Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 22

Weak in the News III

(a week when 45 turned 71)

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For this week’s humor column, I don’t have to do much. I’m just going to point out some of the actual stories in the news, ’cause I don’t think I can make up anything funnier.

As a humor columnist, some weeks that’s about all I have to do – just point to stuff in the newspaper, then thank the audience, walk off stage and go back to my hotel. Mission accomplished. Cash the check.

Among other things, President Trump had a birthday this past week. Let’s sta...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

“Mom! Hey, Mom! Have you seen my puppy?” Here in the harsh Australian outback, parents often have to choose a single fledgling “You don’t believe me? Why, it’s raining cats and dogs!” exclaimed Chicken Little. Admittedly, North Korea’s first Chik-fil-A struggled with finding the right menu “Could somebody please get this chicken off my back?” Reviews were mixed for “Childhood Trauma: the Old Yeller Prequel” Social progressives insisted that dogs have every right to identify as poultry Late...

Headwinds

(I think I think, therefore I think I am)

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Oops. It’s that time again. Spring is almost over, and I’ve fallen behind on my housekeeping…not to mention my headkeeping. I’m late, again, for spring-cleaning my skull. I need to take out the garbage…in my head.

Is cleaning out my head culturally significant? Does it matter to society at large? Well, who am I to say. But last year, I never got around to it, and look who got elected President.

As I’ve mentioned before, it’s just something...

Non-Universal Untruth

(It’s not what’s reported; it’s what’s repeated.)

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Well, America, here we go again. As our celebrity-obsessed culture ceaselessly searches for ways to out-silly each other, we have a new euphemism. From now on, lying will no longer be called lying.

Lying is now known as “fake news.”

Fake news. Heck, the term itself is fake. In the radio/television/newspaper world, “news” means stuff that’s happened since the last time we told you about stuff that happened. You can’t have fake news...

100

(On 45 at 1600 in 2017)

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Hey, watch this.

“Donald Trump.”

Aaaaand…boom. About half of the people settling in to read this week’s humor column just left the room. If somebody could figure out how to bottle President Trump, we could market it as Democrat repellant. Maybe call it Lib-B-Gon.

But despite the ongoing epidemic that some have come to call Trump Derangement Syndrome, the man has now been President of the United States for one hundred days. (Democrat translation: Donald Trum...

Blazing Lawnmower Saddles

(Hey, y’all, watch this!)

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Not long ago, somewhere in Georgia, a guy (of course it was a guy) got really, really bored and killed his lawnmower.

Okay you’re right – claiming the guy was bored is an assumption on my part – but it makes the facts in this weird news story easier to swallow.

Facts like these:

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Understand: the guy didn’t just unload a few rounds into his Snapper in a blind moment of mowed rage. No, first he intentionally packed the lawnmower with e...

Welcome to Flight Club

(it was a rough week for tuna, too)

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Last week, Earth was a violent place…even for Earth. Afghanistan got beat up by a hell-maker known fondly as the Mother of All Bombs;, North Korea threatened to beat up the USA, and here at home, a major airline beat up a paying passenger.

The US military’s Massive Ordnance Air Blast (MOAB, aka the Mother of All Bombs) is the largest non-nuclear explosion ever detonated, if you don’t count the noises Winston Churchill used to make after getting...

Got A Second?

(Time waits for no pope.)

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I’d like to share a secret with you. Last night, according to the internet, I turned 1.8 billion seconds old. But please keep that a secret, okay?

Why? Because I lied in my latest online dating profile. I said my age was just a few million seconds.

Why did I lie? Because I entered my real age in a previous, more factual “looking for romance” profile. And the women the online matchmakers kept pairing me with used words I didn’t find the least bit romantic;...

Staving Off Masculinity, Part II

(A bad week that got better)

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Author’s Note: Some of you will recall the original “Staving Off Masculinity” column, published in May 2009, that described my attempts to get a home security system installed without sacrificing any Single Guy macho points (actually, the security system was installed over 15 years ago).
Here’s a snip:

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Moving past the initial insanity — that I let a total stranger in to pitch the system, and then proceeded to point out all the way...

Is Your Heart Stupid?

(When Harry Manipulated Sally)

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Here’s a news flash. Your heart has a head. And your head has an empathy muscle.

Congratulations! You’re now qualified to work in middle management.

See, there’s a brand new trend in corporate management known as “Emotional Intelligence.” (True, there’s a brand new trend in corporate management about every other week, but that kind of attitude will get you nowhere, young man.) According to a publication named Psychology Yesterday (okay, that’s not th...