Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 19

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Reviews were mixed for Wayfair’s new holiday collection, “Seriously Eerie Window Decals” Sadly, most studies the Wilsons had read on “middle child” behavioral issues failed to address simmering rage Snubbed again, the relocation team headed for their van as Hillary refused to vacate the White House Of course, with Eliza on watch, there was almost no chance of the Amish relatives sneaking back in to the house From the sultan of horror: Stephen King’s new masterpiece, “Always a Bridesmaid” Li...

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“Seriously? You have 32 flavors?” As marijuana sales soared, Colorado authorities realized they’d have to start carding wildlife, too “Look at them, waiting patiently on line. These are the most polite Canadian refugees I ever saw.” Sadly, not even the coveted ‘Bambi’ vote could save the Alabama candidate’s Senate campaign “Yeah, I’m interested in your cable TV bundle. Does it include the Cloven Hoof channel?” Tonight! On an all-new “Grocery Shopping Without Opposable Thumbs!” While the fro...

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Reviews were mixed for Hugh Hefner’s original publication, Playgroundboy “Your honor, I have proof,” barked celebrity attorney Gloria Allred. “It’s old proof, but it’s still proof.” Sadly, the surgery failed, and the conjoined twins were doomed to a life of liplock History tells us precious little about Senator Franken’s preschool days Alien XXIII: Sigourney Weaver finally figures out how to get off the planet Unfortunately, young Billy Clinton failed to land the role in the Domino’s PIzza...

Will You Marry Me, After Lunch?

(The way to a man’s heart is through his chest.)

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Guys, there’s new news in the world of online dating. If you want to hook up with that perfect woman in cyberspace, avoid yams.

According to a new study by Zoosk, which is a highly respected pancontinental think tank, or a dating website, just mentioning yams in your online dating profile could reduce your potential hookups by 70%. Apparently, the lowly sweet potato is to women online what garlic is to vampires. In fact, if you shov...

Man-eater of the Year

(Welcome to Allegation Nation)

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In America this past week … a week which ushered in 110 consecutive days of this season’s Black Friday … we got to witness two other noteworthy events:

Congress almost nearly didn’t barely not fail to not pass a tax cut The remaining seven guys with jobs who hadn’t yet been accused of sexual misbehavior were accused of sexual misbehavior

I couldn’t help but notice this disturbing scientific corollary, but the proof is apparently indisputable. Here’...

The United States of Me

(Welcome to Barrystan!)

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In case it slipped by you, during our latest six-month-long Black Friday sales event, 22 November was Start Your Own Country Day. If you missed your chance, be sure to set a reminder for next year on your new iPhoneXXVI, a sensibly priced device which is actually larger than some nations.

According to the internet, Start Your Own Country Day began in 1939, at the World’s Fair in New York City. (Some refer to the day as National Start Your Own Country Day, b...

Abby Redux XIII

(She’s back!)

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It’s been an interesting week for guys here in America, especially for guys who’ve ever been within eight feet of a female.

Suddenly, due to some as-yet-unexplained rash of recall, scores of women are simultaneously remembering to accuse guys of things the guys may have done … decades ago.

It’s as if Santa found a crumpled-up “naughty” list in the pocket of his spare parka.

The medical world are still looking into this delayed outbreak of decades-old distaff offense...

The Rogue Mayonnaise of Death

(How to survive without advice)

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As weeks go, this past one was a bit unspectacular…even though I spent most of saving my own life.

A week that was simultaneously under- and overwhelming (biwhelming?). It’s just one of those odd paradoxes (paradocti?) that commonly occur in the life of a full-time single guy.

Yes, I know…many of you are openly envious. You’ve heard tales of people like me…people who can leave things on the floor. People who aren’t regularly reminded to floss. Peopl...

The Schlock Heard Round the World

(Suppose you threw a tantrum and nobody came?)

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Protest.

What a selfish little word. It’s a noun, and a verb, and an adjective, and it’s acceptable to accent either syllable. Selfish. Someone should protest, and air their protest in a protest march.

And protest, of course, is what almost nearly happened this weekend, in pretty much nowhere across the United States, where hundreds of thousands of protestors didn’t actually show up to pout and hold their breath until the “Donald Trum...

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Obviously, it had been a while since the Bakersfield barbers union had gone on strike History tells us precious little about Angus Blocher, inventor of the fence post Unfortunately, President Washington’s dentist never noticed the giant hornet’s nest on the filing cabinet During the interview, Geppetto admitted Pinocchio was originally going to be much taller Tonight! On an all-new “Follicular Electrocution!” Deep in the Texas heartland, a young Lyle Lovett carves his first guitar Finally f...