My Awkward Attempt to Ask a Guy Out

So I made a bet with my friend. If I asked Hot Guy from my Sosc class out (HG for short), my friend would buy me dinner. If I chickened out, I would have to treat him to dinner.

Honestly, I thought I would end up having to treat my friend to dinner. I’m super shy, in addition to awkward and inexperienced at, well, any non-platonic interactions with boys.

Plus, I did really creep out HG. Or I must have anyway. I mean, with all the staring and pointing and awkward attempt at conversation.

But today, I did ask HG out for coffee.

And totally got rejected.

Me: You seem like a really hot cool guy. Want to go out for coffee sometime?

HG: I have a girlfriend. But thank you.

UGGGGH.

To be fair, the rejection wasn’t unkind. And the rejection is definitely NOT why I call him Hottie McDouche (though the rejection does give the nickname some extra relish). I mean, come on, he has a fucking girlfriend. Of course he would reject me. And it’s fucking obvious I did not want a platonic coffee date.

But there’s a reason why one of my friends said, “He wasn’t the right guy for you anyway,” after I told her about my rejection.

Before I asked him out, I did some serious Internet stalking and found his college essay. And oh fucking Christ, he sounded like a JACKASS in the essay. So arrogant and pretentious. Won’t give you any exact quotes, but here’s a paraphrased summary:

Like, I used to be a such a nerd. But then I hit puberty and I turned hot and fit and became a jock. But you know, I still have an inner nerd. I, like, make people cry with my super awesome instrument playing and I think super deep thoughts about literature even though I don’t have to because I’m still such a nerd. Because I’m still a nerd, I get what being an outcast is like, so being the super awesome guy that I am, I go out of my way to talk to my nerds.

Of course the essay was better written. If it was written like that, he wouldn’t have gotten into UChicago and he definitely would have demanded a refund from his college essay coach.

Oh yeah, until I Googled Hottie McDouche, I didn’t know college essay coaches existed. Apparently, college essay coaches “help” you write your essay and charge you a ridiculous amount for their help ($150-$300 AN HOUR).

So yeah, Hottie McDouche was probably a rich douche.

Also, I started paying attention (well, sort of) to what he says in my Sosc class. And Lord, he talks a lot. And about nothing, like, interesting. And sometimes, what comes out of his mouth is just dumb/pretentious. I just want to say, “Oh, it’s so cute when you act like you know what you’re talking about.” Of course I’m not claiming I know what I’m talking about (I rarely talk during discussion and I don’t really understand the reading), but I can detect bullshit. And there’s a reason why a guy in my class rolls his eyes when HG talks.

So yeah, even if he was single and said yes, we probably wouldn’t have gone on a second date for the first date would have been 45 minutes of awkward silence (most likely).

Still, the rejection kind of hurts. I was/am really attracted to him and I’ve been horny lonely this quarter.

On the bright side, my friend will treat me to dinner.

But it would be nice to find a nice cute boy who’s single and into me.

And it would be nice to be attracted to a boy who isn’t a douche. God, I discovered I really do have a thing for d-bags. Like, they’re hot…until they open their mouths. Then it’s just like, OH MY GOD, JUST SHUT UP AND MAKE OUT WITH ME. And my d-bag crushes also have very mediocre writing talent.

And the one guy who I do like and who isn’t a douche bag…well, he’s taken.

#foreveralone

Of course I don’t need a man. My friends are great, and I really should be focusing on writing more and working toward my math major.

But it would be nice to not feel so lonely.