Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 18

Be More Not Boring!

(Notes on getting fired, and other things to avoid)

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This week, I learned something useful. And, of course, by “useful” I mean “lets me stay in bed for another hour.”

I’m a simple man.

Here’s what I discovered: the morning “news” shows, like NBC’s Today, CBS This Morning, and the Fox News Network’s Fox & Friends all serve an important purpose: they are highly accurate Disaster Barometers. Here’s how it works — when you wake up each morning, turn on one of the morning shows. If the...

Customer Dissatisfaction

(Why you should keep an eye on your neighbors)

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Today is the first day of February, 2018. And this week, I’m pleased to say, I was finally able to get my house completely repaired from hail storm damage. Practically ancient hail storm damage.

The aforementioned hail storm screeched through here last March. Last Thursday, the roofers and repairmen finally finished fixing me.

It didn’t take this long to beat Hitler.

Granted, this was no “normal” hail storm, whatever normal means when...

Partial Pandas & Sorority Shrimp

(Hi, I’m non-essential. You?)

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It’s here.

It actually happened. It began Friday at midnight: the dreaded, end-of-all-life-on-Earth “government shutdown.” Gnash. Wail. Rend garments. It’s here.

I thought I’d better let you know, so you don’t run out for Chinese food and miss that whole “end of mankind” thing.

Yes, exactly one year after President Donald Hashtag took office and singlehandedly infected the mainstream media with projectile hatred, the nearly entire federal government a...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Researchers have confirmed that ibuprofen is, in fact, a gateway drug “Well, isn’t that typical?” barked the first-born. “My brother gets his own human. Me? A red chew toy.” History tells us precious little about Tylenol’s original ad campaign ADT announces its new “Canine Defense Fence” package Reviews were mixed for the Disney reboot, “Old Yeller’s Migraine.” Fortunately, at least one of the mammals noticed the looming poltergeist behind the stairway wall. No, Santa, we did NOT get the “r...

A Brief History of the Bigly Loo

(Some notes on the thrones of power)

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Not long ago, in a heady, madcap rush of home ownershipness, I upgraded my toilets. Yes, you will be allowed to drop by and witness the glory, but like the rest of the crowd, you’ll need to wait your turn. Get in line.

In defense of this week’s focus, I suppose I should include a brief disclaimer: on the planet where humor columnists come from, this past week has been what is referred to as a “slow news cycle.” To be sure, last week’s news stil...

An 80% Chance of Lizards

(I remember when it only rained cats and dogs)

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It’s being called “one of the strongest winter storms in modern history.” Other meteorological experts are declaring it “the most explosive East Coast storm ever observed.” And of course, there’s always that one guy in your office whose comment will be, “So. Cold enough for ya?”

Yes, you should beat him to death with a ream of printer paper. No jury would convict.

But weatherman-induced hyperbole aside, this winter’s arctic-like event...

Perpetual Fur Trappers

(Idaho. Dark, yes. But it’s a dry dark.)

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Heads up, American homeowners! The verdict is in, and it’s a bit of a surprise. The newest best place to live isn’t on either coast, or on either border. It’s not New York, or California, or Florida, or Hugh Hefner’s green room. It’s not Key West, where people catch marlin, or Cleveland, where rivers catch fire, or Chicago, where the police never catch anybody.

Welcome to Idaho.

Yes, Idaho. This northwestern destination has become the faste...

The Pirates of Lawn Care

(Trim those sails! And that shrubbery!)

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Once again, it’s late December in America – the happiest season of all – and we know what that means: Christmas marketing tie-ins, year-end marketing tie-ins, and bowl game marketing tie-ins.

(At this time of year, there’s also a great deal of political shrieking about where people can display a crèche, which is a French word that either means the Nativity manger, a nursery, or a bunch of baby birds. Of course, this is the kind of confusing...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Fans reported a loud ‘bang’ just before the blimp embarrassed itself After initial trials, NASA admitted they still had work to do on the first interplanetary condom Reviews were mixed for the Spielberg sequel, ET IT: the Extra-Terrestrial’s Intestinal Turbulence The Pentagon refused to comment as North Korea test-launched its latest weapon, the Intercontinental Ballistic Minnow History tells us precious little about Herman Melville’s original transcript, Moby Richard Near the end of their...

The Defenseless Fence Defense

(Not naked, your honor…allegedly naked)

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Ever dreamed of visiting Fresno, California? I know…calm down, go to the back of that long, long line, and wait your turn. It’s the holiday choice for countless vacation-seeking families … especially families who love plants, but hate pants.

You know, for someone like me – someone who trolls the papers and the internet in order to write a weekly humor column – America rarely disappoints.

Based on police dispatches filed this last year in Fre...