Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 28

One for Cliff Clavin

(Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor beer…okay, maybe beer)

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I read this past week that the U.S. Post Office plans to … ready? … to lower the price of a stamp, something that hasn’t happened in nearly 100 years. This will be fantastic news for the seven Americans who still actually mail stuff.

But it’s true. For only the third time since the Civil War, the price of a postage stamp is going down, this time plummeting from 49¢ to 47¢.

Historical sidebar: On the day after the Civil...

Stalking the Feral Chicken Salad

(Airports and other alternate universes)

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I went to the airport twice this month, to remind myself why I hate going to the airport, and to gloat.

“Gloat? Why gloat?” you ask, assuming you’re the type of person who lobs questions at inanimate objects, like humor columns, or that female glacier who’s always in front of me at the grocery. I gloated because I wasn’t flying anywhere, on anything, seated between anybody with Scotch breath and bladder issues. But this month I went to the...

The Long Dessert Spoon of the Law

(Driving near rich people can get expensive)

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Here’s a question that’s been troubling me: if a cop pulls over one of Google’s driver-less cars for speeding, and the non-existent driver makes a run for it, how long will it be before Al Sharpton shows up and starts yelling about systemic racism?

A few months ago, I got pulled over for speeding on a residential road near my house. In fact, over the last twenty years I’ve only reeled in two traffic tickets, and both of them were on thi...

It’s A Living

(Somebody’s got to point out these things. You’re welcome.)

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I bought a car designed by Congress. It has a clueless ignition system. Amnesia: the perfect gift for that person who has everything. You have to admire that woman in the TV commercial. If I had an external overactive bladder that had eyes, arms and legs, and kept trying to drag me into public bathrooms, I probably wouldn’t go out much. The letters in “Hillary Clinton” can be rearranged to “Chilly Lion Rant.” Coincidence...

How Often Is A Perchance?

(Ever dreamed you were dreaming?)

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Last night, I had the strangest dream. I dreamed I was in a huge room, trapped between enormous cardboard crates all filled with misspelled Beatles’ album covers, and anxious voices inside the crates were yelling Hlep!

When I woke up this morning, I was back in the RSSU.

If you’re like most people reading this, you have dreams while you sleep. On the other hand, if you’re like most people, you’re not reading this at all because UR 2 BUSY TXTING LO...

You’re In Good, Huge Hands

(In America, anybody can be President. Bummer.)

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Okay, something’s not right.

Here we are, at the beginning of Spring in an election year … barely nine months left until Election Day … and I’ve yet to hear the Presidential frontrunner say anything more substantial than “Oh, yeah? Well, you’re a big fat pooty-head!”

And this from a guy who looks like the offspring you’d get if you crossed a Creamsicle with a raccoon, and then squeezed its mouth.

One day in the distant future, I’m su...

I Sad U LOL

(social media rips another chunk from our double helix)

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We have big news for all you die-hard Facebookians out there…and there’s a bunch of you out there. After a full year of intense marketing research, user acceptance testing, and sitting in office chairs constructed out of actual hundred dollar bills, the team at Facebook has given a makeover to their most famous symbol – the little blue “like” button.

For those of you who haven’t heard of Facebook, you’re lying. Facebook is by...

Staving Off Masculinity, Part II

(A bad week that got better)

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Author’s Note: Some of you will recall the original “Staving Off Masculinity” column, published in May 2009, that described my attempts to get a home security system installed without sacrificing any Single Guy macho points (actually, the security system was installed over 15 years ago).
Here’s a snip:

Moving past the initial insanity — that I let a total stranger in to pitch the system, and then proceeded to point out all the way...

Banana Peel Republic

(Suppose you threw a two-party system, and nobody came?)

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In case you hadn’t noticed, Americans are busy picking our next President, now that Barack Obama has decided to let us. And as a result – again, in case you haven’t noticed – the obligatory national vote-pleading frenzy is in full, um, frenziness.

In some ways, this Presidential election cycle is just the same as all the previous ones: endless, back-to-back TV ads promoting (or insulting) a candidate; a torrent of shameless...

Mother of the Year(ling)

(for my Mom, Barbara Parham: 09/19/1936 – 02/02/2016)

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Call me Ishmael.

I’ve always wanted to say that. My real name is Barry. But I’ve had others: you know, playground nicknames, pet names, mail merge screw-up names. I also get credit card offers in the mail addressed to Barry Parham III, which either means I’m missing a whole bunch of allowable tax deductions, or else I slept through one heck of a party.

Once, long ago, my Mother got an advertising piece in the mail, addressed to...