Lily Ableman's Blog

I’m a liar who lies (i.e., Devil in an Armani Suit’s publication date has been pushed back to December 31, 2017)

I am incredibly sorry for doing this to you all, but I need to push back the publication date of Devil in an Armani Suit yet again.

Devil in an Armani Suit’s publication date has been pushed back (again) + rant about 2016

I am the world’s most unreliable author.

I am SO sorry, but I have pushed back the publication date for Devil in an Armani Suit again. It will now be out on January 31, 2017. I realized that while editing/writing Devil, even if I forsook sleep and TV and fun and reading for pleasure, I most likely won’t be able to have the book done by 2016. So for the sake of my sanity & my desire to enjoy my winter break, I will now be working towards a publication date of January 31, 2017. And I know I’ve said this before, but THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME I WILL PUSH BACK THE PUBLICATION DATE. Even if I have to forsake sleep and TV and fun and food (okay, maybe not food, but you get the point) in January, I will have the novel finished by the end of January.

Again, so sorry[image error] 2016 was just such a shitty year and classes were harder than expected, so I was not putting in the necessary work for Devil. One of my creative writing classes was a major pain in the ass – I got an A in it, but at the cost of sleep and my sanity. It. Was. Just. So. Much. Work. It would’ve been fine if it was a lot of creative writing, but it was mostly critical essays (uuuugggh) and bullshitting Freudian/Joycean/whateverian perspectives on short stories (uuuuugggggh). Many a Tuesday night was spent crying figurative tears/writing/bitching. Also senioritis got the best of me. I was procrastinating on Devil, math homework, Joyce, Freud, et cetera. So it was just a shit-show in that respect.

And two words: November 8. After that day, my work ethic kind of just went even more downhill. I did not really want to face a world where Fuhrer Trump got elected, so I drank way too much and did even less work.

Mini-rant on the election: OK, I voted for Clinton in the presidential election, though I voted for Bernie Sanders in the primary. I had some major reservations about voting for Clinton – I entertained the idea of voting for what-is-Aleppo Johnson (in his defense, I did not know what Aleppo was before, and yeah, yeah, I know we should seek for leaders that are better than the average Joe/Josephine, but he is a libertarian and libertarians don’t really focus on international issues. But in this day and age, we do need a president who knows his/her international shit, and Clinton definitely fit that bill in my opinion) – but ultimately, I found her way less awful/racist/misogynist/incompetent/narcissist than Fuhrer Trump. She wasn’t my ideal candidate, but she was qualified and in my mind, Orange Hitler was just not a fucking option. Unfortunately, people did think Trump was an option and the best choice for our country. & I do get why people voted for Trump. I fucking get it. People were angry and justifiably so. But TRUMP? A businessman who shipped millions of jobs overseas & has said incredibly racist and misogynist things & has been accused of sexual assault by multiple women & is just so incredibly petty? UGGGGH. & I know you can say plenty of shit about Clinton, but I just found her so much better. (But the Democratic Party did contribute to their downfall. They did not do enough to reach out to the working class & did not do enough to show that being pro-immigrant and pro-worker are NOT two mutually exclusive concepts. Hopefully next election, they will do better and support candidates with ideals like Bernie Sanders’.)

Mini-rant OVER.

Anyway, after the election, I kind of fell into a slump. I’ve recovered from it (somewhat), but unfortunately, I do need more time to work on Devil. Thank you for your patience & sorry for always stretching it, but I WILL FINISH IT AND IT WILL COME OUT IN JANUARY. Thanks for all of the support!❤❤ & in the meantime, you can check out the first few chapters on Wattpad & Fictionpress.

https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3269605/1/Devil-in-an-Armani-Suit

https://www.wattpad.com/story/53961176-devil-in-an-armani-suit

Thanks again!

Hacksaw Ridge vs. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

Hey, I’m back. Sorry for the long (figurative) silence. It’s been a busy few months with school (uuugh), trying to get Devil done (I’m such a fucking procrastinator), and me messing around (going to advance screenings instead of doing my homework, seeing Fun Home, going to a concert with a random Facebook friend, et cetera). And it’s been a very, very rough week. I drank a lot of alcohol (a whole bottle of wine in fact) and stress-ate a lot during the election, and I think my body is still recovering from that (use your imagination to guess what I mean by that). I will probably eventually do a long ranting blog post on the election, but for now, let’s just say I voted for Clinton (with a lot of reservations, but to me, she was obviously the best choice) and let’s just say I am still angry & sad & disappointed that an orange fascist blob who starred in a fucking reality TV show is going to be our president. Honestly, Kim Kardashian could become our president someday; she’s just as qualified as Donald – she starred in a reality TV show and she’s a businesswoman. And on the plus side, she is way less racist and less misogynist and overall way less awful.

