Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 41

Thanks For Being A Sad Pencil So Far

(Garbled garbage, de-garbled, is still garbage.)

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Did you hear about the huge security snafu at Nelson Mandela’s memorial? A violent psychotic managed to make his way on stage, stood right next to the US President, and started making wild, incomprehensible hand gestures.

But security quickly escorted Joe Biden off the stage.

That’s not true, of course. Joe Biden didn’t travel to South Africa with the President. He stayed home to attend political fundraisers and swear.

Besides, you can’t...

Nobby and The Sap

(Ever wanted to punch a song in the mouth?)

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Have you heard it? That bone-warping misery-fest masquerading as a song called The Christmas Shoes? A song so unbelievably soppy, so intentionally saccharine, it comes with an anti-depressant scrip.

This may be the first song in human history that can actually raise LDL cholesterol.

Or, even worse, have you seen it? There’s an accompanying music video on YouTube…but of course there is. There’s a video of everything on YouTube, including hand...

Black Eye Friday

(“Deck them all and grab their holly…”)

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Black Friday 2013. It was historic. America retail outlets set several new “day after Thanksgiving” records … total shoppers, items sold, firearms discharged.

By the time the stores finally closed on Black Friday – if they actually closed at all – cost-savvy American shoppers had spent over $12 billion, on all the traditional holiday items: toys and dolls, deeply-discounted flat-screen TVs, and personal injury lawyers.

By now, thanks to smartpho...

Stark Raving Naked

(Can cold weather fight crime?)

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Here’s a free fashion tip, Single Guys: when going for that unique, just-right international look, don’t stop with just the turban and heels — round out your stunning ensemble with some actual clothes.

Especially if you’re trying to be stunning in South Georgia.

Recently, someone sent me an article about a guy who’d been arrested, in Georgia, for indecent exposure. At least, that was the initial charge. Let’s review the particulars:

Neighbors reported a...

Of House Mice and Cave Men

(Yes, we’re all related. No, you can’t come for Christmas.)

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I was on facebook the other day, checking to see what the head of the NSA was planning to cook for dinner, when somebody posted a picture of Rae Dawn Chong from the movie Quest for Fire. In the shot, she was hunkered down by a normal Cro Magnon fire, wearing your standard-issue Cro Magnon body paint and naked as Nancy Pelosi’s agenda. Naturally, I averted my gaze, mostly so I could click the “more” link.

The link led to a we...

More Things I’ve Learned from TV

(Why SETI started searching elsewhere)

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Remember the movie Contact?

Basically, the story line was this: while searching for intelligent life, a young woman had sex with one of those rare non-celibate televangelists, and then he never returned her calls, so naturally she decided to launch herself into outer space. Then, as often happens, she met a psychotic trillionaire who agreed to pay for the whole project. Later, after not being assassinated by Gary Busey’s brother, she strapped he...

Thank God It’s . . . Thursday?

(How hope & change brought pole dancing to Guam)

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Well, here we are. It’s the first of November, and HealthScare.gov, the world’s loneliest website, is now one month old. And during its inaugural thirty days, the website actually worked for nearly eleven whole minutes.

But not in a row.

This may very well be the worst website you ever heard of — mostly because, in real life, you’d have never heard of it. Nobody but the government would debut a website that sucked this much.

Even by the...

Voodoo and the Sacrifice Bunt

(What is an Arby Eye, anyway?)

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I’m not a big baseball fan. Never was. As a kid I was never any good at the game, I don’t own any knickers or knee-high socks, and I don’t spit much. Besides, it’s hard to get all worked up over a game invented by a guy named Abner.

But now it’s October, so I have been watching the playoffs and the World Series, because I was born in the 1950s, and so I understand it’s my patriotic duty as an American to watch the World Series. In fact, I think it’s the...

Postjacking

(facebook, revisited)

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Here’s a number to ponder: 1.1 billion. That’s one billion, one hundred million. What do you think that Marlon Brando-dwarfing number represents?

a) the running count of Fleetwood Mac farewell tours

b) the amount of money Washington spent while you were reading this

c) the number of Die Hard sequels

d) (so far)

Actually, the correct answer is ‘all four.’ But that mammoth number also reoccurs in the realm of online social media. For example, Yahoo just coughed up $1....

Death by a Thousand Glitches

(Vaporware, government style)

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[click]

“Okay, let’s check this bad boy out.”

[wait]

[click] [click]

Welcome to the ObamaCare website! Please wait…

[wait]

Welcome to the ObamaCare website! Thank you for w

[wait]

“What th…”

[click click click click click]

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We’re sorry. The ObamaCare website is down.

[ US GOV GLITCH 6f39-4B29-991b ]

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“Whoa. This could take a while.”

[refresh]

Welcome back to the ObamaCare website! We notice your subscriptions have changed since you...