Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 11

Old Faithful East

(Want weird? As always, Florida delivers.)
~-~-~-~-~-~

If you’ve ever tried writing a humor column, every nagging week, nagging week in and nagging week out, over time you come to know and appreciate some new concepts: things like masochism, self-inflicted hobby, and “potentially libelous.” No need to thank me … it’s the price we pay for sharing.

You’ll also discover, as a dogged hunter of humor, that some weeks on the job are easier than others. Certainly, there are boom times: some stories p...

Theirs No They’re There

(Life in a guilt-free zone)
~-~-~-~-~-~

Years ago, in a humor column titled Know Your Blood Typo, I introduced you to an imaginary woman named Spelladonna. Yes, I was taking pain medications at the time, but let’s not get distracted by healthcare here.

If I may quote:

~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
Spelladonna is not necessarily a female. I refer to Spelladonna as “her” for purely economic reasons: I created her, and I created this humor column, and I’m not getting paid much for either. But that’s oka...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Facing flagging interest in the shot put competition, the Olympic Committee decided to hand out tickets at the mallIt took several interpreters to finally conclude that his upper back tattoo was Vulcan for “MAMA TRIED”As the team walked down to the pool, enthusiasts quickly realized that Synchronized Swimming would never be the sameReviews were mixed for the ape-man reboot, “Jane Identifies As Tarzan”As the disappointed gamer removed his virtual headset, he was drawn to an eerily familiar ta...

Stuff That’s Not My Fault

(Life in a guilt-free zone)
~-~-~-~-~-~

Let’s be honest. If you’re a single guy like me, you’re probably used to apologizing for (or at least, regretting) a lengthy list of social or fashion faux pas. (faux pases? faux passes? five pas?)

And unless you’re a career single guy – someone of advanced age who’s just given up the fight and donated his ego to a Goodwill store – you dread the next pas.

Again, let’s be honest. Every one of us non-attached, non-coached, non-monitored single guys have...

Weren’t We Just Here?

(Visit sunny Ostrogoten!)
~-~-~-~-~-~

Look, America. That odd Saturday is here again. That weird weekend when we serve up a strange amalgam of horses and hooch, wide hats and wagering. Yes, it’s the Kentucky Derby.

On this day, somewhere in some confused United State that thinks grass should be blue, nineteen steeds will allow short men wearing silk to sit on them and slap their butts for two minutes while running in a circle. And if you think that’s confusing to you, imagine how the horses f...

Sound and Fury, Signifying Nothing

(What if you threw a party and everybody came?)
~-~-~-~-~-~

Here’s some wild and crazy news. Next year, Americans will again vote for a President, and the three leading contenders are old white men.

The current Oval Office wrangler, of course, is President Trump, an admittedly aged guy who’s known for three things: He’s the oldest person to have been President He’s the oldest person to have orange hair He’s the oldest person to have been named after a Spades maneuver

So, there’s Donald. And t...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Unfortunately, the toy store’s “Coney Claus” Christmas campaign never really caught on “No, idiot. HAIR Club for Men. Not hare … HAIR!” History tells us precious little about Olan Mills’ first assistant. “Lucky rabbit’s foot, eh? Wellll, let’s see how YOU two like limping.” Obviously, Grandpa had gone off his meds again. “Believe me: once that new nanny settled in, those kids soon learned to behave.” Less than a week in, the State’s witness was having serious second thoughts about the Witne...

Jarping with Ostara

(An American tale of children, mutant rabbits, and flak jackets)
~-~-~-~-~-~

Looking for ways to add some spice to your next Easter Egg Hunt? Here’s an idea: call in an air strike.

Not long ago, my church held its annual Easter Egg Hunt, and I had a chance to volunteer my valuable services, which begin with my uncanny ability to recognize an egg, and end with my unmatched talent of being able to spot an entirely different egg. Obviously, my church family welcomed my participation; after all, c...

Space Selfies

(The whole black hole)
~-~-~-~-~-~

Ladies and gentlemen, and the rest of however many genders we have this week, it looks like science has done it again. Earth’s EHT (Event Horizon Telescope) has produced the first-ever photo of a black hole!

Oddly enough, it’s shaped like a hole. Guess what color it is.

To capture the photograph, the EHT focused on the center of some galaxy known as Messier 87 (M87), so I suppose somewhere out there, there are at least 86 other Messier galaxies. That’s like o...

Spring Cleaning

(A little clutter clear-out)
~-~-~-~-~-~

I don’t know about you (I barely know about me), but at least once a year I have to shove a garden hose in my ear and flush out all the odd, lingering “Did you ever notice?” thoughts that plague me. You know, odd stuff you hear, or see, or see people do, or hear that people did.

I personally choose to do it every Spring. Hey, it beats vacuuming.

So, here we go…

~-~-~-~-~-~
~-~-~-~-~-~

When sour cream expires, does it go good?

~-~-~-~-~-~

I know a guy w...