Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 43

Troll Models

(Enquiring minds want to kn…no, they don’t.)

In my opinion, one of the best things about the internet is instantaneous, sweeping access to planet-spanning sources of news and thoughtful, intelligent, in-depth news analysis.

That, and porn.

And let’s face it – if you’ve spent any time of late watching American TV, it’s getting harder and harder to tell the two apart. (Here’s a tip: the news is free.)

But sometimes, what’s even more confusing is what people consider news. It can be morbidly fascina...

A Form and a Fee

(How to become an American … the hard way)

Late last week, one of the best people I know became an American citizen. So, once he was on our team, I did the patriotic thing: I turned him in to the NSA.

It was the first time I’d ever attended a citizenship swearing-in ceremony, if you don’t count one extremely social après-football event in college that I’m still advised not to discuss. (I dimly remember that uniforms were involved then, too … though not much civics.)

Since I’d never been to one,...

Plane Talk

(If men were meant to fly, we’d have been born with peanuts.)

I don’t like airports. Mostly because being in airports leads to being in airplanes. And being in airplanes can lead to flying in airplanes, eventually, though these days, you never know.

These days, if you must travel, it makes more sense to just drive to your destination, unless you’re going to some foreign country, like Iran, or Detroit. For me, flying holds zero allure, what with all the downsides: the prices; the pre-flight secu...

Bigfoot’s Beret

(My, what big genomes you have!)

I was driving through a busy neighborhood, eating a burger, changing clothes, and typing a few notes for an upcoming column. And then somebody sent me this sentence:

“When we first looked at the report of the bigfoot genome…”

I dropped the dashboard TV’s remote and my meth pipe. I nearly stopped texting.

Pardon me? Whose genome? Somebody’s claiming to have lab samples? From Sasquatch?

Of course, I had to know more. I pulled into a well-kept daylily bed, picked up s...

Casserole Belli

(Leave it to humans to combine food and fighting)

It was my fault. It was an unguarded moment.

Last week, you may have watched the annual Fourth of July hot dog-eating contest on TV. I caught a few moments of the event, because it was a holiday weekend, and because I wasn’t fast enough to change the channel.

Guys, in obvious agony (of course it was guys), trying to inhale more a la carte sausages than the other guys, before any of the guys got violently ill, or got disowned by their parents, or...

The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere, DDS

(The importance of July 4th. No, 2nd. No, wait…6th. No, wait…)

I wonder if, some 230-plus years ago, our founders and framers proudly signed their names, stood and shook hands all round, and thought, “Well met, patriots. One day, all across our new country, citizens will celebrate this great experiment, this thing called ‘American independence,’ with deep discounts on pickup trucks.”

Obviously, the founders couldn’t foresee the civilization…such as it is…that we live in today. They were gratefu...

Wicca Leaks

(Calling the first day of summer ‘MidSummer’ was a clue.)

What does the first day of summer mean to you?

Anticipation: only 604,822 more seconds till college football season
Aggravation: the electricity part (A/C) of your utility bill skyrockets…but the gas part (heat) doesn’t drop.
Reruns: remember all those network TV shows that sucked last fall? They’re back, they still suck, and now it’s hot outside, too.
Summer vacations: that annual road trip where the family spends 2-8 weeks driving around...

Rise of the Guilt-Shifters

(Rogue mid-level minions – the new “it’s George Bush’s fault”)

Carly knew she had a problem when her cellphone committed suicide.

The diagnosis was easy: shame. Somebody else’s phone told Carly’s phone that they were all being tapped – and not just by the Justice Department, but by several dozen government agencies; among them, the NSA, the CIA, the BLT, the LBJ, the MSNBC, the OB/GYN, and on, and on, and on:

the Department of Education
the Department of Reeducation
the Department of Border Securi...

The Other Hunger Games

(I love you. Now pass the hot sauce.)

Anybody out there wanna get married?

Now, hold on…before everybody starts running for the exits, please understand – I don’t want anything, or expect anything, or want you to expect anything, or anything.

I’m just tired of throwing away all this food. To read the rest of this week’s column (and all our weekly humor columns), subscribe to the diaTribe – for less than $10 a year!
To begin, click the ‘Subscribe’ link on the left.

Abby Redux X

(Abby drops by, and soon regrets every minute of it)

This week, I’m pleased to mumble a non-binding ‘Welcome back!’ to Abby Redux, everybody’s favorite jaded advice columnist.

For the three of you out there who read my weekly humor columns (my Mom, my Dad, Eric Holder), Abby and her irregular advice column need no introduction. But if you’re not familiar with her work, Abby Redux is one of many media confidantes who field questions and serve up life-coping counsel for people — but with a twist:...