Okay, that turned out to be longer than I thought. Rant over!

Let me get to the main topic of this post. Instead of being a good student and studying and doing my homework, I’ve started going to advance screenings. This month, I’ve seen Hacksaw Ridge, Arrival, and Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk. I recently looked at critics’ reviews of Hacksaw and Billy, and I was surprised to see that Hacksaw had quite a lot of glowing reviews while Billy, well, did not. While I liked Hacksaw and thought it was an entertaining film, after thinking about it a bit, I have some problems with it, which I shall discuss later. And while Billy had some flaws, I personally thought it was the better film. And a few negative reviews actually made me kind of pissed.

Let me refer to Pete Hammond’s review in Deadline. 

Review of Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

(Warning: possible spoilers ahead)

“Other things weaved in and out include Billy’s interactions with his family and sister, and a brief relationship with a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader who gets it on with him at the game. Most of it is set at the game, and clearly the story is meant to show the disparity between what these men did in the heat of war versus the exploitation and difficulty they have once they are home. It hammers you on the head with one awkward sequence after another, none of it particularly believable or compelling. The squad itself comes off as boorish and downright unlikable at times, their behavior not befitting the image we have of our veterans. I guess that’s the point in some ways, but with one of them nearly strangling a football fan for no good reason….”

“Boorish and downright unlikable”? “Not befitting the image we have of our veterans”? “I guess that’s the point in some ways”? 

The squad is composed of soldiers who happen to be fucking young men. They have seen hell and they have – thank God – survived it. They make sex jokes because they are men who have lust and they like to mess around. They are flawed because they are human. Yes, their behavior might not match that of the behavior you think a soldier should have, but why should they fit that image? That image is not real. They are not mythical heroes; they are young men who are risking their lives in hellish war. So give them a fucking break. And okay, that scene where that one soldier strangled a football fan – yes, he shouldn’t have assaulted that fan, but come on, I understand where he is coming from. The soldier has seen horrors that honestly no human should ever see, has been forced to do things that no human should ever have to do – he’s fucking damaged and scarred, and who can fucking blame him for not coming home from war unscathed? Who can blame him for possessing a lot of anger? And though that football fan didn’t deserve to be strangled, he was being a fucking obnoxious jerk and the worst part is he thought that the soldiers were being obnoxious because they didn’t respond “appropriately” well to his half-assed, insult-ridden, perfunctory display of “respect.” He claims to support the troops – yet he makes snide comments about gay troops to the soldiers’ faces and implies that they’re losing the war because they’re too busy giving each other blowies. That football fan needed to shut the hell up and learn how to show the troops some real fucking respect.

Contrast the soldiers in Billy with the perfect non-violent Andrew Garfield in Hacksaw. The guy is fucking unbelievably perfect (and yeah, yeah, I know the movie is based on a true story, blah, blah, blah). He so enthusiastically signs up for war and is all gung-ho patriotic and in the movie you NEVER see him being a jerk or really otherwise flawed. There are some hints of him being scarred from the horrors he’s seen, but they come off so inauthentic and generic to me and nothing like the scarred soldiers in Billy. He’s probably what a “true” veteran should look like. Pssssh, give me a fucking break. Yes, I think soldiers are heroes, but soldiers are also real people. They have some damn flaws.

Also, yes, the war scenes in Hacksaw are way more gruesome and bloody than those in Billy and they are in fact a way magnificent because of their horror, but curiously, the movie comes off as pro-war. Andrew never comes to regret signing up for the hell that is war and is always just too fucking happy to do his duty & work for the good old USA. And the one character who is anti-war – Andrew’s father – is a mean old drunk alcoholic who eventually finds the key to his son being allowed to fight for good old America. Basically, Hacksaw is good old propaganda, and I think critics responded more favorably to it because despite its excess of gore, it’s an easier film to watch than Billy because never does it ever force us – or even try to – to think more deeply about why our government ships off young men to risk their lives to fight some war they didn’t start. And Billy, though it is at times ridiculous, makes the viewer see how callously we treat our troops and how shallow our praise of them is. And this is just me speculating, but perhaps that is why critics responded so lukewarmly to it. And some might say Billy is actually pro-war because after all, the soldiers go back to Iraq to fight. But that would totally be missing the message that these soldiers no longer feel at home in America and that there is nothing for them in this country and that the only way they can feel like they are worth something is if they risk getting shot in some senseless war.

