Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 32

Jousting with Time Bandits

(The dark side of online shopping)

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Lately, I seem to have become a jackass magnet. I hope it’s not a case of kindred spirits.

Of course, my moron magnetism is not at all in the same league as MSNBC, or some of the Republicans running for President, but the attraction’s still unnerving.

As just one example, here’s a little horror story involving an online transaction. (The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, because nobody in this tale is innocent.)

Nearly two mont...

The Slate

(Politics: to be and not to be)

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Independence Day, 2015. America is awash in barbecue, fireworks, and Presidential candidates. (Two of those three are mostly harmless. Guess.)

And given the average American’s apathy for everything except taking selfies, this may end up being the first election in US history where there were more candidates than voters.

For anybody who writes a humor column, it’s a great time. I don’t have to make up a lot of satire – I can just hold up a newspaper...

Shabani & Cousin Bonobo

(Hey, apes are people, too)

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It’s been a wild week, what with escaped convicts, ISIS attacks, Supreme Court rulings, and of course, the bitter earth-shattering news that the host of The Tonight Show hurt his hand. But let’s not waste any more time on trivialities – let’s get to the real news.

There’s a gorilla in a Japanese zoo that women think is hot.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Maybe we should give the womenfolk of Japan a break. Maybe the gorilla, comparatively speaking, i...

Napoleon & the Self-Cleaning Amphibian

(France: Dynasty. Defeat. Dessert.)

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It was a or an historic moment. On 18 June, 1815, a tactical faux pas in Waterloo, Belgium changed the course of European history forever. Yes, students, it was on that fateful day 200 years ago when, at the table of Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, the unthinkable happened: the psychotic little dwarf’s waiter served white wine with beef.

Fortunately, Napoleon, that nasty little King of Europe wannabe, was already whack-stick insane. So no real harm...

Abby Redux XI

(Our favorite pungent pundit pops round)

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I need to apologize for something. Some of you have noticed that it’s been a while since we heard from Abby Redux, America’s favorite jaded advice columnist. And for that, I apologize. Abby’s absence was entirely my fault, a phrase which hasn’t been heard in the White House for years.

For those of you who read my weekly humor columns (my parents, my therapist, the NSA), Abby and her barbed advice column need no introduction. But if you’re n...

Weak in the News II

(All the news that’s unfit to print)

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It’s been one of those weird weeks in America. Y’know? Some weeks, the collective news is just so odd that you can’t swallow it all; you have to take it in small sips, like a bottle of cheap wine that your neighbor gave you for your birthday and then, before you can close the door and decant it into the sink drain, he insists on a toast to another year.

Here’s an example of how weird the week has been: given the choice between Bruce Jenner, the...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

And so, the young George Patton was late for the junior prom. Amtrak Blames Budget Cuts For Latest Incident On Their “Rural North Florida” Line “Okay, Jurgen. So much for the First. Let’s see what you’ve got for the Second Reich.” Faced with historic crime, Baltimore officials defended its Neighborhood Watch program Reviews Mixed For Dwayne Johnson Sequel, “San Andreas No-Fault” What REALLY Happened To Ted Kennedy’s Car “Hey Dad! This Friday, can I borrow the Panzer?” History tells us preci...

The New Abnormal

(What’s a good living wage if you die for a living?)

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It’s amazing how quickly life will pass you by. For example, it used to be that, to get a raise at work, you had to earn it. Now you can just demand it.

And you can demand it while you’re skipping work.

You don’t even have to work anymore to do well at work. These days, it seems, an employee can just stand in the street and yell out the wage they will accept.

Times change, I guess. Ever since the dawn of commerce (460 AD — it wa...

Tips For Very Stupid Guys

(Some things, I did not need to be told.)

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Ever see, or hear, or read something – a comment in a TV ad, a warning on a product, a bizarre news story – that doesn’t really register in your head at first; it almost slips past you, masquerading as normal…and then there’s a kind of slap-back echo as the comment / warning / headline kicks in, and you rrealize: Somebody had to say / print / disclaim that, because somewhere, sometime, some knuckle-dragging moron was stupid enough to hurt...

Chair, Interrupted

(Born in the USA. Made in China. Hobbled in California.)

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Did you hear? Police in California have arrested a chair. The charge? No visible means of support.

All seriousness aside, it’s apparently very difficult to be a chair in California. Or, at least, to be an approved chair. An official chair, as inspected and sanctioned by the various California Bureaus In Charge of Meddling in Every Petty, Paltry, Picky Little Aspect of Your Life.

I found out about the arduous life that Calif...