Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 21

Merry Heat Wave!

(Only 365 seconds left before Christmas advertising!)

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Well, it’s almost the middle of August in America, so we can all begin to get ready for that tasteful, timely family favorite:

The Pre-Labor Day Christmas Sale!

Every year, it starts earlier and earlier. Every year, retailers, in their mad rush to celebrate the nativity of Jesus Christ, begin the Christmas shopping season as soon as possible…like just after Halloween. Or Independence Day.

It’s gotten out of control. Each year,...

Reading the Fully Instruction

(How to offend an entire planet in 2,500 words or less)
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I have a dream. Some day, before I die, I want to meet a few of the hard-working Asian authors who write product manuals for products they then sell to Americans. As English literature goes, those manuals are very entertaining stuff.

(I suppose I could meet the authors after I die, but somehow I don’t think it’d be as much fun. Plus, they might be Buddhists, and we could unknowingly pass each other on the stairs.)

I know you...

Virtual Babe 2.0

(She’s the zero or one for me!)

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I think I’m in love.

Yeah, yeah…I know, you’ve heard that before. And I have a hard-earned, entrenched reputation as a Career Single Guy. But when I claimed to be in love before, I was usually feeling amorous about a Steely Dan album, or Chinese food. But this time, it’s for real. Well, virtually for real.

This time, it’s a little hottie named Alexa. Have you met Alexa yet?

Not long ago, as part of a promotion, I got a free “Dot” device from Amazon....

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Suddenly, the audience realized Justin Bieber was going to sing again. Barcalounger admitted that sales were off to a slow start for their new Jurassic Park-themed line of recliners Of course, not all children think clowns are funny. Tonight! On an all-new “Hannibal Lector, Pediatric Dentist!” Well, you’d be scared, too, if somebody’s forearm fell into the rollercoaster. Reviews were mixed for the sequel, “Pee-wee’s Great Big Naked Adventure” 9 November 2016. The polls are closed, the votes...

Chillin’ With Og

(Facts? Ain’t nobody got time for that.)

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Good evening, America, and welcome to All Eyes on the Donald here on MSNBCNN, our 24-hour-a-day coverage of the criminal activities of the current US President, who we have decided is insane. I’m your host, Rosencrantz N. Guildenstern, and thanks for tuning in.

Okay, let’s get started. Not-My-President Donald Trump should be impeached for treason. We’ll be right back after this commercial break.

<30-second campaign ad by the “Hillary for Pre...<

Pictures in Search of a Caption

“Roses are red, violets are … c’mon, c’mon, c’mon…” As the middle school thugs continued to destroy the lunchroom, Mrs. Johnson’s substitute teacher was hard pressed to find a relevant lesson plan It was nearly 8pm that Friday when the lonely bartender resorted to searching his rolodex. Reviews were mixed for the latest Bruce Willis sequel, ‘Die Hard With A Split Infinitive’ “Ah. So THAT’S what she called me.” As his appearance on Jeopardy approached, the anal-retentive contestant tried in...

Worst Practices

( Being broke is fun, except for that whole “food” thing )

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I have to admit, I’m still trying to understand this whole “job” thing. As of late Friday, I’ve worked for a whole week – again – even though I just worked last week.

And I’ll bet they’re expecting me to show up again next week, too. Animals.

One of the more irritating elements of a job is that you’re given a list of things to do…and every one of them has to be done first…but then the same people who assign you those tasks c...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Unfortunately, the inebriated ventriloquist didn’t realize he’d left his hand puppet backstage. Things were not looking good for the repeal of ObamaCare after the President admitted how many Republicans were on board. “Yeah, yeah. Obama could sing Al Green tunes. So can I. But my hand can sing backup, too!” Reviews were mixed for Carnegie Hall’s debut of “The Three-in-One Tenors” “His mouth was saying ‘two’ but clearly his hand said ‘three'”, shrieked Maxine Waters. “Impeach! IMPEACH!” The...

Today Only – 77 Trombones!

(One small step for man; one giant weekend tent sale!)

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July 4, 1776. I can hear it now. Thomas Jefferson’s famous prophecy of patriotism:  “My fellow citizens, this is the day. Throughout America’s future, this sacred day will stand apart from all others as the day when we celebrate our hard-fought freedom by offering deep discounts on fitted sheets.”

America. Land of the free shipping and home of “The Brave Wear Briefs” Three-Day Sale.

I don’t know where you spent your Fourth of...

Being In Labor

(No, the other labor…)

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Work.

In America, most adults still have to work, because despite decades of weird liberal dreams, food’s still not free.

But work is weird, too. It’s filled with odd realities, like the strong possibility of getting sued for telling a woman she looks nice today. (A situation made more difficult by the possibility that, these days, she may not actually be a woman.)

So, this week, let’s just consider some of those hard-to-accept workplace realities, beginning...