Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 2

First World Problem-Makers

(Prison vs. the latch thingy)
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As we look around at the world today, I think most people would agree that things aren’t stupid enough.

True, to make things more stupid, we may need to bring in professional help from other planets, or Hollywood, but hey … that’s what Congressional budgets are for.

I found a list online enumerating the most life-disruptive elements faced by Britons and Americans. You won’t believe how little it takes to run some people’s day.

For the record, ...

Looking Good, Dot

(Meme, myself, and mime)
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Happy Birthday, internet!

And that’s how fights begin.

Right now, somebody somewhere online is factchecking me not counting facebook, of course … facebook even factchecks my jokes). And, depending on which Google link that faceless somebody clicks first, they’ll be right.

Until they click the next link.

While searching the internet for a history of itself, I can discover on one single page that the internet was born in 1969, and 1983, and 1989, ...

Olding

(Age before beauty means me first)
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This week, I was granted yet another reminder that I am, as they say, “no spring chicken.” I’m not clear on the exact progression of fowl-based taxonomy, but I’m probably closer to a “late October bantam.”

I had had one of those “oh no” mornings in which you fixate on a grand breakfast but then realize that you’re out of a key ingredient, like butter, or milk, or nitrous oxide. (This is doubly frustrating for single guys, because when we discov...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

NASA decided to reject the astronaut candidate after tests revealed she could only steer left. “Oh, great. Thanks to your meeting invite, I just discovered I’m half deaf.” “I highly enjoyed your shallow, irrelevant comment, in several physical dimensions.” Ultimately, the jaundiced skinhead was forced to admit that tinnitus was the least of his problems. “Dude I’m, like, so lol-ing that it makes your side of my head hurt and, like, stuff.” “I seem to have a dyslexic issue with parentheses...

Foreigner

(Writing on empty)
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If you’ve ever admitted out loud to trying to be a writer, you’ve been told at least once that you should be guided by this advice: “write what you know.” If you dance, then write about dancing. If you fish, then write about fishing, though you might end up standing on a street corner holding out your hat for grocery money. If you dance with fish, them seek some help.

“Write what you know,” they say. This is why politicians shouldn’t write…they know very littl...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

If Congress Were in Charge of Pet CareThe vet was perplexed at the rash of dogs suddenly suffering from atrophied right legsWhat Really Drove Old Yeller CrazyReviews were mixed for Obama’s new recipe collection, “Setting Up a Quick Lunch Buffet”Ecstatic at discovering the “No gods past here” sign, the dyslexic atheist realized she had found her nirvana.You’ve never seen anything like it! Tom Cruise is the Dog Blasphemer! Tonight! On an all-new “Very Small Pets!” “Move the damn sign,” t...

To The Moon, Alice

(One small leap for ma…no, wait)
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Think back, old school. Way, way back. Back when we had only three TV channels, two genders, and one nation under God.

Back when kids went outside to play, boys went to Boy Scouts, and the king of Siam went barefoot. Back when “Piggly Wiggly” described a grocery, not Britney’s latest twerk rave.

This week, fifty-two years ago, using technology with less computer processing power than your average cell phone, mankind first launched a rocket and...

Irrational Misbehavior

(We have nothing to fear but fear of fear.)
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This past week, as I often do, I turned to the daily TV news to find something interesting to laugh at. On that day, their “breaking news” – the top story they could find to cover — was that Wisconsin is apparently very close to naming Colby as their official State Cheese.

It’s globe-altering investigative research like that that makes me proud to have graduated from Journalism school.

So I turned instead to the internet, and discov...

Stop. Look. Listen. Veer.

(Driving tips, updated)
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This year, as America’s Covid clinch begins easing, people in many necks of America are beginning to drive vehicles again. Unfortunately, at least in my neck, they’ve forgotten how.

To be honest, drivers in my part of the country have never been accused of possessing sought-after safe driver qualities, like being cautious, or sane. But then driving in the American South is not a spectator sport. Remember, NASCAR was created at Daytona Beach, in 1948, and ...

Proofreeding Is A Art

(My stupid what?)
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This week, I had to kill a man. But, to be fair, it had to be done.

The crime scene, such as it was, was social media. Some alleged guy (these days, you never know) in an online post, while attempting to insult my intelligence based on his politics, typed “your stupid.” And there it is. As an Old West gunslinger might’ve put it, “I reckon he needed some killin’.” And, just like that, the average IQ of the internet went up two points.

One down…long way to go....