Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 35

Veni, Vidi, Vanity

(I came. I saw. I looked fine, too.)

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Well, it’s that time of year again. Time for an hour or so of concentrated posturing and lying so thick it could be an over-budget highway project. No, not your spouse’s denial that they already broke their New Year’s resolutions.

It’s time for the President’s State of the Union address.

If you’ve ever had to talk to an audience, you know the three cardinal rules of public speaking:

Tell ‘em what you’re about to tell ‘em
Tell ‘em
Tell ‘em what you tol...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Tonight! On an all-new “Medieval Cops!”
“Dude. What part of “10 Items or Less” confused you?”
The NRA announces its new recruiting campaign for very shy people
“Oh, that’s where you’re wrong. We are SO going to hear Michael Buble.”
Reviews were mixed for Mel Brook’s new spoof-fest, “Ramadan Hood – Men in Burqas”
“ANOTHER Fleetwood Mac farewell tour?” barked Stevie Nicks. “Absolutely NOT!”
History tells us precious little about Justin Bieber’s formative years
“That’s the last pair of heels on sale, a...

December Thirty-Oneth

(This year, music has an antonym)

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It’s happening again. Everywhere you go, everybody’s going on and on about the arrival of a new year. Like that doesn’t happen every year. Personally, I’m still trying to wrench some sense out of the old one.

But as we sail into 2015, we all have to admit one thing: those Mayans couldn’t tell an Armageddon from an Armand Hammer.

And so, at each year’s end we celebrate the arrival of another year with time-honored traditions, like buying another round...

Rollo, With Your Nose So Bright

(You decked the halls – now hit the malls!)

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Okay. Now that you’ve gotten your Christmas shopping done, it’s time to go Christmas shopping.

That’s right! The day after Christmas is the second-busiest shopping day of the year, topped only by the twelfth of Festivus, the day when millions of self-absorbed Americans celebrate the invention of the selfie.

There are several reasons why the day after Christmas is such a busy day at the mall:

Returns: Grandma gave you a monogrammed taupe velou...

Liberté, Egalité, Tuna Fish

(How Napoleon saved kitchen gadgets)

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Here’s a tip from the instructions that came with my new electric can opener:

Do not place in a heated oven.

And thus, another life was saved. Because I was this close…

Since the day after the dawn of time, humankind has looked at food and wondered, “How can I store this for later, when it’s cold out?” And while humankind was working it out, there were always a few guys over in the corner, eyeballing various objects and thinking, “You know what’d be...

Dear Imaginary Fat Guy

(No, Virginia, there is no sanity clause)

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It’s that time of year again. No, not the call-in-your-vote finals for America’s Got Talent But You’d Never Know It by Watching These People.

No, it’s Christmas — that reverent, giving, selfless season when everybody gets their greed on and writes demanding letters to a non-existent, obese bearded dude who allegedly works one day a year, lives beyond any known police jurisdiction with pointy-shoed dwarves and a wife he never lets out of the h...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Eight Maimed In Polar Express Derailing
The elf could only stare as the evil iPhone closed in for the kill
“Well, the recipe said ‘300 degrees for 30 minutes’ so I figured ‘600 degrees for 15′ would take care of business.”
Reviews were mixed for Stephen King’s seasonal shocker, “A Christmas Misery”
“Oh! My bad. I thought you said ‘gimme a HAND’.”
The medical community cheered the first-ever chile pepper skin graft
“Remember,” said Smokey the Middle-Earth Bear, “only YOU can prevent forest elf fires...

Mulling Mulling On Mull’s Mull

(More words? We don’t use the ones we’ve got!)

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Every year, the valiant vocabulary guardians of the famous Oxford English Dictionary release their list of new words. The word-herders have been doing this 1857, the same year as the very first Star Wars prequel. (Star Wars Negative XXVIII: The Wrath of Jabba the Hut’s Colon)

Each year the British book gets a little thicker, like American politicians, as the Oxford keepers of the English language allow as “acceptable” a few more words –...

Thankful for Boston…oh, wait

(Girl, and gratitude, interrupted)

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This week, let me tell you about some of the things I’m thankful for. Once that’s out of the way, I can get back to the mall for some more coveting.

At first, for this week’s column, I’d planned to comment on an odd event I read about at Boston’s Logan airport. No, a flight did not take off on time. It was nothing that odd.

This event was much more pedestrian. Last week, according to several giggle-interrupted police reports, a nondescript man saunte...

Don’t Forget To Tip Your Server-Person!

(America: every woman a king)

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If you look around at some of America’s trends and statistics … if you observe the types of things people consider important these days … you might be tempted to pack it in and relocate to a foreign country, like Ireland, or California. But for the soldiers (and soldierettes) in our ongoing campaign to de-genderfy America, it’s been a good year.

So there’s that.

Here’s an example: A guy who owns an Italian restaurant in the Big Apple is in trouble — as in...