Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 42

Pictures in Search of a Caption

Slowly, Sarah turned, as the Terminator morphed into an Evinrude from the future
Oddly, the implants didn’t affect her shadow
Tonight! Julia Love-Child bastes an inboard aluminum turkey
“Alex, I’ll take ‘Popular Mechanics covers’ for 500″
Oh, THAT America’s Cup!
History tells us precious little about Noah’s Dual Inboard Counter-Rotating Articulated Ark
“Arr, Queequeg,” muttered Ahab, “might I borrow ye mosh pit harpoon, lad?”
“After your hands, we’ll glue your chin to your shoulder,” they said. “...

You Too Can Be Non-Essential!

(Wasn’t this supposed to suck?)

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If there’s one thing we’ve all learned from the government shutdown of 2013, it’s this: the best … um … no, wait, the worst … uh … hang on … never mind. We didn’t learn anything from the shutdown. Cause the shutdown didn’t do anything.

But it sure was fun to not watch while it wasn’t happening.

Much like its ten-month-older sibling of doom, the dreaded (gasp) Sequester (aaaiiieee!), this shutdown thing has been all ado about nothing…except for the polit...

Nothing To See Here, Folks

(Don’t like the news? Make up your own. They do.)

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This week, I didn’t get to watch much television. Mostly because of the bleeding.

Remember my recent home disaster? The flood? Yeah, well, I spent most of this last week dealing with “insurance mitigation” – an activity which, for someone like me, mostly me involves banging into things because those things aren’t where they used to be, pre-flood. You know what I mean — pieces of my home that have been temporarily relocated for the “re...

Ah, The Noise of Home Ownership

(Like it nearly, sorta, kinda, almost never even happened.)

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I knew something was wrong when I saw water on the kitchen floor.

Yeah, I’m quick like that.

WEDNESDAY :: ~6.30p

I was working from home, wrapping up another fulfilling day of writing enough software to ensure that my little charge of corporate Americans could keep making their boat payments.

I got up, to change the music and to restock the ice chilling my Coke Zero, and saw the water. Lightning-like thinker that I am, I sensed...

Rogue Rabbits & Renegade Money

(There ought to be a law. Wait…there is.)

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America. We are a nation of laws, as we all learned from Jeopardy reruns or, occasionally, school.

“A nation of laws.” This is a point of national pride for every American; at least, every American who has stuff worth stealing. Of course, for every stealee, there’s a potential stealer. Yin and yang. After all, this is America – the land of opportunity. And that segment of the population – the Americans who steal stuff from the Americans who h...

Snooki Debriefs the Pentagon

(What if you threw a war and nobody came?)

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Remember the good old days of American politics? The days when larger-than-life statesmen would assemble in all-night debates over matters of global import, delivering stentorian speeches in the halls of Congress, making point after point after relentless, logical point, until they finally won the day by beating each other half to death with canes?

And that’s where it gets weird. That’s how far we haven’t come. Compared to what passes for po...

Shirley He’s Not Syria’s

(It’s sad when the news is funnier than the funnies)

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[fade bumper music, cut to studio, CAM 1]

Welcome back, folks. I’m Tawny Molars, and thanks for joining us for this special edition of Handbasket on the Highway, the top-rated eye-on-American-events morning show! We’ve got lots of hard news to cover this morning – earth-shaping events, like the escalating situation in Syria; more problems with the HealthCare bill; who should play Batman – but first, let’s have another look at that...

Can’t Touch This

(Hey, babe! It is ‘babe,’ isn’t it?)

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“Say, Sally. That’s a nice dress, sweetheart.”

[whack]

“Ow! Sheesh…what’d I say, hon?”

[whack]

“What?”

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Chapter One

Hello, prospective (and hopefully asexual) City Hall employee, and welcome to the San Diego City Government. I’m Lando Eunuchs, San Diego’s pro tem Mayor, and as a legal precaution I’ve been surgically emasculated. On behalf of the Human Resources staff here at City Hall, welcome to the newly revised edition of our Men’s Anti-Se...

Animals & Magnetism

(When science and religion finally meet, I hope it’s catered)

First of all, let’s get one thing straight. The tetragonal Nd(2)Fe(14)B crystal structure of a neodymium magnet has exceptionally high uniaxial magnetocrystalline anisotropy (HA~7 teslas).

And don’t even try to act like that’s too many teslas.

“But, Barry,” you may be asking, which would be weird, because we’ve never met, “in a world where Cameron Diaz was recently spotted kissing Lady Gaga’s boyfriend, why are we wasting time talking...

While in Jersey, Visit Sunny Islamabad!

(Bats, bananas, and bad PR)

You have to wonder: what the heck did Newark do?

We’re talking, of course, about this year’s results from the coveted “Top Ten Friendliest Cities in America” poll…and its less pursued, wart-pocked evil step-sister, the “Most Unfriendly Cities” list. If you missed it, taking the dishonors in this year’s step-sister list:

Newark, New Jersey.

It makes you wonder just who the judges met in Jersey. And at what exit.

We don’t know exactly how the officials agreed to gauge ‘fr...