But whatever, some people might dismiss me because I’m not a professional critic. But this is just what I think. Despite Billy being based on a novel and Hacksaw being based on a true story, Billy came off as more real and honest to me.

One last note, Joe Alwyn, the actor who plays Billy, gave a great performance and I hope he gets more roles.

-Lily, forever pro-troop and forever anti-war (not mutually exclusive, you all)

P.S. The portrayal of the Japanese in Hacksaw was problematic. They were kind of portrayed as the inhuman enemy instead of men who are doing atrocious things in the name of their country. And though the “enemy” wasn’t very present in Billy, they came off as ten times more human and their portrayal was a lot more nuanced.

The struggle to lose weight

Remember how I was trying to go on a diet in order to lose weight a while ago? HAHA, WASN’T THAT A FAIL.

Well, I got up a wake-up call from everyone’s favorite friend, Mr. Scale. -_-

I have not only gained the freshman 15…I have also gained the sophomore and junior 25.

Yep, I gained 40 fucking pounds. Then I looked up my BMI, and depending on whether it’s a good or bad day, I can be either really overweight or obese.

Holy fuck.

So lately, I’ve been trying to lose weight and get in shape FOR REAL. Since I don’t go back to school until late September, I have about a month where I can avoid the temptation of the dining hall and my unlimited meal plan.

So how am I attempting to lose my college 40? GIVE UP FUN AND FOOD. Just kidding.

(Mostly)

I’ve been trying to get more active. With S Health, I’ve been tracking my steps and biking workouts. I’m trying to shoot for 6,000-8,000 steps a day and biking for 30-45 minutes every other day. Plus I’ve done my best to avoid midnight snacking and eating more *shudders* vegetables & fruits. So far, I’ve been successfully getting more active, usually reaching my goals. But have I been losing weight? I think so. Well, I hope so. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT ALL OF THIS SWEAT AND MISERY TO GO TO WASTE.

Also, shout-out to Pokemon Go! I have to say it does motivate me to go out on walks and bike rides. Because I want to catch ’em all and hatch ’em eggs.

Because exercise just for the sake of health and weight loss? Naaaaaah. I WANT THE GYARADOS!

Back from the darkness

My last post was on April 30?! What the fuck?! What have I been doing with my life?! I wish I could say I’ve been finishing up Devil in an Armani Suit or dating a k-pop star, but alas, no. I’ve just been doing…stuff.

But no worries. I’m back from the darkness, ready to give you pointless updates about my mundane life again.

*Got a C in Basic Algebra 2! Boo-yah! C’s get degrees, yo! But seriously, I was so happy when I saw the C. I legit thought I was going to flunk the class. The professor wasn’t *exactly* encouraging and the class made me regret becoming a math major even more, but it all turned out OK in the end.

*Finished writing It’ll be Better This Time Around. Now I just have to edit it and check it for typos/inconsistencies. I should be ready to publish the novella within a few days.

*Also have been trying (unsuccessfully) to lose weight. My skinny jeans keep mocking me -_- And FOOD IS SO GOOD. But I have shed a few pounds, so I’m making (very little and very slow) progress.

*Pokemon Go has seriously taken over my life. I yelled in the middle of a conversation with a friend when I saw a Jynx. Just when I thought I couldn’t be less socially graceful. I WANT TO BE THE VERY BEST AND I WILL CATCH THEM ALL!

*Re-read Beauty Queens by Libba Bray. If you are a girl and the least bit feminist, READ IT. It is amazing & hilarious & will make you super proud of your womanhood!

Annnnyyywaaaay, I’ll go back to editing my novella.

Until next time, (imaginary?) audience.

