Lily Ableman's Blog, page 4

Welcome to Finals Week (Also Known as HELL WEEK)

Currently, I’m suffering through finals week.

Good news: I’m more than halfway done. I turned in my Sosc paper (which was a piece of fucking shit, but hey, shitty papers are nothing new and I’m just glad I won’t ever have to write about Nietzsche or Plato again) and my creative writing final project.

Bad news: What I have left is my Analysis final and I am fucked.

As I read my notes, I ask myself, WHY DID I SKIP SO MANY CLASSES?

Motivation, where have you gone?

Hope, where have you gone?

(This is what attending the University of Chicago does to you.

I HATE YOU, UCHICAGO.

Just kidding, I love you.

Though I do kind of really hate you.)

EVERYTHING IS A FUCKING MATRIX. MEAN VALUE THEOREM, WHY ARE YOU EVERYWHERE?

And my diet has gone to shit. Fried bananas, Campbell’s chicken noodle soup, pizza, brownies, burgers – my fat jeans are starting to feel a little tight…

Just kidding. I ceased to fit into my fat jeans a long time ago.

And I’ve been distracted. Like, hello, how the fuck can I focus on my finals when THE FUCKING CLEVELAND (my fucking city, man) CAVALIERS ARE IN THE NBA FINALS?!

It’s been way too long since Cleveland has even come close to winning a sports championship.

LeBron, if you bring us a championship, all will be forgiven and we can forget that you ever played for the Miami Heat.

Seriously, I’ve been watching the games and I actually get somewhat physically ill whenever it looks like the Warriors might win the game.

BUT CLEVELAND IS CURRENTLY LEADING! 2-1, BITCHES!

Normally, I don’t care about sports, but when it comes to Cleveland, I care a lot. I loathe my city, but it’s MY CITY, so I can loathe and love it at the same time.

Also, some sketchy pop psychology – maybe I so desperately need Cleveland to win because I so desperately need something that’s not a failure in my life.

#depression

Speaking of depressing things…

My vibrator broke. It wasn’t unexpected. I mean, for a while, it was making disturbingly loud and screechy noises. And the base was almost completely torn off. But still, why did it have to break during finals week, when I so desperately need some tender loving care?

I guess that’s what I get for buying a $7 vibrator…

Because I’m a lady with some serious needs (and a serious lack of a man in my life), I went on Amazon and decided to splurge on a sturdy-looking $25 vibrator and paid for same day shipping. Lily can’t stand the thought of going more than 24 hours without jacking off.

Okay, back to math…

:(

-_-

>.<

>_<

O.o

On Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian

I don’t get why people HATE Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. I would understand being annoyed by them. They do have empires based on what basically amounts to their beauty and their superficial, vapid image. Most likely, they are pretty intelligent women in real life (idiots can’t make empires worth millions of dollars, connections or no connections, rich and famous family or no rich and famous family). But it is unfortunate that they let the media portray them as empty-headed dolls instead of strong smart women.

However, I do not understand why people call them hateful things like slut, whore, etc.

Yes, they made sex tapes. And yes, these sex tapes were leaked. And yes, these sex tapes were responsible for much of their fame.

My response to each statement:

Yes, they made sex tapes.

If you call them sluts for just making a sex tape, you’re basically calling them sluts for having sex. Yeah, probably most couples don’t record their naughty times, but so what if a couple does want to record their naughty times? They have a right to do so and it’s none of your fucking business because it’s their private life.

Also, Rick Salomon, Paris Hilton’s ex and costar of her sex tape, sounds like a major sleaze and it’s possible that he could have recorded the tape WITHOUT ASKING HER.

Yet Rick didn’t get a fraction of the hate that Paris, the woman who was possibly taken advantage of, received.

Sexism?

You tell me.

The sex tapes were leaked.

A lot of people think that Paris and Kim somehow orchestrated the leaks of their sex tapes. Honestly, I think such theories are bullshit. Why would they bother suing the companies that publicly released their tapes if they permitted the leaks to happen and why would the companies give them hefty settlements if they didn’t feel like they were wronged?

But what do I know?

And if they did orchestrate the leaks, hey…

It worked.

The sex tapes were responsible for much of their fame.

Sex sells, baby.

