Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 31

Android Dick Gets Snippy

(A look at the bookends of human history)

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There’s news this week about the first human. And the last. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is gonna be hard to write about in just 800 words, which is all the words I can pay myself to write. (It’s rent week.)

Let’s deal with the first, first. Deep in a South African cave, a foraging herd of scientists who really had no business being in a South African cave discovered a pile of bones. Sure, I know what you’re thinking … What a full, madc...

Son, You’ll Be A Fine Woman

(Don’t I make a lovely couple!)

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In this week’s spam, I received an invitation to become a better woman. Well, I could hardly fail at that.

After all, I’m packing a Y chromosome – I’m a lifelong career card-carrying Single Guy. When it comes to being a better woman, there’s nowhere for me to go but up.

But then it hit me: the weirdest thing about the spammy proposal was that from every angle I could consider the offer, I could be offended. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that...

Henge, Sweet Henge

(Oh, look, Deidre. Rocks.)

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If there’s one thing I admire, it’s solid non-partisan science. Steady, sober observation and straightforward, opinion-free documentation. That, and Mexican food. I admire Mexican food, too. The difference, of course, is that an hour after you have some science, you’re not sorry.

And now the community of science-types has come up with some fascinating new discoveries about Stonehenge, that mysterious structure in southern England so popular with Druids,...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Mattel announces its new line of dolls, Drug Mule Barbie Hillary goes to bizarre lengths to dispose of tainted emails History tells us precious little about the rejected Reality TV show, “19 Chucky Dolls and Counting” CIA releases photos of a Moscow factory prepping a new batch of Russian mail-order brides “Here at the Mexican Democratic Caucus, we put the ‘anchor’ in anchor babies!” Shareholder hopes were high for the grand opening of the Gulag Toys ‘R’ Us The documentary offered a harsh...

Life is Short. Be a Moron.

(Oh, what a tangled world wide web we weave)

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If you’ve been watching the news this week, you now know two things:

Spam actually works Soon, if we’re not careful, we’ll be redecorating the White House like an Atlantic City casino

President Trump.

It’s just one of those phrases you never ever expected to hear, like “Post Office To Reject Stamp Increase” or “MENSA Inducts Joe Biden.”

President Trump. But the man with the aircraft carrier coif is absolutely stomping his 2016 nominat...

To: The Spamish Prisoner

(Who knew email was so old?)

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Spam. One of the inescapable side-effects of our techno-bound lives. Junk, delivered at the speed of light. Instant snail mail. Spam is inevitable and unavoidable, like aging, or another Fleetwood Mac reunion.

Spam. That’s our generation’s legacy. Grumpy cat captions, and spam.

For this, we harnessed the electron.

At some point in your life you’ve received spam email, unless you’re three, or you live on Pluto, or your email server is managed by Hillary...

The Third Oldest Profession

(Unreality TV at its finest)

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Good evening, everybody. I’m Duff Holstein, and welcome to tonight’s first Presidential primary debate, brought to you by American’s top cable news channel, A Bunch of Fair & Balanced Hot Women News.

Tonight, we’re coming to you live, direct from the Quicken Loans Arena in beautiful downtown Cleveland. Okay, downtown Cleveland. We are more or less glad to be here, just scant feet away from the Cuyahoga River, a river that once actually caught on fire....

The Anti-Gap Generation Gap

(Millennials: they put the “I” in “identity”)

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I was spending an evening recently with my girlfriend (Netflix) and she suggested we watch a few episodes of an ancient black & white sitcom called The Dick van Dyke Show. Netflix is unpredictable like that, the inscrutable minx. That’s why I love her.

For those of you out there too young to remember that Ringo was the Beatles’ second drummer, The Dick van Dyke Show was a 1960’s classic about a comedy TV writer (Rob Petrie) and his fam...

Dead Again

(When Acronyms Roamed the Earth)

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Folks, I’m afraid I have some bad news. Mankind is barreling along towards certain extinction.

Again.

Actually, this will be the sixth extinction. The sixth. Earth, it seems, is too stubborn to stay dead. Maybe that’s what’s behind our recent fascination with zombies.

And it’s been a while since we had one — dinosaurs were the fifth extinction. (You remember dinosaurs – those great big lizards who all died one Thursday because when they went outsid...

Not Just the Mot Juste

(American Diplomacy = okey dokey)

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As someone who writes a weekly humor column for a living … well, as someone who writes a weekly humor column … I spend a lot of my column prep time fishing for pairs — similarities or opposites – words or phrases or events that represent a seemingly obvious cultural or social bond (like “beach” and “music”) or words that don’t. (like “head” and “cheese”)

When you pair up a couple of words like that and make them stand together at the refreshments...