Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion

June 17, 2018

(A skewed salute for Father’s Day)

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In America, this Sunday is Father’s Day, that day when we celebrate the patriarchal foundation of our family by giving him more socks. (“Patriarchal” is an ancient Latin word, loosely translated as “arched head,” which describes that universal look Dads make when you come home past curfew and blame it on Russian collusion.)

For some reason, Dads apparently go through socks (and ties) faster than Bill Clinton’s pizza delivery speed dial. And it’s...

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Published on June 17, 2018 16:01 • 1 view

June 10, 2018

(It’s time for a 12-step program.)

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The madness continues.

TDS, they call it. Trump Derangement Syndrome, diagnosed as a progressive illness presenting in four stages:

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Denial

Trump didn’t win. He’s not my President. Hillary won.

Anger

Look what you Trump supporters have done! You belong in a basket of deplorables! Hillary won, *&!*-!^#.

Isolation

I can’t be your wife anymore, because you are just a great big stupid. I’m, like, defriending you and stuff lol. Like H...
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Published on June 10, 2018 16:01 • 9 views

summit

Reviews were mixed for Kraft’s new product, Macaroni & Head Cheese “It’s not the child’s fault,” countered the social worker. “He was raised near a nuclear reactor.” Tensions mounted as the world leaders insisted on separate checks “No,” barked NSA lead John Bolton. “The protective head shield stays.” “Again with the ‘finish your vegetables or Europe walks’ threat,” sighed the Japanese spokesman. History tells us precious little about CSPAN’s failed reboot, “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner?” “...
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Published on June 10, 2018 12:05 • 3 views

June 3, 2018

(if you need me, I’ll be over here evolving)

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You know the Darwin Awards, yes? Of course you do. (If you don’t, say you do anyway; otherwise, you might get one.)

The Darwin Awards are those unofficial “biped stupidity” prizes, presented in the spirit of Charles Darwin, a nineteenth-century naturalist who got so bored of sailing that he actually wrote a book called The Formation of Vegetable Mould, through the Actions of Worms, a page-turner which sold two copies because he had two...

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Published on June 03, 2018 16:01 • 6 views

May 27, 2018

(Women, I can tell you what guys are thinking: nothing. — Jerry Seinfeld)

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“Absolutely nothing. We’re just walking around, looking around.”

And this week, while walking and looking, here’s some of what I saw:

This just in: According to reporters, a sinkhole has developed on the White House’s North Lawn. Leaders in the Democratic Congressional caucus immediately demanded their own sinkhole. Members of the mainstream media accused President Trump of turf abuse, and Geraldo Rivera wa...
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Published on May 27, 2018 16:01 • 8 views

brain

“They told me to just smile, repeatedly. Whatever happens, they said, just smile.” Obviously, there was some tension In the hours leading up to the world’s first full-skull follicle transplant “And as a gesture of peace between our nations, please accept this extremely large cauliflower.” Obviously, the President was not prepared to be grilled by a large exposed brain. “Okay, what smart guy put the poison ivy on the mantle? “We’ll let the Egyptian ambassador answer your questions in a sec....
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Published on May 27, 2018 13:51

May 20, 2018

(Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans. — John Lennon)

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It was a busy week at life this week, full of tight deadlines, hard decisions, and an unscheduled snake. Unfortunately for you, faithful reader, that means I was unable to dedicate the usual amount of time I set aside for composing a weekly humor column (seven minutes). So here are a bunch of random, disconnected thoughts, loosely culled from this week’s news on Earth.

Yes, most of my thoughts are usually d...

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Published on May 20, 2018 16:01 • 8 views

May 18, 2018

batBabe

Looking back, there was probably a reason Amelia Earhart failed to acquire funding History tells us precious little about Stan Lee’s original superhero concept, Androgynous Bat Person Sadly, the quirky piano protege never noticed the smoke as she agreed to one more encore Donnella delivered the skit’s last soliloquy, and it was clear that vaudeville would never be the same And even as the divorce court judge’s gavel dropped, Alan was still clueless Reviews were mixed for the Aerosmith/Caitl...
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Published on May 18, 2018 13:28 • 6 views

May 13, 2018

(Note: adage approved by MultiGAP)

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All my life, I’ve heard people say, “It takes all kinds.” Way too many people. I wish It would come take them, too.

“It takes all kinds.” What a dulling, defeatist statement. When you see some juvenile thug at the mall yelling at his goth-eyed girl, “It takes all kinds” is not the appropriate response. Mace is the appropriate response. This is also the kind of comment a closet bigot makes when they’re trying to prove how tolerant they are. Beside...

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Published on May 13, 2018 16:01 • 7 views

April 29, 2018

(a brief history of timeline)

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Facebook. It just turned fourteen, making it the youngest juggernaut in history, as well as the only software ever created that’s actually older than the guy who created it.

Facebook. It’s ubiquitous, although at age fourteen it’s not yet old enough to know what “ubiquitous” means. If you haven’t heard of it, you’re lying. In fact, you’re probably logged into it right now, like nearly one out of every three people on this planet, most of whom don’t ca...

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Published on April 29, 2018 16:01 • 13 views