Honestly, if the tapes were released without their knowledge (which I think is true), I applaud them for taking advantage of the notoriety the tapes gave them. Instead of hiding in shame, they exploited their new-found fame like their exes and porn companies might have exploited their sex tapes and made fucking empires.

Why should they be ashamed for not being ashamed?

Thoughts on Pygmalion

BEWARE OF POSSIBLE SPOILERS.

I read this after seeing Azealia Banks at Summer Breeze (she was AMAZING!) and drinking 4 screwdrivers.

Good times.

Surprisingly, I was able to comprehend most of it, despite my not-quite-sober state.

And I loved it.

Though I am conflicted by the ending that Shaw gives to his play. I know Eliza’s decision to marry Freddy is a wise one. He’s kind, he truly loves her, and she truly loves him. Plus, he’s attractive and not old enough to be her dad (like Henry).

But a part of me did want her to end up with Henry. Yes, it would be a cliche. And yes, he is a dick. He’s condescending, he threatens to kill her like every ten pages, he has a weird Oedipus complex, and he’s controlling (Shaw pretty much says all of this in his afterword).

But there is a reason why Eliza ends up with Henry and not Freddy in My Fair Lady and Selfie (oh, how I still grieve over your premature cancellation. Yeah, technically, you don’t know if Eliza and Henry end up together in the TV show, but come fucking on. You KNOW).

And that is the scorching chemistry that comes with a love/loathing relationship. The chemistry between Karen Gillan and John Cho? SO FUCKING HOT.

Plus, I have a thing for Cinderella tales and people ending up with their benefactors.

But ultimately, yes, Freddy is the best choice. In real life, you choose the kind loving dude (even if he is poorer) over the cold dick (even if he is rich).

But when it comes to Selfie, Eliza and Henry all the way! Like, no fucking question about it.

Regardless of who you want Eliza to end up with, Pygmalion is worth reading because of the sparkling witty dialogue and wonderful characters.

A Farewell Letter to my Beloved Netbook

Dear Seashell (the name of my netbook. And the name of the model. Yeah, I know, I come up with super original names),

We first met when I was in eighth grade. You were a middle school graduation gift and I remember I was SOOO excited and happy to have you. Finally, a computer of my own! A computer I can use to watch porn…er, do homework whenever I want (well, until my mother told me to turn it off because using the computer too much would ruin my eyesight).

For the first few years, I loved you. Okay, I still love you, but for the first few years, that love wasn’t tainted by frustration. You ran smoothly and didn’t take ten minutes to load Google Chrome. Also, I could type Microsoft Word documents with ease and without freezing.

But then during my freshman year of college, I realized you were beginning to show your age. You couldn’t play videos on Youtube without freezing or some serious lagging. I couldn’t type documents without Microsoft Word freezing every few minutes. And I had to forget about trying to use Spotify; the music always stuttered and buffered no matter what I did.

And I admit sometimes I took out my frustration on you. Once, I ripped off the T key in anger (in my defense, I only meant to check what debris was under the key and making it uncooperative) because your keyboard wasn’t working properly. Also, I accidentally dropped you a couple of times. Eventually, the screen broke. I could have ordered a new computer then, but out of loyalty, I decided to replace the screen instead. I couldn’t let you go and a screen replacement was still a bit cheaper than buying a wholly new computer.

But the final nail in the coffin was when I updated your operating system from Windows 7 Starter to Windows 8.1.

To be fair, I should have realized that maybe your hardware wasn’t designed for such a new operating system. After all, you are over six years old. And sometimes, new isn’t necessarily better.

Anyway, after I “upgraded” to Windows 8.1, instead of performing better, I had to admit you were performing worse. You were getting even slower, freezing even more often, and watching porn…er, documentaries was becoming a hassle.

Finally, after buying a new charger for the second time (the first two broke, partially due to my carelessness and rough treatment of them) (and this is in addition to buying a new battery a year ago), I realized it might have been time to find a new computer. I can’t keep spending money to replace parts that might stop working in a few months anyway, and I can’t keep calling you a piece of shit when you’re trying to do the best that you can with your old hardware.