 

Tinder, you’ll be the death of my GPA

God, I’ve been spending hours on Tinder at a time. Like, swipe after swipe after swipe, silly message after silly message. And oh yeah, chatting for an hour with a guy who admitted he was a bit of a sociopath and thought about suicide a lot (his own and in general). I don’t know if the dude was just fucking with me or if he was seriously, like, disturbed, but that chat consumed an hour of my time. At first, I thought it was a refreshingly genuine conversation on Tinder, but then it just got…dark. And weird. And heavy.

So yeah, I unmatched the dude. It was a rabbit hole of a conversation.

So after that, I just decided to keep things light on Tinder. Maybe ridiculously light and silly, but hey, I’m trying to have fun on this fucking app. So I’ve just been messaging guys left and right. Things from “Tell me something about yourself” and “You’re cute, but are we book/food compatible?” and “Food is always good” to “O Ye beautiful Swede.” And also wasted quite a bit of time with a bot (I should’ve known he was a bot. His profile picture was way too cute.)

Bot: (Emojis for “you’re cute”)

Me: Lol what?

Bot: (Emojis for “let’s go on a date”)

Me: Depends. Are you a real guy or only a guy who speaks in emojis?

*a bot

And wow you move fast

Hope you’re real though because your pics are really cute

Bot: (Emojis for “phone number?”)

Me: Oh you’re a bot

I’m just a girl looking for love (or just a seriously thirsty chick)

So in the course of a week, I downloaded Tinder, Bumble, Happn, Double, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Hinge. Yes, I downloaded six dating apps. Am I pathetic? Perhaps. Am I thirsty? You bet. I don’t know why, but I have a serious case of spring fever. I’ve never been in a relationship, and real life is getting me nowhere in that department (in addition to a few other ones), so I downloaded some dating apps in the hopes that it would kick-start my love life (though it has not worked out in the past). And though at times I swore I would never download Tinder again (because of some interactions with creeps asking for nudes and negging assholes and lazy dudes who just wanted to hook up), I decided to just do so because hey, not all guys on there are terrible and there’s just so many people on it, so more opportunities for fucking romance, right?

Anyway, I already deleted Coffee Meets Bagel (the process is just so fucking slow) and I’m considering deleting Double. Like, I love the concept of Double – double dating with a friend and matching up with pairs – but there’s JUST NO ONE ON IT. Also, for an app called Happn, not much is happening for me on it. Like, I messaged a couple of guys. No response. Same for Bumble. No response! I’m starting to understand why some guys hate making the first move. It sometimes just gets you nowhere.

To be honest, the app that is getting me at least some chatting action is Tinder. Within a day of re-downloading it, I’ve already gotten responses from a couple of guys. Time will tell if I actually meet up with said guys in real life, but here’s hoping something comes out of the chats. Also, I kind of feel like a fucking cougar as I’m a 21 year old girl currently chatting with four 19 year old guys on my campus. Corrupt the youth, corrupt the youth, the devil on my shoulder is telling me.

My attempts to start the conversation, in case you’re interested.

“Let’s cut to the chase. I swiped right because I think you’re cute.”

“Tell me something about yourself.”

“Moment of truth – what did you think about the finale of (TV show)?”

Time will tell if these work.

Testing a Bathroom Hack

So…I clogged my toilet. Okay, yeah, whatever, gross. I drop big deuces. Also I use excessive amounts of toilet paper.

And instead of asking people in my dorm for a plunger like a normal person, I Google “how to unclog a toilet without a plunger.” Because 1) I was too lazy to leave my room and 2) Awkward social interaction? Please, I don’t need more of that.

So Huffington Post gave me a possible solution.

How to Unclog a Toilet Without a Plunger

Basically, first, you squirt a lot of shampoo or dish soap into the toilet bowl. Dish soap is preferred, but because I’m such a bad adult, I only have shampoo (which I also use to wash dishes, ha, ha). So I squirted basically the rest of my shampoo into the toilet bowl.

Then you pour some hot water into the bowl and wait. What should happen: the water breaks down the paper and the soap helps it slide down the pipe. So I waited and I couldn’t see what was really happening (because I put way too much shampoo and the bubbles obscured the water). So I tried flushing and of course it wasn’t working. Then I thought stupid Huffington Post, this is fucking dumb, I’m going to have to ask for a plunger…

Then I flushed again and voila! Clean toilet bowl.

So Huff Post’s bathroom hack actually DOES work.

