told me that somebody just bought Andy Williams’ theater in Branson. Don’t look at me. This morning, I financed my coffee at the café over four monthly payments of 99 cents.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Seth Rogen is a funny guy. In fact, his sense of humor is so advanced that when he tells a joke, he's the only one who laughs.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Most salesmen are no-nonsense guys. But I’m not like them. I’m the #1 nonsense salesman in all of Camelot.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Squirrels never have to clock out to eat lunch. They also never pay for their food, so are humans really at the top of the power chart?”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I nailed my ice skates to a wooden floor. That’s how I learned to play hockey like a duck swims in soup.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“My brain probably looks like leftover meatloaf. People of The Future are going to find it and think, "This guy was a genius! We could probably still reheat this and serve it for dinner.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I graduated from The University of Florida. I tell people it's The Harvard of Gainesville.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Some people sing and dance. I do the opposite of that, and I think the only person who could truly appreciate my art is Helen Keller.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Time is fluid, like water. Swim in it like a duck.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“The Anthems of Rock are The Kings and Queens of Queen. No really, they out-Queened Queen, and they put Freddie Mercury in a thermometer and got this crowd HOT.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Queen always seemed to me to be manufactured championship music—designed to be played in stadiums to get fans hyped up about paying money to watch other men play a child’s game. With songs like We Will Rock You and We Are The Champions, they were the pep rally of pop rock.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes