Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 26

Kentucky Fried T-Rex

(Some knowledge is not worth knowing)

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Ever wanted to murder something? Here’s a handy tip: Google the term “weird facts.” I guarantee you you’ll kill a perfectly good weekend.

I did.

This is what normal people would call a waste of time, but what humor columnists refer to as “billable hours.”

And so, in order to claim another tax deduction, I’ll share my discoveries with you. Every statement presented below is a confirmed fact, according to my exhaustive online research, which I p...

Patriculating at Princesston

(Personkind is officially out of control)

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Well, it’s about time. After an insufferable 6 million years, (or a spry youthful 6,000 years, depending on whom you ask) the human race is finally going to deal with that pesky problem of patriarchy.

In other words: guys, you’re out.

Yes, America, the HR Department at prestigious Princeton University has begun instructing the campus staff to stop saying the word “man.” (Apparently, the HR crew can still work at a university named “Princet...

Michael Phelps para o Presidente

(…featuring The Large, Hairy Girl From Ipanema)

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It happens every four years. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence, or some cruel cosmic prank, but every four years we’ve somehow ended up with two great big, loud, overwhelming events occurring in the same year: the Olympic Games and a Presidential election. One is an honest, honorable gathering of a country’s most worthy competitors. Guess which.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s some kind of galactic punishment, some interplanetary payback f...

The First … Gentleman?

(Bill Clinton dates Philadelphia. All at once.)

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If the world learned anything at all from the 2016 Democrat political convention, we learned this: Hillary Clinton is almost surely a woman.

So. Now that the two parties have held their conventions, here’s the collective knowledge of the entire American political system at this point in time:

Hillary Clinton has a uterus Donald Trump is Satan

For four solid days, Philadelphia’s Wells Fargo Center resounded with the hard-won fruits...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Tensions mounted as the narcs began to suspect something peculiar. “I won’t lie to ya,” quipped Pinocchio. “I really don’t care for these family reunions.” Obviously, this guy was the worst motivational speaker EVER But when the comedian mentioned termites, you could’ve heard a pin drop. Reviews were mixed for the new self-help manual, “Dummies for Dummies” The Actors’ Guild had high hopes for a vote on unionization, but things broke down when the chair asked for a show of hands. “They’ll n...

Elvis & the Flaming River

(Politics: hubris, humor, hurrahs)

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Last week, the Republican party held their Presidential nominating convention in that most alluring of international travel destinations – Cleveland, Ohio – at the romantically named Quicken Loans Arena. According to statistics, 50 million people watched at least some of the four-day event, which might be a record if we could find anybody who would actually admit they watched. (source: Medea Watch)

I don’t know if you tuned in to any of the conve...

I HEART UR TEETH LOL

(There’s such a thing as too much progress)

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Okay. I have now, officially, seen it all. Hang up the phone, put out the lights: ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. Yes, thanks to the miracles of modern technology, you can now share, with all your friends online, all the fascinating details about…

…brushing your teeth.

I suppose it was just a matter of time. I guess it was inevitable, in a world as self-centered as ours has become: please “like” me on Facebook; be sure to “follow...

See EU Later

(All rose as the Queen made her brentrance…)

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This past week has been an interesting one, for those of us in America who are fascinated by all things British, or invasive dental surgery. Here’s a quick headline recap:

The United Kingdom voted to leave the European Union In Texas, England invaded a Mexican woman’s mouth

You can’t have missed these stories in the news, unless you don’t read, in which case we have to wonder why you’re sitting there staring vacantly at a humor column...

Wanted

(Things I’d do as President, right before everybody leaves)

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America. The land of abundant stuff…especially when you’re a “victim” and the government gets other people to pay for the stuff. But I digress, which is hard to do when you’re only in the second sentence.

But it’s true: Americans have a wealth of available things, including kitchen appliances and disposable genders, here in the land where the deer and the antelope role-play, as they transition sexually in order to use any...

Weird (Political) Science

(Dear first-time voters: Sorry about that.)

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When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
— Hunter S. Thompson
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Okay. Summer’s almost here, so three things are inevitable:

At least ten times a day, some very dull person is going to ask you, “So! Hot enough for ya?” Every week, car dealerships will extend their “LAST CHANCE!” Memorial Day sale for one more week. This will continue until Labor Day. Any minute now, stores will start playing Christmas music.

Bu...