Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 27

Idiots for Dummies

(Oops! No, let him get up by himself.)

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Lately, America has developed a disturbing trend – a sharp uptick in the number of nitwits. This worrying swell of stupid has been well-documented, according to official sources who monitor these sorts of things (me, and a friend of mine).

Mind you, we’re talking here about pedestrian morons, not the professional public pinheads in business, entertainment, and politics. We’re not pointing out (at least, not today) TV executives who make progr...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Egomaniac Attempts To Date His Own Face. Film at eleven. Later today, Oprah welcomes yoga master Hertzo Guud! Dateline 1481: Spanish Inquisition announces new “Make ’em Talk” campaign A Fruit-of-the-Loom spokesman has denied all claims of elastic waist-band malfunction. Guitarist James Taylor Maimed In Bizarre Open Tuning Experiment Reviews were mixed for Dr. Scholl’s new antiperspirant/athlete’s foot combo product Olympic hopeful injured after misreading shot-put manual Unfortunately, Dave...

DWI (Dating While Inhaling)

(I love you…what was your name again?)

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Well, the numbers are in! And it looks like online dating not only works; it’s become wildly popular…even among married people. So now, it’s inevitable that our selfie-self-obsessed society move on to the next fad: online divorcing.

But until somebody comes up with that website, it’s worth nothing that online dating has started to move into niche marketing – very specialized partner matching for partner shoppers with specific partner desires....

Behold the Bookends of Bliss

(Does Harriet Tubman cause homosexuality?)

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I need to share with you a couple things I saw on facebook … since, you know, because they’re on facebook, they’re true.

At first glance, these two things won’t seem to have anything in common. But they do. They point out a very scary trend: more and more people are getting their news from facebook, the largest social media platform in the universe, if you don’t count Hillary’s pantsuits.

According to a new study, over 60% of Millennials...

A Boy Renamed Sue

(Crackers. Crayons. Cross-dressing.)

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Remember the good old days, when children had childhoods? Well, I hope you took plenty of pictures, ’cause childhood just got cancelled.

Yes, America. Thanks to the gentle guidance of President Barack “Congress, Shmongress” Obama and the Federal Gender Identity Police, your elementary school children will soon be sharing the same bathroom, regardless of hateful, bigoted, outdated biology concepts like “girls” and “boys.”

Apparently, lots of con...

Life’ll Kill Ya

(Dangers. Hazards. Tropical fruit.)

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Yeah, I know, I know. Warren Zevon said it first.

In fact, Life’ll Kill Ya was the title (and the title track) of his tenth album. I remember. This was back in the good old days, when musicians still used actual music in their music, instead of just a lot of loops and yelling. Oh, bands still got angry back then, but they remembered to use chords, too.

But Warren was right: life’ll kill ya. And, in fact, the “Excitable Boy” – the man who gave us...

Eden, Revisited

(Honey, grab the kids. Ed’s weeding again.)

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Yes, Virginia. There is a World Naked Gardening Day.

Imagine it. It’s a lovely weekend morning in May. You grab a hot cup of coffee, sling on your bathrobe, and shuffle out to the curb to fetch the paper. And there’s your neighbor, Ed, pruning a Japanese maple, stark bloody naked.

Ed, not the maple. Ed’s naked. Trees rarely have an agenda.

“Mornin’!” chirps Ed, who is way more pale than you knew. Or cared to. “Good-lookin’ day!”

don’t lo...

Blazing Lawnmower Saddles

(Hey, y’all, watch this!)

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A month ago, somewhere in Georgia, a guy (of course it was a guy) got really, really bored and killed his lawnmower.

Okay you’re right – claiming the guy was bored is an assumption on my part – but it makes the facts in this weird news story easier to swallow.

Facts like these:

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Understand: the guy didn’t just unload a few rounds into his Snapper in a blind moment of mowed rage. No, first he intentionally packed the lawnmower with exp...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

“Hey, Dad! This weekend, can I borrow the dinghy?” Sadly, Ann had never considered the need for a vertical restraining order. Real Estate Tip #715: Never consider a property if the listing recommends visiting at high tide Tonight! On an all-new “Lifestyles of the Rich and Xenophobic!” “Oh, this’ll be like the most awesome selfie EVER! Let’s just take one step ba…aaaaaiiiiiieeeeee!” As he studied his next prospect, Ed began to question his decision to sell home security systems. “Oh, crap. I...

To Err is Android

(Say ‘hello’ to Son of Flubber’s sister!)

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Her name is Sophia.

She’s attractive, inquisitive, intelligent, pleasant and…of course…expensive. In fact, like Mary Poppins, Sophia is practically perfect in every way, except for one very Mary Poppins-like detail: Sophia’s not real.

Also, she wants to kill you.

Sophia is a device; a machine; an android. Sophia met humanity during the 2016 South by Southwest Conference (SXSW) in Austin, where she was introduced by her creator, Dr. David H...