Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 24

No, the OTHER Left

(how I became an android in 3 easy payments)

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I don’t know what Santa Claus brought all of you for Christmas this year, but I got a shiny new pseudophakia.

Try to control your emotions. Don’t be jealous.

It all started when I went for my yearly eye exam, an annual bit of non-negotiable discipline to which I fervently adhere, every three or four years. My world-class insurance company (Big Tony’s Health Insurance & Same-Day Auto Detailing) only offered me two “in-network” eye doctor...

MTV, PhD, LOL

(Because a mind is a terrible thing.)

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Here’s a solid candidate for Oxymoron of the Year: MTV News.

That’s right – MTV, the ground-breaking video peddlers who’ve done more to destroy music in my lifetime than The Roseanne Barr Christmas Album, is now delivering “news” to any American mush-heads out there who aren’t busy thumb-typing.

And, bristling as they are with decades of rock-solid journalistic credentials, MTV recently unleashed – to whatever eight people actually get their n...

You Want a Fry With That?

(Hoity: $14. Toity is extra.)

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Last Friday night I went out to eat with some friends, to kick of the Christmas weekend. (Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend anyone by saying “weekend.”)

One especially sadistic friend — I don’t talk to her anymore — suggested we dine at a new, rave-reviewed, five-star steakhouse downtown. I’ll give you a quick clue where this is going: the rave-reviewed, five-star wallet extraction specialists unashamedly charged NINE DOLLARS for French fries. They did t...

Pretty Ugly, More or Less

(How big is a yea, anyway?)

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It occurred to me this week, while burying another door-to-door salesman who wants to replace my roof, that mankind has spent an inordinate amount of time over the years doing two things: killing each other, and measuring stuff.

But since it’s the holiday season, let’s play down the “killing each other” part. Let’s focus on the measurements. Measuring stuff has been intriguing us for millennia: remember, Noah was able to build an ark to spec, without be...

The Twelve Days of Not Saying ‘Christmas’

(Burl Ivanhoe?)

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Yule. What a nice, non-threatening word. It’s actually an archaic term for “Christmas,” but don’t tell anybody that. We wouldn’t anyone to get offended by Christmas at Christmas.

For many people, one of the best things about Christmas – and one of the worst – is Christmas music. No holiday has generated more music than Christmas, except maybe National Karaoke Week. And it’s wonderful music, mostly, with a few uncomfortable spasms sprinkled in. For example, there’s...

Bombs, Bags & Rhinos

(Maybe it’s San Andreas’ fault)

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Every now and then, people like me who try to write funny stuff without getting arrested are handed a gift. We get tossed a hot lead, lobbed a slow pitch. Every so often, a humor column just seems to write itself, as if it were an eyewitness account from Hillary of something that never happened.

As a writer, it’s easy to recognize. You know you’ve received one of those gifts when you’re writing as fast as you can type, and you suddenly realize you’v...

A River Named Denial

(It’s not whether you win or lose, as long as you win)

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Now that the Presidential election is over, I think I’m going to move to Scotland. After all, all the smart, beautiful people are threatening to leave any America that has no Hillary at the helm, and they’re mostly heading for Canada. I want to be smart and beautiful, too…but with less pouting. So I’m thinking Scotland.

As we speak, vast migrating herds of pouting pundits and sullen celebrities are apparently about to descend...

So Long, Peter Pan

(I’m now older than my doctor. That’s just wrong.)

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Okay, here’s the good news: if you’re reading this, you’re getting older. That’s what live people do, unless they’re Dick Clark.

I won’t trouble you with the bad news right now, because right now, half of you are googling “Dick Clark” on your smartphone with your thumbs.

Personally, I know I’m getting older, because I’m experiencing all those attractive side-effects getting older offers. For example, at my church some people are c...

45

(Bill Clinton’s gonna need a raise.)

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Well, it’s finally over. On 8 November, 2016, the oddest election in US history concluded, and it’s finally over. Over, that is, except for the hate speech, the protests and riots, the doomsday scenarios, and the mass exodus of Hollywood to Canada.

In other news this week, Godzilla turned sixty-two. Why is that relevant? Because compared to Democrats and Republicans during this last election, Godzilla and Tokyo got along great.

Yes, after two y...

Abby Redux XII

(Everybody’s favorite straight-shooter is back!)

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It’s been a year and an half since we last heard from Abby Redux, America’s favorite jaded advice columnist. In that time, we’ve experienced several amazing things here in America:

Britain decided to leave the European Union after Greece tried to borrow ten bucks from a guy in France. In the Presidential election primaries, Donald J. Trump managed to beat out the entire slate of Republican hopefuls, which at last count was over 18,...