Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 16

Only You Can Prevent S’mores

(if you need me, I’ll be over here evolving)

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You know the Darwin Awards, yes? Of course you do. (If you don’t, say you do anyway; otherwise, you might get one.)

The Darwin Awards are those unofficial “biped stupidity” prizes, presented in the spirit of Charles Darwin, a nineteenth-century naturalist who got so bored of sailing that he actually wrote a book called The Formation of Vegetable Mould, through the Actions of Worms, a page-turner which sold two copies because he had two...

Stephen King, by Moby Dick

(Women, I can tell you what guys are thinking: nothing. — Jerry Seinfeld)

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“Absolutely nothing. We’re just walking around, looking around.”

And this week, while walking and looking, here’s some of what I saw:

This just in: According to reporters, a sinkhole has developed on the White House’s North Lawn. Leaders in the Democratic Congressional caucus immediately demanded their own sinkhole. Members of the mainstream media accused President Trump of turf abuse, and Geraldo Rivera wa...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

“They told me to just smile, repeatedly. Whatever happens, they said, just smile.” Obviously, there was some tension In the hours leading up to the world’s first full-skull follicle transplant “And as a gesture of peace between our nations, please accept this extremely large cauliflower.” Obviously, the President was not prepared to be grilled by a large exposed brain. “Okay, what smart guy put the poison ivy on the mantle? “We’ll let the Egyptian ambassador answer your questions in a sec....

Weak in the News IV

(Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans. — John Lennon)

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It was a busy week at life this week, full of tight deadlines, hard decisions, and an unscheduled snake. Unfortunately for you, faithful reader, that means I was unable to dedicate the usual amount of time I set aside for composing a weekly humor column (seven minutes). So here are a bunch of random, disconnected thoughts, loosely culled from this week’s news on Earth.

Yes, most of my thoughts are usually d...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Looking back, there was probably a reason Amelia Earhart failed to acquire funding History tells us precious little about Stan Lee’s original superhero concept, Androgynous Bat Person Sadly, the quirky piano protege never noticed the smoke as she agreed to one more encore Donnella delivered the skit’s last soliloquy, and it was clear that vaudeville would never be the same And even as the divorce court judge’s gavel dropped, Alan was still clueless Reviews were mixed for the Aerosmith/Caitl...

To Each His/Her/Its/Their Own

(Note: adage approved by MultiGAP)

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All my life, I’ve heard people say, “It takes all kinds.” Way too many people. I wish It would come take them, too.

“It takes all kinds.” What a dulling, defeatist statement. When you see some juvenile thug at the mall yelling at his goth-eyed girl, “It takes all kinds” is not the appropriate response. Mace is the appropriate response. This is also the kind of comment a closet bigot makes when they’re trying to prove how tolerant they are. Beside...

Facebook Joins the U.N.

(a brief history of timeline)

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Facebook. It just turned fourteen, making it the youngest juggernaut in history, as well as the only software ever created that’s actually older than the guy who created it.

Facebook. It’s ubiquitous, although at age fourteen it’s not yet old enough to know what “ubiquitous” means. If you haven’t heard of it, you’re lying. In fact, you’re probably logged into it right now, like nearly one out of every three people on this planet, most of whom don’t ca...

Literacy Are Overrated

(The ABCs of SDDs)

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I like science. There, I said it. I like science way more than, say, social media. I like science because it explains things to me, like why it always hurts when I hit myself in the head with a hammer. Social media isn’t helpful like that; in fact, social media is usually why I want to hit myself in the head with a  hammer.

Also, science validates me. Occasionally. Every now and then, science will swing round and confirm something I was already pretty sure was t...

Of Mice and Boys

(The fountain of youth edges closer)

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Okay, fellow Earthlings. Here’s a bit of good news! It looks like some scientists in Boston have managed to reverse aging in mice. You know, because all of mankind’s other problems have already been solved.

And as a concerned, caring citizen of Earth, I say it’s about time. I mean, c’mon. Mice are people, too, though which is uglier has yet to be decided. Fred Sanford, that grumpy old junk dealer from TV’s Sanford & Son, used to say there’s no...

Warning: Sarcasm Ahead

(I’m only serious when I’m lying.)

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Here’s some advice…which, like facebook, is free and worth every penny. If you’re thinking to try and make a living writing a humor column, there are a few things you need to know:

You’re an idiot. A lot of people will never figure out you’re just joking. Don’t waste your wallet trying to advertise your books on facebook. After all, the people who live their lives on facebook live there because they don’t want to read.

I’ll share a secret with...