Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 8

Pre-Pop-Apocalypse Quiz

(You might want to hurry)
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Okay, Im gonna go out a limb here. Im gonna assume tha, by now youve heard of social distancing. In fact, if you havent heard of it, then youve actually been doing it, really well, for a really long time.

Here in America, weve all busily practicing social distancing (I cant speak for other countries, because they dont live here.). Social distancing involves not standing close to other people, as if everybody you know was a pickpocket, or had just eaten...

Vote For Me Or You’re A Big Doody

(My, those children are tall! And old.)
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Not long ago, I watched the latest Free Stuff Promises Parade (aka Presidential debate) between the (then) six surviving Democrat candidates, because I care. And because it was either that, or League Bowling.

(For the record, here’s my political stance: I’m fiscally conservative and socially liberal, which means I have friends, but I can’t afford them.)

To call this latest gathering a “debate” is a bit of a stretch. It began as aggravated...

Got A Second?

(Time waits for no pope.)
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I’d like to share a secret with you. Last night, according to the internet, I turned 1.8 billion seconds old. But please keep that a secret, okay?

Why? Because I lied in my latest online dating profile. I said my age was just a few million seconds.

Why did I lie? Because I once entered my real age in a previous, more factual “looking for romance” profile. And the type of woman the online matchmakers kept matchmaking me up with used words I didn’t find the...

Walking Around, Looking Around

(Just some noticings.)
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It’s how one of America’s national treasures, Jerry Seinfeld, once described guys. And let’s be honest, guys — he tagged us.

Jerry Seinfeld, performing live on Broadway years ago, decided to disclose a deep, dark secret about the ‘man’ half of mankind. He asked the females in the audience if they wanted to know what guys were really thinking. And then he broke the news.

“Okay, I’ll tell you what guys are thinking. Nothing. We’re just walking around, looking...

The Weekend That Wasn’t

(Alexa, what are you wearing?)
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Here’s a free insight into the life of single guys: some weekends are more action-packed than others.

This weekend was not one of them.

Contrary to popular myth, most single guys don’t spend their evenings beating back an endless queue of wound-up women hammering on the door. No, single guys burn most of their free time looking for good Chinese takeaway, ignoring ‘replace water filter‘ warnings, and calculating the minimum amount of clothing required...

See Ya Next Year

(This year, I … oh, never mind.)
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So, how’s your new year going? If you’re like many people, you made a New Year’s resolution. A little promise to yourself to fix, improve, or stop something that’s been keeping you from perfection. Because you’re almost there, right?

Right.

If you’re like many people, that target of adorable human perfection always seems to be just a resolution or two away. So every New Year, we give it another stab, because this is the year you claim victory.

...

Unplanned Judaism

(featuring the lost tribe of Whirlpool)
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Heads up, gentle reader. This week’s humor column may lean a bit to the bitter. Because, right now, I’m bitter.

See how it works?

Right now, I’m depressed. Why? — you may be wondering, unless you’re like my kitchen appliances and you just don’t care.

Here’s why: I’ve just learned that I need to run out and buy a new refrigerator, because not so long ago, I ran out and bought a new refrigerator. Okay, it was fifteen years ago, and the...

An Inconvenient Untruth

(I just alienated half the country)
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Okay, I’ll admit it – I can’t ignore the story any longer. As a humorist, I can’t not comment on America’s third-ever impeachment.

So some of you might want to leave now.

For the next few minutes, if you’re one of the nine people in the northern hemisphere who don’t passionately hate President Donald J. Trump, you might laugh. You might have fun, or at least not throw stuff at the TV. In that case, you’re welcome, and thanks for reading.

(No, I...

The Best Job I Ever Had

(Are you dying to make a living?)
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2020 AD. Already. Wow. As Robin Williams used to say, “Tempus really fugits when you’re having fun.”

Actually, time tends to fugit along anyway, regardless of your day’s schedule, but let’s not drag truth into this. As John Lennon used to say, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.”

2020. For over a decade now, I’ve been grappling with the self-inflicted task of writing a weekly humor column, week in, week out.

It doesn’t pay...

Okay, Let’s Try This Again

(Can you redo a whole year?)
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Pardon me? Another scandal? Who now?

Oh. It’s just the Pope.

Last week, Pope Francis slapped a woman. He didn’t slap her in the head, of course; after all, he’s the Supreme Pontiff, not some plaid-sporting televangelist. But … still.

It’s been that kind of year, hasn’t it? This rapidly-receding twelve-month slog called 2019 was basically a big bucket of they did WHAT?

And the collection of personal and professional scandals this past year reads like a...