What I want for my birthday, as asked by my friend

*A Pikachu plush. And there is no such thing as too big. A plush that’s bigger than me? UM, YES, PLEASE.

*Gudetama plush. Again, the bigger, the better. My friend’s reaction: “What the fuck? It’s fucking creepy and it looks depressed!” Um, if by creepy and depressed, you mean fucking adorable and adorably lazy, then yeah!

*The complete series of Frasier. 

* A nice edition of Anna Karenina. Preferably the Pevear and Volokhonsky translation. Friend: “That’s oddly specific…”

*A nice edition of Middlemarch. Fuck Charles Dickens. George Eliot is THE Victorian novelist.

*Mashimaro plush. It better be fat.

Friend: “You have fucking expensive taste…”

Because of Gender Civ

So last week, I went to an auto show. And let me tell you, the cars weren’t the only things I was checking out ;)

(oh my God, I am a terrible piece of human flesh…)

There was this super hot showman. You know, one of those pretty people that car companies hire to dupe suckers like me ask people for their contact information for test rides and shit? Of course, this being a patriarchal society and all, the majority of these show-people were gorgeous women, with very, VERY few being attractive men.

But lucky for me, again, there was this super hot showman. Anyway, first time I saw him, he asked my friend and me, “Hey, how are you guys doing?” & though I have no recollection of this (probably because I was too distracted by the guy’s beautiful face and trying to act like it wasn’t totally obvious that I was distracted by the guy’s beautiful face), my friend claims that I curtly said, “Good,” and scurried away (which to be honest, does sound like something my very awkward self would do).

So my friend said, “OK, you have to talk to him. I know that guy was exactly your type.”

Me – “Whatever. I’ll talk to him if you talk to one of the hot girls.”

To my chagrin, my friend asked TWO girls about cars.

Friend – “OK, now you have to go ask the dude something about cars.”

Me – “Fiiine.”

So we went to the hot dude a second time. And he was talking to other people. So mission aborted.

Then we went to the hot dude’s section a third time and we didn’t see him. So I was like, fake regretful, “Oh darn. He must be done working. Guess I can’t talk to him.”

Then hot dude sees us and says, “You’re back!”

Such is life.

Then hot dude asks, “Are you interested in one of our cars?” And of course I had to say yeah. Then he asked, “OK, what cars?” & because I’m such a smooth operator (#sarcasm), I said, “Whatever. I don’t care.” (But in a gentle tone!)

I can’t even try to feign interest in cars, haha.

Then my friend quickly says, “this one!” and points to the car we’re standing next to.

& because I was in la-la-this-guy-is-really-hot land, I wasn’t really responding or paying attention when the hot dude asked, “5 seats or 7 seats? Any kids?” (because, um, awkward, he thought my friend and I were married). Except I think I did say, “Any kind” to the 5 seats or 7 seats question (again, such a smooth operator). As a result, my friend kind of had to be the one to feign interest. Also my friend claims that hot dude was getting really annoyed with him (though I was the one in la-la land) but was still pretty nice and attentive to me (though again, I was in la-la-don’t-give-a-shit-about-cars land).

Anyway, I gave the hot dude my information for a test ride, and just as he shook my hand, I got the nerve to tell him, “I just wanted to say I think you’re really attractive.”

!!!

Yeah, I know, I can’t believe I had the nerve to say it either. & without gagging or stammering either!

& hot dude was caught off guard, but then he smiled and said, “Aw, thank you, that’s so sweet. What’s your name?” And then he caught himself and said, “Oh right, (my real name).You gave me your information. My name is (insert hot dude’s name). I’m an actor/model. You should follow me on Instagram!” (Only reason I downloaded Instagram when I got home)

We had a nice 2-minute conversation, haha.

So to my friend, I said, “Ha! I told him he was attractive! That beats your just talking to two hot girls!”

Also, as a joke, I said, “Ha, ha, I should just tell our gender Civ professor about this instead of writing a paper. Because hey, I was subverting gender norms!” (As it’s usually the dudes hitting on the hot girls at auto shows and not girls hitting on the hot dudes)

Also, because of gender Civ, I’m reading Foucault. Which let me tell you, is fucking painful. Like Foucault can make a simple idea like, “I like brown,” and turn it into the most fucking unnecessarily complicated and long sentence ever.

So take gender civ, people!