Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 34

Pictures in Search of a Caption

“Folks, we have breaking news on that workplace violence incident at Togas ‘R’ Us.” “Okay,” directed the self-defense instructor, “now come at me with the rope.” A young Hillary Clinton makes her first political decision Reviews were mixed for the Hitchcock remake, “Psycho: The Story of Norman’s Dad” And so, Doctor Bobby pretty much failed his acupuncture mid-terms As the event played out, the five very short men could only look on in horror Suddenly, Obi-Wan Kenobi used the force, freezing...

Equally Cold Calls

(Sometimes you have to bite the dog back.)

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Ever get an unsolicited telemarketing call and decide to just run with it? You should. It’s free, it’s good for you, and it has zero trans-fat.

Besides, toying with telemarketers is one of your guaranteed Constitutional rights, enumerated right there between your right to have a seizure and your right to not have your bare arms searched.

And … they asked for it. After all:

they called you
it’s legal for telemarketers to lie to you, so lying to...

PLOTUS

(Punch Line of the United States)

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It just keeps getting better and better.

Five hundred years from now, I wonder if we’ll still be looking back at the chart-topping Barack Obama clown circus, still stunned at what an immense failure they turned out to be; I wonder if we’ll still be bemused by all the incompetence, dishonesty, spin, secrecy, tone-deaf tactlessness, and an ego that could comfortably seat the United Nations, or several Kardashians, but not both.

Here, I’ll show you. Here...

High Infidelity

(If you got the pearls, we got the swine!)

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In this amazing digital age, it’s easy to take technology’s gifts for granted: instant access to global information; targeted searches and one-touch shopping; captioned pictures of sullen cats.

You can check the weather forecast (for you, for Bangor, for Bangalore, for Bengaluru), you can purchase everything from mansions to monogrammed ferret sweaters, you can reply LOL to pictures of sullen cats – all without wearing any pants.

You can use...

Things People Say

(okay, let’s see you work ‘catheters’ into a humor column)

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Things You Never Hear Anybody Say

You floss way too much.
I’m moving to Denmark to draw Mohammed cartoons.
Wow, Al Gore sure nailed that “climate change” science, didn’t he?For the rest of this week’s column (and to access all our weekly humor columns), subscribe to the diaTribe – for less than five bucks!
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And That’s the Way It Isn’t

(1965: Walter Cronkite. 2015: Walter Mitty.)

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Last week, I had dinner with NBC anchor Brian Williams, and we were both killed.

No, wait. That was a different table.

By now you’ve heard the confession. Brian Williams, NBC News’ front man for a decade – a man who gets paid $13 million a year to wear suits, clock in at five pm, and work for nearly thirty minutes – has admitted that he once lied about a story. Okay, he once lied about a story that involved him. Okay, he wasn’t involved in...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Fortunately, the movie studio nixed its original caper concept, The Batzenjammer Kids
As the unemployment lines grew, city planners realized not even Gotham was immune
“Dude, an R? You show up at a Caped Crusader audition wearing an R? What’re you? Ratman?”
Reviews were mixed for Meatloaf’s comeback album, “Bat Out of Hell’s Kitchen”
It was the kids who suffered most as a result of Michelle Obama’s “Level the Halloween Playing Field” campaign
History tells us precious little about that prescient p...

Till Death Do Us Pa…AIIIEEEE!

(Do you take this man to be your wife?)

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Last week, I had a major setback.

In my ongoing efforts to understand all these new optional, disposable, mix-n-match genders, I thought I was gaining ground. The confusion level had settled to an acceptably low background hum, and the outlook was bright, as long as I didn’t leave my house or turn on the TV.

Then, just when I thought I was making some headway, my Comprehensionometer overloaded. In one week, these things happened:

A woman married...

Ennui-Gate

(It may not be interesting, but it sure is boring.)

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Last week, several chunks of the Earth blew up and floated into space. And lo, there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth over the loss, except for the California chunk. (Detroit was also atomized by an alien spaceship’s death ray, but city planners admitted the new look was actually an improvement.)

Last week, all disease was eradicated from the face of the planet, mankind discovered a solution for world hunger, and the federal...

John Kerry, Double-Naught Spy

(Diatonic Diplomacy, Ageless Allies, and the top of James Taylor’s head)

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One website summed it up this way: “…one of the most embarrassing moments in American diplomatic history.”

It was one of those occasions when all you can do is just stare at the screen and assume it’s a programming glitch. Mostly, we were all just confused.

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“Honey?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Are you seeing this?”

“Probably not, dear, given that I’m not in the same room as you, my clever little pumpkin.”

“The...