Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 30

Mt. Rushmore & Other Stoned Heads

(Why South Dakota is stocking up on munchies)

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Hey, all you millions of pot smoking Americans out there! I’ve got great news for you, assuming you happen to live near Flandreau, South Dakota, which, given that my high school graduating class had more people than Flandreau, is not very likely.

What’s the big news? It’s, uh…it’s…I forgot. Oh, wait, I remember. It’s the grand opening of the country’s first marijuana resort! Yes, beginning this next New Year’s Eve, all nine residents o...

And the Winning Loser is…

(If stupid was a virtue, here are some saints.)

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This week I have a dilemma, dear readers, and I’m going to need your help to sort things out. I’ll pay you for your time of course, and you can count on that, except I’m lying.

Here’s the dilemma: alert readers like yourselves have sent me two news articles, both involving animals and humans, but of course only one story can be Most Idiotic Article Involving Animals Ever – although both stories heroically pushed the envelope while pu...

Mr. Bob, Substitute Warden

(Fun holidays with dead people)

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Good morning, class. I’m Mr. Bob, and I’m going to be your substitute teacher for a few days, while Miss Vicky works through some pesky legal issues involving the varsity football team and a Bo Peep costume. I’m sure Miss Vicky will be back real soon, assuming the owner of that laundromat doesn’t press charges.

Your principal, Mr. Sturnanbidder, told me not to worry about sticking to Miss Vicky’s lesson plans, but to just try and maintain an accepta...

CNBC’s Deb-ate-acle

(Forget fair & balanced! We got petty & snarky!)

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PART I

Moderator: Good evening! Welcome to the University of Colorado at Boulder, which is in Boulder, Colorado, and that will be the last actual fact you’ll hear from us moderators tonight. So let’s get started!

My name is Binky Quirk, host of CNBC’s “Squawk Box” which, in a strange coincidence, was also my nickname in high school. I’m sitting down here, so you can’t tell, but my head and my hair make up 65% of my total body mass....

Meanwhile, in Camelot…

(Is there an acronym for ‘acronym?’)

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Here come those science people again, and they have good news and bad news. The good news is, it looks like we are not alone in the universe. The bad news is, the science people are basing that discovery on a “huge gob” of “odd dust” that formed 1,500 years ago and is being analyzed by crowd-sourcing.

So there it is. Rock-solid, indisputable data. ET, you are so busted.

I’m stretching the truth a bit, of course. We haven’t actually seen any int...

Night of the Living Candy Bandits

(What does candy corn do the rest of the year?)

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Once again, Halloween is looming over America. I think this may be our weirdest holiday, if you don’t count Columbus Day, a day when for some unexplained reason we all celebrate the capital of Ohio.

On Halloween, parents let their young, impressionable children dress up like very short versions of various superheroes, Disney characters, enchanted animals, witches, and other unreal things, like Donald Trump’s hair. Then, shortly after...

High-Level Lowlifes

(The media’s race to the bottom)

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I have a question, for the six of you out there who aren’t actively thumb-typing a text message while you read this: When you need to know something, where do you go? Fifty years ago, the answer was easy, wasn’t it? All you Baby Boomers out there feel the answer resonating in your mind, delivered in a deep solemn voice speaking in all caps, which is not easy to do:

THE DICTIONARY

You can almost hear the tympani in the background.

These days, of cou...

Everything Must Go!

(A little lobe clearance, if I might)

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This week, in honor of South Carolina’s annual change of seasons (from hot and humid to just humid), I’ll hope you bear with me for some mental maintenance. A little cerebral housecleaning.

What follows here are some disconnected musings. Just some random observations. I need to push them out of my head to make room for more pressing processes, like remembering to wear socks.

I have to do this from time to time. It’s good therapy, personally...

What the Heck is a Holy C?

(There’s a reason Popes don’t visit us)

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You knew it was going to happen. We all knew. We knew as soon as the Holy Father stepped off the plane onto US soil that it was just a matter of time before the marketers descended, before the money-changers set up shop and slung up a shingle.

Because this is America, and the Pope is for sale.

By now, unless you live under a rock, you’ve seen a hundred thousand hours of news footage reporting on Pope Francis’ visit to America, including live...

Ten Little CNNdians

(Breaking news: Donald Trump says “Oh yeah?”)

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Good evening, everyone. Welcome to tonight’s second round of Republican debates, featuring about seventeen dozen legitimate Presidential candidates, and Donald Trump. My name is Jake Tapper. No, really, that’s my real name.

I’m joined here tonight in the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library by another CNN hair helmet, Anderson Cooper, a man so pale he makes Edgar Winter look like George Hamilton. Both Mr. Cooper and myself are well-respe...