Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 12
March 31, 2019
Let’s, Like, Move On & Stuff
(Enough already.)
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Okay, America. I think it’s time. We’ve put this off far too long, and the situation only gets worse the longer we let it go on. It’s time to let England go.
We were able to handle swapping pounds and pence for dollars and cents. We managed to let go of the metric system, mostly because nobody could say “Brady and the Patriots are facing a tough third down and centimeters” with a straight face. We got rid of that whole “royalty” thing, except for the Kennedys.
We’...
Enough Already
(Let’s, like, move on and stuff)
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Okay, America. I think it’s time. We’ve put this off far too long, and the situation only gets worse the longer we let it go on. It’s time to let England go.
We were able to handle swapping pounds and pence for dollars and cents. We managed to let go of the metric system, mostly because nobody could say “Brady and the Patriots are facing a tough third down and centimeters” with a straight face. We got rid of that whole “royalty” thing, except for th...
March 24, 2019
675, 800 & 2020
(No, the other March Madness)
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“Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you.”
— — Pericles
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This week, many Americans probably got distracted from globe-changing events, like the rise in mental illness, or college basketball (yeah, I know). For one thing, we all paused as we eagerly awaited the arrival of our favorite Springtime gift: Mother Nature’s annual blanket of pollen.
And then there’s Daylight Savin...
March 10, 2019
Things You Never Hear
(…or want to…)
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Early morning, in the elevator lobby of a local business park, I noticed the wall panel torn loose below the chair rail and the Wet Floor warning cone, and thought “leak.”
Oh, no. No, no.
“Well, see, an escaped mental patient from the hospital tried to hide in that wall from the police.”
I’m pretty sure that those words, in the long history of talking, have never been strung together in that exact order. And I was there to see it.
The bad part is that it was barely...
February 17, 2019
My Country Tisn’t of Thee
(and grammar rules of which I’m sick of)
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These days, America has a lot to be proud of, if you don’t count dangling prepositions. We have robots that can vacuum, and cars that can crash themselves. We’ve eradicated polio, and personal responsibility. We’ve been to the moon, which is in Arizona. And we’ve learned how to spell “LOL” with our thumbs, thereby guaranteeing a comfy retirement for everyone in upper management at Apple.
But according to recent tests, we’ve badly dropped the...
February 10, 2019
Health Care. Income Equality. Cow Corks.
(Welcome to upotia! Oops.)
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Lewis Black is one of my favorite stand-up comics and social commentators. Once upon a performance, he said to an audience, “I don’t know why I bother doing this anymore. I could just walk out on stage, hold up a newspaper, then say, ‘Thank you, and good night.’”
More and more, Citizen Black is spot on. Speaking as a (much less qualified) humorist, I’m finding it ever harder to make a point by making up stupid scenarios, because no matter how bizarre my i...
February 4, 2019
My, What a Nice Cyst
(A guy’s guide to compliments)
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About a week ago — 24 January, in case you want to write down the date for next year — approximately three people in America observed the not widely known National Compliment Day. (Participation was even lower this year because most people were busy not being unemployed.)
As national holidays go, National Compliment Day is barely old enough to vote. The event was created in 1998 by two females named Debby and Kathy, although these days I probably shou...
January 20, 2019
Just Another Day on Sophomore Island
(The inmates are running the asylum)
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You may (or may not) have noticed that the Federal government, which is approximately 240 years old, is currently dysfunctional. On the other hand, it’s been fairly dysfunctional for approximately 239 years, 11 months. So what’s new? Well, now the government’s sorta kinda closed…and still dysfunctional.
You know, it takes a special kind of stupid to be simultaneously inert and useless, but still expensive.
As I write this, we’re on day twenty-ni...
January 13, 2019
The Day the Musing Died
(Sarcasm is on life support.)
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Journalists, particularly print journalists, call it “burying the lead.” It’s the act (or the art, or the mistake) of beginning a story with less important details, while postponing the main point of the story.
That last paragraph is a perfect example. By talking about the concept of “burying the lead,” I’m burying the lead. Forgive me, New York Times style guide, which brings to mind another fun word: oxymoron.
So let’s get to it. Here’s one of the ma...
January 1, 2019
Pictures in Search of a Caption