So last night, I ordered a brand new (used) laptop from Amazon for $150. I hope you don’t feel betrayed. I’m still going to keep you for sentimental reasons. Also, you possess some porn…er, movies that I haven’t backed up anywhere.

But thank you for all of the years you gave me. And sorry we couldn’t last longer.

Sincerely,

Lily

School, Boys, & Writing

School:

Thank the good Lord, I passed all of my classes last quarter. C+ in math (hooray, I’m a perfectly average math major!), B+ in Classics (not bad for a girl who doesn’t give a shit about philosophy), and A- in my creative writing class.

This quarter, I’m not sure how well I’m going to do. Math, will probably turn in an average performance again (you know your class attendance sucks when someone asks you, “Did you drop the class or something?” or “You’re, like, never in class”). Classics, like I give a flying shit. Thank the good Jesus Christ that this is my last quarter of social science. Creative writing, I’m hoping I will get at least an A-, but we’ll see how motivated I am as the quarter progresses.

Oh yeah, I changed my Classics section. To people I don’t know really well, the reason why: “Oh, I wanted a later class.” To my friends: “Oh yeah, I wanted to avoid the hot guy I unsuccessfully asked out. And I wanted to sleep more.”

Yeah, I know the mature thing would have been to stay in the class with hot guy and handle rejection gracefully, but…I’m not fucking mature.

Boys:

I am still obsessed with Douche Bag, who is unfortunately still an ass and still hot. And his writing talent is still pretty mediocre (you may think I’m being harsh, but trust me, it’s pretty fucking bad).

And my crush on my guy friend (who has a girlfriend) has gotten stronger and deeper.

Jesus fucking Christ, when will I crush on a guy who isn’t a douche bag AND is available?

Writing:

Wow, I need to start working hardcore on��Devil in an Armani Suit.��I have neglected it for way too long.

Writing goals for the summer:

*To finish��Devil in an Armani Suit.

*To start either��Dirty Little Details��or a��Boys Over Flowers-esque new adult romance.

Oh yeah, published��Bitter Candy��on Smashwords. So far, I have not regretted opting out of KDP Select on Amazon. As of today, I have sold 17 copies of the novel through Smashwords, which isn’t a whole lot, but money is money.

#foreverunpopular

Poor Decisions to Make During Finals Week (aka Hell Week)

#badlifechoices

That���s me.

So right now, University of Chicago students are having finals. And let me tell you, it���s been awful.��Writing bullshit�� papers last minute, studying for a math final and wishing that you went to class/didn’t copy homework problems mindlessly/looked at notes/paid attention to the professor’s lectures instead of playing Candy Crush during the last few weeks…

Yeah, kids, don’t be like me.

(How have I not flunked out of college yet?)

1.) Drinking hard cider at three in the afternoon and hanging out in your friends’ apartment until 11 at night:

Major confession time – I have developed a minor alcoholism (an oxymoron?) problem at college. I don’t get shit-faced every night or even every week, but I do drink to forget about shit and to calm my social anxiety (which are definitely not good reasons to drink). And I have gotten so drunk that I puked on myself and have gotten drunk on a Wednesday night.

Fortunately, these past few weeks, I haven’t been partying, so alcohol hasn’t been as much of a problem. But I did hard cider on Thursday at three in the afternoon (hey, it’s got to be 5 o’clock somewhere, right?) when I had a paper due on Friday at 5 pm.

Bad decision, man.

The hard cider wasn’t enough to get me drunk, but it didn’t help me write my paper, that’s for sure.

And hanging out with my friends until 11 definitely didn’t help me write my paper.

I don’t regret hanging out with my friends, but man, my paper was SHIT.

But I did refuse an offer from my friend to smoke weed! See, I have SOME self control.

2.) Eating…a lot. And eating a lot of unhealthy food:

CALORIES DON’T COUNT DURING FINALS WEEK, OKAY?

Okay, that’s a lie, but seriously, I need food during these rough times.

But I shouldn’t be eating (four!) brownies, pie, cookies, fried stuff, ice cream, and…

You get the picture.

Jesus, I’m going to clog my arteries.

Oh well. My math final might kill me first anyway.

3.) Wasting time on the internet instead of studying:

Seriously, without the Internet, I would be so much more productive. Instead of writing my paper or studying for math, I literally spent hours watching Soviet cartoons like Winnie the Pooh (which I have to say is pretty fucking adorable), Hedgehog in the Fog (which is creepy as fuck, man), etc.

