Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 37

Dr. Skippy & the Sun Gods

(It must be legit – I saw it online.)

~-~-~-~-~-~

The guy’s credentials began like this:

“For more than four hundred million years, I have protected the borders between the physical world and the worlds of shadow.”

So I knew I’d found a plumber I could trust.

I’m kidding, of course. It’s never that easy to find a good plumber.

No, the above quip came from a consciousness-awakening website, one of the billions of resources out there that promise to connect you with the cosmos while separating you fr...

Astro-Physical Graffiti

(Life is but a screen.)

~-~-~-~-~-~

Okay, what’s wrong with the following sentence?

“Operating out of a trailer in rural Illinois, government researchers are experimenting to determine if our reality is really just a great big hologram.”

For the rest of this week’s column (and to access all our weekly humor columns), subscribe to the diaTribe – for less than five bucks!
To begin, click the ‘Subscribe’ link at page top.

The Mental Home Shopping Network

(My, what acute angina!)

~-~-~-~-~-~

I saw a fluff piece on the news the other day that provides yet another answer to one of humankind’s burning questions: Why aren’t we ever visited by intelligent life forms from other planets?

There’s a reason.

Aliens read the reviews.

See, aliens do their homework. (They’re not called “intelligent life forms” for nothing, you know.) Before setting off on a space-folding family holiday, with all the clones (kids) and the family dog (Lunar Rover), extra-terrestr...

Jack-of-No-Trades

(C’mon, seriously. Who needs ten fingers?)

~-~-~-~-~-~

Good news, global economy! I’ve singlehandedly shored up, like, international banking and stuff!

(At least, I think that’s good news. International banking is our friend, right? Right?)

Yes. Rejoice, Wall Street. Because this week, I bought a fan for my home office. And none of that third-world-street-market price haggling, either. No bazaar bargaining here. Paid full retail, right off the shelf at Ace Lowe Depot. Charged it to my Das Kapital...

The Chicken Soup Nazi

(Global thermonuclear war. It just ain’t what it used to be.)

~-~-~-~-~-~

The breaking point in the Ukrainian sanctions, apparently — the solomy that broke the camel’s pozvonochnik — was when America cut off Russia’s access to Disney World. After all, for decades the Soviet Old Boy network had been getting the wink from US border officials as junketing Russians presented their counterfeit “Florida Resident” all-access passes.

Plus, they’d finally learned how to pronounce splash-tacular.

But then,...

Two Killed In Rogue Peanut Stampede

(How to live within a budget without really trying)

~-~-~-~-~-~

If you’re one of the three million people who get on a plane every day, I have some good news and some bad news. (If you’re flying Malaysia Air, just move on…you’ve got enough to worry about already.)

First, the bad news: you know those little bags of peanuts that flight attendants grudgingly give you on the plane? You know, those little three-nut foil packs that make you wonder if peanuts are in fact some form of ferocious game tha...

Hair of the Corn Dog

(“I rewrite the songs that make the whol…”)

~-~-~-~-~-~

Sometimes a news story comes along that so perfectly encapsulates the overarching beauty – and the pain – of Earthly existence, a story that so enriches the collective human experience, a humor columnist has to take a solemn pause to share it with his readers.

This is not one of those days.

On the other hand, every now and again the news delivers such a You-Gotta-Be-Kiddin-Me headline that any non-medicated humorist could pretty much just re...

Karma Killed the T-Rex

(If you’re reincarnated, are class reunions redundant?)

~-~-~-~-~-~

Last week, I almost achieved total consciousness (it was Tuesday, late). But the plan bucked when I realized that Trinity, my transcendent fifth-dimensional guide who had entered into an empathic astral alignment with the newly postpartum Gaia, was an idiot.

There was no single action or utterance that caused me to question the compos of Trinity’s mentis … it was more of an additive itch I needed to scratch; more a case of the l...

We Had It Tough

(A bit of perspective for Generation X-Pects)

~-~-~-~-~-~

Here’s what the creature said:

“Dude, this is so lame. I barely got two bars!”

I was in the mall food court, because sometimes nothing else will do but a genetically confused pseudo-gyro, heated in a discount microwave oven set on “Tepid,” then served in crumpled wax paper from an entirely different restaurant and eaten at a damp cabaret table hurriedly wiped down by a relapsed wino with a sepia-crusted rag that’s already been squeegeed ac...

Hobby Lobbying

(Retail misogyny? There’s an app for that!)

~-~-~-~-~-~

It’s official. The gavel has dropped, and dark days await the women of America. For lo, the Supreme Court hath spoken: from now on, women can no longer have sex at Hobby Lobby.

It’s confirmed. The evil executives at retail giant Hobby Lobby hate women … assuming we can believe all the shrill outrage recently from Prius-loads of over-excited “reproductive rights” advocates who’ve sworn off gluten, and deodorant.

Evidently, those heartless Hob...