Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 36

Asimov & the Robots of Saliva

(“I claim this duck for all mankind.”)

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NASA has done it again. For the first time in the history of history, mankind has landed on a comet.

Actually, it wasn’t NASA. It was the European Space Agency that pulled it off. But with all the lying coming out of Washington and the media these days, I refuse to be the only journalist in America who’s telling the truth.

Technically, mankind didn’t land on a comet, either. True, oil rig jockeys played by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck landed on a...

Honey, Where’s My Mantra?

(It’s our annual Divine Empowerments 2-For-1 sale!)

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Not long ago, I told you about Dr. Skippy. And, having said that, I realize something sobering — I’ve lived a long full life, but I may have outlived my cultural usefulness if all I have left to offer literature is sentences like “Not long ago, I told you about Dr. Skippy.”

What can I say? Sometimes, when you open life’s oyster, there’s no pearl of wisdom in there. Just some grit.

That’s my gift to you. A grit of wisdom.

As you’ll rec...

Werewolves of New London

(Why pets in New England always seem so edgy)

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This past week, thanks to a news piece out of New England, we were all treated to one of those storybook moments, like the time Dennis Rodman nearly married himself. You know the classic fairy tale formula: boy meets dog; boy falls for dog; boy sings naked; cops arrest boy; dog dies of shame.

Yet another timeless tale of unrequited love. But with a nice twist. Here’s the headline out of Connecticut:

Naked Man Accused of Molesting Pit Bull...

Beware The Chicken of Death

(How to ruin a spider’s self-esteem)

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Imagine it. You’re walking through the rainforest at night when you hear a shuffling. Your soul goes tense, your nerves spark. “Hear a shuffling, he says,” you spit. You snatch your flashlight and swashbuckle its beam, hoping to catch the irritating jerk who keeps using verbs as nouns.

It’s long past midnight here in Guyana, the northeast shoulder of South America, a country whose list of natural resources includes shrimp. Nestled in between Venez...

Blue Light .38 Special

(Whaddaya mean, the cart’s not included?)

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Have you noticed a recent uptick of weirdness in England? It’s brutal. Their currency’s worth less than Michael Vick’s annual ASPCA deduction; they’re being overrun by foreigners whose religious views are, shall we say, avid; and their Queen oscillates between being AWOL and being inept and clueless.

Oh, wait. That’s not England. That’s us.

Over here in America, we’ve got weird, too … especially these last few weeks. Witness:

A funeral home in...

Olive Oyl, Feminazi

(One small step for m-word, one giant leap for, um, penguinkind)

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I don’t know what’s in the drinking water in Nebraska’s capital, but somebody might want to run out there and test a vial. Based on headlines coming out of the heartland, it appears that some of Lincoln’s local leadership are – to borrow an old lyric – slippin’ into darkness.

See, a school district in Lincoln has instructed its teachers to refer to their boys and girls, not as “boys and girls,” but as … ready?

Purple pen...

Death by Niblick

(Goat godfathers dispensing vigilante justice)

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Thanks to the news this week, we learned several things about ourselves:

Nobody trusts the government
Everybody’s ready to give California back
Somebody really hates chicken

On the other hand, we also learned a few things about our country:

Nobody in the government trusts us, either. And that’s probably smart. The way things are going, some of us are just about ready to start printing our own money.
Maybe old-school phones didn’t have apps an...

I’m Sorry, Could You Think That Again?

(Scientific breakthroughs vs. commercial breaks)

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This last week, three historic events competed for the attention of humanity:

Snookie had a baby
Chelsea Clinton had a baby
Neuroscientists demonstrated evidence of mind reading

I know — it’s hard for me to believe it, too, but it’s true: somebody let the Clintons breed.

So, let’s move on to less depressing events, like mind reading, or new gluten-free diets. According to an Australian “science news” website, the world’s first-ever brain-t...

How To Be True or False (Sexual Harassment, Part II)

(Cynical Single Guy: 07, Political Correctness: 00)

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Last week, I shared with you that I’d just completed a Sexual Harassment awareness course, a class I’d felt compelled to take for several reasons:

The company that pays me a salary insisted.
That salary keeps me from being homeless.
Sleeping under a bridge is very overrated.

I also mentioned that the course was a normal annual thing that companies do, like giving salary reviews, or buying insanely expensive printers that hemorrhage ink...

Reasonable People (Sexual Harassment, Part I)

(If the government managed sex, we’d all be sterile.)

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Not long ago, I got to take an “workplace education” class called Sexual Harassment Awareness. I won’t bore you with the back story about why I was in the class, but I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with elevator cameras and my career in the NFL.

To be sure, whenever potential perps are being rounded up for sexual harassment complaints, I am a prime candidate.

Right.

I’m a single, five-decades-old, music-loving cynic with a mild...