Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 44

Everybody Loves A Fee Circus

(The American mortgage. Welcome to the machine.)

I just bought my house again.

Technically, the term for the self-inflicted wounding I just went through is a “refinance,” according to the governing authority that controls these things, the AARG (American Association of Realty Gougers).

Here in America, (re)financing a home has traditionally been a fairly common business transaction, one that takes place thousands of times every year. It’s a simple thing: buyer (A) wants to buy house (B) from own...

Sergeant Schultz Pleads the Fifth

(Once you can fake sincerity, the rest is easy.)

“I know nothing.”

Remember that line? Once upon a time, “I know nothing” was the trademark alibi of Sergeant Schultz, that inept but lovable Nazi from the 1960s sitcom, Hogan’s Heroes.

Nowadays, it’s official White House policy.

Lately, it’s been a tricky exercise, trying to keep up with the news oozing out of the Oval Office. Over the last few weeks, the pathologically bumbling White House has managed to make itself the tabloids’ favorite filth, t...

Being Quiet

(If I’d been born a panther, there’d be a lot more pigs)

I have a question. If a single guy was an overnight guest at a friend’s house, and the next morning he tried really hard to be quiet, would he still sound like a tree fell down in the forest?

I don’t know if it’s just me, or if it’s some kind of cosmic-level Loki-like joke, but either way, it’s true: you never realize just how noisy you are till you try not to be noisy.

And this past weekend, I discovered that truth yet again.

Over the last...

Martha Gets a Restraining Order

(Stalking. It’s a good thing.)

I should’ve known better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hindsight, 20-20, blah blah blah. What was I thinking? Even in a relatively safe, anesthetic, de-clawed dating environment like match.com – I should’ve known better than to give Martha Stewart my phone number.

And now I can’t get rid of her.

I’d already mentioned to some of you that I’d been thinking about dating again, for the same reasons as anybody else:

I’d like to find a compatible, life-long partner, with whom I could...

May I Have This Danse Macabre?

(That’s okay. Keep the ring. No, really.)

Not long ago, I had a brief mental lapse. Or I hit my head. Whatever the cause, the result was I started thinking about dating again. Maybe. Probably not, but maybe.

But three things I saw in the news caused me to can that idea.

1) a woman with well-kept skin shot her boyfriend

2) …and stabbed him 27 times

3) …and forgot she did it

Aaaaand … boom. End of urge. Lapse over.

See, in the fairly simple cause-and-effect world of a Single Guy, when the lady you’re...

This Just In!

(America’s news media. Because sometimes the facts just aren’t enough!)

CNN was the worst. But not by much.

No, not by much at all. As the American media rushed to out-scoop each other during Boston’s cheetah-paced manhunt, their ratings-greedy race to the bottom was fierce.

But at the end of the day, CNN took home the dishonors.

To be fair, MSNBC’s week had already gotten off to a rough start. Chris Matthews, MSNBC’s star skull midget, was still recovering from other uncomfortable news: not only...

Crime Spree in the Carolinas

(A man. A gun. A pig on the run. It’s the stuff of legends.)

For me, as an observer of America, it was one of those perfect moments.

“…after the pig had been pardoned…”

Whoa.

If you’ve ever tried to write a weekly humor column, you know the feeling of exhilaration that accompanies the discovery of really odd news. That rush that rides in on the wave of something unbelievably senseless. These are moments you live for.

And this was one such moment.

According to a local news report, a citizen of South...

My, Aren’t You Not Looking Lovely!

(Remember: if you can’t say anything nice, you’re probably a guy.)

Okay, guys. Whoever’s in charge of keeping the list this week: here’s the latest “don’t” — never tell a woman she looks nice. Because you could end up in court.

And you thought carpool lane violations were harsh.

But it’s true: a guy could now get sued for complimenting a female coworker. According to a story in the news, some poor putz has been “disciplined” at work – disciplined by HR Lady, that dreaded star of daymares – for d...

The Littlest War

(North Korea’s latest threat: Death by Photoshop)

December 2025. A third-grade classroom, somewhere in flyover America. The first-period teacher waits a few more moments, mentally calculating the lag time before her students’ sedative-laced half-pints of milk kick in. Finally, she rhythmically taps her NEA-issue smart-board-pointer-slash-emergency-Taser against the rim of her ‘Genders R 4 Haters’ mug.

“Okay, class: settle down. I know you’re all excited about getting a few days off for the Whol...

Toy Envy

(You can take the caveman out of the cave, but…)

One day at home, while I was hurrying to get from one room to another, and back, before forgetting why I needed to go to the other room in the first place, a TV commercial caught my attention.

In the commercial, an easily excited Announcer Person raved on and on about a revolutionary new garden hose. And then he challenged me personally. And I have to admit – he was right.

True, I lead a very comfortable life. Yes, I have all that I need, and then...