Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 5

Tort & Retort

(the sublime subtlety of insults)
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As far back as I can remember (in other words, since last Tuesday), Ive been told its not polite to be rude. Okay. Maybe it is rude to be rude.

But it sure is fun.

And rude is so subjective. One mans rude is another guys vengeance. What may seem an offhand comment to some might appear to others as poetic justice. Is a barb still a barb if they had it coming? If someone challenges your intelligence, and their challenge is chockful of typos, dont you...

Holiday Misgiving

(the twelve years of Christmas)
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Okay, inmates. As far as we know, were finally working our way through the final month of our 2020 AD incarceration. As far as we know.

But this year, all bets are off.

Im sure by now youve seen the online meme of the guys eager face, excitedly watching a New Years Eve clock tick away the final seconds:

12/31/2020 11:59.55
12/31/2020 11:59.56

almost there

12/31/2020 11:59.57
12/31/2020 11:59.58
12/31/2020 11:59.59

and then

13/01/2020 00:00:01

This year,...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Sheesh, grumbled the applicant at Oprah Winfreys Many Paths Monastery. This is the toughest seminary entrance exam ever. History tells us precious little about Rowlings first effort, Harry Potter and the Half-Breed Nelson I sure hope that guys a referee, mumbled Tommys mother from the bleachers. CNN chose not to cover chapter 2s excerpt from How to Know When the Pentagon Job Interview Is Not Going Well Reviews were mixed for the debut of Dancing with the WWF Network Stars Suddenly, in late...

Felony Dessert

(Be thankful … by yourself)
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Once again, Americans, our country is about to add a unique chapter to our national story. Thanksgiving 2020 may go down in history as the first Thanksgiving where families expressed their thanks after the holidays…

…for not getting arrested.

It goes without saying that China’s 21st-century gift to mankind – a pandemic – has taken a huge toll on civilization, not to mention California. And we’ve been affected in ways that may last for generations, ...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

History tells us precious little about Isaac Newton’s first gravity experiments
Box office receipts were not particularly kind to the franchise’s latest sequel, “Die Hard XXXVI: The Brunch Buffet”
“I understand, Mr. Biden, but your ‘Pelosi Sings The State of the Union Address’ idea went absolutely nowhere with the focus group.”
“I’ll take ten dozen doses,” chuckled the wizard. “Now show me your potions for on-demand drooling.”
“What can I tell you, sir? Regardless of the torture techniques, he...

Okay, Just A Little Fraud

(I’d expect no less from 2020 AD)
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In case you missed it, the 2020 Presidential campaign should be wrapping up really soon now. Like, say, oh, 2022.

The election, in and of itself, is not all that unusual; after all, we do it every four years, and we kill the time in-between those elections by arguing over hundreds of other elections. Nor it is hard to notice that, in the endless question for diversity in American politics, the Presidential nominees are … again … two old white me...

No, It Doesn’t

(notes on my love affair)
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This week, let’s take a break from politics and other viruses to talk about one of my favorite things: English. I love our language. But loving English can be hard to do, much like trying to love Boris Karloff, or kale.

English is beautiful, but tough. For every rule, there’s a “but.” An “unless.” An “except when.”

At the end of the day, my conclusion is this: you can’t learn English; you can only memorize it.

For example, take the letter sequence...

Conduct Unbecoming

(notes from the big house)
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Last week, I went to prison. A little.

I became a virtual inmate, sentenced by facebook to seven days without social media. It’s not so bad, actually, but the food really sucks.

Here’s my crime: I posted a joke on facebook about America’s upcoming Presidential election between (yet another) two old white guys. As you might imagine, it’s something I do all the time, being, you know, the author of a humor column. But it’s still 2020 AD, so nothing is ...

Ice Cold Calls

(Here’s to you, Lenny.)
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Once upon a time, I was a telemarketer. This was long ago, before we had internet or email, when the only way to irritate large numbers of people was over the phone

Unless you were in politics.

I accepted the unholy job because I’d just moved from Southern California to Southern Florida, and I needed work. I left California in an effort to avoid any unpleasant consequences that might arise from abandoning my car on the southbound shoulder of the Santa ...

American Gestalt Graffiti

(This, and that, and stuff)
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I have a confession to make. I’m starting to hate time.

Not all time, mind you … just this ceaseless, nutbag year, 2020 AD – the calendar equivalent of a brutal Monty Python sketch, or a particularly madcap I Love Lucy episode.

It’s endless. To give you some scope, 2020 has seen so many named tropical storms that we ran out of letters in the Latin alphabet and had to begin again, using the Greek alphabet. (When that runs out, I guess NOAA will have...