Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 20

No Jury Would Convict

(Some folks just need killin’)
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Last week, I had to face freeway driving in America…twice. It was a vile, violent experience, and now my soul is soiled. But on the plus side, I got to slay seven morons, while getting excellent mileage.

So the week wasn’t a total loss.

Actually, I just picked the seven victims at random from the plentiful pool of potential perps in last weekend’s South Carolina freeway traffic. There were multiple dozens of potential “justifiable homicide” candidate...

Getting A.head

(Why Communist monkeys look so nervous)

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Last week, as usual, I was thumbing through papers, magazines, and internet listings, looking for something silly enough to star in this week’s humor column – an exercise that, given the current state of what passes for “culture” in America, usually takes about 12 seconds. And, as usual, American culture didn’t disappoint. Here’s the headline that grabbed my attention:

HUMAN HEAD TRANSPLANT DELAYED

I hope somebody remembered to tell the reci...

Meetings & Other Tragedies

(Okay, let’s go with “Jeremiah was a bullfrog.” Adjourned.)

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Every weekday morning, I suppose, most of us have to get up, leave home and go somewhere to work, unless you’re in prison, or Congress, or both. And usually, this dulling morning routine involves minor irritations like shaving, or putting on clothes. Or both.

Some people, though not many, have the delicious option of working from home, also known as “telecommuting” (a Wharton Business School term that means “attending a p...

The Devil Went Down to…Scotland?

(Three score candles. Ouch.)

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A few days ago, I turned sixty. It’s a weird feeling, being older than the speed limit.

But there it is. In fact, I’m somehow older than many things that I shouldn’t be. I’m older than…

two stars on the US flag rap music my doctor my doctor’s parents

When I was born, there were only 48 United States. Mankind had not yet landed on the moon, which would turn out to be just a desert in Arizona. Computers were the size of frat houses, and about as intell...

Kneelers, Steelers, and Squealers

(New toys, large boys, big noise)

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Some weeks, I don’t have to actually write a humor column. Some weeks, I can just look around at events in the news and then, when I quit giggling, file a report.

This has been one of those weeks.

Witness:
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Late-night talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel, who is allegedly funny, had to retract several derogatory comments about Congressional attempts to overhaul healthcare, after reporters discovered that Kimmel was dating NY Senator Ch...

Hillary & the Poultry Apocalypse

(It takes a village…idiot.)

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Look, America. Look. Already, there’s another one. Hillary “The People’s Uterus” Clinton has released yet another biography.

That’s right. In case you missed the press releases from the New York Times, and the near-orgasmic excitement from MSNBC and the cast of “The View,” America’s favorite political pantsuit has unleashed a 512-page manifeminesto proving, yet again, that everybody in the Milky Way knows why Hillary lost the election…except Hillary.

Al...

…And Then He Hit Me, Again

(sarcasm karma can leave a mark)

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I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, I bruise easily, so I know fairly quickly when I’ve done something stupid.

The bad news is, I have a boatload of bruises.

Obviously, I’m a slow learner.

Don’t misunderstand. These are not necessarily “contact injury” bruises, though as I get older I do seem to get clumsier by the week. It’s ridiculous. I’ll successfully negotiate the same bathroom light switch I’ve reached for 500 times, an...

I Was a Teenage Cryptid. Okay, Not Really.

(Wemba-Wemba)

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Cryptids. They’re everywhere. But not really.

In Scotland, the local cryptid is known as the Loch Ness Monster. In the Himalayas, natives know it as the Yeti, or, as someone I used to know in high school put it, the Abdominal Snowman. (I have no idea how that guy from high school turned out, but I’m guessing he’s now selling used cars.)

People in western Java insist on the presence of the Ahool, which the Javanese themselves describe as “giant unknown bats.” (Persona...

Don’t Miss Our Gigantic Totality White Sale!

(how Cheez-its saved my eyesight)

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Two minutes.

That’s it. Two minutes. The first American coast-to-coast solar eclipse in nearly a century…the most media-hyped event since Bill Clinton didn’t not have sex…and it was over before you could properly poach an egg.

A few seriously senior senior citizens have been waiting for this now for 99 years, and it lasted two minutes. That’s less time than it takes actor/activist Sean Penn to punch somebody in the face for not supporting peace.

T...

Us Versus Us

(America vs. Trump vs. Asia vs. America)

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This past week, in a college town in America, black people who were never slaves confronted white people who were never Nazis over statues of dead guys who were once involved in what might be history’s craziest oxymoron: a war that was civil.

And in the aftermath … now hold on to something … the mainstream media focused on the response from Donald Trump, the most hated conservative President since, um, well, since the last conservative Pres...