I also spent a lot of time reading erotica. God, I didn’t know beef bus could be an euphemism for penis and tuna town��for vagina.

And I spent SOOOO much time (serious TMI alert) watching porn and using my vibrator.

Hey, it’s been a long winter, man.

And blogging instead of studying…seriously bad decision.

My Awkward Attempt to Ask a Guy Out

So I made a bet with my friend. If I asked Hot Guy from my Sosc class out (HG for short), my friend would buy me dinner. If I chickened out, I would have to treat him to dinner.

Honestly, I thought I would end up having to treat my friend to dinner. I’m super shy, in addition to awkward and inexperienced at, well, any non-platonic interactions with boys.

Plus, I did really creep out HG. Or I must have anyway. I mean, with all the staring and pointing and awkward attempt at conversation.

But today, I did ask HG out for coffee.

And totally got rejected.

Me: You seem like a really hot cool guy. Want to go out for coffee sometime?

HG: I have a girlfriend. But thank you.

UGGGGH.

To be fair, the rejection wasn’t unkind. And the rejection is definitely NOT why I call him Hottie McDouche (though the rejection does give the nickname some extra relish). I mean, come on, he has a fucking girlfriend. Of course he would reject me. And it’s fucking obvious I did not want a platonic coffee date.

But there’s a reason why one of my friends said, “He wasn’t the right guy for you anyway,” after I told her about my rejection.

Before I asked him out, I did some serious Internet stalking and found his college essay. And oh fucking Christ, he sounded like a JACKASS in the essay. So arrogant and pretentious. Won’t give you any exact quotes, but here’s a paraphrased summary:

Like, I used to be a such a nerd. But then I hit puberty and I turned hot and fit and became a jock. But you know, I still have an inner nerd. I, like, make people cry with my super awesome instrument playing and I think super deep thoughts about literature even though I don’t have to because I’m still such a nerd. Because I’m still a nerd, I get what being an outcast is like, so being the super awesome guy that I am, I go out of my way to talk to my nerds.

Of course the essay was better written. If it was written like that, he wouldn’t have gotten into UChicago and he definitely would have demanded a refund from his college essay coach.

Oh yeah, until I Googled Hottie McDouche, I didn’t know college essay coaches existed. Apparently, college essay coaches “help” you write your essay and charge you a ridiculous amount for their help ($150-$300 AN HOUR).

So yeah, Hottie McDouche was probably a rich douche.

Also, I started paying attention (well, sort of) to what he says in my Sosc class. And Lord, he talks a lot. And about nothing, like, interesting. And sometimes, what comes out of his mouth is just dumb/pretentious. I just want to say, “Oh, it’s so cute when you act like you know what you’re talking about.” Of course I’m not claiming I know what I’m talking about (I rarely talk during discussion and I don’t really understand the reading), but I can detect bullshit. And there’s a reason why a guy in my class rolls his eyes when HG talks.

So yeah, even if he was single and said yes, we probably wouldn’t have gone on a second date for the first date would have been 45 minutes of awkward silence (most likely).

Still, the rejection kind of hurts. I was/am really attracted to him and I’ve been horny lonely this quarter.

On the bright side, my friend will treat me to dinner.

But it would be nice to find a nice cute boy who’s single and into me.

And it would be nice to be attracted to a boy who isn’t a douche. God, I discovered I really do have a thing for d-bags. Like, they’re hot…until they open their mouths. Then it’s just like, OH MY GOD, JUST SHUT UP AND MAKE OUT WITH ME. And my d-bag crushes also have very mediocre writing talent.

And the one guy who I do like and who isn’t a douche bag…well, he’s taken.

#foreveralone

Of course I don’t need a man. My friends are great, and I really should be focusing on writing more and working toward my math major.

But it would be nice to not feel so lonely.

FALLING UNDER HIS SPELL is now perma-free, how to make your book perma-free, and my earnings as an indie author

So my novella FALLING UNDER HIS SPELL is now permanently free at various retailers!

