Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 15

Expensive Bargains

(Now with 10% more immortality!)

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I’ll admit it. My very vocal, outraged opinions about almost all advertising are no secret, as you know if you’re a regular visitor here at the diaTribe, or if you’re my next-door neighbors. There’s just something about expressions like “It’s the first and only…” or “Absolutely free! You just pay a separate fee!” that are — I don’t know — uncivilized.

“This amazing product is the first and only automated ant abdomen dicer!” Stop it. “First and only...

Night of the Misspelling Bee

(Call now! Witches are standing by!)

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Astronomically speaking, this past week was, to use the technical term, a lulu. Astrologically speaking, it was a lulu, too, though those zodiac-oriented hard-science professionals prefer “humdinger.” This month, Earthlings got to see a blood moon … during the longest lunar eclipse of the century … while the planet Mars sneaked in so close to us that California designated Earth a sanctuary planet and gave Mars free health care and in-state coll...

Who Loves Ya, Theyby?

(They’re good people, eventually)

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It was almost 4am, and the maternity ward waiting room at Boston’s No Saints Allowed Hospital was empty, save for one stereotypically-pacing adult male. Andro Skrope pecked distractedly at a smart phone while waiting for the relationship’s spousal cohabitant to deliver their twins.

Awkward sentence structures, I know. “…while he waited for his wife…” would’ve been much clearer and more succinct. But you see, Andro and Martellin Skrope have offici...

Whirled News

(The best shenanigans are global shenanigans)

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This past week, America seemed to be everywhere on Earth, except the World Cup. We found the POTUS in Europe, the SecState in Mexico, and the FBI attempting to invade Moscow.

Our lovely FLOTUS traveled with POTUS, while here at home (HOTUS) we all yelled at each other about SCOTUS and abortions (FETUS). This was not one of our finest moments. (FMOTUS)

Here are some other observations and discoveries:

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The US Just...

Green Women & the Grocery of Gloom

(This week, I shoulda stood in bed)

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As weeks go, this one has been particularly gloomy. For one thing, it rained about twenty-five separate times. Also this week, I had to kill a woman.

In my defense, she had it coming. The sign on the pole at the express lane clearly read “TEN ITEMS OR LESS.” And to make matters worse, after she stopped twitching, I had to walk to my car … in the rain.

To be honest, this was the first time I’ve actually delivered any vigilante justice at the groc...

Still, No Flying Cars

(C’mon, Universe. I’m running out of time.)

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Aging.

Like Churchill’s alleged quip about democracy, “It’s the worst possible option, except for all the others.”

The official Unites States of America is now roughly two-and-a-half centuries old. I’m officially sixty. That means I’ve been around for about a quarter of our nation’s entire lifetime, and I’ve yet to hear Hillary tell the truth. And in my time, I’ve seen and heard lots of weird things come and go. (Not Hillary, of course —...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

“Why is this truck always in front of me?” History tells us precious little about the Pentagon’s “Log Cabin to Nowhere” Tired of Congressional opposition on a border wall, President Trump mows down the Petrified Forest Reviews were mixed for the latest reboot, “Jurassic Wood World” Homeland Security purchases bulk hardwood for switches to spank illegal alien children Little did Ed in Whte House procurement realize FDR’s fondness for fireside chats Toothpick stocks skyrocket as thousands of...

Unplanned Obsolescence

(A skewed salute for Father’s Day)

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In America, this Sunday is Father’s Day, that day when we celebrate the patriarchal foundation of our family by giving him more socks. (“Patriarchal” is an ancient Latin word, loosely translated as “arched head,” which describes that universal look Dads make when you come home past curfew and blame it on Russian collusion.)

For some reason, Dads apparently go through socks (and ties) faster than Bill Clinton’s pizza delivery speed dial. And it’s...

More Stuff That’s Trump’s Fault

(It’s time for a 12-step program.)

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The madness continues.

TDS, they call it. Trump Derangement Syndrome, diagnosed as a progressive illness presenting in four stages:

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Denial

Trump didn’t win. He’s not my President. Hillary won.

Anger

Look what you Trump supporters have done! You belong in a basket of deplorables! Hillary won, *&!*-!^#.

Isolation

I can’t be your wife anymore, because you are just a great big stupid. I’m, like, defriending you and stuff lol. Like H...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Reviews were mixed for Kraft’s new product, Macaroni & Head Cheese “It’s not the child’s fault,” countered the social worker. “He was raised near a nuclear reactor.” Tensions mounted as the world leaders insisted on separate checks “No,” barked NSA lead John Bolton. “The protective head shield stays.” “Again with the ‘finish your vegetables or Europe walks’ threat,” sighed the Japanese spokesman. History tells us precious little about CSPAN’s failed reboot, “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner?” “...