Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 17

Alexa & the Bastille Day Diet

(How is spelt spelt?)

~-~-~-~-~-~

Once upon a time, a woman in France told French people to eat cake, and they cut off her head.

And you thought French waiters were rude.

“Let them eat cake.” It’s one of the most famous quotes in history, and we can’t even agree on who said it. According to some sources, it was allegedly uttered by Marie-Osmond-Antoinette, back before her hugely successful career hawking weight loss products. (Antoinette is an ancient French term meaning “little Antoin.”)

As...

Enough Already

(He said ‘allegedly’ 22 times. Allegedly.)

~-~-~-~-~-~

This week, let’s all agree to solve a problem that really wants solving. No, not the odd fact that at the end of TV shows featuring two guys bass fishing in a small boat on a small pond, the credits list “writers,” though someone really should look into that.

Here’s my idea. Every so often, some thoughtful appointed committee needs to get together, review any new manglings of the English language, and officially ban said manglings. (Yes,...

Tips For Very Stupid Guys

(Some things, I did not need to be told.)

~-~-~-~-~-~

Ever see, or hear, or read something – a comment in a TV ad, a warning on a product, a bizarre news story – that doesn’t really register in your head at first? It almost slips past you, masquerading as normal…and then there’s a kind of slap-back echo as the comment / warning / headline kicks in, and you realize: Somebody had to address this, because somewhere, sometime, some knuckle-dragging moron was stupid enough to hurt himself with a h...

Banned Children’s Books

(Lions and tigers and demon-worship…oh my!)

~-~-~-~-~-~

Last week I was reading (I know I lost about half the thumb-texting generation right there…) and I came across some upsetting American history (and now I’ve lost the other half).

Over the years, I discovered, nervous grown-ups have spent a lot of energy making sure defenseless children only read what those edgy, looming adults want them to read. And it’s way more than just filtering out steamy romance novels, or graphic violence, or pret...

Barkeep

Waiting and watching for someone to show
Watching the lives drive by
Michael Franks is singing low,
“Got to know the reason why…”

The bartender stands and tries to smile
And keep his standards high
He grits his teeth and waits a while
To laugh and love and cry

The cycle makes its roundabout
And once inside, you know
That the one way in is the one way out
And people come and go

What he doesn’t know is intention
What he does know is far too small
Steps in timid direction
Anticipate a fall

Still...

Sunday

I saw his car today
Early morning, far too early,
While I drove in hesitation
To the home of other friends.
But I discovered, in raw wonder
(After the first rapid heartbeats
Settled into my heaving chest),
That I suddenly felt clarity
About our affair’s decayed and decaying
Imperfect immortality.
You see, I was so convinced
That you were THE ONE —
And then

I saw his car today
Early morning, far too early,
Still, impossibly clear thoughts
Cleared my clumsy mind.
Although my slumbering heart
St...

The Devil Went Down to…Scotland?

(Three score birthday candles ago. Ouch.)

~-~-~-~-~-~

No long ago, I turned sixty.

It’s a weird feeling, being older than the speed limit.

But there it is. In fact, I’m somehow older than many things that I shouldn’t be. I’m older than…

two stars on the US flag rap music my doctor my doctor’s parents

When I was born, there were only 48 United States. Mankind had not yet landed on the moon, which would turn out to be just a desert in Arizona. Computers were the size of frat houses, and about...

SMH 24/7

(Baby Boomer tip: it means “shaking my head”)

~-~-~-~-~-~

The news this past week was weird, even by American standards. As if America still had any.

Oh, there was the usual off-track wagering over whether or not this would be the week Hillary finally went to prison. There was the normal partisan finger-pointing in Congress during their normal two-day work week. And there was the expected quotidian cursing at President Trump by the professional hand-wringers in the media. In fact, the biggest...

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Okay, you can keep the puppy. Now exhale. EXHALE! History tells us precious little about the original background singers from Louis Armstrong’s “blue” period Sadly, none of the immigrants saw the Chrysler car seat barreling in towards them Nobody, of course, could control Santa Smurf, but we all knew the one right-hatted elf smurf was destined for a long, hard life Faced with imminent deadlines, their coach convinced the five beauty pageant contestants to take drastic teeth-whitening steps...

Governor Toto & the Reptile Spooks

(the Wild Kingdom just got wilder)

~-~-~-~-~-~

Dateline: January 20 2019, Topeka, Kansas — “Please raise your right paw. Do you solemnly swear…”

Welcome to Kansas, where any…um…mammal can grow up to be Governor.

Last week, after hearing that six teenagers were officially planning to run for governor of Kansas, a man in Hutchinson KS filed for his dog Angus to run for the office, too. Probably as a Republican.

Now we know why Dorothy left Kansas.

Meanwhile, in Iran, a senior military advisor (...