Read on a Kindle? It’s FREE on Amazon!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00RQSA54U/ref=x_gr_w_bb_t1_x?ie=UTF8&tag=x_gr_w_bb_t1_x-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B00RQSA54U&SubscriptionId=1MGPYB6YW3HWK55XCGG2

Download books on Kobo? It’s FREE on Kobo!

http://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/falling-under-his-spell

Dig Smashwords? It’s FREE on Smashwords!

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/506940

Have iTunes? It’s FREE on iTunes!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/falling-under-his-spell/id957887951?mt=11

Read on the Nook? It’s FREE on Barnes & Noble!

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/falling-under-his-spell-lily-ableman/1121069389?ean=2940046510355

Why did I decide to make FALLING UNDER HIS SPELL free? Well, truthfully, it wasn’t selling many copies anyway, so I wasn’t going to lose much (if any money) making it free. (Then again, I wouldn’t lose much if I made BITTER CANDY free. But I digress…)

And hopefully, by making the novella free, more people will read it and more people will be enticed into buying BITTER CANDY after getting a sample of my work.

Got my fingers crossed!

As of right now, FALLING UNDER HIS SPELL is now ranked #612 in Amazon’s Free in Kindle Store. And

#10 in��Kindle Store > Kindle Short Reads > 90 minutes (44-64 pages) > Romance
#31 in��Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Literature & Fiction > Contemporary Fiction > Romance

Never thought I would see numbers like that ever.

And for indie authors trying to make their books perma-free, here’s how I did it:

1) Sign up for Smashwords in addition to Kindle Direct Publishing.

2) Publish the book on Smashwords and make sure it gets into the premium catalog.

3) Once it’s in the premium catalog, go on the product page for your book and click “tell us about a lower price.” Use links from Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo for the best and quickest results.

And voila, if your experience is similar to mine, the book will be free at all retailers within a few days.

Update on my (pitiful) earnings as an indie author:

January 2015: $25.57 from the U.S. store and a couple of dollars from foreign stores

February 2015: Estimated $10-11 from the U.S. store and a couple of bucks from foreign stores

Ugggh, so I obviously shouldn’t drop out of college.

But you know, the earnings were enough to justify me buying (a TMI alert) a vibrator and batteries. (More TMI alert) I have been SUPER horny lately.

My KDP select enrollment ends later this month, so I will probably try selling BITTER CANDY on Smashwords and see if I make any more money by being non-exclusive.

WILL I EVER HAVE FANS?

-An unpopular indie author

Awkward Interactions with a Hot Guy

This winter quarter has been long. And the weather has made me SUPER hungry for a warm body (i.e., I’ve been really horny).

It doesn’t help when there is a hot guy in my social science class.

And it definitely doesn’t help when the hot guy resembles DB (aka Douche Bag who I’m still a little obsessed with. However, the obsession has definitely gotten less intense. I think I actually might be getting over him. I recently looked at his Facebook profile and thought, “Uggggh.” And not “Uggggh, why am I attracted to him?” Just plain “Uggggh”).

Unfortunately, my waning obsession with DB means my obsession with DB’s doppelganger has gotten SOOO much worse. I’ve been staring at him during class a lot more (hey, I need some way to stay awake during discussions of Locke and Hobbes!), and I’m fairly certain he has caught me looking at him a few times.

God, sometimes, I feel like I’m a female, non-badass, non-immortal Edward Cullen.

Worse, I tried talking to him. Let me tell you, it was a spectacular failure.

Initially, I tried bumping into him accidentally-on-purpose. But I waited too long and lost my nerve and just ended up walking next to him. A few seconds of silence passed before he gave me a weird look.

Then I asked:

“Uh, what did you think of the class?”

Yeah, kids, do not take flirting tips from me.

Then he said stuff and I could not pay attention to what he was saying or be articulate AT ALL because I was so focused on how hot he was.

Mercifully, the painful conversation only lasted for, like, two minutes because he ran walked away from me.

A few days later, I embarrassed myself even more.

I was talking to a friend at the dining hall about how horny I was and how I really wanted to have sex with the hot guy from my social science class. Then a few minutes later, said hot guy walked into the dining hall.

Me to my friend: “Oh my God, he’s here.”

My friend: “Where?” My friend looked for a few seconds, failing to find HG (hot guy), until I pointed at HG.

