Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 25

Butt-Dialing for Dollars

(Honey, what’s the number for 911?)

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I think it’s probably safe to say that most Americans know what 911 is. It’s the number to call when there’s an emergency.

But that’s where the whole plan falls apart: some morons don’t know what an emergency is.

For example, there are dozens of documented cases in which extremely lonely people actually called 911 because facebook was down.

I mean, extremely lonely.

I guess they couldn’t reach the police in Farmville.

Sometimes, “emergency” does...

You Drive, Me Crazy

(Is insanity contagious?)

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Here’s an inescapable fact of life in America: you have to drive a car, unless you’re Hillary Clinton.

And if you drive more than two minutes, or two miles, you will quickly realize another indisputable truth: most drivers are insane.

People behind the wheel seem completely unaware of me and my car. They’re constantly cutting me off, or helping themselves to my lane, or weaving like Dean Martin on a long weekend. Or they’ll trail me for miles, mere inches...

POTUS Interruptus

(“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” – M. Python)

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Androgynous Moderator: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the second Presidential debate of the 2016 campaign season. But first, let’s interrupt one of the candidates. Guess which one.

Donald Trump: Unbeliev…

Andro-Mod: Time’s up.

More-Or-Less Female Moderator: First Lady of Arkansas and the US, Senator, Secretary of State and exceptional full-time mother, Hillary Clinton, would you like to respond?

Hillary Cl...

Future Books

(The forest would like a word with you.)

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Amy awoke about the same time as yesterday. She stretched, exhaled, and shoved her comforter away, in the process displacing a bunch of paper to the floor: a crossword puzzle page and a well-thumbed paperback. Amy let them lie; after all, it’d been years since she’d been able to successfully bend over before downing a morning’s cup of coffee.

The trees watched Amy sidestep all that snubbed paper and rolled their eyes.

She poled stiffly from...

(Motion) Pictures in Search of a Caption

Reviews were mixed for the Tennessee Williams reboot, “Scat on a Hot Tin Roof” Good evening, and welcome to an all-new episode of “As It Turns Out, Siberia Has Very Little Talent” Sadly, Pyotr was busy, so John Kerry had to hire a really lame James Taylor body double for his delicate negotiations with Syria “Ladies & gentlemen, the Elvis impersonator has left the building. Finally.” History tells us precious little about Mozart’s seminal opera, “Don Ho Giovanni” MSNBC claims to have found t...

Debate & Switch

(2016. The year of voting dangerously.)

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Hi, I’m Holster Lett. Welcome to the first Presidential debate of the 2016 season, America’s first opportunity to really get to know the two candidates: the attractive, sinless, highly capable Hillary Rodham Clinton, and some other guy.

I’m honored to have been selected as the moderator for tonight’s debate, and you can not begin to imagine how loosely I use the term “debate.” Tonight’s thinly-veiled “Hillary for President” prime-time promot...

Polly Want A Peckerwood?

(Mmm…soup & Saltine Caucasians!)

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It began as a joke. No, not Hillary’s wardrobe.

It was the idea of an utterly innocent guy named Ryan Koch. Koch, fed up with political correctness and “offensive” outrage, started a sarcastic petition to force the famous family restaurant Cracker Barrel to change its “racially offensive” name.

Racially offensive? A cracker barrel? Offensive to which race?

White people.

Yes, white people – that historically downtrodden, oppressed group of, um, non-...

That’s Not Funny

(Jokes. Or hamburgers. Must a guy choose?)

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Sacred Cows.

This week, let’s talk about sacred cows – the Americanized definition, that is, not the literal Vedic version that allows cows to do things we humans often take for granted, like roam the streets, not wear pants, and avoid being eaten.

See, cows are literally considered sacred in some countries, like India, Burma, and Texas. In those lands, the bovines can just walk around and do whatever they want, with no consequences and z...

You’re Dress Are Mistress

(How I became an Angolan chess master)

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I knew it was going to be a bumpy ride when the phrase I threw at facebook’s “Translate” tool came back as “You’re dress is bim as mistress,” but Google Translate returned “are dressed is bim as owner.”

I don’t know what a “bim” is…and given the context, I’m not sure I even want to. But “you’re dress is bim” sounds like something Joe Biden would say. To children. Or nuns. And he’d emphasize the word bim to make sure you knew he meant it.

And...

The Auto-Sarcasmatron

(Online, how do you roll your eyes?)

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In case you were wondering, it’s tarantula mating season again. You can tell because the male tarantulas are making a huge racket in the woods, rubbing the fur off their antlers. That, and the sharp uptick in sales of arachnid Hallmark cards. (“I only have eight eyes for you”)

Well, of course I made that up. Spiders can’t buy Hallmark cards, or anything else, because they don’t have any pockets.

What you just read is what is known as sarcasm. O...