Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 13

How The Trump Stole Christmas

(What’d he do now?)
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President Trump.

In the history of this nation, no four syllables have triggered more fear and loathing amongst the American media … at least not since medical science coined the expression “bowel blockage.”

November 2016. It was a stunner. Against all odds, Donald Trump – a businessman who evidently took up politics as a hobby – was elected President of the United States. And in the ensuing two years since The Donald dope-slapped Hillary “It’s my turn, dang it...

Home Ownership & Other Bruises

(How to be broke. And deaf.)
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Question: do you rent or own?

This is one of those choices we all make at least once in life, and it’s a decision that’s not as simple as it seems, like eating pizza after 10pm at your age. Renting an apartment has its ups, and it has its downs…but so does buying a house, if you have 30 years to kill and no interest in disposable income.

One of the advantages of renting is its list of don’ts:

You don’t have to pay property taxesYou don’t have to pay p...

Rudolph Considers Bleach

(The PC police raid Christmas)
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It was a busy week at life this week, full of missed deadlines, a Southern blizzard, and a confused stock market that seemed determined to make more moves than a convention of Elvis impersonators.

Unfortunately for all you faithful readers (my Dad and … um … no, it’s pretty much just him), that means I was unable to dedicate the time I usually set aside for composing each week’s humor column (ten minutes). So here are some collected observations cull...

Observing a Single-arity

(One man’s survival story)
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I’m single. Many guys are. I’m also stupid. Many guys are, um, hoping I’ll move on.

And I probably should move on. But, as somebody stupid just pointed out, I’m stupid.

You can find lots of single guys out there. For example, the Apostle Paul was single, though some liberals insist we believe that St. Paul was gay. I’ll have to admit I missed that discussion in theology class. One thing Paul was not: stupid. The man spoke at least four languages, wrote n...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

True, the witch was tough, but then Hansel’s home life was no bed of roses. Reviews were mixed over the newspaper’s “Free Child With Every Subscription” promo. Admittedly, “Hide & Seek” was not Timmy’s strongest suit. “How ’bout now? Can you read it NOW?” History tells us precious little about the first draft of “A Christmas Story” “Look, honey! Grandma got you a new blankie!” Preheat the oven, then loosely wrap the toddler. Add onions and witch-meal to taste. Aunt Jorell belched, then slur...

Black Hole Friday

(Hope you have a Merry Layaway!)
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Time Travel.

Once upon a time (sorry), Einstein said it couldn’t be done. This year, thanks to Christmas advertising, capitalism told Einstein to get back on the bus.

They’ve done it — Marketing has altered the very fabric of time. The proof? Check out this subject line from an emailed ad:

BLACK FRIDAY WEEK BEGINS MONDAY!!!

Black Friday Week.

Every year, a little earlier. A little longer. A little insultinger.

Long, long ago in America, Thanksgivi...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Moving slowly, the fireman whispered into his radio: “Chief, you remember that call about a cat stuck in a tree?” History tells us precious little about civilization’s first pole dancer Reviews were mixed for the Spielberg reboot, “Jurassic Squirrel” Tonight! On an all-new “Stupid Predator Tricks!” “Then,” snickered the Savanna beast, “we told him it was an apple tree!” Ultimately, Leo won a spot in the Zodiac, despite the other constellations’ intense lobbying As the pastel blue painting n...

Breathe. Just Breathe.

(Vote for me! Twice!)

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Okay, it’s over. Now — let’s begin again.

In case you were wondering what all those loud, rude noises were about over the past several weeks, America has just finished another mid-term election.

Well … let me rephrase that: we’ve finished the voting part. The vote counting part could go on for several more decades.

There’s a reason. Everybody everywhere is lying.

The 2018 mid-term election was the most critical election of our lifetime. We know that, because...

Cultural Idling

(Going to Disney World? Don’t inhale.)

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Like most of you out there, I’m proud to be an American. But let’s face it — some days are better than others. And when it comes to the proud arena of shining accomplishments in American culture, this past week was … um … really lame.

To give you some perspective, these are last week’s high points:

A geyser at Yellowstone National Park erupted, which is not news, and spewed decades of visitor-tossed trash, which is. Somebody has created a sm...

John Wayne Gets Confused

(Senator, your phenotype is showing)
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Looking back, I suppose we should’ve seen it coming. After all, it’s nearly Halloween, and it’s an election year. So, naturally, a Massachusetts Senator decided to dress up like an Indian.

The costume was not very impressive.

Because now, in case you haven’t heard, the verdict is in. According to the recently released results of a DNA test, the selectively indigenous Senator Elizabeth Warren could be — could be — 1/1032 Native American. That’s...