(Note: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?)

Of course HG caught me pointing at him. When my friend told me, I dissolved into laughter along with my friend.

Then my friend told me HG was watching us and laughing to himself.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHY AM I SO PAINFULLY AWKWARD?

Sometimes, I feel like my life is a bad sitcom and I’m the socially awkward, boy-crazy main character.

After my most recent social science class, HG ran walked out of the classroom faster than usual.

Not that I can blame him. I creep myself out with my lust.

UGGGGH.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m destined to die alone.

Wow, I Really Can’t Live without My Cell Phone

So yesterday, my Samsung Galaxy S3 decided to stop charging.

At first, I was just annoyed. My phone tends to have problems charging, so it could just be a matter of my phone being a dick again and not connecting with the USB cable properly.

But after two hours, I started freaking out. Because no matter what I did, IT WOULDN’T FUCKING CHARGE.

I got a needle and toothpick and started cleaning the USB port on my phone (though, in hindsight, my inexpert hands digging around a tiny USB port with a sharp object might have been an extremely poor decision. Oh well, not like anything I was doing was working anyway!). Still, nada. Desperately, I even started watching Youtube videos on how to put a micro sim card in an old phone and how to charge a phone without a charger. Still, nothing because man, I lack so many materials.

UGGGGGH.

Then I wondered how I managed to survive without a cell phone throughout middle school and high school.

Then I realized…

Wow, I actually hang out with people my age now. OUTSIDE of classes.

(Yeah, I had a really sad, nonexistent social life in middle school and high school…)

Because I actually hang out with folks right now, I understand the convenience of texting and calling on a cell phone.

And especially because I don’t live with my parents during the school year anymore, I DEFINITELY understand the convenience.

My parents are overprotective and they tend to call me a lot. If I miss their calls, they freak out.

So when my phone decided to stop charging, I really started freaking out.

What if they call me and my phone is dead? Then they’ll fucking think I’m dead.

Then you might ask me why I can’t just tell my parents the truth. “Hey, my phone isn’t working, so uh, if I don’t answer your calls, it’s not because I’m dead.”

The answer:

I forwarded the calls from my dorm room’s landline to my cell phone.

Yeah, before, my parents used to call my landline to make sure I was in my room before 9 o’clock (thus enacting a quasi-curfew on me even though I live a few states away from them). I found ways to get around this (though I did get caught being out after 9 a couple of times and that resulted in a lot of aggravating arguments where I futilely tried to insist that I was an adult capable of making my own decisions and taking care of myself) before finally forwarding my calls without my parents’ knowledge.

So yeah, if they now decide to call my dorm room, I’m sooooo screwed.

I tried to find a solution to this problem today without much success. I walked to a local cell phone repair store only to ultimately have the nice guy there tell me he really couldn’t do anything for me. I could try to find another store to replace my USB port, but it would cost a lot of money and most stores would probably only do mail-in repairs, so I would have to be without my phone for a few days.

But then he said, “A cheaper option would probably be a wireless charger.”

Instead, I was like, WHAT?

A wireless charger? Those exist? Oh my God.

Then I Googled it and found out wireless chargers do exist.

PRAISE THE LORD!

Then I found out the price. $30.

PRAISE THE LORD!

Granted, it was $30 I would have preferred not spending, and with same day shipping from Amazon Prime, it was $36, but it was way cheaper than a repair would be. For a mail-in, it would be around $90-100 and that doesn’t include shipping & handling & the stress it would cause me to come up with excuses to my parents for a few days. And some stores would offer repairs for around $50, but that doesn’t include taxes, public transportation costs, and the stress it would cause me to go on public transportation alone (I’m a suburbs girl with a terrible sense of direction. It most likely wouldn’t have gone well).

So $36!

And yeah, the charger isn’t going to get here until tomorrow, but I can come up with excuses until then.

Seriously, though, Samsung, I love my Galaxy S3 like I love looking at hot guys, but…YOUR USB PORT IS SHADY AS FUCK.

Dudes, I looked at the reviews of the wireless charging pad I ordered, and most of them talked about how they had to buy it after their USB ports stopped working.

In a Kanye voice,

“WE WANT LIFETIME WARRANTY!”