Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 38

Poor is the new Rich

(How to succeed at failing to succeed)

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When Earthlings finally come up with a “Most Overrated Thing Ever” award, work will win. In fact, I’m ready to not do it anymore, just as soon as I figure out how to kick a few persistent personal habits, like wearing clothes. And eating.

(I could just stop eating, of course, but that usually leads to being dead, after which you have to vote in North Carolina.)

Until then, I’m stuck with work. We all have to do some, so let’s talk about how to ge...

How Many is Nilnil?

(Face paint, check. Funny hat, check. Catheter, check.)

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It happens every four years. Top-shelf athletes from countries across the globe gather, setting aside their border-based differences for a few perfect days to celebrate that purest, most cherished aspect of athletic competition: product endorsements.

As you probably figured out, we’re talking about the World Cup, the only time European guys manage to run around in public for several hours without using their hands.

Americans call...

No, Really – The Dog Ate My Foreign Policy

(How to run an entire country on Mulligans)

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Okay, I did it. I finally figured him out.

After five-plus years of intense observation, I finally settled on the perfect phrase to sum up the management style of Barack Hussein Obama. And that phrase is:

“Huh?”

(First runner-up: “Who, me?”)

It’s [almost] fun to watch. What a magnificent blame-shifter! There’s never been anything like this guy since Elmer Gantry, or the first couple chapters of “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” Barack Obama – it’s...

Abnormal is Other People

(“We have nothing to phobe but phobe itself.”)

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Not long ago, I mentioned my dread fear of snakes, or, to use the current psycho-babble euphemism, my “snake issues.” As you’ll recall, I shared that shameless admission just after watching a snake climb a tree in my front yard, or, to put it more calmly, after seeing a “mind-scarring vision from deepest hell.”

Scientists don’t say “fear,” of course – they’ve coined their own word to describe such intense uncomfortable with-edness. Scien...

Winding Down Civilization

(Vote for your what?)

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I didn’t believe it at first. When my friend sent me the link, I thought, “Nah. No way a planet would do that to itself.” But I checked it out, and it’s true. You can now buy a doll that looks like a politician.

This is a major breakthrough. Back in the day, we had to buy the whole politician.

And, of course, the best thing about buying a politician doll is, if the doll sucks at its job, you can return it.For access to the rest of this week’s column (and all our...

Always. Or Never. Unless…

(Free advice can get expensive.)

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I don’t know about you, but I am getting sick and tired of meddlers trying to run my life. And every morning when I wake up, it just gets worse.

As if my conscience wasn’t irritating enough, I’m constantly confronted by Culture Nazis online, on TV, and in DC; busybody bipeds I’ve never even met who feel they have to chime in, too.

It’s endless…and what’s worse, it’s erratic. Eggs are bad for you. No, eggs are good for you; protein is bad for you. No, w...

Bipeds vs. Nopeds

(I hate animals that don’t need socks)

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Everybody has a favorite fear. Mine is snakes. Well, that, and the paralyzing thought of ever seeing Nancy Pelosi naked. Or clothed.

Snakes. I admit it. And I don’t mean just a “don’t watch this part of the movie” fear. I mean the kind of fear that makes you leap, reverse direction, accelerate in mid-air, and run into trees. The kind of fear that makes you shriek like Bill Clinton being told the rabbit died.

So. Now that I’ve fessed up, maybe you...

Skipper & Tipper & Me

(Okay, let’s see you work Prince and Al Gore into the same humor column!)

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Stop the presses!

The artist formerly known as Prince has made an announcement: he’s decided to stop swearing. I know! Call somebody! This proclamation is what music critics and celebrity watchers would call a “watershed moment,” or what normal human beings would call a “slow news day.”

Obviously, the ground-breaking Grammy winner is no stranger to controversy. Heck, his fourth album is named “Controversy.” (His...

Hey, It’s Not Rocket Surgery

(now trending online: morons)

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Let’s play a game. Here’s how it works: I’ll show you something somebody said on facebook, and you try to guess if that person has a cerebral cortex.

Sounds simple, right? Based solely on someone’s facebook posts, you can determine if they’re a functional, contributing member of society, of if they spent their formative years running into trees, missing doorways, and eating lead paint.

We’ll start with an easy one:

Its mind bottling how dumb she is.

Yeah, i...

Abattoir Justice

(All right, lady! Drop the pig! Do it now!)

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For all you career-seekers out there, here’s an inspiring thought: If you’re thinking about writing a weekly humor column for money and fame, here’s my advice: go for it! You absolutely should do it.

Unless you need the money. Or the fame.

Now, don’t get me wrong — writing a weekly humor column has its advantages:

you’re free from interruptions by pesky publishers, Hollywood producers yakking about movie rights, yacht salesmen, genre groupies...